August 25, 2007
the 55th
Somewhere between 54 and 55 I lost my mind.
Lost. It.
Like 54 days of running, exhaustion and heat finally tipped me over the edge.
I'm lucky, that I have 4 runs a week I do with our training group and one run with P and D that I don't have to think about. So that only leave me two runs a week to get in myself. Monday and Friday. Maybe I'm independent, more likely I'm stubborn and don't like to ask for help, but I don't usually ask anyone to run with me. Over the last 54 days I have asked for company to get me through one of these days twice. I figure I'm the one that signed up for this, it's my challenge, I can't drag someone else out to run just cause I have to get it in.
After Thursdays 10 miler, I knew 55 would be a challenge. It was going to be hotter, more humid. It would be Friday, the hardest day of the week to get a run in. I knew I wouldn't want to do the run. I knew I might need help.
So I asked a friend on Thursday night if they would run with me. They said yes. Infact they were enthusiastic. They wanted to combine it with a movie. Awesome! I had a plan for 55. I was looking forward to 55. They asked me to call them on Friday with the movie listings.
Friday morning I emailed the movie listings. They did say call, but I thought email would be better. By late afternoon I hadn't heard back from them. So I called them at work. No answer. Hmmm ... Busy. I'll send another email, asking if we are still on for the run and to call me when you aren't busy ...
By the time I left work I hadn't had a response to either email. Now this person has been know to say they want to do something, but they change their mind or just didn't want to say no in the first place. Now me, I tend to read too much into things, and don't want someone doing something they don't really want to do.
They called at 5.30.
"Hey, what are you doing?"
"Uhm, I just got home. Where are you?"
"At the music festival downtown."
"Oh."
This is where I start the process of Lossing It. You see there was a plan to get run 55 in, we had a plan in place. There was no music festival in the plan.
There was enthusiasm, running and a movie.
So in the short time it took to say music festival, I went from my whole night is sorted and I'll get this run in to you are going to let me down. If I was to be completely honest, I would say I had already boarded the doubt bus when I left work. I think I was expecting it won't pan out. I was expecting this person to let me down.
"Are you staying there (music festival) all night?"
"Yeah. This is why I've never been able to run everyday, something always comes up. Do you still want me to run with you?"
I am now snappy and bitchy. I just want off the phone. I want to get run 55 over and done with.
"NO"
"What?"
"NO. Don't bother, I don't need you. I'm fine." .... like I said I'm stubborn ... and bitchy
"I can run with you"
"No, it's fine! Bye"
"Wait. Come and get me, I'll run with you, then you can drop me back here."
This is a very reasonable offer. It is what I originally asked for someone to run with. But now I feel like they don't really want to run, hell I don't really want to run. They would rather be doing what they are doing. Which translates in my head as they would rather do that than run with me.
So now I'm pissed. There is no turning back from pissville.
I just want off the phone.
They don't.
As great as my need to hang up is, their need to rectify the situation is greater. The next few minutes aren't pretty. I'm emotional and snappy, but mostly, I'm jealous. I want to be there, drinking beer, having fun listening to the music. I don't want to be running. I don't want to let myself down. I don't want to be having this conversation anymore.
It finally ended.
I stood up, got my running stuff on and headed out. I got run 55 in.
I could of come home, showered and joined them drinking beer, having fun listening to the music, but I was still in pissville. So I called another friend. Told them we had to go out and have fun. I think I scared them into it.
In the rainy gray light of morning, I had left pissvile. I met the group for run 56. I saw the friend. They couldn't understand what they had done wrong. When I got home and checked my email. Both emails I had sent them had bounced back. They never got them.
I'm in feeling-crapville.
I think I have to apologize.
Posted by Ali at August 25, 2007 12:56 PM
Comments
you should have called me. i would have run with you. :o)
hey, you know i hate that as well, but i am guilty of it too. mostly because i make other plans for after the run, then i run the run too hard and i cant even do anything for like 24 hours.
thats today. i feel sorta bad but you know, i ran. i ran hard. i ran REALLY hard.
you're entitled to be pissed off though.
God i ramble alot on your blog. see? i'm too tired to go out, i'd be crazy to deal with.
Posted by: justjunebug at August 25, 2007 6:06 PM
I wish I had someone to run with many nights... and I think we've all had crazy emotional days that don't make a lot of sense later...but feel really important at the moment.
Posted by: Amanda at August 25, 2007 8:35 PM
I lived in Pissville from the age of 23-25. Not a happy place to be.
Posted by: Amy at August 25, 2007 10:51 PM
Crappy! I hate it when things get mixed up like that. I know how you feel - one little thing to spoil my running plans sends me into pissville (I love that word! I'm going to start using it).
If you lived in Toronto I'd offer to help out! Let me know if you're ever in town.
Posted by: Dave at August 26, 2007 2:51 PM