The day was especially emotional.  Although it would seem that I am doing well, I could not help but feel overwhelmed with everything that I've been doing.  Even the successes overwhelm me. 

Busy, busy, busy was my week.  New therapy appointments, school meetings, scheduling therapy appointments, coordinating a few repairs, and work.  It wasn't over by the time 5 pm hit. 

YaYa and I had an appointment to allow him to attend a bereavement camp in May.  It was pleasant but felt long and tiring.  Since it was so far away from home, I felt even more out of touch with BoBo.  The effect was crippling.

I have felt unsettled all night long.  I don't know how to describe it except to say that it feels like my heart is IN my throat - like I am trying to swallow it but it is stuck. 

Now that my ECG and echo have come back within the norm, I suppose I can chalk this feeling up to anxiety.  It's just so unsettling.

Although I have seen that my son is okay, I still cannot shake the feeling.  I don't know how I will survive 2008.  I could have done without the extra day that leap year dishes out.

Posted by Juls at 9:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

The day started out like any other.  I got to work to find my cell phone had been left behind.  No biggie.  I mostly call BoBo on my way home from work but his cell was dead with a charger that has gone AWOL.  Remotely, I turned on my extended absence greeting and went about my day.

Later on, I decided to call my phone to check voicemail.  Much to my surprise, my phone was answered by someone with a strong accent and deep voice.  It seemed that my phone was no longer where I had left it.  Where was it now, and How did it get there? 

What to do?  I pondered a minute.

I’d left my phone by the kids’ computer last night.  Oh course.  If you were a boy, with a dead cell phone, it would be pretty hard to resist having a loaner phone that seemed to be waiting for you.  Especially, when it already had most of your friends’ numbers on it thanks to an overly protective Mom?  It didn't take a sleuth to figure that one out.

Now, how would I get it back? 

The gentleman with the phone ("GWP" for short) spoke Spanglish - a mostly Spanish with a touch of English form of communication.  I could only determine that the phone had been dropped some place near apartments.  My Spanglish, being a mostly English flavor with a touch of Spanish, was of no help in locating GWP's whereabouts.  So much for my 3 years of high school Spanish. 

As I started accepting that I might never get my phone back, I began to worry about my minutes.  I called up Verizon Wireless to discuss my options.  They were more than helpful.  The customer service representative had a Spanish speaking rep call GWP to determine exactly where he was.  Unfortunately, they could not get him to agree to take the phone to a Verizon store. 

I was happy to know where (somewhat) my phone was, but was a bit unsettled about going to get it by myself.  As the rep and I spoke, I looked up the apartment complex on the Internet.  In discovering an office number, and called to ask if they would go get the phone.  I could see why she was hesitant too.  She told me to have GWP bring it to her at the apartment office. 

There was more pondering on my part before I decided to call Verizon again for their translation services.  I realize that it was beyond the scope of their business commitments but it was worth asking.  Once again, they were more than helpful. 

The whole experience makes me rethink my consideration to move to a different cellular provider.  After all, it IS all about the customer service.

By the time, I called the office manager back to tell her that GWP would be bring her the phone, GWP had walked into her office with it. 

*sigh* 

Now, I am left to deal with the reason the phone wasn't in the safety my house. 

Posted by Juls at 8:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

It happened. It was bound to, so I don’t feel badly.

Yes, I missed a day of posting. I could write on the topic that I had considerations about discussing. I could even back date the entry and nobody would be the wiser for it. But, I would rather not pretend to be something that I am not.

My husband knew it. My siblings know it. My children have figured it out too. It is time that you found out the truth as well.

I am NOT perfect.
*sigh*

Posted by Juls at 11:24 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Tonight's evening commute traveled right into my gym.  For the first time, since I joined the gym, all of the treadmills were full.  *sigh*  That is what I get for arriving at 5:30 pm. 

Fortunately, I wasn't there for a run.  I was there to do some weights.  Running was just my preferred cardio activity.  It wasn't my only option.

I meandered over to the cycle section, climbed on, and stared at the screen.  It took me a minute to get it going.  Before long, I was pedaling away.

It didn't take long for me to feel my legs.  I began reading the machine.  It did say cycle, but it also said something about stairs.  I am not sure what it was.  I do know that it was never easy.  In fact, the harder I pedaled the harder it was.  I think this machine may have been programmed to do that.

Twenty minutes later, I was happy to get off the beast and lift some weights.  After a couple of sets, I could see and feel my muscles waking up. 

I love that. 

Posted by Juls at 8:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

This post was NOT written out on time.  It has been lodged in my head, trying to find its way to the computer.  I am now posting it a few days late.

I have been setting up more and more appointments for the kids.   It's all good.  Unfortunately, my calendar is left with very little white space.  I have been trying to find a way to rectify this. 

I've considered dropping my own support group and ask someone else to take YaYa to his.  It would free me to be at work a bit longer.  After more thought, however, I realize that it wouldn't lighten my load enough to leave me without my own therapy.  The cost:benefit ratio does not support the change.

My Wednesday evenings will now consist of leaving work early, followed by YaYa and me attending our group therapy, then rush to pick up BoBo for his therapy downtown.  Somehow, I'll have to find a way to fit homework and dinner into the mix.  McDonalds, here we come.

Oh yea, and DD is setting up YaYa's guitar lessons too.  It was a Christmas gift and him missing would be saddening.  My life is a scheduling nightmare.

Posted by Juls at 10:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Perhaps you have heard of the “do not call list.” It is a list that people can add their names and numbers to that theoretically prevents telemarketers from hounding you with their sales pitches. I believe that my name must have been placed on the “do not hesitate to call list.” The reason for this assumption is that my work phone has been ringing off the hook with recruiters’ calls.

Liken to the telemarketers’ calls, my response is the same: I’m NOT interested. As if it was a sales call (which, in a sense, it is) they continue to fish for more information. I just don’t want to get into the details of why a another job change would just be WRONG for me [i.e. new career, too many big life changes, don’t want to lengthen my commute any further, I have an awesome and understanding boss, and I just plain don’t want to].

I could flatter myself by thinking that I have a great reputation and that everyone wants me. Unlike before my career change, where I had been in the role for several years, this time around I know that this just isn’t the case. I’ve only been doing this for 5 months and I am still learning! I have to think that these recruiters get points ($) for resume submission. Well, they aren’t getting mine. I am just NOT interested.

Now, I realize that it would behoove me to be polite and all of that stuff. I do work at a small company that experienced layoffs as recently as last year. These days, you never know when you might have to call upon others for employment opportunities. It is Silicon Valley after all - the land of layoffs and a very high cost of living. So, without sounding as exasperated as I feel, I thank them for their call, hang up, and then voice my complaint. *sigh*

Posted by Juls at 9:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

One trick to getting back into running, after an extended leave, is to be a good cheerleader. Now, I have to admit, I have not been of good cheer much lately. Desperate times, however, call for desperate measures. It is time to get off my butt and outside for some fresh air.

I thought back to one of my running role models. With only a few words, Marion inspired me to run through “the wall” at Napa 2005. If there was anything that Marion was, it was a good cheerleader. She did it for herself, but shared it with everyone around her as well. Today, with the plan of extending my distance and tackling some hills, I decided that I needed a cheerleader.

The day was incredible – clear, bright, but cool. I made my way out of the parking lot, past my point of injury, and towards the famed “dish.” The first climb had me out of breath. I reminded myself that it always does, and agreed that the run was just about me. With the pressure off, I was able to let everyone else run their own pace. Free from competition, I didn’t worry about who I passed (or didn’t) nor who passed me.

I just ran.

In the beginning, I could feel my left ankle twinge as I climbed the first few hills. It resolved, but later on my left knee began twinge as I descended the hills. I reminded my body to “relax,” take it “nice and E-Z,” and not to fight the hills. The pep talk worked for me. If anyone overheard me, they may have benefited too (just as I did in Napa 2005 when Marion ran past). Soon, I was just running, waving to the people that I passed (who were going the opposite direction), and enjoying the lovely views.

Go JULS ! ! !

Posted by Juls at 2:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

YaYa and I have been spending a lot of time together lately.  He *is* the apple of my eye.  BoBo is too. 

Here he is taking a huge bite out of an apple.  It looks good doesn't it.  That was MY apple.

Posted by Juls at 12:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

"Oh hell" is the name of a funny card game that the Family F likes to play.  Somehow, I've always found a distraction worthy enough of my missing the competitive play.  But when DD and Tash surprised us with a quick visit yesterday, I looked on with interest. 

YaYa seemed to have a knack for winning.  Soon, DD and Tash were throwing down their cards and hitting the road again.  It was short but sweet, and we enjoyed seeming them again.

Today we spent today facing the lens of Lil Sis' camera.  We didn't plan it; it was just another weekend surprise.  Fortunately for me, the kids were willing to play along AND Lil Sis is very good with a camera.  I am thrilled to get the family photos that I had on my Christmas list.  This is just one of many awesome shots.

The weekend was nothing but strange.  In spite of the fact that it was raining miserably, it also ended up being  a lot of fun thanks to the coming together of family.  

Posted by Juls at 7:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

There are times when I seriously regret bring Ronin home. On Friday, after the dogs were alone in the house for about 20 minutes was one of those times. We came home to find BoBo’s Vocabulary book, which he left on the table, in pieces all over the entryway. The culprit could only be Ronin.

Now, image him telling his teacher that his dog ate his homework. Do you think she’ll believe him?!

Posted by Juls at 3:05 PM | Permalink

Splash, splash, splash.  There was no way to avoid the inevitable.  On the sidewalk, in the street, where ever I went the puddles were unavoidable. 

My feet were completely soaked at the 2nd street crossing when I failed to make it over the huge puddle.  Splish.  My miss resulted the soaking of both feet.  One foot by landed in the puddle.  The other from the splash that resulted.  Splash.

Since my running gloves where were among the first of the person items to be destroyed by the dog, they were limited in their ability to provide warmth.  I kept the bare fingers tucked within my fist for protection.  I used them to wipe the rain off my face periodically.

Raindrops feel upon me, soaking through my shirt and tights within minutes of hitting the pavement.  The chill was tolerable but the rain running into my eyes was so cold that it burned.  I kept on moving, reminding myself that running was good for me.  Telling myself that I would be disappointed if I cut my run short, I celebrated the success of bypassing the earlier turn for home. 

I cannot tell you that running felt good.  That would be a lie.  It can say that it was good to be running - just to be able to get out the door and start again. 

In time, running may be an integral part of my life again.  In time. 

Posted by Juls at 5:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I suppose it is a good thing that the weekend is upon us. My mind is moving too fast for me to follow. I am restless and can’t seem to focus on my work. I am disappointed to find that only a few minutes have passed whenever I check the clock at the bottom right of my computer screen.

I don’t know why I am so anxious for the weekend to come. The weekend proves to be another test of my endurance. To top that point, another rain storm is due to hit with high winds that will further threaten the leaning fence. Can’t a California girl like me enjoy a sunny weekend?

I think back to earlier in the week when I sat poolside, at the gym, watching YaYa swim in the pool. He seems to have lost his form where his freestyle stroke is concerned. He wiggles through the water like a little tadpole. I wonder if we’ll spend any time wiggling through the water, pedaling in place, or running to nowhere this weekend. It might just be the thing to sooth my restlessness.

Posted by Juls at 2:48 PM | Permalink

Looking back through my recent posts, I snubbed my own nose at the laziness of my entries. Certainly, posting the contents of a chain letter/SPAM was another Blog 365 copout. My tale of Banana Robbery wasn’t much better (although cute). It was one of those nights when I felt that I must have something to say, but just couldn’t find the right words. I refused to sleep until I had posted a real entry for the day.

I sat in bed writing down whatever thoughts came into my mind, and then promptly deleted all that I had written. As usual, YaYa looked over my shoulder and offering his critique. Realizing that I was self-conscious of my own son, I kept telling him to roll over and go to sleep. He didn’t…so I finally just gave in and we worked on his blog instead.

I know that it is odd for a 9 year old to have his own blog. I let him start one with the hopes that it would help him learn the craft of organizing his thoughts to ultimately become a better writer. Although his participation in Blog 365 seems to push the demands over the top, I assure you that he *wanted* to do it. I even tried to talk him out of it. YaYa takes his participation seriously. He may not publish a post everyday, but he takes pride that has an entry for every day of the year so far. And, even though he doesn’t type the entries, I still think that he is learning a lot about writing. He certainly has an eye for missing commas. I like to think of it as another part of his education. For him, it is a way to stay close to me and his Dad.

It wasn’t until YaYa examined his finished product, carefully checking that every day had an entry, noting the animal of the day, the phase of the moon, and the number of visitors that have hit his site, that he finally rolled over and fell fast asleep. It was then, that my thoughts finally came to me.

Now it's your turn: I am sure that you all have experienced writer’s block on one occasion or another. What do you do? Do you just let it go or are you, like me, determined to somehow find the words? Do tell?

Posted by Juls at 1:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Can you believe that it is nearly the end of February?    One year ago, I found myself in the emergency room (ER) with my husband.  I was fearful that his shoulder pain was some sort of abnormal presentation of a heart attack.  He had some x-rays done, and we were sent home with instructions to follow up with his primary care physician.  Where has the time gone? 

That night, I feared that he was having a heart attack.  I cursed his job for making him work so hard.  I cursed him for not saying no to being overworked.  I cursed myself for not being a strong enough force to make him change.  Little did I know that a heart attack would have been like a blister is to a gangrenous foot.  There's no going back and re-doing our life.  His is gone; we try to move on.

It's now one year later,  and I am still trying to comprehend what has happened to my life.  My children keep me busy; they give me purpose (too much at times).  I have no choice but to plod along.  But I don't forget.  It feels like we are going through it all over again.  I remember the chain of events, the questions, the waiting...just like it was yesterday.

More and more I feel the need to move forward and make some sense out of my life again.  I need to help my children to do the same.  Try as I might, it is hard to put the past behind me.  Perhaps I'll have better luck if I swallow something, other than my pride.  I am open to anything at this point.  Meanwhile, time keeps on ticking.

Posted by Juls at 10:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Do you remember me *ever* saying that I really do HATE the chain letter things? They are kind of like the meme's of email (sort of). The way that many of them differ from the memes (which I don't hate) is that they generally end with some caution to not break the chain - promising good if you were to act and bad if you do not. That is the part that I hate. I don't like putting others in the same situation.

Here's the story. My good friend Rosie just sent me one. It was titled "Just Do It" so I, naturally, figured it had to do with the Nike Women's 1/2 Marathon. I opened the email, discovered that it was NOT about Nike, and now feel obliged to act. Yes, I am *that* superstitious.

Take this as a warning: the message, which must be delivered to seven people, is on the extended entry of the post. Yes, I am wimping out on selecting seven people in my address book to send this to. This is all that I can muster up. Surely there are seven brave and willing souls that can help a gal out with her karma with God.

• To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did"
• When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.
• Concentrate on this sentence: The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.
• Something good will happen to you today.
• Something that you have been waiting to hear.
• This is not a joke; someone will call you by phone or will speak to you about something that you were waiting to hear.
• Do not break! Send it to a minimum of 7 people......... JUST DO IT!

Note: email is the intended medium
Thank you!

Posted by Juls at 8:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

YaYa sat on the couch eating one of the bananas that we’d just brought home from the store. As is always the case, the dogs hovered nearby with long strings of drool hanging from their jowls. I tried to ignore it so that I wouldn’t feel like puking at the sight and, to deter the begging I ordered the dogs to go away. To my surprise, Ronin did go away. Lucky just lay down at my feet. We continued watching television.

Moments later, the big brute that we call Ronin came prancing in with a bundle of four large bananas. He took them over to his bed and was curling up to have his way with them when I removed them from his mouth.

Banana robbery, right before our eyes - The Nerve!

It was darn pretty cute:
I wished I’d taken a picture.
So...
With only one banana left,
I gave it to him to see what would happen.
He didn't know what to do with it.
Poor guy.
Lucky for me though;
Can you imagine the mess?

Posted by Juls at 9:17 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Emotions ran high (again) as I mindlessly walked past video after video.  I wasn't sure what I was looking for.  Whatever it was, I was just hoping that it would jump out at me.

After a third time through, I just picked one up and asked YaYa to do the same.  Moments later, we were paying for the videos, along with numerous late fees for videos that I never rented (although I vaguely remember being in the house). 

It wasn't until this morning that I was able to check out my pick.  I had hoped for being uplifted by a movie titled A Good Year.  I'd never heard of it but the picture of the couple and color scheme on the DVD jacket seemed serene. 

The movie was interesting, yet far different from what I had imagined.  The "good year" reference related to the wine rather than what was going on in this man's life.  It was romantic but more from the landscapes than the story itself. 

Towards the end of the move, I watched the character Max Skinner  as he admired the young woman, Fanny Chenal.  I could not believe how much he reminded me of my husband, Tom.  Then I imagined that it was Tom and me (instead of Max and Fanny) flirting, smiling, kissing, and happy. 

I think, where grieving is concerned, this would be categorized as "yearning."  Perhaps I am making an art of it or, more likely, an obsession.  Regardless, it was nice to feel my heart beating again. 

Then the movie ended and my heart was ripped out of my chest once more.

Posted by Juls at 10:30 AM | Permalink

There is nothing more refreshing than an extra long weekend.  Well...there might be a few things more refreshing, but I can't think of anything else right now.

Posted by Juls at 12:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

This weekend, I have been taking the "be gentle with yourself" order seriously.  I am sure that our livelihood will survive a weekend of laziness, but this cannot continue on for much longer. 

At the moment, I don't care that the laundry is piling up again, or that the dog hair is floating from room to room - collecting up in the corners of the rooms and underneath the furniture.  Oh, there is so much to be done, but I don't care, I tell you.  I DON'T care.

I actually had big plans for the weekend.  I was going to ask the neighbor if I could borrow their carpet cleaner.  I had hoped to shampoo the family room carpet and possibly the upstairs bedrooms if time allowed.  I'd even considered repainting the front hallway. 

Needless to say, I did none of the above.  Instead, I took YaYa to a birthday party and gave running another try.  Now, I am tired - again.  *sigh*

This being "gentle with myself" is hard work.  Thankfully, tomorrow is another day.  Even better, it is a holiday so I don't have to go to work.

Posted by Juls at 3:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

My support groups have not been doing as much for me as they used to.  With two of the girls planning to move out of state, and an additional facilitator, the dynamics of the group has been shifting.  It just hasn't felt very productive recently. 

As much as I have been aware that BoBo might need some additional therapy, I have also been aware of my own needs for something different.  The consideration lead me to a cozy coach in the office of Dr. M. 

It was like starting over in some respects.  The story of Tom's illness and sudden death being retold, my complaints about the Oncologist's misinformation, and so on.  She asked pointed questions and I answered them.  When it was all done she had a few thoughts for me. 

She said that it might be another year before the intensity of my grieving eased up - noting the sudden death as a big factor in the timeframe.  Because of this, she reminded me that I should be easy on myself. 

At first, I found her words comforting; there was a valid reason for my continuing to feel bad.  But, after a bit of time passed, I found myself disappointed that my struggles would not be diminishing just yet.  The thought of another YEAR of this was NOT comforting in the least bit.  Since then I've been trying to remember that there is not way anyone, even the Dr. M, can know just how long the intense grief will last. 

I found myself with a headache, and three screaming boys in my house.  To add to my stress, the neighbors on the other side of the leaning fence have contacted me to arrange for replacing the fence.  Just thinking of the cost sets my mind whirling beyond imagination.  Naturally, a retreat back to bed was in order.  I reminded myself that I need to be kind, sweat, gentle to myself.  After all, it was the doctor's order.

Posted by Juls at 10:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

It has been a little disappointing that my ankle has taken so long to fully heal.  I've tried it out a couple of times. 

While out running with Ronin (the first time running since my injury as well as running with him) I was not aware of any soreness until afterward.  I let a bit of time pass before I tried again.  In the meantime, I focused on my ankle strengthening exercises. 

The second time, my run was on the treadmill.  I managed to get two sluggish, out of breath, painful miles completed.  The pain (only when trying to pick up the pace) was certainly a sign that I need to let more time pass.  Being out of breath was a sign that I have lost fitness.  Even the heart rate reading (181 beats per minute) confirmed this fact.  Although it has always been on the high side, I was disappointed to see it so high at a speed of only 6.5 mph.

I have been reluctant to try again.  The cycle bores me to pieces.  I mean, it's one thing to be running and going nowhere, but to pedal and go nowhere is just wrong.  It doesn't even feel natural.  In the pool, I can feel my ankle twinge when I do the frog kick (breast stroke).  Fortunately, I hate breast stroke, so it isn't a problem. 

After surviving another week of work, I was itching for a little physical activity.  The clock read 5:15 PM and I knew that I would not be able to pick up YaYa, and hit the gym on time to try the Master's Swim class.  I wasn't even sure that I was ready for it.  So I was either going to delay the swim for another hour, risking blowing it off altogether, or I would have to come up with another plan. 

From the road, I called my pal, Cindy.  We agreed to meet up a local park for a walk.  I quickly picked up YaYa, went home for the dogs, and we were on our way.

With the sun setting behind us, we made our way along the path.  I completely relaxed and enjoyed the conversation. 

Correction: I lied.  I have to admit that, in the beginning it wasn't all that relaxing as I was being challenged to a wrestling match with Ronin.  It was a little bit before I had him walking along smoothly.   After that was achieved, we enjoyed a clear night and great company.

These days, I find that it sure can be challenging to get to that "relaxed" state...even physically challenging.

Posted by Juls at 10:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I'll be so glad to have all of the Valentine's Day hoopla behind us.  I mean, really...do people seriously get diamonds just because the calendar says "February 14th"?  I have to wonder what the wedding anniversary's are like for these people. 

All week, the local morning show has been broadcasting people's "most romantic Valentine's Day stories."  Perhaps I am just jealous, but the superciliousness of it all makes me sick.  Tom and I were never big on the holiday or the extra effort of "trying" to be romantic.

We did observe Valentine's Day to some extent but it wasn't in the super romantic sense.  That was just awkward because it wasn't either of our nature.  Generally, Tom and the kids would come home from the store with a bouquet of flowers for me.  They would always be from them.   Of course, I knew who they were really from.  They loved to steal his thunder.

I remember waking up in the morning of Valentine's Day to find a sort of smirk on Tom's face.  It's the sort of look that says, "It's Valentine's Day; doesn't that mean that we need to consummate our marriage again?"  In return, I would laugh and ask why this day would be any different than any other.  This was about the point when one of the children would come running in with their Valentines for us...  *smile*   Didn't I say that they liked to steal his thunder?  ...and Tom would kick himself for not locking the door.

The tables are turned this year, as Tom is now the one who steals the thunder.  He was all that I thought of as I prepared a special dinner of barbecued steak, sourdough bread, and zucchini with cheese melted on top.  I kept my thoughts to myself but I would imagine that they were aware of his memory anyhow.  The meal which I prepared was one that Tom of prepared for us on special occasions such as the last day of final exams, winning a baseball game, or Valentine's Day.  I also lit a candle - not for romance, but in memory of the love of my life (aka "my Valentine").

Posted by Juls at 8:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

By Martina McBride
(seems like an appropriate song of the day)

I sent myself a dozen roses
Right before the office closes
Just to make my girlfriends green with envy
Ever since I lost you
All the crazy things I do
I didn’t even know I had it in me.. oh but

Hey it’s alright.
It’s just another saturday night
Got nobody... got no nothin to lose.
I’m gonna get dressed up and go down town
Live it up and never live it down
Anything’s better than feelin’ the blues
Anything’s better than feelin’ the blues

Do you know what?

I DID buy myself some roses.
I AM having my coffee in bed.
and I will likely cook myself a lovely dinner tonight.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Posted by Juls at 6:56 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

My goal of daily Bible reading has fallen behind lately. This week, YaYa and I tried a new approach: We begin by thinking of a question or concern that we want guidance on. Then we open the Bible to any page and read the passage that appears before us.

This passage was revealed for me today.

Psalm 23

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

And I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

Posted by Juls at 6:48 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Do you remember this post? Its hard to believe that it is a year later. Once again, I find myself in a predicament similar in intensity. Just as before, I appreciate and need the love and support that I am receiving from all of the well-meaning family and friends. I also know that they have no way of knowing how much their “advice” hurts…but it does.

This post is another rant. Like before, the "You" referred to in this post if not any specific person, but rather a compounding of multiple phone calls, voicemails, emails, and energies that I have been struggling with.

You may look on at my actions and wonder when I will strip BoBo of all privileges, force him to play baseball, keep him from using drugs, and make him get good grades. From your vantage point it may seem as if I am allowing him to fail in school, or that I am giving him permission to walk all over me. And you wonder why I don't just lay down the law as you would do.

From my point of view, there is a distinction between you and me. He is my son and I know him best – even now. My actions are out of love for him. I am not allowing him to fail in school; I am supporting him and encouraging him (however firmly), and sending him the message that he CAN do it. I will not force him to play baseball. I cannot enforce an order such as that and hold down my job. Finally, it I take everything away from him, I am powerless to utilize consequences for any poor choice that he might make. There would be nothing for me to take away, and no reason for him to want to get out of bed.

I ask you, for a brief moment, to imagine your husband or wife has died. Imagine waking up each and every morning to the empty spot in the bed beside you, trying to get on with your day in a house where so much pain has been experienced, and making your children do the same. Now imagine that your own kids are 5-6 years older; they are in as much, if not more, pain than you. You feel helpless in supporting them. You are doing all that you can to provide for them, and yet it isn’t enough. Why isn't it enough? It isn't enough because the people, who are supposed to be supporting you through this, are telling you that it isn’t. *sigh*

You cannot even begin to imagine (even if you really tried) what it is like for me. You will never know all of the steps that I am taking, nor the obstacles that I am overcoming, to become the best parent that I can to my sons.

Now, go hug your wife and children, and be glad that it ISN’T you that is going through this…and cut me some slack.

Posted by Juls at 1:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (14)

It's Monday night and I sit here on the floor of the hospice waiting room.  The floor feels solid underneath me.   Solid ground is good; it's something that I can count on.  I lean against the wall, letting down my hair for the first time since this morning's shower.  It is still damp, and probably looks a mess, but removing the clip allows me to rest my head against the wall.  I like being held up; it is a nice change.

I breath deeply and take in the quiet.  All of the support groups are in session.  The doors are closed, leaving YaYa and I to ourselves.  He lies on the floor in front of me, finishing his homework.  It is fun to watch him as he concentrates fully on his spelling, careful to put forth his very best cursive for his teacher.  She calls her students "scholars" and he takes the title seriously.

I want to be quiet enough to hear myself think, but there is no chance in that.  The air blowing through the vent is one of the few sounds that can be heard initially.  If you get quiet enough, however, the cars rushing past on the freeway, the people moving about upstairs, and an occasional laugh (or cry) can be heard as well.  I try hard to hear my thoughts, but instead I am aware of more, and more noises. 

YaYa is now rustling his papers; he is bouncing all over trying to avoid the next assignment.  The janitor is busy emptying the trash cans, someone is walking past the window talking on her cellular phone, and I think there is a T Rex walking around upstairs.  It brings back memories of trying to study in the library and being bugged by turning pages, ticking clocks, and people sighing. 

Oh well, I guess thinking will have to wait for another day.

Posted by Juls at 9:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

...yeilds pretty cool results.

In the digital world, we are spoiled by not having to waste money on unwanted shots. This photo was a nice surprise in a roll of odd shots taken by YaYa when he was away at camp.

Posted by Juls at 3:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

The weather is too lovely to stay inside all day.  Yet here I am in bed still.  It isn't that I am tired; I slept pretty well actually.  I am just being lazy (like a sloth).  I am not ready to face another day...not yet.

Thankfully, it is Sunday - a day of rest.  Church, if we were to go, would be 15 minutes from now.  I think that it is safe to say that we won't be attending.  I have not lost the faith.  I have simply been discouraged and overwhelmed.  I hope that my prayers are still being heard and that God will steer me in the right direction. 

It has been 3-4 weeks since I've attended church.  I think that it is because the fit wasn't quite right.  I liked the people and I liked the message being delivered.  The music was the hard part.  I made me feel uncomfortable and lost.  I longed for the familiar Catholic songs which have always soothed my soul.  So the search will go on, when I can generate the energy for it.

And NOW, I think it is time to put my feet on the floor and get on with the day. 

Dear God: Please watch over us and help us to heal and to find joy and purpose again in our lives.

Posted by Juls at 8:45 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I have been struggling to help BoBo, as well as myself.  My call for help has been getting louder and louder.  Unfortunately, the responses were few and far between.  Even the school has not been ask helpful as I would like. 

Except for the two teachers who regularly respond to my messages, my emails to BoBo's school have largely been ignored. I even tried to explain that I was trying to hold BoBo accountable (with consequences) for every missing assignment.  It wasn't until I talked to the principal that I got any response at all. 

I finally received an email with the grades for 4 of 6  classes.  The email was accompanied with a note that "the parent viewer will show the current attendance and grades."  I responded by telling her that I check the parent viewer daily and that these grades were NOT posted on the parent viewer.  In fact, I added, for 1/2 of the classes there is NO grade posted at all - not one assignment's grade entered.  To this, I did not receive a response.

It is hard not to lose hope in the face of all that is going on.  It seems like my efforts to create change have backfired on me.  It was beginning to feel like no one, even the professionals, were willing to help me.  I was losing hope.  When venting about the number of messages gone unanswered to various therapists in the area, my boss suggested that the one who would eventually return my call would likely be the right one. 

The next day, my cell phone rang and I felt a huge weight lifted from my shoulders.  She was the therapist that my physician had recommended from my own needs, but she knew of the "perfect person" for BoBo to work with.  She said that she would give him my information so that we could get things going.  In the meantime, I set up an appointment for myself to visit with her. 

Later in the day, BoBo's pediatrician returned my call.  He agreed in the recommendation.  Even more reassuring was that all of the doctors seem to concur that the issues which I have been experiencing with him, although normal teen issues (perhaps intensified), are just a symptom of depression following his father's death.  It seems that I am on my way to getting him some help. *sigh* At least I hope so.

I want the focus to be on him healing his psyche.  I'll trust the professionals to deal with the other stuff as appropriate after that.

That was my Friday.  It was good in many aspects but draining nonetheless.  I tried not to worry as much about BoBo being out with his friends.  I tried not to call him every 15 minutes to see if he would really answer the phone when I called.  You have to understand that last weekend really was THAT bad. 

YaYa and I got busy with a game of Monopoly followed by our ritualistic viewing of Friday Night Lights.  It was fun.  Lots of Monopoly money and smiles were exchanged.  At the end of the day, BoBo was home on time. 

I took the boys to the dentist this morning.  Since it is in our old town, I let BoBo hang out with his old friends.  But first, I told him that I loved him, I was concerned about his depression, and that I was talking with his doctor about a therapist (who is supposedly a pretty cool guy who surfs and stuff).  BoBo said, "Okay."  I didn't ask him to clarify the "okay"; I just let it go at that.

It seems that hard times help you to appreciate the good.  However small, I am happy to notice when things go right...even if the "right" is only the calm before the storm.  I'll take the little reprieves and enjoy the sunshine while it is here.

Posted by Juls at 3:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I am sorry, but there isn't anything here for you to read today.  I'm so tired that I can hardly keep my eyes open.  My head is doing the bob thing. 

Good night.

Posted by Juls at 11:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

There are funny sounds coming from the other side of the room.  These sounds are followed by giggling, and I am certain that the air is filling with a foul scent.  Thankfully, I cannot smell anything. 

Due to the strong taste of garlic and wine in my mouth, I am protected from vampires as well as all toxic smells that are accompanied by giggling.  Perhaps it is the wine, but I am thoroughly enjoying the whole thing.

Oh the joys of life with boys.

Posted by Juls at 9:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I left work early today to attend my "group" session.  I cried all the way home as I thought of the past couple of weeks.  It has not been easy for me.  In fact, the emotional drain has been equal to watching my husband dying.  It feels like I am doing it all over again, only this time I am watching my son's life slip away from him. 

My head hurts, and my eyes burn from crying.  My son tells me that he wants to quit baseball because he doesn't enjoy it anymore.  He adds that he doesn't anything anymore.  I know exactly what he means.  I feel the same way.  I pray that his coach will talk him out of it.  I pray that he will give it a bit longer...but I know that it won't change his level of enjoyment.  Nonetheless, I want him to do it. 

When I called him from the home phone, an hour later, he asked why I was home.  He'd forgotten that YaYa and I had "group" today.  I told him that I didn't like my job...so I quit.  There was silence on the line.  If only it were that easy - I'd just sleep away the days until this nightmare was over.  I told him that I was joking.  He told me that he loved me.

The truth was, I rushed home to gather all the coffee mugs which Tom had collected from all of the "dot com" companies he'd worked at.  My plan was to throw them against the fence, thus releasing some of my pent up anger.  If that wasn't enough, I'd hit the dishes next. 

I didn't get very far with the plan.  Instead, I put the collection on the table outside and went upstairs for a hot shower.  It was all that I could do for myself with the time that I had.  That, and my support group session. 

I am constantly being told, "You should do something for yourself."  I try not to let them see me roll my eyes at the comment.  Responsibility looms in every second of my day.  It over takes me, and makes the chore of "grieving" seem insignificant in its wake.

While it is true that I need to take better care of myself, their suggestion of a day at the spa is NOT what I need.  For now, a hot shower would have to do.  Today, a friend put it to me differently.  He was not suggesting a spa day, he suggested that in order to take care of myself, I must "represent myself" the best that I am able.  I cannot easily explain what he meant, but I can tell you that he is right on this one.

It doesn't make it any easier.

Posted by Juls at 8:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

We've heard them refer to today as "Super Tuesday." I get the "Tuesday" reference, although I am searching for the rationale behind the "Super" reference.

I hear all of the hype about it being our “civic duty” to get to the poles and vote, but I don’t whole-heartedly agree with this either. I don’t believe that everyone who will go to the polls today is as informed on the issues or the candidates as they should be.

Take me for example; I’ve never been real big on politics, but I have tried to keep somewhat informed when the elections have rolled around. In the past, this has involved the pumping of Tom’s brain for his analysis on the issues. While it may not be the best form of information gathering, I have not just taken his opinions at face value; we have debated some of the past issues in depth. This year, however, I have been so distracted with getting on with my life (post Tom’s death) that my voter pamphlet is now buried on my kitchen counter. Aside from the ads on TV, I don’t even know what the ballot measures are.

I thought about heading to the polls to only vote for the presidential candidate, but I am now second guessing that as well. While I have some vague understanding of the candidate positions, I don’t feel that I have a strong enough understanding to truly be convicted to my candidate of choice.

It is not our civic duty to get out and vote. It is our civic duty to become informed voters. I have failed to meet this informed requirement. Unless I can shake this sickness characterized as “Electile Dysfunction,” I have banned myself from the polling site until I have found a cure.

Many thanks to Cecile for today's reason to smile
Electile Dysfunction: the inability to become aroused over any of the choices for President put forth by either party in the 2008 election year.

Photo source: http://reinventioninc.blogspot.com/archives/2004_03_01_reinventioninc_archive.html#107832523715640669

Posted by Juls at 9:17 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

The mailbox has been filling with tax related paperwork this past month.  It seems that this year's taxes will require a lot of inputting.  I've begun the attack early as it is likely to take quite some time to complete the task.

I just hope that I get a refund.

Posted by Juls at 9:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

For my Best Shot Monday (BSM) post, I want to share this photo and Congratulate my brother, Robert for finishing his 1st 5K race. I know it wasn't easy, but YOU DID IT.

I am so proud of you.

Posted by Juls at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

With the increased stress raising my blood pressure, I made the decision last week to decaffeinate our household.  So this morning, after another sleepless night, I retreated to the neighbor's house for some regular coffee.  I was a little bit desperate.

The thought of inserting an IV for a constant infusion of caffeine came to mind.  I only allowed myself the two cups that was so graciously served. 

My head still aches, and my body feels very worn out.  I'll hit the pillow early tonight.  My body is due for a good night's sleep.

Posted by Juls at 8:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

It's Friday night again.  I've been anticipating the approaching weekend with dread.  I'm no dummy.  I know that the weekdays are like the calm before the weekend storm. 

The one thing that I can always look forward to on Friday night is the TV show Friday Night Lights.  Somehow, it is comforting to see teenagers, other than my own, experiencing disappointment and troubles.  There issues make mine seem so trivial, and yet...it also awakens you to what could possibly occur if you let down your guard.

So, as the dogs get frisky, I turn on a few lights and wait for my son to return home from his Friday night out. 

Posted by Juls at 9:47 PM | Permalink