June 2, 2007
a hearts capacity
smsmh is constantly in the baby books, bringing ignorant me up to speed on the most recent logic regarding different baby issues. one of the items that we've read over extensively is the whole SIDS thing. after smsmh read all the details to me, i've been anal about constantly touching tc when he's in the crib and holding him as much as i can.
thursday was tc's first pediatric visit (he's healthy and doing well!), and as we were rushing around the house getting ready to head to the doctor's office, i stopped by tc's crib to check on him and he didn't react when stroked his hand and head. i tried again, nothing. the adrenaline rush started and i put my head right next to his mouth to listen for breathing. still nothing. i shook his foot and still nothing. ear to mouth again and still no breath sounds. in hindsight, i think i remember seeing his blanket moving from his chest. i freaked out and began to tear off his swaddler to start cpr. as i pulled at the first velcro strap, tc startled and took a deep breath. i calmed myself down, picked him up and thought through the experience and realized it was just bad timing combined with my SIDS anxiety.
but, for the rest of the day, i couldn't put him down or not constantly hover. at one point, i plopped down on the couch with him and turned on the television. on ifc a movie called, "i am david" was playing. the premise looked interesting. a young boy escapes from a labor camp in bulgaria and tries to make his way to denmark. the story was touching and contained a sacrificial, older male character. watching the scene with the 'father figure' had me in tears. i looked down at my little boy, sleeping soundly on my chest and whispered, "i'd do that for you, too". and the waterworks were in full effect.
who knew? who knew that you could feel this strongly for another human. it's just nuts. the whole concept of this little person being wholly dependent on you for everything just adds a layer to the love you feel that i've never experienced before. i get it now. when people say that a child blows you away with your capacity for love, i never got it. until now.
wow.
Comments
Yeah they alway say that having a child changes you in ways you never know. And I imagine you can't comprehend what that is like until it happens - as you surely know. Wow!
Posted by: Jessica at June 2, 2007 12:25 PMohhhh!!!!
it's true, having a child is making the choice to have your heart walk outside your chest.
Posted by: angie's pink fuzzy at June 2, 2007 12:48 PMit's hard to imagine that type of bond before children . . .
Posted by: Susan at June 2, 2007 2:38 PMisn't it amazing...i am so totally enjoying your updates on tc.
Posted by: kurd at June 2, 2007 2:41 PMWhat did I say??? The love you have for your child is truly the most magical thing in the world.
The crazy making part is hard. I used to put my ear up to the bassinette all night, terrified of hearing nothing. It's normal but that doesn't make it easy. It does get better but what I'm learning now is that you never, ever stop worrying. The trick is to be a stealth worrier. Also not easy.
Posted by: 21stCenturyMom at June 2, 2007 3:41 PMps - he is absolutely, positively perfect, perfect, perfect. I have to refrain from stroking my monitor when I look at his picture.
Posted by: 21stCenturyMom at June 2, 2007 3:42 PMaw jeff.
i still worry about NOD, all the time. I try to remember that she's only on loan to me.
:)
Posted by: jeanne at June 2, 2007 5:37 PMI have to agree with the last commenter. I just want to cuddle this little man, come right through the screen and scoop him up for a little cuddle. You blogging about him is so touching.
Posted by: Meghan at June 2, 2007 5:39 PMI'll never sleep so soundly as I did pre-kids. I'm happy for you and smsmh to be able to experience the wonderfulness of parenthood.
Posted by: Juls at June 2, 2007 10:38 PMwhat always gets me is Sleepless in Seattle. Remember that movie? I watched it in college and you know whatever. I watch in now and the whole MY KID GOT ON A PLANE TO NEW YORK BY HIMSELF@!! Total freak out.
My point? Things that you were aware of before, now are so different. Your paradigm competely changes!
as far as SIDs, studies have shown that keeping your baby close to you and letting them hear you breath helps them to continue breathing. Apparently sometimes they forget...cuz they're new to it and all. Weird huh?
Posted by: brit at June 2, 2007 10:39 PMWow is right.
And each of us has someone to thank for doing the same for us.
So happy for you three!
Posted by: Joe at June 3, 2007 12:11 PMCongratulations on your beautiful baby. I came over from Joe's blog. Our youngest is graduating next week and our oldest is out on his own - just as you are filling your nest, we are emptying ours. Let me tell you, that heart filled with love never goes away, the tug is always there. Once again, congratulations!
Posted by: backofpack58@yahoo.com at June 3, 2007 1:16 PMYes your first baby can be a little scary with so many unknowns. The unknowns will soon be a thing of the past as with each day as you get to know TC a little better.
Posted by: Bruce at June 4, 2007 2:48 AMthanks for the updates. babies teach us a lot about ourselves, it's incredible. sometimes I wonder which is the the kid, me or her..
Posted by: Deene at June 4, 2007 7:16 AMLook what happened while I was away on vacation! You had a baby boy! Congratulations!
He is absolutely beautiful, rare to say that about a newborn. I am so happy to hear that you have bonded with him so quickly.
Posted by: Laurie at June 4, 2007 9:32 AMyou have come to the other side where the lights are bright and the heart beats in full technicolor wonder.
Posted by: david at June 4, 2007 5:25 PMand it just gets better and better and...
Posted by: Mark at June 4, 2007 6:33 PMA baby has the power to reduce the best of writers to 'WOW'.
bfbh
Posted by: bfbh at June 4, 2007 10:24 PMA baby has the power to reduce the best of writers to 'WOW'.
bfbh
Posted by: bfbh at June 4, 2007 10:24 PMI love these stories....keep them coming!
Posted by: Amy at June 5, 2007 3:54 AMI know that routine very well! Even with our 3rd child I would freak out about no noise and no movement. I would wake up in the middle of the night and have to go check. Your not alone!!! And the crazy thing is I don't think it ever ends. There is always something that gets you all tied up in knots! Crazy what kids do to even a somewhat sane person!
Posted by: Stephen at June 5, 2007 10:33 PMThey are tough little nuggets. You'll get it.
Posted by: Robb at June 6, 2007 10:05 PM