1). CdA - my sherpa experience in Coeur d'Alene was really fun but also really emblematic of my life. I hung out almost exclusively with my friend DPR who is also a chum. She has a sushi hat and we just need to get her one of these and get her out for Sharkfest and the circle will be complete. But I digress. The emblematic part is that I seemed always to be on the fringe of things. I missed the big party Thursday night and I missed the big party on Monday night (with the tequila and the lovin') and I missed seeing some people on the course. I did other stuff like volunteer in sunscreen and as a catcher. So ultimately I felt like I was part of the group but not. And that's very typical for me. I have pictures and stuff but honestly at this point I think you've seen it all. Congrats to all of the finishers - you were awesome!

2). My kitty - what a sad day last Friday was. It actually started Monday evening when I got back from CdA and went to The Good Doctor's house to pick her up (his other nickname has been retired). He looked up at me with her on his lap and said, "you have to have this cat put down". I knew that was true but didn't want to face it. He called Wednesday and asked me if I had done it and I said no so he said he would go with me. I couldn't do it at a time that worked for him until Friday but true to his word he came over after work and he went with me and he rubbed my back while I sobbed over the table as she went to sleep and he hugged me while I cried and he buried her for me. He's a really good man, hence the new name.

3). The Good Doctor has thrown out his back. It happened this weekend. I'm trying really hard not to blame his digging a grave for it since it didn't happen until Sunday and since he went on a hike with a backpack and then went to an outdoor concert and sat on concrete steps but I do tend to blame myself for pretty much everything that's wrong in the world. He has not made that connection. Anyhow, his mountain climbing trip is down the tubes and he can't ride right now. I'm going to miss him.

4). I've started using my own Inifinit formula and I love it. I will have to do a full blown Infinit PSA one of these days - great stuff!

5). Why is it that no matter how much BodyGlide you slather your neck with you end up with a wetsuit hickey? Sharkfest left me with one on my neck and a couple of little ones on my .... what to call it.... 2nd boob area. You know, just to the side of the armpit and above the boob. Ow.

6). I'm a disco queen and you can see my pic on the blog site of Bay Area weather reporter, Roberta Gonzales. Click here and go down to picture #11. That's me on the far left. This was taken at the Disco party that was thrown to comisserate the cancellation of the WS-100 but to celebrate life. It was fun.

7). Blogland met Real Life at BSLT when DPR said hello to Joe Foster and Kim Bruce. I love it when my worlds collide! Kim won a Kona slot in that race, too! Go Kim!

For today I'm going to write about the amazing thing I did yesterday because I did something I would never have done 2 months ago and this speaks to the power of training. Almost everyone who reads this blog trains for stuff so you can relate and if you are not an athlete maybe you can derive some inspiration to reach for something you've always said you could never do.

I missed my long ride 2 weeks in a row due to going to Canada and Couer d'Alene. I would have missed my long ride yesterday had the WS-100 not been cancelled but it was so in honor of the athletes that got aced out of their big event and in an effort to stay strong I wanted to do a really, really good long ride.

I started out with the FoMo Foxes as it's known which is the Sunday Ladies Ride. The Ladies ride sometimes includes men but no matter. The point of the ride is to be sociable and to provide an opportunity for people who can't hammer out the miles at 18 - 20 mph (which is what the Saturday ride is about) to go on a group ride. It is lead by one of my favorite riding partners who has also done quite a lot to help me get stronger and more fit (and she doesn't even know it!).

She asked what people wanted to do and I said I thought the air was kind of bad so we shouldn't climb Diablo because it made me engage in too much heavy breathing so we headed out for a relatively flat 34 mile ride out to Livermore. It was awesome. This area is nothing but cattle farms and brown hills and open space and there were almost no cars on the road. I felt that I was riding well, as opposed to my awful ride on Thursday. As it turns out my average speed was no better but I felt better and I'm pretty sure that my moving speed was much faster.

When we got back to Danville I still had about a hour on the plan and was trying to figure out what to do. Monica gave me a route that is flat and easy and works well to fill the time. And then I said, "or maybe I should go home via the junction". Monica lit up and said "I would be SO proud of you if you did that" so really, there was no turning back.

For the uninitiated, 'the junction' is where the roads leading up the south side and the north side of Mt. Diablo meet. It's a 2200 foot climb with the grade going from 6 to 12 percent most of the way. There are a couple of flat spots and a little bit of down but it's a climb, for sure.

artwork by John Finger

A couple months ago there is no way in hell I would have attempted this. I would have been sure I couldn't do it. I would have said my legs were too tired. I would have thought it would make me too tired to train the rest of the week or I would get injured or blah, blah, blah. Yesterday I knew it would be a challenge, and it was, but I was determined.

I was alone - I had no peer pressure - it was hot - my legs had almost 40 miles on them by the time I got to the base of the hill, I was having stomach issues and yet I was determined and so I just started climbing. There were many, many times when I thought about just stopping, turning around and heading down the hill but I did not. I pushed on. I stopped once at about 1500 feet to let my heartrate go down. I stopped at Rock City to use the restroom and was moderatly alarmed that I barely needed to pee in spite of having consumed 3 water bottles full of either water or Infinit but I wasn't sick or light headed so I didn't worry about it. I stopped at about 2,000 feet to ingest a Gu because my legs were on fire. And then I headed up. And then I was there!

I was pretty wrung out and there were a couple of older guys there so I said "Ta Da! Made it!" they said something about it being a tough climb and of course I just HAD to mention that I'd already ridden out to Livermore from Walnut Creek. They were appropriately impressed - mission accomplished! I got some water, drank some Nuun and then headed down the North side reaching a maximum of 32.1 mph which is very brave for me.

Total round trip was 60 miles. Total boost to my confidence was 100% - at least. Thursday was a horrible training day and I felt dead and incapable and it made me worry a lot about my ability to do Vineman in a reasonable timeframe. Yesterday's ride was yet another reminder that some days you are the dog and some days you are the hydrant. The ride wasn't fast but it was hard and I know it will make me a stronger, better rider. It reminded me that with determination and focus and a willingness to suffer a little bit the things we could never do come into reach and then fall behind us. Mostly it reminded me that never is a very, very long time and you just never know where your limits lie until you reach out futher than you ever thought you could and turn 'I could never....' into "I used to think I could never....". Chances are, you can.

2). CdA was a blast and I have pictures and I will post them soon. So many have posted about the experience already I feel like I'm not contributing much but then again there is my story of the weekend and it is bound to be a bit different.

3). I've got no sprint in the pool. Seriously. My first 100 warm up today was a 2:22. Much later in the workout we were to swim 4 100s with 1 and 3 being sprint and 2 and 4 being easy. My first sprint was a 2:26. I was winded and exhausted and it really sucked. I just splash and flail instead of sprinting. I guess that gives me something to work on, right?

4). Califorina is on fire. There are literally 100s of wildfires and the air is foul even where I live and there are no fires near me.

5). The Western States 100 Endurance race has been cancelled. Poor Donald. All that training down the tubes. The runner for our club is bereft. I was supposed to run the aid station at mile 85 and that isn't happening either.

6). This means that instead of busting a move from Sharkfest Saturday morning I can go have lunch with FeLady and that's good - for me. It doesn't, however, help Donald at all.

7). My cat isn't going to make it. I am having her put down Friday afternoon. The Good Doctor, my riding partner, took care of her all weekend while I was in CdA and is going to go with me to the vet. He's a good man.

REMEMBER YOUR REASONS

REMEMBER YOUR ONE THING!

It's all about you, baby! You and the things you care about.

1). The squirrels are black. Ebony black. Other than that they act just like squirrels
2). Canadians are VERY aggressive about making left hand turns. Right of way? Yield? No way, eh?
3). They call Dunkin' Donuts Tim Horton and they call donut holes Timbits. We confused the lady at the counter pretty badly.
4). The weather was most unpredictable. One minute sun, the next a wicked thunder storm. It wrecked our play day. I did manage to run 6 miles and swim 920 meters (the pool was 23 meters, eh?)
5). Toronto caters to the homeless and my brother in law's van was broken into by a crack head on a bicycle. Fortunatly the van had a great alarm system and they were sitting outside having coffee but still - it was a bummer.
6). My daughter picked up a map that showed where all the gay people live by having a drawing of rainbow flags flying in that neighborhood. It was adorable.
7) Gay marriage is legal and that's why we went. My niece got married to her girlfriend in what was both a traditional and non-traditional wedding. It was lovely and I cried - several times.
8). I learned on this trip to Canada that my little Pookie, having been accepted to the University of Cape Town, SA got a new tat on her wrist that says "Be Brave". I want one, too.

Photobucket is broken right now but I"ll post pics when it is fixed.

If you happen to see this and you know the answer could you please tell me about the Gatorade swim at an IM? How many people, how long, lots of boats? Do you need to be registered - do they even ask?

Thanks!

Then I started printing out the "stuff" for the trip - boarding pass and reservations for hotel and car. I took a look at the hotel ameneties and almost peed my pants with joy - FITNESS CENTER!!! LAP POOL!!! Seriously - my heart soared like an eagle. Now I'm going to check out 'Map my Run' and find a route in the area where I'm staying.

This is why when someone does their first triathlon I always think, and sometimes say - "Welcome to the crackhouse!".

See you all on the flip side!

It happened while on a training ride where I was chatting with a guy who is very fast and very accomplished. He didn’t hand it to me and it didn’t just pop into my head right then. It came as a result of whatever conversation we had and truth be told I don’t really remember the content but I do remember how I felt. Later, on that same ride, I had a conversation with my favorite cycling leader that was a big part of what lead to me fixing my eating problems. She asked a very simple question that set me to a very positive bit of self examination.

What is this 'word' of which I speak? There is a writer who calls herself Oriah Mountaindreamer* who has written some books that I became aware of through Stronger. These books are meant to help people discover the source of their inner drive, their being, their joy. I haven’t read these books but both Stronger and Phoenix have talked about her book The Call - Discovering Why You are Here in which she says

Remember- there is one word you are here to say with your whole being.
When it finds you, give your life to it. Don't be tight-lipped and stingy.

Spend yourself completely on the saying.
Be one word in this great love poem we are writing together.

Stronger’s word is, of course, Stronger because she spent a long time developing the strength to escape a very bad relationship – and she won. She is stronger for her and stronger for her children. Phoenix came to understand that her word, at the time she found it, was Empower. She wrote her post about her word in September of 2007 and along with the happiness I felt for her because she had this new insight into why she trained and raced I felt a twinge of jealousy. What was my word and how would I find it? I knew enough to know that you don’t go hunting for your word – you just open yourself up to the notion that your word exists and then sit and wait for it to come to you.

My word is – Affirmation. After years of doing all sorts of things right, of making friends and doing good work, and raising fabulous children and being an honored volunteer and putting some good kharma out into the world I have finally come to a place where the endless, mean spirited, destructive self deprecation I’m so prone to just seems wrong. I’ve always been one to give affirmation to others, cheerleading and trying to help them see their goodness and the positive results of their own work but I consistently failed to do the same for myself. Most positive feedback from others has, to date, been met with skepticism and an “aw shucks, thanks but really it was nothing” when in fact it was something.

So how does a perfectly nice, good, kind, caring person develop so much self hatred? I really hate to do this because it is so cliché but I have to lay this particular pile of doo at my dearly departed mother’s door step. Sorry Mom! I know you didn’t mean to but boy, did you. I think the reason I’ve taken so long to write this up is because I thought I was going to have to tell you about the terrible things my mother said to me. About how she transferred her poor self image and body issues directly to me when I got a little chubby as a kid. I thought I would have to tell you that in a misguided effort to get me to slim down she would say things like, “people just don’t like fat girls” and that I believed her with all my heart and soul and I just knew that when new people met me their first thought was, “EW!! – Gross!” and that I still have to battle that feeling almost every day. Whenever I have a personal interaction that doesn't feel totally warm and loving regardless of who it is with I’m always pretty sure it’s because my ass is too big. And there’s more – so much more but really it doesn’t matter. What matters is that in finding my word I’ve finally picked a battle that I can win and in winning my battle I win my mental, spiritual, emotional and physical health.

Letting your word lead the way isn’t magic and it isn’t automatic – it is a perpetual and iterative process. I took a nasty swipe at myself just the other night in a room full of people and completely discounted myself as an athlete. Not doing that is still a real struggle but now that I’m focusing on affirmation instead of deprecation I see the snide commentary for what it is – a poop sandwich. And I am an athlete. Unlike last year when I greeted every planned workout with so much self defeat I just skipped half of them, I am now adhering to the plan and deriving the benefits. I feel great and I look great and I can almost say that without embarrassment or fear of reprisal from others who would surely respond by saying, “meh – you look okay but you could stand a lose a few pounds and really – you’re kind of slow to call yourself an athlete”. That now sounds as ridiculous to me as it does to you but it’s been a long time coming.

Hanging on to the word and what it means both about me and about how I need to be in the world isn’t easy. Every day I have to fight a sense of rejection that comes with being unemployed and single. I have to stop asking “why doesn’t anyone want me?” and keep asking “Who do I want? What do I want? How do I get it?” and I have to believe that I deserve to have it and that it’s out there and that I can make it mine. And I do – pretty much… most of the time… more often than not. See what I mean? Not easy, but definitely worth the effort.
------------

*”While studying and participating in shamanic ceremonies, Oriah received the spiritual name "Mountain Dreamer" and was told that the name meant "one who likes to push the edge."”

note - she's toned it down a bit and is now going by Oriah.

I am pleasantly stunned by my fitness level and my new, more compact body. Instead of whining about how hard it is I am loving my committment to the plan. Saturday I had to figure out what to do to fulfilll my 3.25 hour ride and I thought about it and messed around so long I ended up going out alone. I climbed Diablo again but not to the top. Getting from the Junction to Juniper was harder than it had been a week ago, possibly because Thursday's ride looked like this:

Not a lot of elevation but those hills are pretty sharp and we were moving at a decent clip.

Or maybe it was just the result of my ever increasing training volume which looks like this:

The scale on 2007 is different from 2008 so I had to squish down the chart and match the height of September 2007 to get that image (click to enlarge)

Anyhow, I knew I'd never make it up the cherry on top and without any peer pressure or the promise of a Snickers there just wasn't any point. Besides it was getting hot and windy so I enjoyed the view at 3,000 feet for a few minutes and then headed back down. I got home 3 hours and 12 minutes after I left - perfect!

I'm really wondering how I managed to get through those Olympic distance races last year. I mean really wondering. I do recall showing up to T1 every single time thinking "well - I didn't really train for this but I can do it". There will be no more of THAT! Showing up to a race trained is way better. In fact, showing up for life trained is better.

Sunday I did a trail run with about 15 other people from FMRC. I was kind of trashed and I'm the slowest anyhow but it was okay. I whined for about 2 minutes then I laughed at myself for whining and then I just ran - except for the hills and when the hills went up I walked. No apologies and

Near as I can tell once you get past the whining zone and the pissed off zone you enter the awesome zone and I rather like it in here!

You can view the speech in video and in text here

Many thanks to my darling Pookie for sending me that link.

I got tagged by Juls just in time for episode 2 of the rebirth of Hump Day Miscellany.

Before I get to that, though I need to talk about food.

1). My cat is eating! I have not force fed her for 2 or 3 days now. At first I had to pretty much hold the food up to her mouth but she seems to be getting the hang of it again. I have snatched my kitty from the jaws of death!

2). I never in a million years thought I would say this but I'm looking forward to the end of Vineman training so I don't have to keep eating so much. My whole sense of scale is all thrown off. I finally fell in to a comfortable pattern of eating well and now I am starving all the time. Training tapeworm - die! I did really enjoy that Snickers on top of Diablo, though so there's always that!

Now the tag/meme thingie. There are 5 questions about running and then I need to list some rules and stuff. First the 5 questions:

1. How would you describe your running 10 years ago?
10 years ago I was a novice runner. I think I started running in 1997 and on Nov 30, 1997 I ran my first 5K in 38:23 which is a 12:21 pace - and it hurt. I'm thinking that in 1998 I was in about the same shape and swore I would NEVER do a marathon. I did my first one in 1999 and have done 2 since.

2. What is your best and worst run/race experience?
I think my best was my first marathon because it was such a thrill to finish. I cried like I had just lost my best friend.
I think a lot of runners will say that their best race experience was the first marathon - it is just such a HUGE accomplishment.

My worst was the run at Wildflower last year. I was totally nauseated and walked almost the entire 10K. Very disappointing.

3. Why do you run?
At this point I run because that's what the 3rd leg of a triathlon demands. I started running because I was the single mother of 3 young children and I needed to find a way to get the best exercise in the shortest possible time.

4. What is the best or worst piece of advice you've been given about running?

Best piece of advice is to not make any big changes before a long run (I know - it was Juls best also)

Worst is to drink water until your pee runs clear. Doing that starts you out with depleted electrolytes and puts you at risk for hyponatremia. It is not a good idea.

5. Tell us something surprising about yourself that not many people would know.
For my sophomore and junior years in high school I was a total bad ass of a kid. I wanted to drop out. The one really good thing my mother did during that time (possibly the only good thing) was to refuse to let me drop out of high school. My senior year I made high honors the first semester. I slipped up a bit toward the end of the year but at least I figured out I had some potential and that carried me to a successful adulthood.

Here are the rules:
If YOU have been tagged, you will find your name at the end of this post. You should then, copy the rules (or your version of them), and the set of questions onto your blog post, provide your own answers, and then tag 5 new people.

In this case, all 5 questions are all about RUNNING. How easy is that?

Just to be sure that everyone tagged knows they have been invited to play, go to their blogs and leave them a special comment letting them know, and refer them to your blog for details.

One more thing, once they've answered the questions on their own blog, they should come back to yours to tell you.

I don't usually do this but 5 quesitons is easy and who can't use a little blog fodder once in a while sooooo... I tag
Jeanne, David,
, Katy, DPR, and Donald who can either respond to this thing or write up how he killed Calvin and Hobbes or whatever that story is.

It took a little doing with SportTracks and MotionBased but I finally managed to excise an elevation map that really describes the "Cherry On Top" of Mt. Diablo much better. I've put it at the bottom.

Also - I'm not sure about the height of the Junction. I said 2200 then I found a grade map that said 1600 in one place and almost 2200 in another. Whatever. I knew there was a lot of climbing after that and I thought the rest of the climb was steeper and really dreaded the attempt but it turns out that until you get to the bottom of the cherry it isn't that bad. It isn't easy but it wasn't the killer pitch I was expecting. Then I found a page that details the grade up Mt. Diablo and discovered it's all about the same pitch all the way up except for the awesome part where you get some down at Rock City, just after the South Gate entrance. For the most part it is a 4 - 12% grade with the steep stuff coming mostly on the turns and not lasting very long. You just stand up and push down on the pedals until things flatten out a bit. And then there's this - the last part:

11.06 4% 3630 sign: detour ahead
11.16 4% 3660 day-use parking entrance to the right
11.18 8% 3680
11.20 10% 3680
11.21 6% 3700 road splits This is the bottom of the driveway
11.23 10% 3700
11.24 14% 3700
11.25 16% 3710
11.26 16% 3720
11.28 15% 3740
11.29 15% 3750 This is about where I freaked out and then clipped out
11.30 15% 3750
11.32 16% 3770
11.33 15% 3770
11.34 15% 3780
11.35 14% 3790
11.36 13% 3800 sign: summit elevation 3849 11.37 9% 3810 entering 20-min parking lot at the summit this is where you come over the top and SHABLAM - you are in the parking lot! of the mountain top museum,

The real summit is inside this building which they built around the very peak of the mountain and left a little spot open in the floor so that you can have a 'peak' experience (it really says that on the sign!) This guy has a photo in his Picasa Album. If you click through you can see some great shots of the vistas from up there.

The out of range spots on the final elevation chart are me walking around in the building where McBikey and I went in search of calories. He bought us each a Snickers. A big one. For the first time in literally years I ate a WHOLE Snickers bar and had not one drop of guilt or remorse about it. It had to be the very best, most delicious candy bar I have ever eaten. mmmmmmmmmmmm....... I think I'll do it again, next weekend because we all know that all of this training is about the food.

Saturday I set out, once again, with Dr. McBikey and some other people from FMRC to conquer Mt. Diablo. The goal this time was to make it all the way to the top, starting from the Danville side. My previous attempts ended at the junction which is labled 'ranger station' in the image below. That is at about 2200 feet or something like that.

I made it! All except the last little bit known variously as 'The Grind', 'The Wall', or 'The Cherry On Top'. In any case that last 50 yards is really steep and very difficult to climb and I was too freaked out about falling over to attempt it so I stopped and pushed my bike up the last part.

Here is an elevation map of the last 5 miles ending just below 'the cherry' (click to enlarge)

I made it up 3749 feet of vertical climb so I'm declaring victory! Now if you'll excuse me I have to go attend to my training tapeworm!