I got to work a little later than usual. Having not eaten more than a piece of toast with peanut butter on it, a cheese stick, and my usual non-fat latte by 10 a.m., I was kind of hungry. It was too late to get oatmeal in the cafeteria and yet too early to get lunch. So I busied myself with work. I got busy responding to emails, returning the calls, completing forms, faxing queries, and finally preparing all of the correspondence for the central files. I was on a roll.

One thing led to another and before I knew it I was cleaning some of my personal items out of cabinets and drawers and putting the things into a carboard box. I swear that I didn't plan this, it just happened. Now my office is two boxes cleaner and the framed photos are arranged slightly differently. Naturally, I had worked up an appetite by noon, and what better meal to eat than an omelete. I ate at my desk and continued to plow through my work. By 3 p.m. I was ready to go for a run.

So, I carried my boxes down to my van, went back into the office to change into my running clothes, and drove away towards my favorite open space preserve. On the trail, I found the familiar sound of crunching dirt meditative. Crunch - crunch - crunch. The wind in my face brought me to life, and the sun on my back gave me an inner calmness. I was happy. I found my way to my favorite hill. Up - up - up the hill I went in record time; crunch - crunch - crunch. By the time I hit the top of the longest and steepest part of the trail I'd run 3.7 miles in 34 minutes.

The hill had felt hard. I mean, I was breathing hard. I had resisted the urge to look at the time on my GPS until I hit this point. I had decided that I would turn around if I hadn't hit the sign in less than the usual 36 minutes. Yes, I was surprised a my time. I decided to go just a bit further (some how miss-calculating the distance). By the time I figured out the error in the distance it was too late. So instead of running 8 miles, I ran 9.5 miles. And I feel good.

Posted by Juls at 10:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I continued on my run, now listening to any song that my iPod would play for me. No particular playlist for today's run. Remember, I am not training right now, I am just maintaining my running in between marathons. The path took me onto the dirt and past various people out walking. I greeted them all with a smile and a friendly hello...as I ran and thought about the similarities to marathon training and the career path.

Before I go into training, I have to look at myself carefully - Identifying my strengths, prior running experience, and determining a goal for myself. For me, having the goal to BQ, it is a goal of significance but I am willing to put in the work. It parallels my career goals as well. I like a challenge where I can pull from my prior nursing experience and continue to learn the clinical research role. After the goal has been set, I choose a race to target, and then the figure out the plan to achieve the goal. Although I yet to achieve my running goal, I have a good base for the process. Now, I figure I can do the same with my career.

So I ran today and thought about my strengths, and prior experience. I thought about my journey, and figure I will do what it takes to live down the dream - be it running, family or my career.

Posted by Juls at 10:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

You've got to get up every morning
With a smile in your face
And show the world all the love in your heart

The people gonna treat you better
You're gonna find, yes you will
That you're beautiful as you feel

I've been practicing the art of keeping a smile on my face. At the beginning of the day I have taken a little extra time to dress a little nicer, put a little more attention on my hair, and "smile." It's true; I do feel better. I am not sure that I feel "beautiful" but I'll take it.

At the end of the day, I am smiling because I am away from the stressed out people at the office. I pick up YaYa from camp and learn all about his day. He played basketball and went to the skating rink. He tells me that he skated with the 3-wheeled skates. I sure hope they were in-line skates.

We enjoyed a Jamba Juice drink at BoBo's football practice. Oh yes, it's not "practice" - it's "conditioning." BoBo is in the receiver group and they are running, turning and then they catch the thrown football. After a few minutes of this, the coach has BoBo throw the ball to the other boys. Hum? I figure this could mean 1 of 2 things. Either the coach's arm was sore, or he thinks BoBo might make a good quarterback (QB). I've got mixed feelings on this one. I like that he is good, but I don't like the idea of my baby getting squished. I'll get over it.

Finally, I am back at home. I cooked a good dinner tonight - so I am told. My family was too busy eating to notice that I only ate the brown rice. The truth is that I have lost my appetite sometime after lunch...and it never came back.

There are a few things that cause loss of appetite. One of the big reasons might be big corporate companies that layoff hundreds of employees and then turn around and purchase two other companies. It is nauseating...OR my loss of appetite might have been due to the Jamba Juice (but that's nothing to write about).

After a 5 mile run today, we had a meeting with the new "suits" that are now learning their way around our office building. The displayed the new org chart where there are about 6 positions that the people in my department and the corresponding department of our sister company are all vying for. Between the 2 companies there are about 50 people all "in selection" for these 6 positions. Maybe I am missing something, but I just don't see how I can sit around and wait to see if they "select" me. I *was* smiling when I went into the room, and I *was* smiling when I went out. I was smiling, but I was not feeling so beautiful at that moment.

And then I heard about my colleague's husband who found out why he has been in pain for the past 6 months or so. It wasn't good news. The news puts it all in perspective. We can all get new jobs, but at least we have our health.

So after cooking that fabulous dinner (so they said), I updated my resume and my blog. I looked into what it would take to get my RN license back in active status and picked out some CEU courses to take. It's just more on the journey. Tomorrow, I'll wake up and put my smile on again. Why not?

Posted by Juls at 9:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I found my running things and when out for a run in the streets around my house. I didn't pay too much attention to the pace displayed by my Forerunner; I just ran. At a nice point where I could turn and head for home, one of my favorite songs came on my iPod. All the songs on my iPod are good ones, but this song is particularly fun to run to. I continued straight, extending my run. The sun was already putting the heat on, but there was a nice breeze blowing and the street was tree lined. I listened to the beat and though about my running.

Technically, I am not "training" right now. I remember reading in a newsletter from www.active.com about the difference between working out and training. The article explained that in training there is a focus where the training peaks for a goal race. In contrast working out simply maintains a level of fitness. Well, right now my running focus is on recovery, then it will be a few more weeks prior to starting with another training schedule.

I figured this time, my focus will be for the Nike Women's Half-Marathon. My plan would be to build upon my marathon training using Hal Higdon's Advanced Half-Marathon Training Plan for the October race date. I knew that the half-marathon training would overlap with the beginning of my marathon training for the California International Marathon in December. What I didn't figure out (until now) is that *both* the 12-week half-marathon training and the 18-week training plan have the *same* start date of July 30th.

Yikes! Okay, I was enjoying the idea of a break from marathon training. I think. Here is the revised plan. Nothing is set in stone; perhaps I can somehow combine the two programs, or I could have a new goal marathon.

Posted by Juls at 4:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I can remember back to the days of nursing. Things were very different for me and my family in those 12 plus years. It's the things like being about to have both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day off that I would give up if I returned to nursing. I cannot tell you how many times Santa has had to come to our house early just so I could get up on Christmas morning for the 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. shift. Prior to that, there was many a Christmas Eve where I would work 7 p.m. to 7 a.m. only to come home exhausted and struggle to watch the kids open their presents. That was when I worked Pediatric Intensive Care. When I worked in Home Health, I had to provide end of life care to 3 of my kids on one single Christmas weekend. I was numb by the time I arrived at my sister's house for dinner. It didn't even register when they were singing Happy Birthday to me. But missing the holidays was not the worst of it.

As a Home Health nurse, I drove to my patients homes to basically teach their parents how to nurses for their children. As a pediatric nurse, most of my patients had private insurance. Their insurance would only cover a few nursing visits to teach things such as how to administer antibiotics into the view using a portable IV pump, care of a new central line for a newly diagnosed cancer patient, or complex wound care. The pediatric patients were just enough to spread me thin and I would drive over 200 miles each day to complete my visits. The driving, repetitive actions in some of the care that I provided regularly, and the use of a laptop created injuries in both of my wrists. It got to the point that I couldn't pick up my own infant without it hurting. My arms got so weak that I was afraid that I would drop him. It hurt just to cradle him in my arms while breastfeeding him. It was time for a career change. It was a difficult decision to make for me as I loved my patients. I loved what I was doing and I felt that I was D@mn good at it.

In the process of making this career change, I found that people try to make judgments about who a person is by finding out what they do for a living. When you are a nurse, people think that is "good." When you say that you work in the pharmaceutical industry, people don't know what to think. Are you evil? Do you keep all that extra money that they charge for drugs now a day? Well, I can tell you that I am *not* evil; I'd like to think that I am still working for the patients. I work to get new drugs onto the market - to obtain the information that the FDA uses to determine if a drug is safe and if it works. There isn't any immediate feedback. It is years in the process and so many drugs don't make it. It certainly isn't as rewarding as nursing was, but I have gotten used to my new life. I now have a life where I see my kids on the weekends and after school. At my current company, I have flexibility to be around more - to flex my time if I need to so that I can attend that play at school. Not all of my friends in this industry have it so well. My friend Cindy seems to be traveling ALL of the time. Now, as I consider changing companies I am forced to take another look at my career. I need to figure out what it is that I like doing the best. How could I make my job more enjoyable, or more rewarding? When I figure it out, then I can go for it.

Posted by Juls at 10:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

It wasn't long after the gift giving, that he and DD were off for their bike ride. The kids and I headed to the track. BoBo and YaYa played around on the football field while I did some running on the track. The track is only a year or so old so it has plenty of bounce. I judged my thigh to be okay after a 1-mile warm up, so I tried my legs out on some speedwork.

Time / Distance(mi ) / phase
9:04 / 1.00 mile / warm up
3:38 / 0.53 mile / 800 repeat
3:23 / 0.26 mile / rest
3:43 / 0.52 mile / 800 repeat
3:13 / 0.26 mile / rest
3:50 / 0.53 mile / 800 repeat
9:42 / 0.90 mile / cool down

Now, I realize that 3 repeats isn't all that agressive of a speed workout, but it was good enough for me. It was also about all the time the kids seemed to have the patience for. With the cool down, it totaled 4 miles.

Afterwards, we got something cool to drink and then went to the library to look up a book that Dori recommended for my little blogger (YaYa). Although we were unsuccessful in locating the book (it would have helped if I had remembered the title correctly), we picked out a few other fun books. On the way home we passed 2 cute cyclists who were looking tired and hot.

Posted by Juls at 1:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

In my teens and early twenties, I worked in the grocery business. I would greet my customers with a smile, ask them how they were doing, and truely listen to what their response was. That was how it was done back then (which wasn't all that long ago). I got to know my customers very well. I'd ask how little Johnny did in his baseball game last Saturday, and notice that Mrs. H had gotten her hair cut. It made my job all the more pleasant. Even on days when I wasn't feeling so good, or if something in my personal life had me stressed, my customers rarely would be able to tell. But that was then, and this is now.

Some where on in my life I stopped being able to hide my feelings. I guess it was because I didn't have to do it anymore. More and more it seemed that I was wearing my emotions on my sleeve for all to read.

So today, department by department was called into mandatory meetings at my work. The message was all too clear - the company is reorganizing and, in 45 days, some of us will be notified that they will no longer have a position. We all received WARNing letters. Not exactly "pink slips," but pretty darn close to it. I just listened and took it all in. I wrote down the pertinant dates. And then it hit me - I am the last to be hired into my job position. The last! What could *that* mean? They listed the criteria that is considered in the process of "selection" and listed hiring date as one of the last considerations. After we received our letters, I could feel the emotions coming to the top and I bolted out of there. I HAD to go for a run.

And so there it was...I needed to run and yet I had planned to rest today. My running clothes were downstairs in the locker room. I had everything that I would need. I was missing some nice-to-haves like my water-belt, sunscreen, and body glide... but I had what I needed. Soon I was off into the heat of a 100 degree day with tears streaming down my face as I headed down the stairs and my co-workers wondering why I was crying *now*. Why not? What is the point in pretending to be happy? I am NOT.

Posted by Juls at 5:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Today, I slipped on my running shoes, shorts and my jog bra and went outside for a lunchtime run with Mark. It was a hot day in the 90s, but it just doesn't compare to the torturous heat on marathon day. No water, no sunglasses, and no sunscreen - my bag isn't restocked yet - and still I figured that it would be fine. It was only going to be 4-5 miles at a nice easy pace.

I was so nonchalant about this run that I didn't even mind starting out before my forerunner fully located the satellites.

The first half mile or so was not easy; I was breathing a little rapidly due to my stuffy nose. Finally, I settled into the pace as we made our way up a quick but steep hill and onto the paved bike path. After this point was when I became aware of my left thigh (just above my knee). It was hurting. This was not alarming. It was however a sign that my plans to attack another marathon were probably not a good idea. I really don't want to drive my self to the point where I'd have to stop running so I'll just be happy to slow it down a bit.

We stopped at the water fountain. I told Mark that I'd wait while he ran a bit farther and I would start back up when he continued back towards work. We were 1.99 miles out at this point. Mark was happy to turn back right there, so we continued back towards work on our semi-loop course. Being no stranger to injuries getting the best of his running, Mark began to probe me for whether this pain that I was feeling was the pain that said, "slow down; I'm sore" or "you stop or I'll stop you." It was too mild to tell, but I said I'd let him know. We slowed the pace as we continued back.

We ended up running 4.6 miles at an average pace of 9:15/mile. By the end of the run I didn't even feel the pain in my thigh. After my shower however, I felt it again as I tried to climb the stairs. I didn't question it; I just stepped back down and went to the elevator. I drank some recovery drink, and iced my owie. I guess I *won't* be running tomorrow. For now, I'll settle for a slow down.

Posted by Juls at 6:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

On the positive side, my muscles are hardly sore at all. It's amazing. I've been able to go up and down stairs without a problem. I feel like I could even run today if I wanted to...which I don't. Really. Do I sound like I am trying to convince myself of this? It's true; I already have the urge for a run.

Instead of running, I let myself dig into work a bit. I even enjoyed working today. It isn't that I don't like my job, it is just that I have been going crazy with the impending race. I was really having a hard time concentrating on it. I am happy to be back in my world - where there is work, kid shuttling to and fro, a not so short commute, and too much to do.

After barely getting YaYa picked up on time from soccer camp, we headed to get BoBo at his first day of *high school* football practice. Football! After years of protecting my boy from this contact sport, I am finally letting him play. DD played HS football, so it is only fair. He is enthusiastic about working out, lifting weights, running, and even eating better. There is nothing wrong with that. If he can run fast enough, they won't be able to crush him. Okay, I said he is enthusiastic about this football thing; I will be an enthusiastic and supportive Football Mom.

Posted by Juls at 7:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

It's been 2 days since the marathon and I can't shake the image of the girl who was having a seizure on the side of the road. I suppose that is normal. I can't help but wonder if there really wasn't something else that I could have offered in help. I am a inactive nurse, but a nurse none the less. On race day, I came upon the scene, stopped briefly, determined that everyone helping out was doing everything that I could think to do in this situation, and then continued running. But was that selfish? It was. Was there anything further that I could have done? Probably not. So why am I so disturbed? I have to ask myself, if there wasn't enough help, or if they weren't doing the right thing, would I have not wanted to stop? I know that I *would* have stopped. But would I have not *wanted* to stop? On this race day, there was no doubt that it would not be my day to qualify, but what about the next race. At Grandma’s everyone out there was just lucky to survive.

That brings on the next question: Is this stress that I repeated put on my body too much? Is it insane to push through the pain towards my BQ? Okay, maybe I am going overboard. But really, I went to Duluth with high hopes of a BQ. By traveling far from home, I was forced to leave my family behind. On race day, I was missing them. I was missing them as I made a point to give the little kids high-fives because they were there, and it was HOT, and they were out there for us...for me...anyways. But I wished it had been YaYa and BoBo. And I wanted to see Tom. At the same time I thought how good it was for them not to have to sit in the heat, just waiting for me. Is it selfish for me to have wanted them there? Is it selfish for me to ask them to drop everything that they are doing to sit on the sidelines and wait for me to run past? It is. But I need them. And this race will certainly not be the last.

Posted by Juls at 9:37 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

But the weather was less than optimal for physical activity of this sort. It was hot. I heard 88 degrees and wondered why it felt like it was in the 100s. The humidity is why. It was about 80 percent I am told.

Not far into the course the first person when down. She was about my age and was having a seizure. She must have bit her lip because her emesis was mixed with blood. It was a horible sight. I slowed down to assess the situation. The people helping her seemed to be doing exactly what I would know to do. I continued on, and then felt guilty for not stopping for the next few miles. Later in the course others went down and out. Ambulances were passing frequently and I knew that I had just forget my BQ goal today and just stay safe. I wasn't keeping pace anyhow, so it wasn't a hard choice to make.

No matter how many marathons I do, it is never "easy." Today was just a reminder to me of the magnitude of how physically demanding marathoning is.

I finished in 4:36, per the race clock, and just wandered in complete numbness. I felt so empty and alone. My clothes were soaked through and I am wiped out. To top it off, Verizon Wireless apparently could not keep up the demands of the 9,000+ runners making calls in Duluth - the network died. So I couldn't call my family for a much needed Hello until I finally dragged my way back to the hotel.

Now, it is time to rest up. My flight leaves at 5 a.m. tomorrow.

Posted by Juls at 1:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

In the afternoon I met up with V-teamer, Greg, for the bus tour of the race course. I didn't see much from the front window (being short and all) but saw a lot of green from the right window and views of Lake Superior on the left side. We examined the road and compared it to the elevation profile. We both agreed that we are in for a nice race tomorrow.

Being one that is prone to motion sickness, I took my Dramamine just after boarding the bus. It allowed me to look out the side window without feeling sick. I now have a throbbing headache, however. I don't know if I just haven't eaten enough, it if was the effects of the Dramamine, or if this sore throat really isn't just allergies. None the less, I am back at the hotel taking it easy. Unfortunately, RBF'er, Dori, just called me and we will not be meeting up today. I hope we can find eachother sometime tomorrow. I saw that she has a new post today, and I can't wait to read it.

Prior to leaving the port, I walked around a bit to take in some sights in the finish area. Duluth has an interesting mix of nature and city all in one small area. There are areas that remind me of our visit to Boston - Tom, the kids and I were by the big children's museum taking in the sights by the boats.

It's hard not to think of home when I am away from it. I like being able to relax and go to sleep when I want. I like not hearing the fighting all of the time. But I sure do miss my family, too. I wish they were here to share this with me (assuming that I am finally able to BQ), and yet I know that sitting around for nearly 4 hours, waiting for Julie to finish her race can be boring too. So to Tom, BoBo, and YaYa (I by some miracle you read this) - I miss you and love you a lot.

Finally, I want to thank all of the RBF'ers who have posted comments of well wishes on my blog. I appreciate the encouragement. I will post my race report, at least a condensed version, as soon as I am able. Until then...

Posted by Juls at 1:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I decided not to check either bag to be sure that I would have them. Obsessive? Yes. I put my race clothes, GPS, iPod in the backpack...with the laptop. I wore my running shoes, even though I only *run* in my running shoes until they are officially retired. This was because I couldn't fit them in the backpack. Why? Well, what if there was no room for my roller-bag and it *had* to be checked. Then suppose they lost the bag. Then what?

My bag was heavy as I had to bring the laptop too. The "blog" you know. It turns out that the hotel has free internet, so if you are one of my few blog readers, then you are in luck.

I've gone to the expo already, but will probably be back there tomorrow. I want to take the bus tour of the race course. Then there is the pasta feed.

I made it hear, now I just have to relax and stay healthy until race day.

Posted by Juls at 7:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

In a nutshell:
I want to run a focused, even effort race. I want to finish in less than 3 hours, 50 minutes and be qualified to run the Boston Marathon in 2007. I also want to feel relatively good throughout the race. This "feeling good" would be a product of the hard, consistent training that I have done in these past 6 months.

I imagine seeing the finish line, the clock displaying a qualifying time as I approach and cross. I feel happy, relieved, and (who knows) ecstatic. I’ve done it.

Soon after finishing, I will get to my cell phone, call my family and tell the whole story.

From the start of the day:
I would wake up refreshed, excited, ready to run, and still calm. I eat the food I brought, drink my coffee, do my "business." I would surely have all of my things for the race ready. I’ve set these out the night before (as always). I’ll wear my run skirt, my red jogbra and red short sleeved shirt. I’ll have my sweat pants & jacket over the top but will leave them with the drop-bag at the start. The weather will be good for running. Cool, but not cold. Not raining, and not to hot.

I’ll be well hydrated, but not too much so. I will empty my bladder prior to the start and be at the start ready to go when the gun goes off. I’ll wear my fuel belt – stocked with plenty of GU for the entire race, some gummy bears, 2 bottles of cytomax and 2 bottles of MetroMint water. I’ll have my iPod (fully charged) with my BQ Playlist ready to go. The music will fuel me and keep me right on-pace as I run. I will be able to enjoy the music but will also enjoy the spectator’s support. I will hear my family and friends voices right when I need them. It will remind me of their support and I will not be lonely during this race.

Although, I know that my family and friends may have their attention on me, I will not let that affect me on race weekend. I will have separation from the expectations, fears, advice, etc. I will have and keep my space throughout the race. I be present, have amusement, focus, determination, and all of the tools to bring me to that finish line on-time.

I can do this. I am strong. I am powerful. I am determined, confident, and I am well trained.
Boston…here I come.

Posted by Juls at 3:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

When he was born, I took one look at him and knew that he was the most beautiful baby in the world. His labor was a marathon of labors. I had to wonder what sort of child this boy was going to be. It wasn't long before I could see his independent, certain, and funny personality. He loved motion. When he was in the jog stroller, he would cry when I would slow to a walk. When he learned to walk, he was nearly running by the next day.

Over this past year, BoBo's personality has been in constant change. He is in the phase of his life where he morphs from boy to man. The teen years are a strange time where there is *never* any food in the house worth eating, he isn't ever tired, and always seems to need a ride somewhere. He is angry, sweet, stubborn, and gentle. His friends mean *so* much to him that he never seems to be home. It makes me wonder why he fought so hard to stay out of the world, and close to Mama, initially. 47 HOURS!

BoBo still has a few more years in his safe warm home with Mom, Dad and his younger brother. I don't think he'll realize the support until he is out in the world. I realize that I can't anticipate how hard it will be to see him leave the nest. Then it will be time again for a birth; it will be time for him to be born into a new world. As for now, as he moves from Middle School to High School, I'll enjoy the moments that I do have. I love him and was a proud Mom at his graduation ceremony (eyes welling up with tears and all).

BoBo's growing up is going so fast. The slowest part was his life was birth, and from that point on...it's all a blurr.

Posted by Juls at 8:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Today, however, I found the zone again. I ran with Passion and Focus; I ran for the joy of running. We started out at a nice comfortable pace and eased into the run. We ran with our iPods, which is not the usual when we run together. Cindy had a new Nano and was just experiencing how different running can be with the right music. We didn't ignore eachother, but we weren't talking much. It was more a run of sign language.

It was fine with me that miles 1-4 were around 9 minutes/mile. I was picking up speed and Cindy was along for the run. Just shy of mile 4, Let's Get It Started began playing. I imagined that I was on the course, at mile 21-22, running up Lemon Drop Hill. In past marathons, I've been wiped by this point in the race. "Not this time", I thought as I pushed hard and imagined the real challange beginning. Cindy was in a bit of shock as to what I was doing as she, reluctantly, tried to keep the pace. I explained later when she caught up to me.

There were other magic moments where I let the songs take me for a run. As I ran and listened to each song, I examined how the song affected me and thought about where along the course I would want to hear the song.

This is expecially true for the special music files that my son, DD, made for me of the encouraging voices of my family and friends. He did an *amazing* job with them.

Even though I won't be "almost there", Go Mom, Your Almost There (with YaYa's sleepy and sweet voice) will play at mile 12 because that is YaYa's Road. I will hear Tom's voice, in Inspiration For Mom From Her Boys, around mile 16, Highway 61. Since Tom is a Bob DD fan, this location for this song seemed most fitting. I will hear Marian Again For Julie at Mile 20. I met Marian, at mile 20, while running the Napa Valley Marathon in 2005. Marian who, at age 57 years old, has run over 100 marathons is an inspiration to me.

With 6 days to go, I am trying to think everything through carefully as I gear up for this race, my 10th marathon. I am looking forward to an amazing experience that I will never forget. It's *my* time to qualify to run the Boston Marathon!

Posted by Juls at 10:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

What am I doing?!

I've got so much to do and yet I have spent the last hour (at least) on the "blogs"

I've got so much to do:
* clean the house
* feed the kids
* clean the house
* shop
* develop my race plan
* figure out what I need to stock up on for race day
* pack
* clean the house
* pack what I forgot to pack
* get all of the end of school things in order for my husband, I mean "the kids"
* clean the house...why isn't if EVER clean?!
* etc

Posted by Juls at 9:58 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires
Will come to you

If your heart is in your dreams
No request is to extreme

When you wish upon a star
As dreamers do

It was just like any other night, as I glanced into the sky and saw a beautiful sight. For just at that moment, a single star fell from its spot high in the sky. I quickly made a wish.

I could have wished for so many things. I could have...but instead I wished for my BQ at Grandma's Marathon. It was the first thing that came to my mind. With 8 days until the race, what else was I going to think of? Still, I felt a bit guilty for not having something else on my mind.

Fate is kind
She brings to those who love
As sweet fullfillment of their secret drowns
Like a boat out of the blue
Fate steps in and see's you through

Moma when you wished upon a star
Your dreams come true

Should I have wished for my children instead...for their health, their learning, or their happiness? Or my husband? Or my Mother? Should I have skipped the wish and got my son's attention and shared the lovely sight? All of this desire for EVERYONE to have health and a joyful life is in my heart; I just didn't think it at that moment. It is amazing that it takes so little time for a star to fall from so high up.

Fate is kind
She brings to those who love
As sweet fullfillment of their secret drowns
Like a boat out of the blue
Fate steps in and see's you through

Baby when you wish upon a star
Your dreams come true
When you wished upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
Your dreams come true

When I first set out on the quest for qualification, it was just a dream. People would wish me "good luck" and I knew that I would need it. It's not just a dream at this point. I have worked harder this time. I have been consistent in my pace runs, speed work, long runs, and training mileage. I have trained so hard, for *so* long. The question is: Is it enough? I have to believe that it is. Luck won't get me there, but I'll take it anyways. Luck, good karma, wishes on falling stars, whatever might help me to be able to report that I made my dream a reality.
A "dream come true."

Posted by Juls at 11:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Just as a new pair of running shoes can do wonders in how your legs tolerate the road, a run has a way of changing your outlook on life.

I finally got out for my run around 3 p.m. today and feel so much better. I feel like I've just woke up after a long nap.

Life is good again. I've got a new pair of shoes to break in on time for the marathon, and the fog has lifted from my mind.

Posted by Juls at 5:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

On Tuesday morning, after I dropped off the kids at school, I went out for my run. Running 4 miles was barely enough to get warmed up after all of these weeks of hard training. My head was beginning to throb and I was not going to let that headache take hold. I ran past the line up of cars by the freeway. I felt sort of guilty for taking the entire day off just to scatter ashes in the late afternoon. But my head *did* hurt and had I not already set things up for the day off entirely, I probably would have called in sick. I wasn't much good to work in this state anyhow. My run was at a nice pace and was over before I knew it. I quickly read and responded to emails from work and kept wondering why I was being so conscientious about work. The rules are that if you don't set foot into the building you do not get paid for the day. Fine!

I showered quickly and rushed off to YaYa's school for the International Day performance. It would be the only daytime event that I have been able to get away from work for. I haven't chaperoned any field trips, helped out in the classroom, or anything of the sort. Yes, I am guilt ridden.

The performance was outside on a very warm day. I had on the skirt and black sweater that I had planned to wear to the scattering of the ashes later in the day. I even had on some low-heeled sandals. This attire was a mistake. As I said, it was a VERY warm day. YaYa was sitting across the blacktop from where I was sitting. I could see him looking around for me. He looked sad. Later he did his 3 song and dance performances and I struggled to get a good shot of him. There was another boy who, no matter where I moved to, was always blocking my view. Somehow I managed to get a couple of shots. By that point, I was feeling a bit dizzy. I hadn't had time to eat and by this time it was nearly 11 a.m. Just before I left, YaYa caught sight of me. He smiled and I blew him a kiss. He caught it and put it to his face. Then I snuck off.

We had a hard time getting to the cemetery that my Mom had picked to leave my stepfather's ashes. My husband and I got in a bit of an argument on the way there. I was mad at him for printing just the map of the area and not the detailed step-by-step directions. As I drove, he would say things like, "up ahead you can turn left OR right...it doesn't really matter." What? How could it “NOT matter”? We were already late and we were driving through the bad part of town! He seemed to be enjoying it, telling BoBo how the people who lived in that area didn't have the nice things like him. They didn't have organized baseball or parents who could take them all over town whenever they wanted. I just wanted to know the next turn, but he kept going on and on with his sermon. When I expressed my frustration (yes, this was out loud) he yelled back at me. It probably wasn’t my best move, and I probably was being a b!tch. I KNEW that he was just trying to help, but he was doing it in his male way and that was not working for me. Why didn't he just print the DIRECTIONS? So now, I was sad and angry and late...and hurt. When I got out of the car, none of my family seemed to notice because it was only natural that I was upset.

The scattering of my Papa's ashes was not exactly what any of us had in mind. My Mom was crying and I wasn't sure if it was because she was sad for his death or because the garden had more ash plots than flowers. Somehow, we managed to make the best of it. As funny of a sight as it must have been, we all brought little containers to take a bit of the ashes back with us so that we could do our own special thing with them. I commented on how we always fought over him when he was alive; it seemed natural to continue to have to share him after his death. We all loved him so much.

I ran 5 miles yesterday. It was an okay run. It is so strange to feel so empty. I don't think that it is so much because of Papa's death as it is the withdrawal from the higher mileage. This taper seems so extreme from my last training programs. There isn't any apparent purpose to my run, or anything else for that matter. I go through the motions but where is the meaning? I just feel numb.

Posted by Juls at 5:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Scattered best describes my thoughts today. I can't get into work. I don't even want to, except that I am taking tomorrow off so I need to get a lot done today. Normally, it would be a good day for a solo run. A run to sort my thoughts. A run to grieve (again, still?) A run to remember. But, it's taper time, so a run is out of the question.

So why, am I writing about this again?

Tomorrow, my family and I will meet to scatter his ashes. It seems so final and, at the same time, seems long overdue. I had planned to take a handful of ashes to the marathon with me. I was thinking that I would send the remains out into the water near the finish line. My thinking was that he would have been at the finish line if he were still alive. That is not entirely true. If the marathon were local, he would have been there. For my next race, he would have been thinking about me from California, and would patiently wait for my call to report back the results. Never the less, bringing him to the race was symbolic of him being there throughout my life for all the special moments.

He died last September after winning the fight against lymphoma. He died and we never got to say good-bye. We were robbed. After all of the chemotherapy, and the various struggles with his diabetes in relation to his cancer treatment, he took his last breath in a parking lot near the home that I grew up in. It took me by surprise, yesterday, as I took the van full of tired and hungry teens to the nearest Baskin Robins that I knew of. We drove into the parking lot, heading for our ice cream, when it hit me. We were in the parking lot where it had all ended. This was the place where my Mom frantically called out for help as the people kept walking, or insisted that she go into the nearby store to call for help. They could not do it. They couldn't spare any of their off-peak minutes for her to call 911 from their cell phone. Apparently, the people in this part of town don't even have cell phones. I just don't believe it!

Okay, so I am still angry. We got the emergency room report, and I scanned it carefully. His downtime was too great to survive the insult. By the time the paramedics because resuscitation efforts it had been so long that if he had survived it would have been a horrific outcome.

I want him back. I want him to come to BoBo's middle school graduation, and to answer the phone when I call to say that I qualified for Boston. I want to say Happy Father's Day, and thank you for always being there for me, and just I love you. I want to say Good-Bye.

Posted by Juls at 12:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

After 10 miles were done, Mark left me. I popped my earphones on and started my music. Much better. I finished the 12 miles and headed off to get my reward - a Latte with NF milk.

Back at home, the activity was already starting. We had two extra teens in our house ready for me to take them to a skateboarding exhibition. Ugh...I need more coffee (or more running). I reminded them that we would not be leaving for 2.5 more hours! Then the phone rang; one more teenager would be joining the mommy-van on the trek to the event. It's going to be a crazy day.

Posted by Juls at 10:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

At lunch, when I am usually running...
I log onto the Grandma's marathon site, print out the elevation profile and try my best to calculate where I will encounter challenges (hills, whatever). Where will the aid stations be? Will they have GU?

I even print a pace band that I don't intend to wear and highlight where the splits will be taken from the chip, where the aid stations are and the only Cliff-shot to be handed out on the course. I do this just to see it.

In the cafeteria I make small talk with the chef cooking my omelet. As another chef, who knows me by name, comes over and greets me, "Hi Yulee," I see another handful of mushrooms land in the skillet. I smile thinking I don't need those, but I love mushrooms. Later, at my desk, I eat. I obsess over the calories eaten and not burned. Let's see, I really should have eaten a bigger breakfast so this is ?probably? okay.

Oh, the madness. When will it all end?

I count the days until the race. I'm excited...nervous...I can't describe the feeling, but if you are an experienced marathoner then you know the feeling for yourself. The hard work is done. With the pace runs, speed work, cross training, and long runs are all behind me, I have nothing to do but wait for the big day. What else is there to do?

Posted by Juls at 2:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

There was even a point in the run where a tractor was plowing on the trail that I was on. I stopped and waited for him to go the other direction, but he backed up a bit and then continued doing his back and forth thing. I walked up the hillside a bit to be sure that I was clear from his path. He *had* to have seen me. There was no way that you could miss me as I was wearing a bright RED shirt. Humpf! Finally, I'd figured out the issue - I must have been invisible. I ran past the other workers and, of course, was un-noticed.

Then I crossed the street and saw Brenda coming towards me. I yelled out, "Hey." She waved. That was a nice change. She was going a different direction, so we wouldn't run back to the office together...but she did see me and she waved.

I ran further and some guys in a truck also noticed me. They didn't wave, or say anything, but they seemed to be checking me out. Hum? Was it better to be invisible?

Posted by Juls at 6:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)