YaYa comes down the stairs with his hands full of hot wheel cars balanced on a Frisbee and two large plastic dinosaurs. He wears his new sweatshirt. It’s oversized and has the words, “Skateboarding is not a crime” written across the front. It’s his older brother’s walking billboard. He unloads the cars onto the floor and announces proudly, “That’s not all”. He then pours more cars from the oversized front pocket of his sweatshirt. It’s New Year’s Eve, and YaYa is an only child tonight. His brother is off at a friend’s for a New Year’s Eve Party. Tom and I sit by the fire and read and write…and watch YaYa bring his toys to life. It’s car against dinosaur. The fastest one wins.

I sit here thinking about the passing year. It was a tough year….
Papa was diagnosed with cancer. I remember him coming over in March to quiz me on stomach cancer, and determine what questions he should ask the doctor. What he really wanted to know was how much time he had left? Would he hurt? He was young and he had much to live for. He was going to fight no matter what the odds. Later that month I sat with him at his oncology appointment. I rephrased the questions that he would ask, and rephrase the doctor’s response to be sure that he understood what was being said. It wasn’t stomach cancer after all; it was worse. He endured the chemotherapy treatments. They really took it out of him. During the summer, we all played in the neighborhood pool. Papa was energized that he had gotten such a good report from his CT scan. No signs of cancer remained. He’d continue the treatments knowing that he was going to survive the cancer. He wasn’t supposed to have a heart attack. He wasn’t supposed to die. I sit here tonight wondering what happened.

It’s New Years Eve and a time to think about things that one would want to change. Okay, so I can’t change the past. I can only resolve to make the future better. At Papa’s memorial we played a couple of Papa’s favorite songs to a slide show of photos of him. “Live like you were dying” was one of them. I hear it now and wonder what it means for me. If I were the perfect Mom that I’d like to be, I’d be more patient, more caring and more understanding. I wouldn’t yell at my kids so much. But I am not perfect, I am human. My kids and husband aren’t perfect either. I hate the feeling of being out of control when nothing I want seems to be happening and everything that does happen seems to be a demand. My oldest is a teenager and he is constantly challenging me. It’s a fine line between being patient & forgiving and being walked on.

So what do I resolve to do differently this year? Pause before responding to my kids & husband, stop myself when I am going overboard, fight for only what matters, and give more hugs (when they let me).

YaYa is out of the tub. He is back at it with his cars. He’s lining them up. These ones are slow and these ones are the fast and cool ones. You can just tell that they are fast he notes, “Just look at them”. And what my about running? Always there is running. I resolve to eat healthier, to do speed-work, to keep to the training plan, and to stop before the injuries take residence within my body. I resolve to try harder than ever to get my goal of BQ. It is car against dinosaur and the fastest one wins.

Posted by Juls at 11:11 PM | Permalink

Yesterday was my 40th Birthday. I guess it was supposed to be a big deal but I am just thinking that I get 5 more minutes towards my BQ. Having my Birthday so close to Christmas has always been both a blessing and a curse.

For my Birthday my friend, Cindy, and I went for a 30 minute run at our favorite open space preserve. We didn't do the hill routes since we are both in that post-injury testing phase. It was fun to just be outdoors, running on dirt/mud, and chatting it up. No music for my run today, just good company. After the run we went for sport's massage, a dip in the ice tank, and then crepes for lunch. Not a bad Birthday at all. What's even better is that the massage therapist didn't feel any residual issues in my hamstring. I took it as a “Go” for my running. Yeah! Yippee!

Had I not had such a nice 1st day of 40, today would have me really worried about what the next year had in store for me. Today was a klutz day in the biggest way. I was out for a quick run. I mean quick in the sense that I was short on time. The plan was for 2 miles out and then back. On the way back I was working through some logistical issues in my head. Apparently I was doing more of this than paying attention to the terrain of the run. While realizing that Baseball tryouts for the boys was scheduled for the same day that my family gathering for Christmas/New Years, and trying to figure out how much of an issue this would be, I tripped. I Fell.

The runners, dog walkers and cyclists on the trail were really nice. I think the pain really showed on my face. “Are you okay?” they asked. “I think so” I said. The palm of my hand was gushing blood and it burned when the cool California air hit it. But I was sure that nothing was broken. Now, I am working really hard to type this. I’ve got who knows how many stitches in the palm of my left hand. I’ve taken some Vicodin but it still hurts. I might not be able to clean my house too well, but I am pretty sure that I can still run. What a klutz!

Posted by Juls at 10:09 AM | Permalink

A little bit more
ABOUT ME:

I am a woman, a runner, a mother of three boys, a wife (now widowed – but I still consider myself “married”), a blogger, and a friend. I am many things; these are just a few that come to mind.

I enjoy challenges, but I would never have chosen my greatest challenge so far – that being surviving my husband with two young boys at home. In spite of my loss I feel lucky that, had one of us had to go, that I got to be the one stay and experience more of the journey that life is. I am privileged that God let me see my boys go through life, and choose the destinations for their journey.

Yes, I feel that life is a journey. For me, running is a huge part of it. It’s my “me time.” It’s how I cope. Just like a great run, the journey has parts that are easy and others that are more difficult. There are parts of the journey that are beautiful others that are darn right ugly.

I have taken up writing this blog to document my journey. It also helps me to deal with my ever-changing feelings. Some day, hopefully a long time from now, my journey will end. I hope to reach the finish feeling good about what I have accomplished along the way. I hope that this blog will act as a long trail of bread crumbs to show, those that wish to know, where I have been. Perhaps, I will learn some valuable lessons along the way. Perhaps others will too. Regardless, I hope that you will enjoy.
I am a woman, a runner, a mother of three boys, a wife (now widowed – but I still consider myself “married”), a blogger, and a friend. I am many things; these are just a few that come to mind.

I enjoy challenges, but I would never have chosen my greatest challenge so far – that being surviving my husband with two young boys at home. In spite of my loss I feel lucky that, had one of us had to go, that I got to be the one stay and experience more of the journey that life is. I am privileged that God let me see my boys go through life, and choose the destinations for their journey.

Yes, I feel that life is a journey. For me, running is a huge part of it. It’s my “me time.” It’s how I cope. Just like a great run, the journey has parts that are easy and others that are more difficult. There are parts of the journey that are beautiful others that are darn right ugly.

I have taken up writing this blog to document my journey. It also helps me to deal with my ever-changing feelings. Some day, hopefully a long time from now, my journey will end. I hope to reach the finish feeling good about what I have accomplished along the way. I hope that this blog will act as a long trail of bread crumbs to show, those that wish to know, where I have been. Perhaps, I will learn some valuable lessons along the way. Perhaps others will too. Regardless, I hope that you will enjoy.

Posted by Juls at 11:57 AM | Permalink

Getting set for a morning run is a fun activity. The amount of preparation needed depends on the distance planned. In past training I’ve been heading out on my long runs before the rest of my household is awake. Careful preparation is needed to be sure that I won’t need to turn on the light, waking my husband, or noisily rummage around looking for an item and wake one of the kids.

I actually have a packing list for my marathons. It helps to insure that I have everything that I need from my running wear to my post-marathon ibuprofen. I even have my epi-pen listed in case it’s bee season. When I prepared for my last marathon, I could not find my packing list. I did my best to pack everything that I thought that I would need, but missed a key item. My friend, Cindy, could not believe that I forgot this item that has always been key to keeping me out of the porta-potties mid-race. As I reported my reported having to hit the porta-potty at mile-20 she could not believe it. If I had packed everything that I needed, this might have been avoided. But by mile-20, my Boston Qualification (BQ) was already slipping away. So I gave in to my body’s screams for about 3-5 minutes in the stall.

I've been a bit nervous about my launch into training for the Avenue of the Giants marathon. Am I ready? What if I'm not healed yet? It's been over 3 weeks since I ran the California International Marathon (CIM). I usually have returned to running within a week of my marathons. This time was different because I had run the Silicon Valley Marathon just 5 weeks before CIM.

“When’s your next marathon?” my friends and family asked. We were still in the finish area of CIM. Some had launched into advice about adding specific speed-work, and increasing the total distance per week. Others told me to wait at least 6 months before running another one. “You run too many marathons”, they said. I dodged the question about the timing of my next marathon. I usually run a better marathon when I haven’t let too much time pass since the last one. But I don’t want to compromise my ability to run either so I’m easing into it cautiously.

It's been a couple of days since my last entry. I've done a couple of short runs. I've found these Post injury runs are a bit different than my usual meditative run. These runs were filled with caution. I was not relaxed, but rather staying alert to my body to immediately determine any discomfort should it arise. I’m holding off on runs where I need to put forth the time to lay out my clothes, watch, etc. It’s still recovery time for my body.

Posted by Juls at 10:05 AM | Permalink

Running is sort of a meditative thing for me. It keeps me sane when things are crazy in my life. But I’ve been on the injured list since my last marathon. I don’t really know what the issue is exactly. Most recently I’ve determined that the pain starts at my hamstring and shoots down into my knee socket. So I’ve not been running for the past few weeks. I haven’t been doing any sort of exercise at all. That is except exercising my right to put food in my mouth. I’ve been craving sweets and they are plentiful this time of year.

Today is the second day that I have been totally pain free. I’m planning to go running tomorrow morning. I won’t do anything too long, and not too fast. I just want to be outside, rain or shine, putting one foot in front of the other and feeling the wind blow in my face.

There are few things that I love about running. I love the sound of the dirt crunching under my feet. That sound takes me back to running on the track during high school. “No pain, no gain”, my coach used to say. I can still hear his voice sometimes when I hear that sound. He was such a big part of my life. He taught me to work hard and persevere. Another thing that I love about running is the swooshing of my ponytail. It sounds like a crazy thing, but there it is. Sometimes I can’t actually feel it moving when I am running. Sometimes I just see it moving in my shadow. It moves differently, when I am moving slowly, than when I am running at my race pace. Finally, I love when my run is over and I feel relaxed and calm. Sometimes I am energized, knowing that I ran my desired pace or distance. Other times I am tired and sore. Being tired and sore can make me feel good too. It’s a constant reminder that I pushed hard. Then I reward my body with a good meal.

I’m going running tomorrow. It won’t be far. But I’m more than ready.

Posted by Juls at 10:01 AM | Permalink

Ever since Runner's World did a story on Blogging I've been interested in starting a Blog. I'm a distance runner and can see the value in having an outlet for jotting it down. I already try to record my marathon races in my scrapbook, write a race plan or "mock up", and finish with the race report. So why not Blog it.

I've been running since I was a kid. Ever since I can remember, I've been running. In 5th grade there was a boy names Eric. He was the fastest runner in our school. I wanted to beat him - Just once. So every day at lunchtime the races would go on. From one end of the grass field to the other we would run and Eric would always get there first...Except once. Goals are like that. You just have to keep on trying and you'll succeed.

My husband once told me, when we were dating, that I could have anything that I wanted. He added that I just had to want it bad enough. At the time that he said it, I was trying to get into the nursing program at school. It was a time where many more wanted into the program than there was space for. Grades mattered and mine were only average. I was motivated and I did get in. Over the many years that have passed since then I applied the quote as inspiration in other areas of my life.

With running, my goal has been to qualify to run in the Boston Marathon. Qualifying is basically driven by a couple of factors: age and gender determine the required finish time in a certified marathon. When I ran my first marathon in March of 2002 I had only the goal of finishing. In the back of my mind I thought it would be great to do it in 4 hours. I finished in 4:02:52. I was pleased. A friend of mine also ran her first marathon that day. She qualified for Boston. I researched the requirements for me to run in Boston and figured 17 minutes didn't seem like such a big deal. Boy was I wrong.

In January 2006 I'll launch into training for my 10th marathon. I plan to Blog my training here and perhaps a bit more. I don't imagine many will be interested in reading this, but feel free to check in for blogging of my race report. It will be in early May. I plan to title the entry "The Finish Line". Wish me luck.

Posted by Juls at 10:00 AM | Permalink

The California International Marathon was just 5 weeks after the Silicon Valley Marathon. It was not a time for training, but more of a time for recovery. I got a sports massage two days after SVM and took it easy for a week. After a week, I began running again seriously but with reduced mileage. For my long runs, I did an 8 miler, then 13 miles, then 15. After that I tapered.

When I hit Sacramento, I was pretty optimistic. I wasn’t going to have the same stomach issues. I had a plan to run with the pace team and run with my new iPod as well. I even had some fun short music files that have the voices of my family cheering me on. I was set.

At the race expo, I hooked up with the 3:50 pace team leader. His name was Bill and not only did he explain how he was going to get us to the finish line on time, he also talked about what it is like to run in the Boston Marathon. I was psyched when I left the expo and looking forward to race day.

By race morning, I was ready to give Boston Qualification another shot. I was in good spirits and wasn’t going to let the little things, like forgetting a spoon for my oatmeal, get to me. I drank the oatmeal. Remembering my stomach issues at the Silicon Valley Marathon, I also didn’t get upset when I realized that I had not brought my way of ensuring that my “business” was taken care of prior to the gun going off. The morning was cold. It was REALLY cold. I decided on my Capri-length leggings and a long-sleeved shirt.

I spend too much time on the bus. By the time I was dropping my sweat bag and heading for the port-o-potties, everyone else was heading for the start. I kept calm, remembering the chip timing.

It was true that I would not be penalized for time from the gun going off to the time I crossed the starting line. It was equally true that the 3:50 pace team was far ahead of me by the time I was crossing the start. I did my best to find them and still not push too hard this early in the race.

After a bit of this “chasing” the unseen pace leader, I gave up hope of finding him. I just ran the race while listening to my new iPod. It was nice to have the music, which I kept to a low volume so that I could still interact with the crowd.

The spectators were few but steady; there wasn’t any part of the course where they were totally absent. I took it all in, waving at the kids, and enjoying the entertaining signs. While I knew that the “Go Mom” sign was not for me, I took it as a message from my own kids. The sign that said, “Don’t Puke” had new meaning for me after my experience with the Silicon Valley Marathon just 5 weeks before. I had high hopes that this race would be a far different experience.

At about the mid-way point, I kept my eyes open for my brother, who lives near there, but to no avail. I was fighting the slow down and losing. While trying not to get discouraged and give up, I heard my husband’s voice. I looked around, thinking that he’d surprised me by coming onto the course rather than just waiting at the finish. Then I heard DD’s voice and the words that followed were all too familiar. It was the recorded words of encouragement that was playing on my iPod. I smiled, even laughed out loud at myself and continued onward.

Around mile 18, I was in desperate need for a port-a-potty. I mean DESPERATE. But there wasn’t one in sight. I slowed down to keep from having an “accident” and cursed my having forgotten to pack the suppository. My BQ was already getting away from me, but this certainly wasn’t helping. I was so relieved to see the large flag marking the 19th mile, but there was no potty in sight. I would have to go another mile. I continued on, sometimes having to walk in order to minimize the damage.

By the time I reached mile 20, I was beyond desperate. My stomach was cramping badly from “holding it” and I just held back the tears. My BQ was lost. As I hovered over the pot, trying not to let my body touch any part of the surrounding area, I couldn’t relax enough to go. There were other runners pounding on the door and while I knew their desperation, they weren’t helping things. 5 minutes later, I was on my way again.

Those last 6.2 miles never felt so long. I tried to come up with a secondary goal of finishing the race in 4 hours, but my head wasn’t satisfied with that goal. I’d lost the fight for Boston AGAIN, and it was disappointing. I ran. I walked. I hit the final stretch towards the finish and heard BoBo yelling my name. I began to cry, but I kept running as I crossed the finish line in tears at 4:04 with plans for another BQ attempt sometime in the future.

Posted by Juls at 9:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)