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September 5, 2007
the gene pool
There are days when I truly believe that the hospital gave my parents the wrong baby.
Not that they aren’t great parents or wonderful human beings.
They are. I am lucky to have them.
However, there are days when I question how we could possibly be related. Normally it’s around the Christmas season that I have real doubt.
About ten years ago, when I was married and living in England (I know there is so much you don’t know) my parents came to visit for Christmas. We are opening presents on Christmas morning. I unwrap a gift from my mom and dad. It’s a sweatshirt, with a large eagle on the front. It's that puffy plastic type paint. The stuff you can pick off. The wings go all the way down the arms, so if I spread my arms out wide, it would look like the eagle is flying!
I was speechless.
Wait, this is a joke gift, I smile and look at the two of them. But I know those faces. They don’t give joke gifts. They are serious and are looking eagerly at me waiting for my reaction. My husband, reacted.
“That is beautiful!” I stared at him in shock. “No one in England has anything like that!” Then I recognize the tone, sarcasm, one of the reasons I married him.
I sat there on the living room floor, a 24 year-old painted eagle sweat-shirted clad women. I couldn’t muster a smile, until, my husband opened his present. Yes, they had bought us matching painted eagle sweatshirts.
I don’t have any proof, but I am almost positive, it was at this moment our marriage ended.
The animal theme has continued over the years. I have a cat. So, my mom loves to buy me things with cats on them. Towels, picture frames, trinkets, napkins even coffee mugs. Nothing I buy myself has cats, eagles or other wildlife on it, but I must give out an animal vibe.
My personal favourite was last Christmas. It was so good, I almost called the hospital where the baby mix up occurred and asked for the name of all the other parents.
I opened the box, there inside was this odd looking metal duck. I lifted it carefully out of the box, the wings came loose. I grabbed them, realizing they were made of glass. I looked up slowly, hoping, praying to see my parents laughing. They weren’t laughing. They had those familiar looks on their faces. Seeking approval. Like when your cat brings you home frog, thinking they have done something wonderful.
“What is it?”
“It’s a lamp.” Mom comes over and pulls a cord from the ducks bum. “The wings light up”
“Wow”
“You don’t like it?” she looks like she just witnessed the death of her childhood puppy.
“No, it’s … it’s really, it’s lovely, so different. I just don’t know if it goes with anything I have?”
Silence
“We just thought you would like it.”
Thirty-five years they have known me. Thirty. five. years. why, why why?
Then came the clanger
“Don’t worry, it didn’t cost anything, we got free with our new mattress”
Somewhere out there, there are two really funny parents shaking their heads at their daughter cause she didn't think Superbad was hilarious.
Posted by Ali at September 5, 2007 3:18 PM
Comments
OMIGAWD! I think we're twins separated at birth. A few years ago, my parents gave me a big blue sweatshirt with a sequined picture of flowers. The flowers were one thing, but underneath the flowers was spelled out "Pansies".
To this day, Mr. Tea and I still talk about the Pansy shirt.
Posted by: Tea at September 5, 2007 4:48 PM
ha! did you ever wear the sweatshirt?
i have one of those free gifts re-gifted to me - it's a table top wine bottle opener.
Posted by: deene at September 5, 2007 5:18 PM
Oh my mom totally loves to buy me shirts to run in...I got 2 air brushed shirts and a shirt with some plastic motorcycle on the front recently. Trying to delicately explain they were hideous, I went with "Um, maybe no more shirts with air brush or appliqués, just plain white?"
Posted by: Amanda at September 5, 2007 5:55 PM
Honey,
I am so blessed that my Mother gets me, but my Grandmother continues to get me strange things.
I did laugh so hard about the mattress gift that milk snorted out my nose and all over the keyboard.
Thanks for the giggles, but I did hit my knee when I fell out of my chair from laughing so hard.
Is it possible you could send them a wish list, complete with where to buy things you'd like?
Posted by: Leighsah at September 5, 2007 8:29 PM
Hmmm, I always think my mom is lame because she won't do her own shopping, she makes me do it for her. Guess, there are some advantages to that, even if you don't feel special enough to be shopped for, at least you get what you want.
New perspective :)
Do you think the eagle thing was some reference to the US? My parents would do something like that, "we just don't want you to forget your roots," or something subtle like that. :)
Posted by: Nancy at September 5, 2007 10:29 PM
Count yourself lucky - my parents have a habit of sending me I.O.U.s
I particularly enjoy that the cord came out of the duck's bum. Classic!
Oh, hey, you commented on my blog that you have a garmin - what do you use to map your runs from that? Their standard software is nasty and I'm damned if I'm paying a monthly fee after forking out over $300 for their watch!
Posted by: Dave at September 5, 2007 11:02 PM
we're sitting here, watching last comic standing and i'm laughing at your entry so much i had to read it to smsmh, who starts laughing hard, too. she then comments, "that's funnier than anything on this show tonight, she should do stand up".
so, there you have it. you should do stand up. smsmh says so.
Posted by: jeff at September 6, 2007 12:57 AM
That is so funny! Thanks for the visual. I can totally picture the sweatshirt with the eagle. Hysterical. Parents are cute.
Posted by: Andria at September 6, 2007 12:35 PM
Love. It.
Any pictures of the awesome-tastic sweatshirt?
Posted by: Amy at September 6, 2007 1:50 PM
That's awesome! It often boggles my mind how such uncool people like my parents could produce offspring that are "cool" and "boss" like I am.
Posted by: Vanilla at September 6, 2007 3:15 PM
That was indeed hilarious.
I have a family member who is present-challenged too. My sister once gave me a pair of Snow Boots because she, not I, had moved to a place where it snows. They were the wrong size, which wasn't too bad, since they were too large rather than too small, but I couldn't help noticing they were both made for the right foot.
"They were almost sold out and that's all they had left," she explained.
So she knew when she bought them! God forbid she might actually rethink the gift or go to another store.
I keep hinting that GIFT CERTIFICATES for just about ANY DAMN THING AT ALL would be a great idea but she thinks that's too impersonal.
Posted by: Crabby McSlacker at September 6, 2007 3:30 PM
Good job you don't own a naked mole rat ;-)
What part of the UK did you live in?
Posted by: joggerblogger at September 6, 2007 4:32 PM
love it! i think that beautifully written even is something better left to the imagination.
I'm on day six of Septemberathon. I think I might die soon.
Posted by: Susan at September 6, 2007 6:48 PM
I can relate to the gifts, my grandmother ( who we all love dearly) is 86 and has for the longest time given all of us no matter what the occassion, i.e... birthday, Christmas, Avon. Not just any Avon, it is always the body wash. I do not like Avon body wash, and only know of a few family members that actually use it. But it is humorous and the gifts are never a surprise. :)
Posted by: Running Hoosier at September 6, 2007 9:25 PM
OMG that duck lamp is hideous! And Superbad WAS hilarious!
Posted by: LaurCar at September 7, 2007 2:07 PM