I couldn't remember the last time I ran.  Then, as I wiggled my foot against the bed linens, my ankle reminded me.  The last time that I ran, I'd twisted my ankle and fell down.  That put an end to any hope of finishing the Napa Marathon.  The ankle is still tenuous, but doing much better.

I haven't just been sitting on my butt though.  This week, I've been getting out at lunchtime to do some brisk walking.  It feels good to move and my ankle is handling it fairly well. 

I've also been taking out my aggressions on BoBo's punching bag.  After all, if 1/2 of my garage (slight exaggeration) is going to be taken over by the beastly object, it might as well be put to use.  So YaYa and I have been taking turns beating up on the thing.

It's not much, but the physical activity is doing a lot of good. 

Posted by Juls at 9:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

As you may have guessed (by the lack of content in my recent posts), there is a lot going on behind the scene. There is much that could be said about the process, but I am choosing to keep a little privacy going. Let me just suffice to say that the “terrible twos” are NOT the most difficult of times for the parent-child relationship. These days are forcing me to show my love in a different way. It is a time of self discovery; a time where I am learning more about strength and endurance than ever before.

I feel relieved this week. Perhaps it is the break from the rain; a bit of sunshine is always a reason to smile. I feel stronger, more level headed, and confident. It feels as if my load has been lightened. If only a little lighter, it is still quite noticeable. Still, I wonder why my jaw feels as if I’ve spent the night with clenched teeth. I suppose it is because common sense tells me that the fight has only just begun.

Posted by Juls at 11:39 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

When I started this post my lack of content made the post fall into the category of "cheating," where Blog 365 is concerned. This morning, my only motivation to post was to share a cute little ditty that I discovered on a new blogger's string of posts. While I am happy to say that I don't relate to his complaint, I did find it quite entertaining.

I also wanted to point out that the finalists are now posted for voting for the Bloggies 2008 Awards, and ask you to vote for your favorites. Sadly, yours truly was not on the list...but I did see a few familiar blogs listed. There are also many other blogs that I may need to check out.

In the meantime, my work day has moved on. I reviewed my Outlook Calendar only to see that I have an all company meeting this evening that will put me on the freeway right at the peak commute time. I haven’t asked anyone to gather the boys from baseball and daycare, so it is going to be a stressful ride home.

Moments later, I sat in a meeting arguing a point that seemed so obviously critical. I wasn’t alone in the fight, but was certainly the minority. In the end, what would have been of critical importance for my last employer, turned out to be inconsequential for the new company.

I am certainly learning a thing or two about change. It’s not the 1st battle that I’ve lost and it certainly won’t be the last. It is simply a sign of how different BIG and small pharma are from each other. I’m not sure how I feel about it.

Posted by Juls at 8:40 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

The first time that it happened, I wondered if it was a fluke. But it happened a 2nd time too.
I could get used to this.

Posted by Juls at 9:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Take my advice; take advantage of opportunities for rest and relaxation (RNR).

It's a time to store up energy - for times when you really need it.

Posted by Juls at 9:05 AM | Permalink

Take it from me, raising a teenager is difficult work.  Add the death of a father, and it all gets pretty complex.

It only took me ten months to realize that I've been hurting my son, rather then helping him, by being focused too much on the loss.  In the process, I've stood by and watched his grades plummet and struggle with poor decision making. 

By the time that my heart ache had gotten so bad that I wondered if I was having subtle signs of a heart attack, I realized (finally) that it was time to generate some courage. 

It is easy to say the words "I love you," but it is really hard to show the love by saying "NO." 

Posted by Juls at 9:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

A relative of my extended family is always sending me chain letter/emails. Often they are religious in nature and very often I delete them before I even open them (thereby avoiding skirting the pressure to comply with the forwarding requirements). But, on a very challenging weekend, it was nice to know that someone was praying for me...and sending me the following message.

EPHESIANS 3:20
"The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'"

Posted by Juls at 2:34 PM | Permalink

It's Saturday morning and I am enjoying the luxury of sleeping children, walked dogs, and nothing pending on my to-do list - at least that I can remember. I seized the moment as an opportunity to test out the newly acquired email addresses for my fellow "groupies." I wished them a relaxed week with plenty of opportunities to take deep breaths, hug thier kids, and enjoy the little things in life that make smiles happen....like a little break from the rain.

I forgot to wish the same for myself...and for YOU.

Posted by Juls at 8:30 AM | Permalink

I was pissed when I left my support group on Wednesday.  Pissed - Because the facilitator came on a little too strong with her comments on what I should do about BoBo.  She's never even met him.

I am really fed up with the number of people who are willing to give their free advice on how I should be parenting and what I should be doing.  While I admit that I need to make some changes, I fear that any rash actions on my part may push BoBo in the opposite direction.  I also feel overwhelmed and paralyzed by the thought of adding more to my already full plate. 

What I need to do is take better care of ME.  I'm not suggesting that I sit on the couch eating bon-bons while my son gets lost in a cloud of smoke.  I'm just finally admitting that my body has been letting me know that I need to care for it better.

My throat has been sore since at least Christmas.  Sometimes the pain is mild.  Other times it hurts bad enough that I get up in the wee hours to drink a cup of hot tea.  I have been feeling like the weight of the world is upon me as well.  On my chest to be exact.  Perhaps it's just stress, but I am too young to feel this way.  So, today saw the doctor and had many tests done.

If you want to help, put some skin in the game; don't tell me what you think I should be doing or tell me how mad you are at BoBo for putting me through this.  Push aside your judgement and think for a moment what you might do if your Dad died when you were a teenager.  And don't call someone else to tell them what they need to do for me either. 

Posted by Juls at 12:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

The problem with Blog 365 is:

When you have nothing to say, you are forced to clutter your blog with mindless filler.

Posted by Juls at 11:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

I am trying to maintain the best thoughts of who you are.  You are sending messages, however, that you are becoming somebody very different.  I think if you looked closely, you would see that you’re heading in a direction where no one will benefit – particularly YOU.  I will always love you, but the actions that I am contemplating may send a different message.  Someday, I hope, you will understand and thank me.

Posted by Juls at 8:23 AM | Permalink

Like a wound,

constantly irritated,

and rubbed raw

until the scab falls off;

my soul is wide open

and exposed,

leaving me

too vulnerable.

Posted by Juls at 9:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I'm exhausted.  It's amazing how tiring it is to sit in one spot for eight hours.  More of the same tomorrow.

Posted by Juls at 8:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

...but kind of cool too.

Posted by Juls at 12:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Somebody has to find humor in the incident; Lord knows I am trying to.  If anything, it was a learning experience.  I expect the security guard is still collecting himself off of the floor of his truck after hearing my confession.  I had to tell someone; I didn't want to just drive away, leaving the smell of disaster to invoke panic in those who couldn't keep away from the building on a company holiday. 

Well, actually we DID drive away.  But then I came back to the parking lot.  I then confessed to the guard, only I didn't tell him the whole story.  I just asked him if he was there because of the smell coming from the kitchen.  I told him that we burned something in the kitchen.  Simple.  Right?  He seemed to enjoy hearing the story. 

I hated being in the situation.  It is easy to focus on the I should have's after the fact.  I am still kicking myself for thinking that YaYa knew better.  Of course he didn't. 

Here's what happened:  My work has Cup-O-Noodle Soup packages for free and the kids love to have some whenever we stop in for me to check email on my day off, or whatever the reason.  YaYa usually goes off with BoBo to collect up the goods so that by the time they have their soup I am ready to go.  The system has worked out pretty well...until now.

The missing piece was BoBo.  He wasn't with us today.  I had told YaYa to wait for me but, when he headed to the kitchen ahead of me, I didn't stop him.  I went to my desk, thinking I would dock my computer, log in, and let my settings load while I retrieved YaYa. 

Well, I soon got sidetracked.  In reading and responding to the emails regarding BoBo's curriculum for his 2nd semester (the reason why I needed to go to work), I forgot about YaYa until I heard him calling for me.  I quickly got up.  Immediately, I saw in his face that something bad had happened.  Something was wrong.  I pictured noodles and soup all over the floor, but that wasn't it.  

I arrived in the kitchen to find a thick cloud of smoke.  My eyes nearly bulged out of my head as I wondered how on earth hot water from a tap could have ended up causing smoke.  Then I saw the reason for the smoke, and I realized that YaYa didn't have a clue on how to prepare Cup-O-Noodle Soup. 

He must have never watched BoBo making it because my son had put the package into the microwave, paper wrapping included, and without water for a total of 3 minutes. 

So there we were frantically fanning the smoke detectors, and hoping that we wouldn't have to explain the whole situation to the fire department.  My heart was pounding and the smoke hurt but I held back the tears (barely) until the air had cleared enough to leave the building. 

I am sure the smell will still be there when I arrive to work tomorrow.  I am certain that everyone will be talking about it and wondering who the moron was who would let their kid into the kitchen to cook without supervising them.  They will probably pull up the surveillance tapes and watch the whole thing unfold.  There will probably be a new policy to not bring kids into the office...ever! 

And it's all my fault. 

Note: This is where you laugh and help me to find the humor.  I don't want to hear what a good parent I am.  Still, I assure you, I've learned my lesson.

Posted by Juls at 3:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (15)

I don't think that I was any different from the majority of the population in thinking that Tom and I would grow old together.  The only reason that crossed my mind, for why we might not, was if we split up.  I often wondered if, after the kids were grown, we had enough in common to want to play out the rest of our lives together.  We really were very different.  But we did love each other.

Of course I never dreamed that he would die so young.  I found myself carrying out a promise to take care of him, thinking that we were supposed to be old and gray by the time I had to take on that role.  It isn't always how you plan it. 

Tom often would complain that his life had no meaning.  He never felt that his existence had a purpose.  Simply bringing in three wonderful sons, and raising them up with values and happiness was not enough for him.  I now realize that his happiness was held hostage by a grief that I could never fathom.  I do believe that he came to terms with this before he died.  Still, we are very different individuals, he and I. 

Ever since Tom's death, the prospect of dying before I am old and gray has threatened.  Even with the breast cancer scare, I promised the kids that I would fight to the end.  Thankfully, it didn't go that route.  I didn't then, and won't ever, make promises to my children that I will be around forever (or any other measure of time). 

Knowing that I won't be around for eternity, there are a few things that I want to see/accomplish before I do die.  I think that my list is simple.  Unlike Tom's initial thoughts on the meaning of life, I believe that if I can make a difference in my children's lives, then mine will have been worth my existence.  I need nothing more than that.

A wonderful friend of mine took YaYa and I to the movies yesterday.  Afterwards, we went back to her house for an awesome meal cooked by her and her husband.  It was a great night. 

She let me pick out the movie.  I chose Rob Reiner's new movie, The Bucket List, with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman.  I cried a lot but enjoyed it thoroughly.  It was a great movie and it does get you thinking. 

The movie prompted me to work on my own "bucket list."  My list is primitive but I suppose it will evolve over time.  For now, the majority of items revolve around the kids. 

My Bucket List

1. "Find the joy" once more.
2. Attend and watch each of the boys graduate from High School, and then College.
3. Dance with each of my sons at their weddings.
4. Spoil my grandchildren (just like my Step Dad spoiled my children) by being at their Birthday Parties, Sporting Events, any other important events, and any other time they will have me.
5. Visit the Grand Canyon (with the boys).
6. Qualify and run in the Boston Marathon.
7. Visit Ireland and Guam with the boys to learn about their roots together.

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep;
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.

Posted by Juls at 10:48 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

The following message just arrived in my email in-box.

Dear Julie:

Thank you for your email.  We are sorry you will not be joining us on the March 1st weekend for the 30th annual Napa Valley Marathon.

Posted by Juls at 1:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

BoBo is away at his older brother's home for a few days.  I will at least get a break from worrying about where he is, who he's with, what he's doing, and whether he's safe.  I can focus on spending some quality time with YaYa, instead of forcing him to leave his friends in order run errands or pick up BoBo from where ever his skateboard has taken him.

I know that BoBo will be in good hands and will have a good time as well.  I think that he will even enjoy being with family for a while, instead of his all-important friends.  I am trying not to be so hurt that he doesn't want to be around me anymore.  It is so hard not to bitter.

Love just sucks sometimes.  I'm finding truth in the saying that we hurt those whom we love the most.  The combination of losing his father and the teen years is wicked.  I just hope that BoBo realizes how much I love him; he hasn't been around very much for me to tell him so.  I love him so much that it hurts.

I will count my blessings that the age gap between the boys is large enough to (possibly) allow me to gather some more strength before YaYa hits the teen years full force.  I know that I'm going to need my strength when my momma's boy turns anti-family.  I'll have to make these memories last and then call upon them when YaYa is putting me through his own version of teen-hood.

Posted by Juls at 8:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Earlier this week, while picking up a prescription, I squirmed a bit when Sara insisted that I should have some time to myself.  I tried to kid her a little, saying that work served that purpose but she didn't buy it. 

I realize that Sara is right; it is important to take time for myself.  But time to myself rarely happens around here.  There is the occasional hour when YaYa is down the street at the neighbor's house and BoBo is out with his friends.  These days it seems that I can't even go to the bathroom without someone (or some dog) hovering near the door.

My long runs used to satisfy the need to be alone.  I'd get up early, leaving the boys sleeping at home, and put a few miles between myself and my everyday demands.  It helped tremendously, and when I returned home the boys were watching TV or playing a game of football in the backyard. 

It seemed, however, that those days had been stripped away sometime around Christmas.  BoBo has become more irritable and inpatient while YaYa has taken on an intensified emotional fragility.  YaYa also pushes BoBo's buttons more than before, while BoBo picking on YaYa and name calling has increased.  It makes for a very unhappy house.  I haven't felt comfortable leaving them alone together since the change...meaning my long runs are a thing of the past.

Just as my twisted ankle has put me on the sidelines for a short period of time (still yet to be determined), I hope that the increased moodiness of the Family F is also temporary.  For now, I find my reprieve whenever I can get it.  I'll enjoy my time to relax, rather than dwelling on a need for complete time to myself.  With that in mind, I can be satisfied (somewhat) with what I have.  It is, after all, all that I've got.

Posted by Juls at 7:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Although I never fully appreciated the extent of it, I always thought that my husband, Tom, was brilliant is many ways. Writing was one area that he excelled in.  Tom had a way of adding several dimensions of depth into his writing.  Choosing words which appeared on the surface to mean one thing, yet deeper down held far more significance. 

I loved to watch him toil over his writing.  He would work on the same piece for weeks or months, sometimes returning to it, years later, in order to get it just right.  But I didn’t always appreciate his craft. 

He’d read the same poem over and over as the edits were made.  After he read it out loud he waited for our feedback.  I often thought that he could strengthen the piece by cutting it into a few shorter poems.  He didn't always appreciate my telling him so. 

The length and complexity of the poems meant that I had to concentrate for too long to stay with his thoughts. 

Tom was close to his writing.  Mostly writing about death, we joked that his blog was the death blog.  Because of the topic, it was sometimes disturbing.  That was part of the craft for him - make the reader squirm a little.

You see, Tom was always grieving.  From the moment I met him, he’d already been hit with a loss that I can only imagine – the loss of a child.  Stupidly I thought that I could heal it.  But you cannot heal someone else's grief; it is theirs to mend. 

Over the years the losses of others near and dear to him came fast and furious.  I don’t think he could keep up with the darkness that accompanied the pain, so he wrote about it.  Nearly every one of his pieces had grief woven into it. 

Now that I have lost Tom, I read his work and pick out the phrases with an appreciation for his pained virtuosity.  I suppose that I finally get it.

Posted by Juls at 5:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

For sanity sake, I gave my crutches the boot. I found it impossible to accomplish anything with both of my hands tied up. Making my coffee and then balancing on one leg in the kitchen until the cup was finished seemed counterproductive to the healing process. Additionally, the large and energetic puppy posed a real safety issue.

Although I would still be weight bearing, I reasoned that my boot would provide the immobilization that my ankle needed. It also feels satisfying to get another use out of it, thereby getting my money's worth from the investment. Note: By no means does this mean that I want another reason to use it after this; I can do without ANOTHER injury.

After a day off of work, I am back in the office. I am currently working (or was working) in my office doing a little desk yoga; my foot is propped up on a cushion on top of my desk. It is nice to be flexible.

Posted by Juls at 10:46 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

This morning, when I was trying to make up for time lost...do to useless trips downstairs...where I accomplished absolutely nothing, my youngest son put me in my place. Yes, my 9-year-old scolded me - gently of course.
I guess I was being a bit inpatient with him. I was also complaining a little too much...about having to do too many things (which I wasn't exactly doing very well, by the way). That was when he told me that "just because I was having a bad day [because of the crutches] didn't mean that I needed to ruin his day too." He said other things too, such as that I wasn't doing EVERYTHING, and reminding me that he *was* helping me.

It's true - ALL of it. I was scolded by a 9-year-old and I deserved it.

Posted by Juls at 11:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I am finding out the hard way that it is really HARD to get things done with crutches. I'm not good at the impaired mobility thing. Then again, we already knew that.

On the upside, I have a great friend who helped me get dinner on the table last night. I also have a wonderfully helpful son who helped carry my purse and open doors for me yesterday as we chased down the reason for BoBo's back pain.

Also, good news (I think) nothing is broken of fractured. It's just a sprain.

Posted by Juls at 8:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I understand that it is generally a good idea to stay on course while out running – meaning stay on the sidewalk. But, what do you do when there is a truck parked on the sidewalk? What if the street that you are running on a very busy street and the bike lane is pretty much nonexistent?

You attempt to go around by running on the lush, green, grass…twist your ankle and fall down. *wince*

At least the grass was soft.

Posted by Juls at 1:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Isn't this rose beautiful? It was really hard to prune back my rose bushes when they continue to produce such lovely winter roses. I did, however, do the deed.

I also cleaned out my garage, made my first donation of outgrown clothes and shoes to charity, washed and folded a few loads of laundry, and did the much awaited grocery shopping.

Unfortunately, I did NO RUNNING - other then running around the elementary school track with the dogs. Except for the fact that I am registered for a marathon in March, my lack of running long doesn’t matter right now.

Posted by Juls at 8:45 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Good ol' Lucky has been eager to run again. A few days ago, when I took the dogs down to the elementary school, he went directly to the track, looked back at me as if to say, "let's go", and started to run. It was a Lucky paced run but most certainly a run. His energy has been improving and I have been amazed at his persistence. Lap after lap, we travel around the dirt track as Ronin makes his own way jackrabbit style. Today, we went around eight times. Pretty good for an 11-year-old dog, huh?

That's what I thought, but tonight he is limping. Poor guy. I think he over did it.

Posted by Juls at 9:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

It’s past 4 am. I find myself alone with my thoughts and unable to return to sleep since awakening at 2:30 am. The dogs sleep on the floor of my room. Lucky’s snores remind me of Tom.

I’ve been thinking about time. How strange it is that so much time has passed and yet if feels like just yesterday when my life was beginning to crumble. When I think back on the chain of events, it is easy to pinpoint the turning points. It was January 29th, when my life started down the painful path to be remembered forever. I only need to look to my blog to check the date of my skipped blog entry (which still sits on the pad of paper that I wrote it on). We didn’t know of the tumors then, but I mark the date as the turning point nonetheless.

Once more the date is circling around. The 1st year anniversary of my husband’s passing is beginning to encroach on me already (even though his death actually occurred in March). It’s so hard to believe that it’s been this long. Time has sped up, as my life has seemed to be at a standstill.

It is hard not to try to analyze it all. My “good” days, as I now call them, are the sort of days that I would have been bored, even disappointed, with. They are the sort of days where I sit aimlessly on the couch watching Drake and Josh, iCarly, or Spongebob Squarepants with the kids. I wouldn’t have been able to sit there before. These days, I’ve decided that these could be the moments that we all remember. This could be as good as it gets. So I’ve been sitting and trying to just enjoy it – and now I actually do.

Tom used to criticize me for being uninformed. Now I am even more at fault in that department. It’s probably been at least 6 months since I’ve watched the news, and I’ve only perused the headlines if I happen to walk past a newspaper. The radio is probably my only means of awareness, which means that I am more knowledgeable about Brittany than the war in Iraq.

I’d like to think that I’ll make time for rounding out my knowledge, as Tom was so amazingly adept at, but I am also afraid that doing so would consume me to the point of alienation from my children. Is it unfair to think that Tom did just that? Often he was home, but rarely was there more than a few minutes of just hanging out with the kids. I did that for the two of us.

Where does that leave me? At 4:45 am, I sit awake in bed wondering what purpose my life has. Why am I here on earth? How can I make my life more meaningful? It is up to me to decide what I want to accomplish here, but my mind is blank.

I guess I’ll sleep on it.

Posted by Juls at 4:45 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

The new dog won't sit still. He's driving me nuts. Since we got him, we've had to keep all of the doors in the house closed in order to avoid finding our precious belongings in his mouth. Let me tell you, it makes for dark and dreary hallways.

Call me paranoid, but when I hear him moving around upstairs I can't relax. I have to go up to check on him to be sure that he hasn't found a door ajar. It's unnerving because he is very persistent. He has plenty of his own things, but that doesn't seem to satisfy him.

Ugh! I've got to go. He just went up the stairs and I just heard the door to BoBo's room opening. Can't a girl kick back, rest her weary body, and watch iCarly with her son? What is this world coming too?

Posted by Juls at 9:22 PM | Permalink

My breathing felt uneasy as I hit the pavement for the first time since Monday. My irregular running pattern is disappointing. I have nobody to blame but myself for not getting out the door. I could feel my LIVESTRONG band bouncing around on my right wrist.

A stranger to my wrist, the band has been hanging on my shift lever since September 2005. That was when I removed it, disgusted with the sudden death of my step dad. Over the past two years the band has been more of a reminder of lives lost to cancer rather than the reason that I first slipped in on.

Now for different reasons, I was willing to slip it back on my wrist again. Staring at the words “LIVE” and “STRONG,” I am reminded of how I must move beyond the pulls to become a victim of circumstance. At least that is what I want the words to motivate me to do.

The band soon settled down, finding its place on my wrist, realizing the change since it last hung there, and letting me define its new role. Rather than against my every move, it was now moving with me.

As I hit the hill, my pace slowed and my breathing became uneasy once again. LIVE, I thought. Be STRONG, I urged. Before long I was over the first hill and cruising down the other side. Representing the first of many hurdles to overcome, this hill workout is just another part of my training for the long journey I am on. Where I am going I will need to call upon my strength (band or not) to go on

…and I will LIVE STRONG

Posted by Juls at 2:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

My company’s annual holiday party is tomorrow. Nobody has even asked if I was going to attend…until now.

Although it looks like it will be a grand event, I sheepishly confessed that I probably would not be going. The reason that I gave was that I did not have a sitter lined up yet. The truth is, I haven’t even asked anyone to watch the kids. I just don’t want to go alone.

Posted by Juls at 2:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

http://2008.bloggies.com/

Posted by Juls at 3:22 PM | Permalink

Support group felt a little strange this week. I wondered if the addition of one facilitator changed the dynamics a bit. On the other hand, it could have just been the three weeks of between sessions, OR maybe it was just ME.

Part of the weirdness was due to the fact that I was there after having a good day. Yes, I had a "good" day. It was a sharp contrast to the rest of the members of the group. It had been a productive day at work where I accomplished the same amount of work in that one day as I did in all of last week. Being busy provided me with a good distraction from the feelings that usually cloud my days.

Our first exercise was to circle faces representing the different emotions we'd experienced in the day. I was done in a couple of minutes and watched the rest as they continued making circle after circle. By the time we were done I had a total of five emotions circled, while my fellow groupies had 14-21 different emotions. I was certainly the odd man out.

By the time my turn in the discussion occurred, I had more to discuss than just my day. It was the contrast of night and day that I talked about. I explained that while my day was generally good, the worst was yet to come as evenings are the hardest part of the day for me. I went on to provide an example for them, describing a night that I made soup from a can for my children's dinner AGAIN and then ate a piece of bread. I realize that I could do worse. My kids actually love Chicken Noodle Soup. What bothers me most has less to do with my dinner short-cuts, and more to do with my lack of motivation to feed my kids properly. Providing healthy, well-balanced meals is my job! It is just so hard to cook healthy meals when I have no appetite of my own. I eat out of duty, not based on hunger. Consequently, I eat whatever is around. If we are out of something, I figure out a substitute to avoid going to the store unless absolutely necessary.

It may sound strange to you. It might even worry you. But the thing is nobody in the group was at all surprised. We've all been experiencing tough times. Some members in the group are years past their loss. For each, this journey is different but much of the background (inability to focus, lack of motivation, exhaustion, lack of or excessive appetite, loneliness) is similar, if not the same. I took comfort in knowing that I am not the only one. I left group and went straight to the store and didn’t leave until I had the required ingredients for three whole dinners.

In case you are wondering, we had tortellini for dinner, and I ate it. I didn’t exactly enjoy the meal, but I ate it just the same. Also, I think BoBo was wishing that I'd made Chicken Noodle Soup again. *sigh* Tonight, we are having Healthy Joes - a meal that both kids enjoy.

Posted by Juls at 12:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

My plan called for an easy run on Monday. My head, however, was filled with a mind-maddening mix of thoughts that needed to be purged. Only a hard run would do. I pulled on my running clothes, ponied up the little hair I have left, and was out the door. I hit the ground running, and took no time to stretch.

I ran for YaYa’s nightly murmurings of how he misses his Dad.
I ran for BoBo’s unhappiness in school and with friends that have alienated them selves from him.
I ran hard and didn’t let myself give up.
I ran as if I was able to generate the will for my boys to never quit either.

It hurts, but I will not give up.
I will keep on pushing no matter how hard it gets.

Posted by Juls at 1:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

My computer has a mind of its own. I spend my time clicking and waiting for a response. Clearly my computer has been delivered to the wrong region of the US. Instead of the fast-paced Silicon Valley, surely this computer was bound for a more easy going life far, far away from here. My click-clicks are followed by a total screen freeze which keeps me from finding alternate activities to occupy my mind during the waiting periods.

My intended post for yesterday was actually about running. It was eaten up completely during one of these waiting periods. By the time I got around to rewriting it, my own cerebral computer spit out a completely different post.

Posted by Juls at 7:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Exhaustion hit hardest when I was finally forced to slow down. I retreated to the couch of the hospice waiting room, without a second thought as to who would see me lying there or what they might think. In the meantime, YaYa did his cursive homework and BoBo was in his group session. I succumbed to the silent screams of pain.

I knew that I was not alone in my suffering. On the outside, the hospice waiting room seems peaceful but, when you get quiet enough, you can hear the cries of sorrow of those seeking relief from the ongoing ache. I closed my eyes, listened, and let the thoughts come and go. I took deep breaths and let a little of the loneliness release. Then, I began to pray for my children, for myself, and for the many who are suffering a similar pain.

As I lie there, I could hear the janitor as he pushed past me with his cart of cleaning supplies. He slowed with curiosity, wondering what my story was. Why was I lying there, in the waiting room of a local hospice? Then it hit him. I could hear his cart speed up as the realization finally hit him. It was grief.

Grief is a pain that people both recognize and fear. They can deny it, but it sits beneath their noses where ever they go. It is all around us. You can even hear it if you listen. To acknowledge it, is to know that there is no immunity to losing someone that you love. That is a horrifying discovery.

• What do you do when you realize that you are not immune?
• Does that mean that you should spend more time with those who you love?
• Does it mean that you could give up a day out with the guys (or girls) to spend a little more time together?
• Perhaps, it means that you actually work 40-50 hours per week, instead of 60-80 hours.
• Perhaps it means that now is the time to take that family vacation.
• Maybe, it just means that you put your affairs in order - just in case.

The questions, or regrets, were floating in the air around me from people, just like myself, who thought it would never happen to them. Although the janitor was gone in a flash, I wondered was aware of the questions too.

I'm not advising you to live your in fear; no one will benefit from that. I'm just saying that there are no guarantees, so be sure that you have no regrets.

Posted by Juls at 12:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I've been reading a few fun, non-running, blogs for a while now. Just this morning, I stumbled across a new idea via Zoot's link to Mother May I's Best Shot Monday post. I just LOVE this idea.

Here's my first shot for Best Shot Monday:
I know what you're thinking; licking the feet is one thing, but the face is a whole other issue. BoBo didn't seem to care. Love is such a strong director of actions.

Just think, we’d only had Ronin two days at this point. The two seem to have developed a real affinity for each other. The bond is far stronger than it was at the point when this photo was taken. There’s no telling where this will go.

I guess they don't call dogs "man's best friend" for nothing. Ronin is sure to become BoBo's.

Posted by Juls at 8:31 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

At about 5 am this morning, when the cold air hitting my throat made each breath painful, I was convinced that the whole family should head down to the urgent care to have strep cultures done. I reached for a cough drop and pulled the blankets over my head. Of course Ronin thought it was a signal to get up. I just hid as he sniffed the covers, searching for the head that he was sure he'd seen just a moment before.

By the time 6 am came around, I was still huddled under the covers. The air was still cold and I had yet to hear the furnace turn on. I decided against getting up to use the bathroom, so as not to disturb the sleeping dogs, and to continue to enjoy the warmth of my bed. I, also, desperately wanted to return to my dream . In my dream Tom's voice, touch, and the feeling of being loved was as real as ever. I my dream, I was with him. I heard his voice speaking to me but, due to natures call, I had been pulled away from him mid-conversation. By this point, I couldn't remember what he'd said to me. I only knew that I want to be right back there with him, even if for just a few more hours.

I did fall asleep again, but I hadn't reconnected with Tom. On the upside, my throat felt much better. At 8:30 am, I finally got up so that everyone (myself included) could relieve thier bladders. After that, it was time to assess, and plan out how my day would go.

After examining my throat, I took a decongestant (the first since getting sick), and threw YaYa's bike in the van. We were off to the bike path for a run of whatever length my body would allow.

It wasn't my body that limited me, however. It actually felt good to run. I was surprised. We'd traveled less than 2 miles before the rain was upon us again. It didn't make any sense to push our luck. I was sick and beside that, YaYa's little hands were frozen. We ended our run early and went to the coffee shop for hot drinks to warm us up.

I was only 10 miles shy of my goal for this weekend’s long run. At least I can breath again.

Today is the last day of the kids' winter vacation. Tomorrow we will be hard pressed to get out the door by 7 am. There won't be any sleeping in for anyone. Hence, I am going to try to get back under my covers early tonight. Maybe I'll have another rendezvous with my hubby. I'll at least get some reprieve from the cold, and a little rest as well.

Posted by Juls at 4:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Ronin doesn't do dishes, but he does toes. Woo-hoo!
I think we'll keep him.

Posted by Juls at 10:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

I am one of those Native Californians who reinforce the notion that Californians are wimps where weather is concerned. To all of you who also live here and are not wimps, I am sorry for my frailty. It is one of the reasons that I never refused to move from here. It's comfortable and that's what I need right now.

The most comfortable spot for me this morning is in my bed. Unfortunately, I may have to get up for my coffee and cough drops. When I do get up, I'll see the destruction that has been done to my beautiful yard. My back fence is leaning into the neighbor's yard, and the other fence is lying on the ground beside the garbage cans. Oh bother.

Our house is ice cold from the loss of power during the night. The power was out for most of yesterday, recovered in time for a few hours of evening entertainment (including Friday Night Lights), and then went out sometime in the night. My house alarm alerted me of low battery in the midst of it. Obviously, we have power and internet once more, but I wonder how long it will last.

I am tired, and cold, and sick....and I doubt that I will be doing that 12-14 mile run that I had planned. Call me a wimp, if you will. I won't deny it.

Posted by Juls at 8:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

The funny thing about having a new dog is that there are "new" going on. There are new habits to teach and learn, and new joys to experience.

Another thing about the new dog is that our schedule has been challenged to adjust again. This will be even further stressed when the kids return to school next week. Still, I've been going to bed later, getting up earlier, dressing in a hurry so that I can walk each dog, and tire the pup out a bit, prior to leaving for work. It's been tiring to say the least.

I was in a meeting yesterday when I became aware of a familiar smell. "Is that ME?" I wondered. Of course it was. Who else could it be?

I tried to examine my shoes as discreetly as possible without being noticed. In the crevices of my right shoe were the ruminants of foul dog excrement - not a lot, but just enough. I wondered if the girl next to me could smell it too. Was she wondering if I had crapped my pants like some senile, old woman? *sigh*

The meeting could not have ended soon enough.

Now call me paranoid, but even though I have since tromped through numerous puddles of water, I swear that I can still smell a hint of stink. I'd hate to be know forever more as the girl who smells like dog doo.

Posted by Juls at 11:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Posted by Juls at 11:53 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

January 112.64
February 109.76
March 53.32
April 108.35
May 103.16
June 113.98
July 30.60
August 152.65
September 153.52
October 116.70
November 105.87
December 56.64
-----------------------------
Total Miles: 1317.19

Posted by Juls at 12:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

The year certainly left plenty of room for improvement. From the very beginning, to the end, the year kept me in constant effort to maintain the will to go on. There were a lot of hurdles, as you will see, but mixed in was a few special moments were our family came together to recover from a year of loss. It's still very rocky, but we haven't given up. We go onward, and look to 2008 for better times.

January
Recovering from an overuse injury, I returned to streets. It was a little rough starting out again. I had righteous days and had to adjust my priorities along the way. I sought out an amazing and hip coach to help me build a strong running base and target a fall marathon. I even registered to make it real.

February
My foot issues continued and, in an effort to keep running, I did some experimentation by trying out numerous combinations of inserts, orthotics, and metatarsal cushions. This was all in the effort to live well and thrive and enjoy some runs once again. While I found little things to complain about in my blog, the big stuff was just about to be discovered.

March
My life was turned upside down in a blink of an eye when we suddenly discovered a tumors all over my husband's body. Initially, the doctors tried to give us other reasons for the "masses." We tried to hold onto hope, while the biopsy results were still pending, but we knew that it had to be Cancer. The uncertainty proved confusion for all and my siblings resorted reading my blog when they couldn't get a straight answer. My request for photos to be included in your posts, yielded surprising results. I tried to reciprocate in return as I cared for my husband and delayed posting the whole story until well after the end. What seemed like an eternity of pain and suffering (for Tom), hyperventilation, and battles as his caregiver was over in a flash. I was left searching my senses for links to my husband.

April
BoBo turned 15 years old. In a moment of weakness, I agreed to let him have a coed party. I learned that "fine" isn't always fine, resorted to prayer, and returned to marathon training again. I struggled with the post-death procedures of closing accounts and the like. After a short trip to Sonoma, I returned to work. I also won a contest where Runner Susan topped my blog.

May
The pattern of mourning in the morning commute began, I suffered with insomnia, and did some self-examination.

June
I was faced with time alone with myself when the kids went off to camp. The yearning stage of my grieving was kick started. When the family was reunited again, we scattered Tom's ashes on his Birthday. Running continued to be a great distraction. When the pain hit, I tried to get out for a run. My training was now getting intense. But that didn't stop us from taking another vacation.

July
I returned from vacation hearing rumors of another round of layoffs. I tried to stay positive, and then it happened. Not only would there be layoffs; the whole company was shutting down.

August
My youngest turned 9-years-old. My marathon training picked up another notch, and I began the job search. Oh, and I discovered a lump in my breast.

September
Support groups started and before long it seemed that there was nothing else in our lives but bereavement activities. My training started feeling it too. Perhaps it was the intensified grieving or perhaps it was from my blood pressure medications. I packed up my old office, bid my pals farewell, and started a new job.

October
Then, there was my Chicago Marathon experience. It was a great family trip, but the race was disappointing. I began working on plan b as soon after my return home, and consulted the magic eight ball for advice. My grieving has its ups and downs, and the pain still hits me like a giant wave from time to time.

November
One month prior to race day, I was nervous about my dull affect regarding my race. I got through my first wedding anniversary since Tom died, and knew that the holidays were on their way. It wouldn't be easy, but as I tried to notice the gifts that I am left with, I had hope. My breast lump got bigger and had to be taken out. The biopsy results gave me one more thing to give thanks for on Thanksgiving.

December
Another marathon completed, and still no BQ. My sadness increased with another change in seasons, and a three-week break between support group sessions. Santa visited our house. My rash decision led to a black eye. [oh, I forgot to mention that the 1st dog I looked at - the one we actually waited four hours to see - jumped up and put his paw in my eye]. We got a cutie out of the whole deal.

Posted by Juls at 11:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

I’ve noticed myself becoming out of breath in the short runs around the block. It’s been scary to think that I might not be able to run farther than 1 mile at a time without stopping. It’s been 12 days since my last real run. Nobody is counting, right? Oh yeah, I am. Besides becoming noticeably out of shape in a mere two weeks, I’ve been more irritable as well. It all goes to show that I need my runs.

So, today, I laced up my running shoes for a run without my furry friends. It was humbling, and encouraging at the same time. I also pulled out my 2008 calendar to count the weeks until the Napa Valley Marathon. There are only nine weeks until race day and I am registered. I know that I haven’t mentioned this before. This is probably because the act of registering was impulsive and without forethought. I also should add that I have only the goal of finishing in mind.

Of course, you know me better than that. I can say that I only want to finish the race, but I know that I will want more once the race day arrives. How can you strive towards Boston Qualification (BQ) over and over and then just give up? Well, regardless of what happens in my training, and on race day, do know that I have not given up. I am just planning to scale down my training to allow for my new life’s demands (my new job, bereavement support groups, the puppy, single mommy-hood, etc). I am hoping to be ready to announce my attack race by summer. Until then, I am just trying to keep some sanity going.

Posted by Juls at 2:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Recently, when I suggested to YaYa that we go to church, he hemmed and hawed. "All they do is stand up, sit down, and say things that I don't understand," he complained. I completely understood what he meant as that was my experience growing up with the Catholic Church. I find that I am just as lost in the church these days as I ever was. It's a comfortable "lost" but lost nonetheless.

Sadly, we have failed to give our children a strong base from which to grow their belief in God. In our resistance to passing on the "lost" feeling, we have set our children on a path with no tools for finding their way at all. I want to begin to change that in the coming year - for my children as well as for me.

Although, Catholicism is my background, it is Christianity that I want my kids to know. We have recently been trying on a new church. YaYa seems happy with his service geared specifically to children. I, myself, have enjoyed the teachings, but I have also found the experience quite an emotional one.

This new year symbolizes a new beginning for me. It is a chance to create the new life that I have been yearning for. I have been realizing that I have been waiting for it to happen to me rather than making steps to achieve it for myself. I now know that I must stop waiting and begin an active search.

The Bible has always daunted me. In the past, I have felt more confused from it than enlightened. Even so, I picked up a new one during my Christmas shopping and have decided to take it slow in my exploration. This morning, I found the following passage. It's simplicity spoke to me.

1 Corinthians 13:13:4

Love

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Posted by Juls at 9:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (13)