What did she say?
It was something like, "...we give good masthead."
I can't say that I have ever been the recipient of such service.
I am so excited.

Now, if you are feeling a little bit lost, and worrying about little Julie (Tom's "sweetness and light"), don't worry. Simply click on the first sentence in this post. It is a hyperlink that will connect you to Runner Susan's blog and the post that explains it all.

It's not exactly like winning a beauty contest, but I'm a winner just the same.

Posted by Juls at 6:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

My enthusiasm for YaYa's baseball game was lacking. I wasn't the only one. Huddled in the last bit of shade, we all grumbled throughout the 2-1/2 hour game. It was HOT. Thankfully, our little players did not catch our lack of enthusiasm; they kicked some tooshie. What's more, YaYa got the game ball for, none other than, having enthusiasm and hustling.

Today it was my turn to have enthusiasm and hustle. I rose from my bed a few minutes after 6:00 am and began to dress for my long run. It was going to be another hot day, so I could not afford to sleep in. The boys were forewarned that I would be out. I pulled the shades down in their rooms with the hopes that they would sleep late.

Downstairs, I struggled to find my fuelbelt. I settled for my camelbak (which I cannot tell if it leaks or if it just causes my back to sweat a lot). Today was primitive due to a lack of preparations. I packed water and GU, then I was out the door with a PB & J sandwich. I even skipped my cup of coffee in the interest of saving time and preserving my hydration status.

The run itself consisted of 16 lonely miles. I ran along a trail that I frequently spend my Sunday mornings at, but today was a little different. One by one, I cheerfully waved at other runners, cyclists and walkers. In return, I got blank stares, glares, and a handful of half-hearted waves back. It was pitiful. I guess that I wasn't the only one who skipped coffee today.

*Enthusiasm* people.
Where is the enthusiasm?!

I had completed 12 miles when I passed the park where my van sat waiting for me. The enthusiasm that I had started off with was quickly running out.

I moved along, feeling a little stiffness settling into my body. I began to rationalize cutting my run from 16 miles to 14 miles. Coach had indicated that I should run 14-16 miles. 14 miles was right in the acceptable range.

The thing is, I was already short 4 miles from my weekly mileage - since I never did make up Friday's run. Additionally, *I* had asked to run 16 miles in order to prepare my mind for Quicksilver. I *had* to run the 16 miles.

And that is just what I did.
2:31:05

Posted by Juls at 1:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Yesterday was "Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day." It would have been easy to blow off my six mile run and just kick back in the cafeteria with YaYa during the lunch break. That was not what happened.

Upon the first of three sessions letting out, YaYa and I quickly returned to my office to change our clothes. We grabbed YaYa's bike, helmet and my running gear. We headed outside for my run.

Unfortunately, garminia was unhappy with being rushed. She refused to locate the satellites and, therefore, never reported a pace. Even though I was pretty certain that I was running too fast, I did not slow. I was not confident that YaYa would have enough time to eat a good lunch; he's a slow eater. My final calculations confirmed that I did run way over pace. But YaYa did have plenty of time to eat.

Today was a different story. With a short, 4 mile run, I didn't manage to get it done. I had left my workout bag here at work, had packed up clean running clothes last night, and had put my running shoes in the van this morning. The only issue was that my bag of clean running clothes are still at home. *sigh* At least it is Friday.

Posted by Juls at 2:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I really hadn't paid much attention to our bank statements in the past; Tom did that. In the late hours of the night, as I was spending more time bonding with, I mean "learning," Quicken I discovered a new charge from the gym.

I was pissed - as we evident from my post. This morning, I thought of deleting my ranting post, but then I changed my mind. Yes, I was still mad.

Unfortunately, the kids got a piece of my anger this morning. They weren't guilty of anything but being tired. So everything happened at s-l-o-w speed, when it needed to happen at FAST speed. When I finally arrived at work, I reached for the phone to attempt to direct my anger at a more appropriate victim.

Poor David, at the local Gold's Gym, was the lucky recipient of my anger. It started out gentle, but grew to a full percolation the more he tried to direct me.

- The form had been completed and mailed.
- They had already been told via phone and in person.
- But the charge still happened.

I knew it wasn't David's fault, but I yelled at him anyhow. Instead of brushing me off, he was sympathetic.

I faxed my copy of the form that I had mailed back in March. I was thankful that they had two-part NCR forms. Although Gold's corporate office handles the charges and the termination of contracts, David did follow up on my behalf. David's sense of customer service was GOLDen.

I am again thankful that there are "good" people out there. The world isn't out to get me. It may take some extra phone calls, but it *will* all work out. At least I have to believe that.

Posted by Juls at 10:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Warning: This is another rant.

I don't understand why it is so difficult to get through to some people or companies.

It took several phone calls, using my angry voice, trying to explain to America Online that a dead person does NOT need to have an email account. Furthermore, my husband cannot sign onto the account in order to cancel it because he is, in fact, d-e-a-d.

Now I have noted that Gold's gym has charged another month for membership. Instead of charging the credit card, they charged Tom's bank account. Apparently, the credit card company *did* get the message after my last conversation with them. But the gym must not understand what "deceased" and "cancel" mean. Why else would they charge a dead guy for a gym membership?

It is such a waste of time to go back to everyone and repeat myself. It isn't fun and I'm getting tired out from it all. There is so much more that I need to be doing with my time.

Okay - I feel better now.
Good night and thanks.

Posted by Juls at 10:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

I set the treadmill speed to the slower end of the pace that I was targetting for today's run. Then, I just let my feet keep pace with the moving belt. I could hear the pattern of my steps. Thump, thump, thump, thump...

There wasn't anything special about it. Is there *ever* anything exciting that happens while running on the 'mill? Most often, the answer is NO, but there *was* something different about today's run. I was content; that was different for me. I wasn't wishing that I was outside, impatient that I wasn't going anywhere, or wishing that I was nearly done. I was just running along and happy to stay at with the plan that I had set out to do.

Even more comforting, I was happy to just be any other person running on the treadmill at lunch. There was nobody there watching me and trying to figure out if they should come over to ask how I was. It was a nice change.

Some things seem to be coming together, while other things leave me feeling paralyzed.

YaYa comes home without his homework assignments AGAIN, and I check on BoBo's grades to see them falling even farther down. I feel helpless, even worthless. I hear Tom reminding me, "YOU wanted kids." I didn't want to be doing this all alone. But that *is* what I am doing. I just hope that I can do it right. This is anything but a run on the 'mill.

Posted by Juls at 3:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

When my husband died, I got a little comfort in the coming of my first menstral period. It was a relief to know that I would only be raising BoBo and YaYa without him. I wasn't worried, but 99.9% isn't a guarantee you know. Now, 1 month later, the arrival of period does not bring as much comfort. Instead, it brings pain.

Since yesterday, my back has been aching and my stomach has been cramping. What a pain. My only reprleve was during today's run.

Well, I did get out for a run today. Cindy called me after listening to the message that I left for her yesterday. She was only game for 8 miles, but she graciously watched YaYa while I finished off my final 5 1/2.

The weather turned out to be the best for running. YaYa rode his bike with us and I only got nervous about him a few times after he had ridden too far ahead of us. He also drank nearly all of my Cytomax. Imagine that - he was thirsty too.

Cindy and I ran along noting YaYa's enthusiasm for cycling. He was such a good sport about being with us. I figure that we might have a little triathlete in the making.

Cindy and I also talked about the upcoming races that we each have planned. It was great to have such enthusiastic company on today's run. I also enjoyed the break from my monthly cramping.

Posted by Juls at 3:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

The challenge was to take a picture of ourself upon awakening. I believe the idea was that no sprucing up was allowed - no hair or teeth brushing, no coffee, no make-up, nothing to change your appearance.

It sounded easy enough yesterday, when I first read about it on Runner Susan's blog. Last night, I put my camera on my dresser, next to my bed, so that I would not forget. During the wee hours of the morning, I proceeded to wake up several times.

I took pictures a couple of times during these awakenings in case I wasn't able to return to sleep. But after that rude shock from the flash, there was nothing more to do but close my eyes again. By daylight, I figured that I was truly awake for the day.

I was awake. But, again, I did not want to get up. I took my picture and lay there listening to the rain drops falling. My running clothes were ready and waiting for me on the floor beside my dresser. But, I wasn't happy about going out alone, in the RAIN, for a 14 mile run.... at least not yet.

Back to the "Rise and Shine" challenge: Although the sun was finally shining (somewhat), I wasn't exactly rising. I wondered, was this cheating? Was it cheating to have little YaYa in the photo - sleeping there as sweetly as he does? So, I took another picture of myself after I sat up just to be sure that I was playing the game right.

I looked at the photo and gave it the confirmatory nod. This *is* what I look like when I wake up. No frills. No make-up (not that there ever is), teeth or hair brushing, or coffee. It's just me and my morning thoughts.
What a rude awakening!

I was intent on getting my running done early and therefore minimizing the time that the kids are aware of my absence. It used to be easy to leave the house for my early Sunday runs - that was when Tom was here. I know that BoBo can handle watching YaYa for a couple of hours, but all of the what if''s hold me back.

I have decided to allow myself the time to ease into the day before I head out for my run. It will make the coordinating more difficult as the kids' wants and needs always seem to trump my need to run. I'll have to deal with that later.

Perhaps I'll have to chase YaYa on the bike path for 14 miles. That might actually be okay, but he'll have to slow down and wait for me. The rain has now stopped and the sun is brightening up my outlook.

Posted by Juls at 6:44 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

For each of us, there are the things that help to make us feel safe and secure. For some, it may be the make up which they apply to help them feel the beauty that is already there. For others, it might be the seatbelt that without they are unable to pull out of the parking spot.

I understand the seatbelt more than the first scenario. As an ex-ICU nurse, I have attempted to transfer the need for the seatbelt to my children. It won't be long before BoBo is driving and it is my hope that he will feel naked without being securely strapped in.

But, today, my safety and security is distant for another reason. My ring finger has been stripped of the ring that has resided there form 16 years. As I move about, I feel it's absence intensely as I have been staring at my wedding ring more often in the past few weeks. The solution is not as easy as it might seem.

On Wednesday, which was a scheduled non-running day, I filled my lunch break with a long overdue trip to the jeweler. My intense admiration for my ring made me want to have it cleaned and the setting checked. It wasn't so surprising that the gold, holding the diamonds, had worn down to a compromising point. I vaguely remember being told that it was wearing down during my last trip to the store.

I stood there, on the verge of tears, telling the nice lady that my husband had just died and that I couldn't possibly leave the ring with her for any period of time. She, trying to understand, told me to just be careful not to bang it a lot. I left with my ring in place just as the tears began to stream down my cheeks.

Later that night, I was back in the garage going through the boxes. I've been working hard most nights and weekends sorting out the junk from the treasures. I have yet to find the poem of his that sent me to the garage in the first place, but I have found a lot more.

Anyhow, the more I worked, the more I thought about the ring and what could happen if I were to hit it too hard. So this morning, I took off my ring for repairs. Afterwards, I kept looking at my bare hand.

Suddenly I found myself thinking about those check boxes on the forms that seem to present throughout life. Would I really have to check "single" again? I still feel married; it just so happens that I am married to someone who is no longer alive on earth. *whatever* There is a level of safety and comfort in being married. I guess I will just avoid the forms for a while. I'm not ready for the check boxes until I can reconcile what I am now. I'm not exactly single, but is it a lie to say that I am married? Can I draw in a "widowed" box?

As I sat at YaYa's baseball game, looking at the Fathers and Mothers around me, I hid my left hand. I know that it is strange, but I didn't want anyone to get the wrong idea of why my wedding ring is missing. I shouldn't care, but I do.

Posted by Juls at 1:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

I am proud to report that I survived my first week back to work since Tom's death. It was a strange work-week, where I felt like I wasn't really accomplishing much of anything at all. My greatest moments were when someone asked me if I knew how to fix some formatting issue on MS Word or Excel. It's not much but it is something. My colleagues were appreciative of having an fix for their issue.

The other accomplishment for the week was keeping up with my marathon training. Although my running has proved to be my sanity keeper, making time for running was a little more of a challenge than the actual workouts themselves. Interesting enough, my runs were similar to the energy level of my day.

Monday was long and very emotional. I had skipped my long run on Sunday and found a great release in being able to take some time to log a 12+ mile run. Just as it was good to get back to work, my return to my training schedule was good for me as well.

On Tuesday, I ran with Mark. My run was a short (3 mile) recovery run. The distraction that he provided, asking questions about his Garmin, was good for me. My technology savvy mind provides a wonderful resource for many and Mark is no exception. While he benefited from my knowledge of the technology toys, I also benefited.

Mark acted as a sounding board for my little frustrations. I complained about near strangers hugging me and asking what happened - making me re-awaken the painful story again. I complained about TLC, who had cornered me by the bathroom telling me that she knew "exactly how I felt." Mark said that he didn't know how I felt and that he wasn't about to tell me so. Then he offered his support for whatever I needed and reiterated that many felt the same back at the office. The run helped me recover from day one of work as much as it helped me work off the aches of the long run from the day before.

Thursday was my next run. I opted to do a four mile run on the treadmill. I tried to stay engaged in the run, but it ended up being a run lacking focus. My mind drifted off for bits. When my mind was present for the run, I felt the anger rise to the surface. I would ramp up the speed and run though it for a few minutes. It helped me on a day that was much the same as my day.

Today's six mile run came after an afternoon of rushing around. BoBo had an appointment to check out a swollen eyelid. After discovering that the high school takes *much* longer to release your child, I was morphing from the Mom who always arrives 15 minutes early (as requested) to the Mom who is LATE. From the appointment to the Goodwill truck for another donation drop and then home to call back on the issues of account closures, etc.

With just two hours left until the last possible time to pick up YaYa, I am dropping BoBo at the mall and heading out for my six mile run. It should have been enough time, but throughout the run I kept a watchful eye on the time. The pressing deadline crept into my awareness and, without much effort, I found my pace creeping up as well. I had to put on the breaks often to keep within the schedule pace zone. In the final mile, I just gave into the "gotta go" urge and let myself push hard.

YaYa *was* picked up on time and we came home to begin preparing for a busy weekend. A weekend which, by the way, I am looking forward to very much.

Posted by Juls at 8:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

I'm nearly through my first week back to work. Although I have showed up each day, it doesn't feel like I am "working" yet. I have read through the emails, and begun the catch up reading on my project. In today's three hour training session, the director from my department asked me if I'd be on a task force to help in initiating an upcoming project. As I sat in my fog, I agreed.

Unfortunately, as is generally the case at my company, most the training information, emails and reading are full of acronyms. Many of the acronyms that I am coming across are foreign to me. “CRDM”, “EDS”, “SGL-7”, “QIDS”...SOB, I just can't take this.

Like alphabet soup, each spoonful is just as puzzling as the next. Oh well. The soup of the day (every day this week) is Acronym Soup. I wonder what will be on the menu for next week.

Posted by Juls at 12:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I was dreading my first day back to work. It isn't because of the work; it was more due to facing the people. Emotionally, I was so fragile and I felt so vulnerable all day long. I thought about the boys returning to school almost immediately and wondered if they had it right. At least then, it made sense to cry at any given moment.

The traffic was light as the neighboring school district was on their spring break. I got to work about 30 minutes earlier than expected. I arrived in my office to find a bright yellow miniature rose plant in the center of my bare desk. The first of many tears began flowing.

The morning was challenged by me being locked out of the network, my mouse not working, hundreds of waiting emails, and a required training session that was scheduled at noon. *sigh*

The day passed relatively quickly considering that I wasn't accomplishing much of anything of value. But I was setting myself up for future productivity so all wasn't completely lost. I felt lost, but okay until I came out of the bathroom around 2 pm.

I was leaving as someone that I know, but not well, was coming in. She was surprised to see me and expressed her condolences. I said "Thank you." She continued. Her father had the same kind of cancer, lung. He had surgery but it spread to the brain...six years later. She said that she knew what I was going through.

But I couldn't really have her well-meaning gesture. Instead, I felt uncomfortable and felt trapped between her and the bathroom door. I wanted to cry, but not in front of her. I hardly knew her. It completely unnerved me.

It wasn’t long after this that I asked my boss if I could leave for the day. Then I went running.

Today, it felt like a blessing to have not run the long run that was scheduled for Sunday. The emotions that were perculating in me would take more than a few miles to process. I was sure of that fact.

I made my way to the open space preserve and was soon tackling the hill that had kicked my butt a few weeks ago. It's a hill that I know well as it was Tom and my favorite of all the trails in the park.

I began to climb. Up, up, up I went. All the while I could feel the intense emotions rising to the surface. I ran and sobbed at the same time. I thought of the rock climbing at Alissa's party and my brother-in-law taunting Boston. In my mind I told myself that tackle far more fear than that, but not for Boston. I would indure the pain and work of climbing as high as heaven to have just one more kiss to my forehead and hug from Tom.

I would climb up to heaven, but I would need to have someone to balle me so that I could come back too. I'm not ready to leave earth just yet. There is so much more I've yet to do. But it's one thing to know this, and another to gain the courage to move onward and do it. That's what I must do though. I must go on.

And so, onward I went. One step at a time, I ran up the hill. The sky was clear and blue. The view from the top was breathtaking, reminding me of all that is wonderful right here and now, and also that I am a very capable woman.

I know that each day of this journey will be different. Like climbing the hill, some days it will be easy and other times it will kick my butt. As long as I keep my eye on my goal, and remember the path that I have traveled, I will know that I can achieve what I am after - whatever it may be.

Posted by Juls at 8:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

I didn't want to get out bed. I awoke, remembered the 10-12 mile run that coach had scheduled for me, but still would not budge from my spot. I wasn't tired. I didn't want to do anything at all...not run, not even party.

But it was sweet Alissa's (my niece) Birthday party and the children were all looking forward to a day of rock climbing. Who was I to lay in bed and keep them from their fun? I didn't run, but we did travel to my sister's city for the Birthday Bash.

The party was at an indoor rock climbing place where everyone was fitted with harnesses and the adults learned the balle technique to keep the climbers safe.

I took the task seriously and practice the knot carefully and studied the instruction with all of my attention. Still, I had no idea how much I would be in the situation of doing the balle rather than climbing.

When my sister, Linda, was getting checked off by the instructor on her balle technique, it was my turn on the rocks. I figured that I would go about half of the way up for her to demonstrate her skill. This would allow me to ease into the fear of the height.

Well, so much for assuming anything. You know what they say about when you "ASSume" anything. About the time when I hit my height limit, Carlos, my brother-in-law hollers up to me to keep on going. I politely say that I've gone high enough for my first minute on the wall.

But Carlos doesn't allow quitting. What's more, Carlos knows my button. "That's BOSTON up there, Julie. If you want to get to Boston, you have to go all the way to the top."

Well, I did go to the top of the wall, then and several other times as well. My most memorable time was the first time that I had Carlos balle for me. I climbed up a lot easier, having gone up once before, but on the way down I got a little braver on pushing off of the wall.

My bravery lasted a millisecond, for when I pushed off the wall I felt myself drop farther then I wanted. I glared down at Carlos (after my heart returned from being in my throat) and said, "You DO have me, don't you? I don't want to leave my kids without a parent you know." He laughed, but I never had to say another word. He held me as firmly as I needed from that point on.

I didn't log my long run, but I did get out of bed. With my first day back at work on Monday, there would be a lot more hurdles to overcome.

Posted by Juls at 9:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

There are bookcases filled with Tom's books all over the house. In the garage, more boxes filled with books. Beside the bed, on his dresser, beside the couch - you guessed it - more books.

The books remind me how different Tom and I were from each other. He loved literature and reading of all sorts. The topic didn't matter, or the writing style, Tom loved to read. He had a thirst for knowledge no matter what the topic or how difficult a read the book characterized.

I now read the titles as I scan the bookcases hoping to find some part of Tom that I can latch onto. Some of these books I have read, and others I have not. Some of the books, I will attempt to read, and others I will find a new home for. There are also books that will be saved for the boys to read at some point in their future.

Today, I pull a couple of books from the bookcase in Tom's office. They all seem to have a familiarity to me. Of the two books that I have removed, one if have resisted reading and now feel that I must. The other book I am familiar with the author and am hoping that the book will bring enlightenment.

I have no idea when I will find he time to read at all. Perhaps on nights when I am kept awake by the insomnia of loniness, I will find the time.

As the loads of clean laundry pile up in the living room, and I do everything in my power to ignore it, I might find a little time to read more of these books than the titles. Maybe, I will put a fire in the fireplace, and snuggle up to a book instead. After all, my reading list is filling up, and I find myself completely booked.

Posted by Juls at 11:29 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

With my first day back to work inching up on me, I took in another one of BoBo's baseball games. Today's game was against the school that BoBo would have attended had we not moved when he was in 7th grade. The kids on the opposing JV team were the kids that BoBo played Little League with.

Of course BoBo talked smack to them all week long. He taunted them until...they brought down the four sophmores from the Varsity team to play against us.

Still, BoBo was in all his glory as the stands filled. Their were cheers for him coming from both sides of the field. The boys is well liked even if he talks the talk. We did get killed, but we enjoyed a great game just the same.

Posted by Juls at 10:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

My left shin has been tender this week. On Wednesday morning, I could feel the tenderness as I moved about. I pushed off Wednesday's run until today. As I sat in the Social Security Office, again, I absent-mindedly began to palpate my lower leg. With very little exploration, I located the spot of issue. I massaged it as I sat waiting.

As I drove to the DMV, I thought that it would be a good idea to take some Ibuprofen and to ice the area. By the time I hit home again, however, the thought was clean out of my awareness.

After driving DD to the airport, my window for running manifested. I hesitated, thinking of the tender shin and then figured I'd run on dirt as much as possible and ice my leg after my run.

The run went well as long as I was on the dirt. I was running on pavement again after the first two miles were completed. I'd traveled a 1/4 mile further by the time I decided that I could not prolong the risk of injury any longer. I turned back.

Did I ice my tender shin? No.
Did I take any ibuprofen for the swelling? No.
Did I even look at the total mileage for the running shoes that I'd been wearing unil the onset of this "tenderness" (nothing more)? No.

I did, however, change back to my Adrenaline road shoes for the run. These are a pair of shoes that I know have traveled less than 300 miles wearing. I didn't even check the log; I just did it.

I know that most runners can log 400-500 miles in the same pair of shoes. It is not that way with me. It's like clockwork for me; my shoes are great until I near 300. After that point, my shins begin to complain and I need to replace my shoes in a hurry to avoid big issues.

Later, when I finally did check, I discovered that my Adidas, now, not so SuperNova's have exceeded the 300 mile limit. So it looks like a new pair of running shoes will enter into the budget soon, and the Adidas will be trashed (or rather added to the donation pile).

Posted by Juls at 4:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I had a little internet withdrawal, but all is back online again. Thanks for your patience. Please note: the following posts were just posted and back dated to when I wrote them.

Posted by Juls at 8:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

It’s now just the kids (DD included) and me. Each day I become more aware of this and my way of looking at life changes because of it. It is important to determine what really matters and what does not. It seems that lately my priorities are constantly being re-evaluated.

So many things matter a lot. Take feelings, mine for instance, they matter. During this vacation, a little too much laziness and too little respect have challenged me. A few more running miles might have helped me cope better.

After a couple of hours of pre-cleaning (in preparation for tomorrow’s departure), I had no tolerance for BoBo imposing his teenager expectations on YaYa yet again. I know that YaYa is no saint and that the conflicts are not always BoBo’s fault. But this episode, was certainly all BoBo’s doing.

In my frustration, my words may have been stronger than necessary. I was already tearful when BoBo, realizing his nobody-else-matters attitude, came over ask if I was okay. I told him exactly what I was thinking.

“I’m NOT okay. I’m sad, very sad. I’m overwhelmed with the idea of having to raise two boys all by myself. I’m angry that BoBo hasn’t been helping around the house. I’m tired and I’m not even back to work yet. AND, I can’t do it all.”

The kids mean everything to me. They are all I have left of Tom. But I also need to take care of my own needs. Everyone picks and chooses their priorities. It is after the priorities have been met, when nothing else matters. Until then, I will carry on.

Posted by Juls at 9:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

I don’t ever want to forget this feeling of love for Tom that I am currently feeling. It’s not that I forgot how much I loved him. It’s just that so often it got hidden beneath the pressures of life. Kids, marriage, career, house, friendships, running and goal chasing are just a few of my distractions. Each distraction has an overabundance of sub-categories that are fully equipped with tasks—further distracting me. It happens to all of us. It will happen to you if you let it. Don’t let it.

It wasn’t that I didn’t know that I loved Tom, or that he loved me. It just hasn’t felt this intense for a long time. The “better” and “worse”, “richer” and “poorer” have co-existed with this love. Perhaps, I took it for granted. Perhaps we all did.

Now, the awareness of just how deep and strong that love actually was, is coupled with a mixed bag of emotions. I’m happy and sad, full and empty, confident and insecure all at the same time.

Each time that the kids do something where Tom would have exploded with anger, I miss the parenting help and, at the same time, am relieved that we are pardoned from the negativity that came with those outbursts. Every time the kids do something cute or otherwise wonderful, I wish Tom were around to smile or laugh with, saying “Thanks creating these wonderful creatures with me. Aren’t they great?!”

Here I sit, basking in the heat of the Sonoma sun like a teenage girl. The view is spectacular and the pool is inviting. I look around and can only see Tom lying on the deck burning his Irish skin, or in the pool holding baby YaYa. Their eyes are as blue and inviting as the pool water.

Good grief; I do miss him.

Posted by Juls at 10:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I had my reservations about running down the winding road. The solution was to ride to town with the boys, and then run along the bike trail as the rest of the family took in the sights.

At first the bike trail seemed like a great way to get my 8-10 mile run completed. By the time I had traveled the first mile, I’d crossed several streets already. Still, I was avoiding the cars and the path was different.

I wasn’t even two miles into my run when the path ended abruptly at a park. The Dads lined the soccer field cheering on their boys. At the playground, more Dads pushed their little girls on the swings. It was hard not to think about Tom.

I spotted a dirt path behind the playground. I ventured onto a maze of short trails that wove around the back of the park. I watched the GPS for a good distance to turn back, but found that I had to loop around the park several times just to click off a mile. I turned back towards town as the GPS read 5 miles.

I called the gang when I hit town. They were still in town and were just heading to get a bite to eat. Whew. I only needed to run 4 more miles to reach my goal distance for the day. I did NOT want to run up the hill towards the house.

I took the trail in the other direction. After I had gone a half-mile, however, my phone rang. DD said that they couldn’t find a good place to eat so they were heading back to the house without me. That meant that I would have to run up the hill to get my miles in.

I watched the family go by in my van as I approached the main road. I began plodding up the hill. My heart rate was climbing and my breathing was rapid. I knew, within minutes, that the hill was too tough for me to take. I got on the phone and called for my ride.

I won’t chalk it up to failure. After all, I did run. It wasn’t long enough to log a 10 mile run, but it was close enough.

Posted by Juls at 3:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I had plans to rise early and hit the pavement for a 10 mile run. When the sun came up, I was captivated by a dream instead.

In my dream, Tom was up and walking. He stumbled around and before long we were in a car with YaYa driving. Tom was giving YaYa directions; it was if he was teaching YaYa to drive. Upon arriving at the intended destination, I waited outside of the university as Tom went inside to take care of business. Nervously, I looked around, hoping that nobody I knew would see me there with my supposedly dead husband. I must be crazy because here he was walking and talking and yet, I had a funeral for him. How embarrassing.

We continued a few more houses and I settled him in the bedroom that I grew up in. I was rummaging through a box marked medicines, only to find batteries and other electronic trinkets. “Julie,” Tom said. My gaze moved from the box, to his eyes, to his mouth. “I l-o-v-e YOU.”

My attention was being pulled from my dream as YaYa began to stir in the bed beside me. “Please, don’t wake up now YaYa,” I thought. I tried to keep focused on the dream.

From in the kitchen, where I was breaking curtains that hung from the middle of the room, I heard a package drop on the front step. I opened the door to find a package from my big sister. Inside were a few 8x10 photos. The package was marked “photos: hand stamp only” but inside the pictures were folded in half.

Then I heard a knock on the door that leads from the house to the garage. It was our friend, John F. I let him inside and we walked down the hall as I said, “You are NOT going to believe what I am going to show you.” I opened the door to the bedroom. John looked at Tom and then back to me. He smiled and then went to lie down next to Tom in the bed. They giggled like young boys opening their Easter baskets…then Tom turned toward John and bit off his beard as if John was merely a marshmallow rabbit.

I was diverted from my dream as YaYa said, “Hi Mom.” Huh? After a short conversation, I tried to return to the dream but there was no going back to world where Tom rose from the dead, and told me that he loved me, and later was a young boy again delighting in his Easter treasures.

Posted by Juls at 8:58 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

The lovely view of the hillside could be seen as we drove along the winding road. Between the fear of the steep assent of the road, and the hope of the beautiful retreat at the top of the hill, I moved onward. I’ve been tense today. All morning, I have been on the verge of an adult temper tantrum. I’ve been bitching and complaining because things just weren’t going my way. I couldn’t cope.

I drove here desperately trying to escape from the routine and from the oncoming responsibility that surrounds my returning to work. It seems like I am barely handling the duties that I currently have. The laundry has still been piling up, and I work hard to keep the house picked up. I am afraid of what it will be like as I try to add working fulltime to the mix.

The misleading directions that I printed from yahoo maps made the trip intense. Tom has always kept me from freaking out on these trips where the directions don’t match reality. It seems that everything that I do reminds me of him in one way or another. The directions had one turn (an added highway) too many, and one critical turn (an exit off of the highway) left out. These, seemingly minor, details worked to prolong our arrival. But the house finally came into view.

I relaxed and just took in the shrill sound of excitement as the kids shot out of the van and raced towards the backyard. The view was incredible. In no time, I was methodically skimming leaves from the surface of the pool while the boys gathered up enough courage to plunge into the unheated water.

I enjoyed watching them taunt each other with name-calling and dares. Gasps of shock, screams and laughter filled the air, rewarding me for pushing past the negativity of the morning.

Although we were all starving, it would be several hours before we ventured the winding road to town. In the meantime, we had cookies and brownies to hold us over.

Posted by Juls at 12:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

We don't do parties. I've been convinced that I just don't do them well, so why bother. But Tom's life celebration came out so nice. Although the success of the party was not at all on my part, I some how felt brave enough to allow BoBo to invite fifteen teenagers over for a party at our house.

It began with the boys playing basketball in the street and the girls all lined up along the front lawn watching. Five pizzas arrived, but only two were eaten up. It seemed like the party was off to a slow start.

Before we knew it, we were all in the middle of a boys vs. girls (+ DD) basketball game. The best part was that the boys had to follow the rules and the girls were free to cheat all they wanted. It was a lot of fun for those of us girls who were actually playing. This was basically Chelsea, Ally, DD and me from the girls team vs. all of the boys.

Later, the gang made their way to the backyard porch and then to the family room. They played guitar, CDs, hide and go seek, a brain game on YaYa's Nintendo DS, and ate cake. It was a pleasure to watch.

It's not over either. Through the heater vents I hear the laughter of BoBo and the remaining two boys.

Posted by Juls at 10:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

I've needed my runs more and more. In some ways, my emotional state is getting better, and in other ways it is getting much harder to get through the days than in the beginning. But in general, my runs have been going well. It's the finishes that have been tough. Today was no exception.

I ran along, thinking of the day and the importance that it has had for Tom and I for the past 21 years. "Good Friday" marks the date when Tom and I first kissed. In many ways, Good Friday has been more of an anniversary for us than our wedding anniversary.

This day couldn't come and go without my remembering what made it special for the past 21 years. LOVE. I ran along thinking of that day on the beach and the uneasy feeling that precedes that first kiss. This was the beginning of the good memories. As I finished off the run, I remembered the last kiss. It's hard to believe that his life is over.

Posted by Juls at 2:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

My emotions are back in check today. I am certain that it has a lot to do with me running today. It's amazing what good run does for me. Since I've returned to regular running, I haven't needed to take any sleeping pills either. Hopefully, my writing that down won't jinx it.

When I am running, life is normal - well, almost normal.

Today, I took hisPod out for trip around the neighborhood. Five miles were planned and I was ready to quicken my heartrate, and allow my legs to really move. I clicked through my playlist to find the "Drive: Nike+ Original Run (Crystal Method)." With a little click, I was on the road driving just like the cars. At times, I was even faster than the cars. *giggle* Some of the retired folks can move pretty slow around here.

I finished my run strong. Sprinting down the street, I caught the attention of my neighbor. He nearly fell off his ladder as I went past.

The burst in speed ignited a burst of emotion. I released a few tears as I caught my breath while walking down the block. By the time I returned to the house, my neighbor says "What was that? Are you trying to make me feel guilty for my limited activity?" I laughed.

Al is one of those retired folks that does not sit still for long. Tom and I loved to needle him for his perfectly quaffed hedges if a leaf or two was out of place. He doesn't drive slow either. It is *Al* that turns heads when he is the one zooming down our street - in his red Ferarri. Here he was wiping down his gutters on his newly painted and re-roofed house.

Talk about making someone look bad. After our 30 minute chat, I found myself hosing and wiping down the front door, the step and the front windows. I even did the window screens and sliding glass doors in the back. It's funny what will drive you into action. A little music, or a neighbor with a keen eye and a lot of time on his hands.

Posted by Juls at 10:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Today was a far different day from yesterday. If you were to examine my ability to get done the things that I planned to do today, you would say that all was well. So it would seem. My appointment went well with the Social Security office, and I mailed our 2006 taxes. I might add that this is the first time in several years that we haven't filed an extension (thanks to my sister-in-law, Mary). I even sorted through our files and threw out the tax returns that were older than 7 years. I went clear back to 1994.

Pretty much all went as well as could be expected. The only issue was that I was an emotional basket case from about lunchtime onward.

I had the post-cry headache raging by the time I picked up the kids from school. So, with McDonalds on the way, I stopped by the store for broccoli salad and a bottle of Merlot.

Oh, and did I mention that I also picked up Tom's remains at the mortuary today? The family was together again for another gourmet meal. Not. I whined and dined with my McDonald's hamburger, fries, broccoli salad and a glass of merlot.

Posted by Juls at 7:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

As I try to discover "normal," in my newly-evolved life, it seems only natural to resume my quest for Boston Qualification (BQ). For those who new Tom, and perhaps have not known me for any period of time, it may sound strange that I am already to the point of persuing my goals again. I won't begin to think that I could ever explain so that you might understand the importance that running has played in my life; you'll just have to take my word for it.

Tom was still in the hospital, and we were still trying to wrap our heads around the idea of how our lives were to change in the future. My training as a nurse provided a little too much information than we really wanted to examine. Cancer that had already spread to his brain *had* to be a fight that realistically could not be beat. We guessed that he might have about 6 months left on earth with us.

Tom did not want to undergo the suffering of chemotherapy if it only yielded a few months extension of his life. He wanted to try to continue on as long as the disease would let him and create some more fun memories with the kids and myself. In the interim, we had much to discuss.

One night, he sat with the kids to explain the results of tests that confirmed our fears. At that time, we were told that he might have "a little less than 1 year" to live. As to the quality of that year, we were unsure, but he planned to undergo the palliative treatments with the hopes that he could retain some normalcy for a longer period of time.

Through the tears, Tom told the kids that he was going to be dying, that he loved them. He said that he wanted us to continue our lives with more dedication to our relationships with eachother and our goals than ever before. To the kids' relationship as brothers, he reminded them that they would always have each other and stressed that it was important to stay close. He asked that the kids continue their sports (football, baseball, etc) and to support my need to run as well. He stressed the importance, "If your Mom doesn't get her run, she will be a b!tch." I didn't try to correct him; he was right.

It was running that brought Tom and I together in the first place. Actually, it was Tom's lack of understanding that running fitness is different than cycling fitness, but the mistake worked out just fine for us.

We'd worked together in the grocery store for a few years. While I was training for my first half-marathon, Tom was taking up cycling. He'd invited me to join him on a bike ride since I "had to be in good shape" with all of that running that I was doing.

I *was* in good shape, but a lot of good that did me; he left me in the dust. When I finally caught up to him (after he stopped), the beginning of many fun memories began.

Through the years we've run together and apart. He's left me in the dust on many a bike ride, and I have left him in the dust on many a run. He's cheered me on in my marathons, helped me pick my races, and even given me his perspective on what I need to do in order to BQ. Even through his sickness, as I lost weight in caring (and worrying) for him, he said that he was contributing to my BQ goal.

So, I know that he will be proud of me when he looks down and sees me running again. He'll be in Chicago, hovering near his family, at that finish line (in spirit) when I finish another marathon - and with any luck, and a lot of hard work, he'll be heading to Boston with me in April 2008.

Posted by Juls at 10:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

Today was one of those days where I just didn't seem to have it together. I told myself that I was fine. I even wondered if I should have gone back to work this week instead of taking the extra time off. You see, BoBo had asked what do I do all day, and it just didn't sound like I was doing enough. I wrote out a lot of thank you cards, and also wrote down 22 more names of thank cards that needed to be sent. I called on Tom's 401K from the company that laid him off many years ago (*that* was a turning point for him in terms of financial security). I was told to call his old employer...who told me to call back Fidelity...who told me to call the old employer. It just doesn't seem like I am actually accomplishing much - if anything at all.

Still, I keep telling people, who ask how I am doing, that I am "fine." I then began to wonder about my being "fine" when I showed up at the Social Security office 24 hours prior to my appointment. Come to find out, my appointment for tomorrow (rather than today) is actually a *phone* appointment. I could very well have screwed up on Wednesday too, had I not found this out. I suppose that I could take credit for finding out this information on time even though it seems like I should have had it clear from the beginning. Now, is that a product of how I am now, or how I was when I made the initial call to the SS office?

Later on in the day, I showed up at BoBo's baseball game, glanced at the field and determined that the players looked too big to be the Frosh-Soph team. I didn't walk far enough in to examine the dugout. I would have seen BoBo if I had done that. Instead I made the leap that I was at the wrong field. I made a phone call and was told that the game was at another school.

I went to the other school, watched for a 1/2 inning when I discovered that the guys in the white jerseys weren't our team. The other team on the field was in red. This was very puzzling because BoBo doesn't have a red jersey. I looked around and saw familiar parents (not that I have been to enough games to know our team parents).

A minute later, BoBo's football coach came over and sat down beside me. He asked me how I was doing and I replied fine. I still thought that I was. Then he said, "This is the varsity game, Julie." I tried to recover by saying that I heard that the nachos were good here, and took a bite of YaYa's nachos.

There just was no recovering. I guess sometimes it seems like all is well when it is just a facade. What-EVER. It is actually just good ol' Julie (without her Outlook Calendar or PDA) in action. Oh well, at least I got to run today. Something good had to come out of it.

There are other things that are coming out all right besides running. I cooked dinner tonight for the first time a quite a while. People have been dropping by meals for about a month now. Even though they aren't coming every night, the portions are large enough to feed a small army. But tonight I was determined that I would not serve leftovers again. Even after getting home later due to the baseball game, we ate at a decent time.

After dinner, as I was trying to fold the three loads of clean laundry that had piled up, YaYa came into the room crying. He was sad about his Dad. He just couldn't do his homework. We talked for a minute and then I suggested that he make a picture. We got out his water color paints, some Q-tips, and art paper. He painted a bike in memory of Tom.

I asked if he wanted to paint sadness but he said that he didn't know how. I painted an eye with a tear falling from it. YaYa joined in on the painting, and then he painted a cookie. He cried up a storm thinking of how much pleasure Tom seemed to have in eating fresh baked chocolate chip cookies while he was sick.

After that, I helped YaYa get half way through his homework. Half done was enough for me. I think his teacher will understand too.

It's not very much, but it is a little success and I'm taking credit for it. Before long I *will* be back at work, and who knows what time I'll have dinner on the table or if I'll be able think about good ways to work through the pain.

Posted by Juls at 7:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

We were lying down, trying to get to sleep when YaYa quietly said, "We should pray some time." I hopped out of bed and fell to my knees. "That is a great idea, YaYa. Let's do it right now."

Tom had always kept the idea of praying light. "It's just talking to God, that's all it is." he'd say. And that is just what we did. I began with the Our Father. YaYa repeated each line after me. It seemed strange that I had never thought to teach it to him before. He's heard it, but never learned it. Then began our short talk with God.

My prayer was short with only a few requests.

- Take care of Tom (Dad).
- Watch over us.
- Help us to know what to do.
- Keep our love strong.
- Bless those who have Cancer and help them to find a cure so that they won't die too.

Then we both climbed back into bed and went to sleep.

Posted by Juls at 9:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

We had grand plans for a family bike ride on the trail. Tom used to take YaYa on the trail a lot. It was a special thing with them to ride the 6 miles to the next town, stop for pizza, and then ride back to the start. They would race (sort of) and YaYa would take pride in winning the race and then bragging on his blog.

It was a great plan that began falling apart early this morning. I don't know why I was surprised that BoBo didn't want to play. Typical for his teen age, family time (especially where cycling is concerned) is not high on his list. It certainly isn't higher than hanging out with his friends.

When 1 pm arrived, DD and I gave in and made a few adjustments. While I drove BoBo to our old neighborhood, DD and YaYa went to the bike trail to do the ride together. Prior to use backing out of the driveway, BoBo gave YaYa instructions to kick DD's tushie in the race.

After dropping BoBo off, I drove to the same trail for a run. I went out 4 miles and turned back towards the van. I figured that YaYa and DD would have passed me before I hit the starting point . They were nowhere around, however. I continued past the park and headed out in the opposite direction for 1 more mile. By the time I was finishing my final mile, they'd just finished eating.

So they got to the park ahead of me, rode a total of 12 miles on their bicycles, and ate in town. I ran 10 miles on foot and still beat them. Woo-hoo! Perhaps my running isn't as bad as I thought. It certainly felt okay today.

Posted by Juls at 11:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (11)