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June 30, 2007

All Pau!

I was the first to awaken and am now the last to fall asleep. I am tired from a full day, yet my mind is enjoying the quiet.

I ran 4 miles on the winding country road. I can now see why Janice says that it is *not* the "good running" that the non-running members of the family say that it is. There is no shoulder to the road, blind curves, and a steep grade. I ran and enjoyed the beauty anyhow. Two miles downhill followed by two miles uphill.

I am very much aware that this trip will not be like any other Hawaiian vacation. We filled our day with shooting a bow & arrow. BoBo was pretty awesome at this. YaYa did better than expected and I was surprised at how hard you have to pull back on the bow to get the arrow to fly.

The boys caught a cameleon and watched it change colors before their eyes. We kept it long enough to take a few pictures. We also fed the sheep and goats.

Finally, drove down the hill for some beach time. BoBo taught YaYa to boogie board. YaYa was doing pretty well until the offending wave tumbled YaYa and board into the ocean floor. (The waves were breaking pretty close to shore). He now sports a sand-burned cheek and an abrasion to his eyelid.

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All that comprised a fun-filled and very full day. All Pau! (All done)


Wake up call

It's 5:30 am on Saturday morning. The sun and birds have awakened me. It's not a bad way to be awakened if you ask me. Yet, as lovely as the view is, my mind is troubled. As I see what remains of the fires on the Olowalu of the island, I think of the horrific accident that we witnessed while out hiking yesterday. It was a wake up call for all of us.

Mike (Tom's brother), BoBo, YaYa, Rusty (the dog) and I were out hiking in the man-made forest at Olinda Park. There were some old (lavascape) caves that Mike had found when he first moved to the island. He thought the boys would like to explore them.

It was a little over a mile from the road before we hit the single-track portion of the hike. It wasn't difficult but I kept a close eye on YaYa. There were roots and loose rocks along the way. As we made our way down, we could hear cries that sounded like they were from a young girl. It didn't sound like she was hurt; it sounded like the whiny, tired, someone is bugging me sort of cries.

When we arrived at the bottom of the gulch we found what appeared to be two families. There was a couple with a boy about 3 years old. They left soon after we arrived, leaving us with a blonde women and four kids.

The red head and the dark-haired boys were older than YaYa and younger than BoBo. They wore matching shirts from the private school in town. The other two children were younger and both blonde like the women.

The girl was the crier. She was about 5-6 years old and was the recipient of women's constant urging her to enter the caves with the boys. The woman's tone would go from yelling, to condescending, to gentle, and back at ease. It didn't take long for it to grate on my nerves.

I wanted out of there but I didn't want to ruin the boys fun. I also didn't want to let them out of my sight. While the caves were cool, they were also high up the rocky gulch and they made me nervous.

Before I had reached my limit, the youngest in the group had hooked up with BoBo and YaYa and was eagerly giving them the lay of the land. He was about 3-4 years old and was happy for a little attention. He had a flashlight and YaYa was comforted by both his knowledge of the caves and the light.

We explored the first two caves, found the third to small for us to enter and began contemplating our exit. There were two other caves visible on the opposite side of the gulch. One of the older two boys was eager to show us the way. Before I knew it, BoBo and him were on their way over the rocks to explore it. Mike, YaYa and I followed behind.

We reached the first of the two caves where the boy was explaining to BoBo that he should remove his shoes and socks. It was wet and muddy inside. BoBo, quick to do as he was told, was off into the cave before YaYa could get his first shoe off. Left alone with the mud and darkness, YaYa did not want to go alone, and his Mom already had her fill of caves for the day.

When BoBo and the boy returned, I said that we were done exploring caves. YaYa was very unhappy at having missed out on the cave but I had enough of the yelling and crying. My head was spinning and I couldn't take anymore.

At that point, the youngest arrived (flashlight in hand) and went to the unexplored cave. YaYa was now protesting our leaving. He wanted to go with the boy, where there was light and an unexplored cave. But I said no and turned as YaYa put his shoes and socks back on. BoBo and Mike were ahead of me and ready to go.

Then it happened...

As turned back to check on YaYa, the boys began to slip. He slid down the side of the wall, past the roots and braches and then fell about 25 feet to the rocky bottom. I couldn't see him land from where I was standing and was afraid that I'd find him with his head busted into pieces.

I told YaYa not to move, and felt better about leaving him when BoBo started in his direction. Then I continued down towards the boy. Mike had already arrived at his side and the boy was sitting up crying when he came into view. They woman was now making her way, with the girl crying ahead of her.

I decided that I was most helpful if I could relieve the woman of the girl and allow her to get to him more quickly. But, to my surprise, she didn't appear to be as concerned as anyone in my family was. When we all arrived at the boy's side, his nose was bleeding but he was awake and alert. He only complained that his head hurt. And when I told the woman that he needed to go to the hospital urgently, she dismissed it.

The woman remained unconcerned. We offered to help carry the boy out to the road, to which the woman initially refused. Within seconds of Mike walking away, and the rest of the children becoming frantic, the woman changed her mind.

It wasn't a long hike, but it felt like eternity. We took turns carrying the boy as we climbed out and all the while the woman brought up the rear. If the girl was slowing her down, I relieved her of that again. I offered to give the girl a piggie back ride and still the woman walked as slow as molasses. Then when we hit the easier part of the trail, I watched as the boy began to fade.

I dropped back to the woman and asked her if she was scared. She said that she wasn't, and I told her that she should be. I painted a frightening picture of what "could" be happening - why the boy was getting sleepy. She remained calm. I asked her if she was planning to take the boy to the ER. She said "yes."

But when we loaded the boy into the car, we watched her drive in the opposite direction of the hospital. We drove towards home and, as our cell reception was restored, I called 911 and reported the indident (and her license plate) to the police.

We were all horrified by the accident, but even more horrified that any human would have so little disregard for life. Life is precious, and it can be lost in just an instant. I shudder at the thought that it could have just as easily been one of my sons. We had no business being at those caves and neither did anyone else.

June 29, 2007

Getting away from it ALL

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The old country road took turns past the sugar cane and pineapple fields. We climbed up the mountain to far, far away from tourist filled areas of the island. High on the hill near the cows, goats, donkeys, and chickens sat our home for the next eight days.

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We were indeed getting away from it all.

- No internet.
- No landline.
- No stores.
- No neighbors.

At 7,000 feet elevation you can see pretty darn far. It was only another 3,000 feet to the summit of Haleakala (Maui’s 10,000 foot volcano) but I wasn't keep on making the trip to the tourist filled location. I was content to just hang out with the family.

Look at the view; who wouldn't be content?

All Aboard

Cheery music plays overhead as I sit in my seat. My seatbelt is fastened and all three of us are seated together - thanks to persistence and waiting in a third line. On board the flight attendants scurry up and down the isles. YaYa helps to set the mood for the trip with his blue and white flowered shirt.

It will be a long trip. We have YaYa's stuffed Beary, card games and books to help occupy the time. We will be traveling into a new time zone. We will be arriving after many hours of travel, yet the clock will have hardly moved. As if time was suspended, we will be left with a full day to discover our new paradise.

June 28, 2007

Losing my mind and other items

I felt like I was certainly losing my mind (in addition to various other items). Every time I discover that I have lost/misplaced another item I feel that I, myself, am "lost." I ask, What has happened to ME?, and wonder when I will finally have it together again. I so want to function normally again.

Today's critical, yet lost, item was my sunglasses. Take it from me, sunglasses are a widow's friend. These particular glasses replace the ones that broke on Sunday. I purchased them just in time for yesterday's funeral.

As I drove around town, dropping off Lucky at the kennel first and then trying to orient myself enough to drop BoBo in the old neighborhood, I got more and more turned around. I was LOST. I began to cry and there were no sunglasses to hide the tears. BoBo reached over and put his hand on my shoulder.

Somehow, I managed to get to work. I felt overwhelmed with the task at hand. My project needed to be in ship-shape for the hand-off. Although I didn't have much hope of running at lunch, I had my bag in the van just in case. I wasn't sure how I would get my work done before the day was finished let alone a run. I *would* manage; I was confident of that. Knowing that when I left the office today, I would not be back for over a week was motivation enough.

Back at home, the suitcases sit half-filled. Our vacation hasn't seemed real amid Father's Day, Camp Kesem, and Tom's Birthday. We've just been crossing off days on the calendar without any bit of excitement. Now that it is finally here, I am content to be a little overwhelmed at work. I am looking forward to relaxing again and seeing smiles on my son's faces. I am looking forward to seeing Tom's oldest brother again too.

I entertained the idea of bringing my computer with me. After much though I have decided to leave it at home. I will write my posts out on paper and post them when I return.

Meanwhile, I leave you wondering...
- Where has Juls gone?
- How and what is she doing?
- What items has she been losing?
- Is she running?

You probably guessed by now that I *did* finish up my work. I was even able to leave work early and do a long run at my favorite open space preserve. I am now feeling a little more grounded and ready for our trip. AND I found my sunglasses too.

Have a great 4th of July week everyone.

** For those of you who already know where our adventure will take us, please keep the secret. **

June 27, 2007

Crawling out from under

I was doing well until I hit the freeway exit. My eyes began to well up as the familiar sadness hit yet again. I'd wear my sunglasses as long as I could. I'd do my best to hold it together and be strong. Today, the sadness was different. I pulled into the church parking lot, pulled myself together and joined the crowd.

The hearse arrived, followed by the limousine. We all cried as she, and his family, got out of the limousine. Today it wasn't about me as much as it was about her. I tried to keep that in mind as each familiar person asked me how I was doing.

We are both too young to be widows, but nobody asked for my opinion on this topic. It wasn't important I guess. As I listened to the mass, I tried to take in the words of the priest. I sifted through the various messages for some golden nugget of wisdom.

Afterwards, I sifted through the caverns of my own heart to find a little more hope and courage. I am crawling (however slowly) out from under the rubble to the life that remains. I will help pull her out too - when she is ready.

June 26, 2007

400 x 8

With an interval workout on my schedule today, I set off for a 2 mile warm up. While running down the sidewalks I paid special attention to my left ankle. Having twisted it while out on the trails on Sunday, I was a little leery of the stiff, tender feel that lingers. I planned to stay within walking distance of home at all times in case I needed to drop the run all together.

Within the first half-mile the stiffness was resolving, but after 1 mile I was feeling a pressure from the lateral edge of my shoe insert. I continued on moving at a very easy pace, passing the house on from the other side street. By the time I reached the local track the pressure had gone away. I stretched a little and then moved to the inside lane to begin the real "work" portion of my run.

Coach had prescribed 400m repeats with 200m recoveries. I was to run eight of these cycles before hitting the road again.

The first 400 was harsh. I was breathing hard throughout and even grunted in the final turn. With 1:47 in my head as a target, I was relieved that I had overshot it when I glanced at the interval time. I tried controlling the pace better on the next 400. I was pretty close to my target and happy to be able to ease up a little more. When I finally achieved my target I was feeling pretty good. Challenged but good.

Little did I know that my "target" was not as fast as Coach had prescribed. He had asked me to do them in 1:40-1:45. All in all, I think that my intervals were run at a good pace for today given the uncertainty of my ankle.

Here are my interval times:

400m - 0:01:34
400m - 0:01:43
400m - 0:01:47
400m - 0:01:49
400m - 0:01:47
400m - 0:01:44
400m - 0:01:49
400m - 0:01:49
400m - 0:01:47

June 24, 2007

All that Remains

On a clear night
the moon shines bright.
It lights the way
to the perfect place.

Wading through loss
to find hope,
as ocean waves,
soak shoes and chill toes.

Dancing with the sand,
the grey ash
catches a wave,
as the final ride begins.

A single rose,
rides along
for as long as it can.
Eventually, even it will be cut loose.

From today on,
all that remains,
are the memories.

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June 23, 2007

more yearning

The sun is shining, and the birds are singing. It is looking to be a beautiful day. I had this in my awareness, yet I lay in bed wondering what reason I had to get up. My bladder was full but I found that, if I lay still enough, it wasn't really a compelling reason to get out of bed.

As I lay there, I thought of the activities of the day. There is a Summer Solstice gathering of Tom and my mutual friends. I have not had much contact with them in the past few months - an occasional email from one or two of them, nothing more. I am still contemplating making the drive. Seeing as how Tom died on the first day of Spring, I should be happy to celebrate the coming of a new season. But I wonder what emptiness the new season will hold. I wonder what extent of numbness I will experience as I try to mingle at the event.

Now, before you comment, please know that I have been reading and talking about the process of grief. I am not alone in my apathy. It is normal to feel and act this way.

Is it only coincidence that the roses on my table are a near match to those on the cover of the book, A Grief Observed? I bought the book yesterday and wasn't surprised to see the familiar image. In fact, it was comforting in an odd way, as are the words C.S. Lewis uses to describe his own survival of "the mad midnight moments." The book is thin and while the writing a raw, unpolished, and even hard to follow at times, I realize that I am only observing a fraction of of it. My mind drifts off to someplace else as I am reading. I imagine that I will read it over and over.

I think about my assigned run. Coach was kind enough to replace my rest day with a three mile run. It hardly seems worth the effort of changing my clothes though. I wonder if I can do my long run instead. Tomorrow will be a busier day. Tomorrow I will see my kids once more. Even better, I will be able to have them home with me again. I've missed them tremendously.

On top of reuniting with the boys, tomorrow holds the significance of being Tom's Birthday. It would have been his 50th birthday and he was making grand plans for a bicycle trip down the coast to the southern part of California. I am saddened that he was not able to make the trip one final time before he died.

I thought that I might visit the Catholic Church in honor of Tom. It was what he did on the Birthdays, as well as anniversaries of his own parents' deaths. I never knew if it brought him comfort or if he just did it because it was what his parents had asked for. I figure I will find out.

It is not that I believe any less (or more) in God than I did before. I am praying more now than ever before. Among other things I pray for Tom, that everything that our parents taught us about death and the afterlife is true. I pray for the kids and myself, that we will find a new happiness in time and that we will be able to continue our lives without further aftershocks of the earthquake of Tom's death. I pray that I will be able to make enough money to pay for the house that we live in, to make the house payment that was built for two, and not subject the kids to the loss of their friends too.

There is so much to consider, to worry about. I suppose the apathy that I have been allowed to experience this week was just a reprieve from all the worry and responsibility. In some ways, this was my own experience of "bereavement camp." Maybe the emotional intensity that I have been experiencing was good in some way.

I can begin to feel the return of the pressures of life. I look around me at a house that had been immaculate since the boys have left. It is a product of lifelessness rather than my attention. It has been more of a "house" than a home this week. I am looking forward to the return of signs of life.

Our empty refrigerator is just a symptom of where I haven't been (at least mentally). I have allowed my refrigerator to become so empty while the kids were away that I had only enough milk for a cappuccino (rather than my routine latte). It is not that I wasn't aware that they milk was getting low, I just miscalculated the need. I let my rations get too low.

I was actually anticipating having to shop for DD's arrival. In the back of my mind though, I was ready for his continued absence. While I let myself get a little annoyed at him for not coming on Father's Day and not communicating his plans for this weekend, I also recognize that he is not Tom. I should not put the same expectations on him to support the kids (or me).

I am certain of the coming of BoBo and YaYa. With the anticipation of the boys return, I will need to do some real shopping. I will need to replenish the food, and prepare for a week of the new norm. I imagine that this may be a little different than before their week at camp. There is a bit more yearning in this - which has a healing effect.

June 22, 2007

pickups

At work I have been challenged to keep a lot of balls (projects) in the air simultaneously. Today, however, I have off loaded all of the balls to other team members and am waiting for them to be thrown back at me. It's a good thing for a Friday.

At 11:30 am, I checked in with everyone prior to grabbing my workout bag. I passed Mark in the hallway and apologized for having to do a solo run. Of course he didn't think a thing of it. He's a good man.

The workout was a good one for today - run at easy pace and pick up the pace for 30 seconds eight times. I started out and reflected on the day, the week, the month, the year as my body warmed up. It was time for my first pickup before long. I pushed Garminia's lap button and picked up the pace when she signaled for me to GO.

The increased running effort that this required was nice. I thought of nothing else but running during those 30 seconds. I returned to an easy pace and caught my breath. The thoughts returned to my head. I let them be there but didn't try to solve them. I looked ahead to my path and watched the seconds tic away. It was good to know that in a matter of minutes, all of my troubles would be pushed aside to allow for me to focus on running (and nothing more) - even if it was only for 30 seconds at a time.

I realized this week that the time has come to begin bereavement support. I have contacted an agency and have an appointment next week. Unfortunately, I was not able to get anything sooner. I was, however, lucky enough to talk for over an hour this morning with my cousin-in-law. She helped me work through many of the feelings and issues that have been surfacing. Since I was unable to get an earlier appointment with the bereavement counselor, it was a great help to have a trained professional who knows me, Tom, the kids, and the extended family players. The conversation worked to pick me up on this tough week.

June 21, 2007

Over the hedge

I heard some rustling this morning, as I was getting ready for work. I’ve heard it a time or two before but, with the kids moving throughout the house, I was never able to figure out where the noise was coming from. At first, I looked out the window onto the roof. Nothing. Next, I walked over toward the kids’ room to see out their window. Again nothing. I stopped to listen. The sound was still audible and coming…from…over by the door to the attic. *great* While the kids are away, the critters have made their way inside our house and have come to stay.

I listened and tried to determine what the animal (or animals) could be. When they are outside, many of the critters are pretty cute. But over the hedge and inside my house, they aren’t so appealing. I began to wonder how large they could be.

Our neighbors had a similar experience about a month ago. I called them today to find out how they got rid of the unwanted guest. Apparently, she banged on the wall and screamed them out of her house. I could try that.

In an effort to avoid another expense I am willing to give noise-extermination a try. So tonight Lucky and I will be blasting some music, and doing some hootin' and hollering. I might have to invite my neighbor over for some tips on technique; I wouldn’t want to choose the wrong music and make them feel more at home.

If this doesn't work, I'll have to fork out some money and call in The Verminator. I may not need the "De-Pelter Turbo" device but something MUST be done. I can just sit back and allow the critters to go around robbing the Spuddies from my neighborhood of overfed, SUV-driving humans! No way.

June 20, 2007

Over the hump

It's Wednesday night and I am getting along okay. I guess you could say that I am over the hump. I booked up my evenings this week so much that I have hardly been home at all. I am able to do a few things that I couldn't normally do like have dinner with friends and family.

While the meet ups have kept my occupied, the distraction hasn't worked as smoothly as I had hoped. One pitfall is that th act of booking up my free time has left me exhausted. Additionally, my painful moments have been pushed back into my morning commutes (rather than late evening). Since I hate showing up to work with red, swollen eyes, I’ve decided that I need a solution.

I’ve decided to leave tonight open for some bonding time with Lucky and the 3+ loads of clean laundry that are now badly wrinkled.

sadness happens

You probably remember that I am not a runner who needs companionship on my outings. There are days when I would rather block out the world around me to retreat to the depths of my little head. Yesterday was one of those days.

The only problem with running solo was that I had already begun arrangements to run with Mark and Cindy. While I am sure that they would have understood, if I had sent them on without me, my mind was busied with the awareness that they had waited for me to get out of my meeting. I wouldn't let myself abandon them after that. Besides, Cindy was rescuing me from hunger with half of her energy bar.

As Mark and I ran together to the place where we would meet Cindy, I ranted about the meeting. I expressed having let my frustration completely consume me. I described how I had used my own sadness as an example of why the specific criterion under discussion was perfect as is. And how I felt utterly out of control at the moment that I let that happen. I could have said more, but had gotten enough of it out of my system by the time we met up with Cindy.

I took residence in the rear and chose to be silent throughout the rest of run. As Mark and Cindy talked it up on a vast array of topics it followed along and wished that I were somewhere else.

When we returned to the office, I left them deep in conversation on strokes and clot retrieval devices while I went off to be alone with my thoughts. They couldn't have known that I would think of Tom and the strokes which the brain tumors had caused. I *know* that Cindy and Mark would never have let the conversation go there had they known.

Yesterday was just a day where almost anything would kick off the sadness. I'm smart enough to know that it won't be the last. I anticipated that I would have a more difficult time this week with the kids being away and Tom's Birthday in just a few days. I will get through it.

June 18, 2007

Mommy Withdrawals

This morning at camp check-in I hid my nervousness as I looked around us. I thought back to BoBo's response when asked if he was excited about camp. He had told his Aunt Carol that he was going to be spending the next few days "watching the little kids." His enthusiasm for going to camp was back down. When I had last checked, he was actually a little excited about it. I don't know what changed his mind. I decided that I couldn’t make him to be happy about it; I can only make him go.

After the forms were turned in and the bags were bus-side, BoBo had retreated off to the curb. YaYa and I followed. All around us small groups of counselors presented over-the-top enthusiasm. Grouped by color, I could easily find YaYa's red group. BoBo's group, however, was unidentifiable.

I left the boys curbside and walked over to the red group. I asked for the whereabouts of the Outdoor Leadership Program. In the middle of all the groups sat a smaller group of counselors. They were more subdued but clearly a part of the camp. I escorted BoBo to his group and watched as he got acquainted.

It didn't take a lot of coaxing to get BoBo to join in on the games. After all, it was a safe environment for BoBo to "play" and not be judged. How perfect was that for a teenager who has been forced to assume the "man of the house" role?

Once BoBo was settled, YaYa was hooked up with his group. It was interesting to observe the quieting of "Mr. Talk." I joked with YaYa, telling him that the leaders were sure going to be surprised when he got comfortable. He smiled timidly at me.

The games began with YaYa's group as I stood back and watched. When I could see that both boys were comfortable, I returned to their side for a hug good-bye. I hugged little YaYa and found that, this time, it was me who was afraid to let go. I could feel the tears surfacing and managed to hold them back until I hit the car. Nothing like a little Mommy Withdrawals.

I thought back to when Tom and I left BoBo for the first time. I had a bad case of Mommy Withdrawals then. Deep down I knew that BoBo would be safe and well taken care of while staying with his Grandma. On the surface of my mind, I thought only that he was just about 2-years-old. I was so worried about my little baby needing me while we were off gallivanting in Hawaii.

One night, Tom and I were eating dinner at a fancy restaurant. We had a wonderful view from our table. I took one look out the window and began to cry.

Tom just sighed and said, "Go call."

After a brief update, Grandma called BoBo to the phone.
"Hi Mommy," he said.
"Hi," I said, "Mommy missed you and was calling to see what you are doing."
"I am playing games with Aunt Kathy and Aunt Judy," he said, "We went to the park and played on the swings, and I watched Angels in the Outfield on TV."
"Oh, that sounds like fun..."
"Momma," BoBo interrupted, "Do you want to talk to Grandma now?"
*sigh*
"Sure. Bye BoBo.

I didn't need to call him again. I just needed to know that he was okay. My young men are growing up, but they will always be my babies no matter how big they are. It's hard not to worry about them. I am sure that my boys will be okay this time too. And I suppose that I will be okay as well.

June 17, 2007

F Day

I've been dreading F day all week. It's not just because of my husband's death; it also has to do with my Step-Father's death. They were both young and it hardly seems possible.

At the same time, I was determined to make the best of it for my children's sake. I'd planned to take the boys to the movies in the afternoon. It seemed like a good way to occupy their minds. It was first things, first this morning; I had a run to complete.

The weather was glorious. It was sunny but cool when I grabbed my gear and drove to meet up with Cindy and Fred. I drove and thought to myself, so far - so good. Then, I turned on the radio to hear all of the Father's Day radio shows and commentary. *sigh*

I give up; there was no use fighting it. We'd chosen to meet up in a quaint little town nearby. The neighborhood is well to do with great shopping, restaurants and coffeehouses. All around me were families parading around their Father's on his special day.

I sat in my van and waited for Cindy and Fred to arrive. We were off and running down the paved path soon after that. The run was at a nice slow pace that I was sure would make Coach happy. We did an out and back route on a well traveled trail. The ho-hum was held at bay by great company.

Since my running partners of the day both have events next weekend, after 9.05 miles, I ran off in the other direction for the balance of my long run. I did a 5 mile loop on local the dirt trail.

At first the hill was an invigorating challenge but after a few minutes my left knee woke me up with a tug on each climbing step. I began re-evaluating my plans to run the Double Dipsea (again).

After a bit, I could modify my stride to keep the tug-o-war at bay. I continued upwards to the lovely view. Then the downhill part of the run woke up my right knee. Twinge, twinge, twinge. I again modified my stride to minimize the aggrevating movement. This was a little more difficult on the steeper sections.

Before long, I was back in town where I met up with Cindy and Fred again for coffee and "authentic" French crepes.

As for the movies:
We saw Surf's Up. It was a little slow to start, but ended up being a cute little movie. I did find it interesting that, just like in Shrek the Third, one of the main characters Father has died. At least in this movie it was only mentioned rather than the drawn out death of Fiona's frog-Dad in Shrek.

We survived F day. Now, it is home to pack for camp.

June 16, 2007

"You should be happy..."

Remember the Titans was on the television. It was BoBo who put it on. Caught up in the old tradition, I carried my dinner plate into the living room to watch. The moment was much like the old times, only someone was missing. It felt natural but discomforting at the same time. BoBo, YaYa and I watched the movie and remembered the past year - watching football movies, as well as BoBo's football games on the TV with their Dad.

BoBo has decided not to play football this coming school year. I can't help but question his decision. I often wonder if Tom's passing has more to do with BoBo's choice than anything else. It is his decision to make, and I hope that it won't be one that he will later regret. Football gave BoBo so much confidence and pride in this past school year. But it was also something that Tom latched onto in a big way.

The movie was just getting good when BoBo laced up his shoes. His running shoes, although barely worn, have long been outgrown. Wearing his high-tops, with the top open, he took to the streets for some run therapy.

Thirty minutes after he had gone, I began to get anxious. The sun had set and he was wearing a dark shirt. I wished that I had stopped him and made him change. I called him on his cell phone and discovered that he was heading back home.

But I wasn't totally relieved. I let twenty more minutes pass (or perhaps it only *seemed* like twenty) and laced up my own shoes. YaYa, Lucky and I piled into the van to check out how he was doing.

Less than a mile away from our home, BoBo could be seen. With myPod blasting in his ear, he was moving along to a quick song - I could tell. He was *flying* like a jet plane.

And when he was back in the house, he looked at me and said, "You should be happy, Mom. I ran." I should be, but I can't stop wondering if it is running instead football only because his Dad isn't here.

June 14, 2007

nothing profound

It's been four days since my last post - I still have nothing profound to say. I'll just write and see what comes out.

It's been a busy, exhausting week.
* Work has kept me busy - with timeline shifting on an increased frequency.
* BoBo's team had 3 baseball games (M-W), and there are 2 more on Saturday.
* The weather has been HOT.
* The end of school year activities, projects and studying was crazy.
* YaYa has been experienced more sadness.
* I haven't been sleeping well AGAIN.

With all that is going on, it is no wonder that I have been feeling under the weather. Although I would have preferred to be in the cool air-conditioned building of my work, I *needed* a day OFF.

My day started out slower than usual. YaYa and I got just enough done to be able to drive BoBo to school for his last day of final exams. He survived his freshman year! I wish that he did better, but I am proud of him sticking with it in these final days of school. It has been a tough year; transitioning to high school was just a part of it. BoBo stuck it out.

I headed out the door with my hair still wet, wearing a half-asleep look on my face. After dropping BoBo off, we took a trip to Starbucks for coffee and, YaYa's favorite, a lemon scone. Instead of rushing off, we sat in front and ate. The coffee didn't help my queasy stomach, but it did ease the pressure in my head. Afterwards, we returned home to finish preparing for YaYa's last day of school.

I dropped YaYa off just before the bell rang and took my time leaving campus. While watching the morning ritual of the Pledge of Allegiance and their Peace Builder Pledge, I chatted with another Mom. Since both of us are usually at work, the juxtaposition of the two pledges struck me as odd.

YaYa's teacher gave me his report card and we arranged for a meeting after school to discuss his progress this year. This was something that I had asked about a couple of weeks ago after noting YaYa's work was not available for many of the class assignments displayed at Open House. I was glad that we found the time, compliments of my *need* for a day off.

Although I took the day slow, I still felt the need to complete my run. I'll just say that 6 miles of running in the heat was not fun but I survived. My time logged does not include the many stops to break for shade and sip my cytomax. I can say, however, that I was able to hit the required pace if you only count my moving time. If it's good enough for Gumbyhead, than it's good enough for me.

The meeting with YaYa's teacher was informative. My concerns regarding his learning this year was relieved somewhat. Ever since YaYa started kindergarten (turning 5 years old on the 1st day of school), I have regretted my decision to send him so young. Although he has been identified as GATE, his talents don't come out amongst a class of students who are up to a year older than him. He struggles to keep up and homework is a battle of wills.

In spite of these issues, holding him back a year has never made sense. Today, YaYa's teacher confirmed that he was ready to move to 4th grade - not because the year has passed. More so, she *insisted* that she did not feel that he would benefit from doing so. YaYa's teacher noted that although his report card notes that he is only "approaching grade level," she feels that he has learned ALL of the material. He just doesn't produce the work due to a lack of focus.

It's been a tough school year for both boys. I am glad that it's done with. Now, on to the summer - which is just a new set of worries.

I went home to my couch, where I lay unconscious for an hour or so before I got up to return my Mommy duties. We have loads of dirty laundry, cluttered rooms, and packing for camp to take care of. Tonight, though, I am going to continue to take it easy.

June 10, 2007

Head to the hills

I'd just finalized my sabotage post, was helping YaYa complete his final book report of the year, and also keep BoBo focused on his end of year projects and studies, when Cindy's IM caught my attention. She was asking if I had run yet. I replied to indicate not yet, and soon we were making plans for run at 2:30 pm.

The plan was for YaYa to join us on his bicycle but, as luck would have it, YaYa hooked up with the neighbors for some pool time. They were happy to watch YaYa while I ran.

Soon, we were off to the hills for a glorious run. Without YaYa, we were free to take a more rugged route. We took a shaded trail up into the hills and around the resevoir. With a twinge and a tug here and there (a foot, a knee...), I was content to settle into a slower pace and enjoy the sights.

I returned to an invitation for dinner at the neighbor's house followed by a soak in the hot tub. *sigh of relief*

Hours later, I woke up to the fact that we had not yet printed the color slides for BoBo's "Dream Book." I was frustrated to find that some of the photos that he had pasted in were not showing on the PC. While I reworked the slides, BoBo called Kinko’s to verify that they were still open 24 hours.

We were not alone; the parking lot was still showing the popularity of Kinko’s at 10 pm at night. It was a sign of closing out the school year with a bit of hard work.

Sabotage

I have decided that I am being sabotaged. While I would like to be able to identify the culprit as someone other than myself, I cannot. It would be a lie to tell you that someone has been stealing my running shoes, locking me in my home, or force feeding me chocolate.

I am a passive player, watching from outside of my body, as I reach for another piece of dark chocolate. I climb into my body to enjoy the magic as it melts on my tongue and wakens my body. Then I reach for another knowing full well that one is enough, two is too much, and three is unheard of.

In the morning I remain in my bed knowing that my 12-14 mile run awaits. I listen to the voice in my head that tells me to give up. "Why bother," says Ms. Negativity. I ignore the voice that opposes her.

It is true that I have lacked motivation, that I haven't been telling myself that I have what it takes to get my BQ in Chicago (or even CIM). Yet, I know that if I just keep at it, my body will be ready when my mind finally comes around.

Of course my body won't be ready if I don't change a few things. I don't want to diet again. That got me no where. I do need to eat better. I also need to incorporate some strength training into my week. Unfortunately the jump roping in the Circuit Training class that I have been attending has flared up my peroneal tendonitis (or plantar fasciitis) in my left foot, with an accompanying ankle and knee soreness.

I've been wearing my night splint for about a week now, waking up to ankle rotations, icing, and have added stretching throughout the day. While it seems to be keeping things at bay, it is a lot easier to delay or skip my runs.

When I think about the re-occurring injury (now on the other side), I have to ask myself if I can ramp up like I need to in order to BQ. It is very mild, almost not worth mentioning, but overuse injuries are caused by "over use." I imagine that I could see an increase in severity the more I do.

It's a little premature to change my plan. Time will tell whether this all is from the jump roping (which I have stopped) or from running. When I last wrote about having difficulty finding the time to run, Coach called me to discuss my goals. He was reasonable, and wanted to help. Somehow hearing him offer to adjust the plan to delay my BQ attempt set off panic and more loss for me. It's still too early to know what will happen in the coming months. I don't want to put it off just yet.

While I do want to BQ, I do not want it at any cost. I look back to the hardship of not able to run after being injured (last October). I was miserable. I know that I need my running now more than ever. I will proceed with caution.

I cannot sabotage my goals or running by running when I shouldn't, or by filling my body with poisen in the form of negativity or poor food choices. I CAN ignore Ms. Negativity when she says, "Why bother" and keep reminding myself that I CAN achieve great things. I can even achieve my BQ; chasing the dream is worth bothering. So I'll do it anyway and get out there later today and RUN.

June 8, 2007

Travels with Tom

With my headphones ready, I ventured outdoors for a nice easy run. Having missed Tuesday's 4 mile run, I was ready to make today's run slightly longer than scheduled. I selected my play-list and began down the sidewalk towards the golf course.

Since Tom has been on my mind a lot these days, I wasn't going to fight it. I'd run and process some of the thoughts, which are already running through my head.

I'd selected my "Travels with Tom" play-list that I used for those long car rides where the music can make or break the trip. Because not all Bob DD songs are created equal, this collection of songs were songs which Tom liked that I also enjoyed. And it's not just Bob DD.

As the music played, the memories moved through my awareness. It was pleasant. I ran along happily remembering the events such as our trip along the coast from Los Angeles to San Francisco, living downtown while we were both in college and DD was still in grade school, and the first cappuccino that I made with our espresso machine. There were plenty of good times. Each song uncovered a picture for me and displayed it for me to admire.

I'd just assume forget about the bad times, but there was plenty of those too. I suppose the bad times are what makes the good times "good". Today's run was free of those.

I was traveling down my path, with Tom in my memory, at a nice relaxed pace. The wind was blowing in my hair just as it did on many of our trips in my convertible Fiat (before kids). And on the occasion, the sadness came flooding back in thinking about the memories that won't happen.

Sobs, accompanied with hyperventilation, overcame me in thinking of the happy moments of the future. Knowing that Tom won't be there to share the special moments like achieving my BQ in Chicago brings a lot of sadness.

Like a bad cramp, I just kept on running. By the time I hit the office doors, I felt a whole lot better than before the run.

June 7, 2007

Valuing People

It is so easy to take the little things that people do for granted. People often put off telling the ones they love how much they care. I guess they think that since they are there day in and day out that there will always be time. You can bet that our family doesn't feel this way - well not intentionally anyways. I was accidentally (at least I hope) left out of BoBo's Family & Friends section of his "Dream Book" project. *oops*

Well, life goes on for us. Today was probably a bad day to bring attention to my eyes with a little make-up. On the way to work, I drive down the freeway in a sea of cars with tears running down my face.

Today our department is hosting a "social event." As part of a Corporate Challenge we are doing a "what we do" presentation at lunchtime and serving ice cream to entice participation. The theme is supposed to be part of a "valuing people" initiative, but I fail to understand the point. We have put a lot of work into the presentation and we have high hopes that it will be well received. None of us have any expectations that we will be valued more by the other departments just because they know more about us and have been given free ice cream.

I don't have the positive outlook, which I want to have, these days. Having mandatory lunchtime meetings and activities doesn't help. I *need* my lunchtime runs to help me through the passing days. If corporate would adjust the timelines so that we could do our best, and not have to give up our lunch break to do it, that would be the best way to help us feel "valued." *whatever*

Running twice on Saturday left me with two days of no running. By Tuesday I was in real need of a run but, due to a meeting, my run was missed altogether and I was forced to adjust my schedule again. I did today's "progressive run" on Wednesday. I hope to make up Tuesday's "easy" 4-mile run later today, but it's not likely. YaYa has another appointment with the doctor today and then BoBo has another baseball game. I’ll figure it out.

Coach is supportive of being flexible so that it all can happen. He, being one for nicknames, calls me Gumby-head. You know we all have “head” in the name – don’t ask me why. Seeing how I need my running more for my mindset than my running goals (although they remain), I will take the Gumby approach. In the meantime, I'll put on a smile and fake my way through the ice cream social.

June 6, 2007

X's and O's

We were on the way into the Y-care at YaYa's school when YaYa stopped suddenly. He held his arms open wide for quick embrace. With his head buried deep into me, he held on tight not worrying who might see us. A year ago this would have never happened. But now days, YaYa takes his hugs when and where ever he wants and without regard to who might be looking. He holds on tight as if it will be the last time.

I let him hold on as long as he needs to. The hug helps me too. There aren't any guarantees that I will be around until he is raising his own kids, but that is my plan. I will do what I can to make it so and take action just in case.

On Monday, I paid a visit to an attorney to discuss the contents for my will. The process of thinking about your own mortality, and what you would want to happen "if this", and "if that," were to happen is a little scary. It is important though - especially where the kids are involved.

The hug ends. As a plus, we weren't even seen. I tell YaYa that I love him and he returns the gesture. In addition to the hug, I get a kiss - because I no longer wear lipstick that comes off on BIG (little) boy's cheeks.

June 5, 2007

Play nice

I took a back seat to the baseball game. It allowed me a nice view of BoBo - out in right field. Nearby, a father heckled his players. You would have thought it was a football game by his over enthusiastic prodding. Sitting on a bail of hay draped with my blanket, I was comfortable enough to put up with the annoyance.

Then one of our players did not slide at home plate. He nearly took out the opponent "football" style. It was horrifying to all watching. The comments from the opponent seemed to attack our whole community. From the neighborhood with more money (more debt is probably more accurate), the comments worked to point out a difference perceived by a select few. It was as if our whole team was playing "dirty" when, in fact, it was only the one player. Still, it takes only one move like that to turn the umpires against you. Our boys played on to a 2-point loss.

Afterwards, some of our parents slipped out quietly. I took it upon myself to do a little post-game mingling with the other side. Because we really aren't that different - some of our kids go to the same school.

Let's hope that tonight's game goes off with only the best of sportsmanship from the players and the parents.

FOS

F.O.S. is a medical abbreviation.
Today, it stands for Feeling Over Stuffed
It's all the same.
Food in -- Food out (or NOT).

Well, I don't quite feel like running.
I don't quite feel like doing anything.
and so...
perhaps I won't.

June 3, 2007

Tackling camp fear

It's past 10 pm and YaYa is still awake even though he has been in bed for over an hour. The questions keep coming. The most important question was the question that started the avalanche: "Will you be sad to be alone while BoBo and I are at camp, Mom?"

The truth is that I will be sad whether they are here or not. But I will also be happy knowing that the kids will be going to a camp that is just for them. It is a camp for kids whose lives have been hit with Cancer through a parent. Some are still watching their parents fight the fight against Cancer. Others are lucky enough to have a parent in remission. Finally, their are some who are just like my boys - their parent has died.

YaYa and I flipped through pictures of the campers from prior years. There is a pool, a climbing wall, a dance class, campfires, smores, water guns, and lots of happy kids. He's excited.

But now he just needs to GO TO SLEEP, because tomorrow is school. Camp is still a few weeks away.

June 2, 2007

Slow start Saturday

This morning I lay in my bed feeling too groggy to get out of bed. The baseball schedule was game free - a rare occurrence for Saturdays. The boys were sleeping soundly. It was the perfect opportunity to get out for a run. I probably could have stole away for a long run even.

The sky was gray. It wasn't very motivating for my native California mindset. Somehow I managed to drag my body down the stairs for a cup of coffee. I was off to a slow start.

Although it didn't do much for the weather, the coffee did its job of perking me up. Within a short period of time I was out pounding the pavement for 4 short, easy and overdue miles. I was supposed to run them on Friday.

I returned home and immediately began obsessing over a little tidying up for DD and his girlfriend's visit. Actually, it was more than "tidying." I vacuumed, cleaned counters, washed dishes, and began a load of laundry. I quickly ate a banana and a teaspoon of peanut butter and ran upstairs to shower before our guests arrived.

I was barely out of the shower when DD and a beautiful, dark haired girl stepped foot in our home. Her name was Natasha. It was odd for her to be coming to meet me and not Tom too. Odd and sad.

The boys, as always, get the bulk of DD's attention. This was true even when Tom was around. In no time, the basketballs were flying. BoBo whooped them all in a game of "around the world." YaYa shot with amazing accuracy for having his dominant hand in a cast. From basketball, they moved to football.

After a while DD asked if I wanted to run. He said that he and Tash just wanted to hang out with the boys. I hesitated, but not for long. Then I changed and was off to the open space for my Sunday long run (on Saturday).

The sun was slow to come out, but by this point in the day the gloom had burned off. My day might have been slow to start, but it turned out to be a beautiful day after all. A glorious day for lots of running.