We spent the better part of Saturday repairing the drip system in my backyard.  This was a task that could not be put off much longer.  With the days of rain drying up and Summer on the way my plants would soon be suffering badly.  Of course I would not even be in this situation if Ronin never joined the Family F.  Lucky for me, Big Sis came down to talk me through it and give me an assist. 

Once I was confident that water was being delivered to my plants again, I trekked to the local nursery for a few new plants.  It seems that dogs are not the only gardener's curse.  It seems that the boy's soccer and football games were in need of some sacrificial plants.  The places were water was now being delivered to empty spaces told it all.

At the nursery I discovered a whole section that was dedicated to dog food and toys.  I was surprised, though only for a second or two.  Then I remembered that dogs (along with active boys) are one of the driving forces for needing to buy new plants.  It made perfect sense.  I guess that my situation is not all that unusual after all.

The best part is that it saved me a trip to the pet store.  With two large dogs, we go through the dog food faster than plants and drip systems.

Posted by Juls at 5:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I discovered a few things about myself in the short time that I was on my blogging leave (or sabbatical). I discovered just how much I thrive on communication. There is a level of feeling connected to a greater whole that I have been missing.

After Tom died, I tried to fill my emptiness with, what appeared to be a means of gaining this feeling of being connected. I joined several social networks (My Space, Facebook, & Twitter) and then waited for the feeling of belonging to magically appear. It works for my son, so why not me.

Well, that feeling never came. Instead of feeling like I fit in, I felt more like a high school student that has not been included in the clique of popular girls. Recently, I have been laughing at myself - out loud even. I have since remembered that in high school, I was never a part of the popular girls because I was different. I was one of the jocks, and proud of it.

More than feeling like I didn’t belong, the social networks also made me feel vulnerable. While I easily made the decision to take leave from this blog, after having my words appear on another site (without adequate credit), I remained on these networks. The feeling of alienation grew, because it is YOU that I feel connected to and it is HERE that I get that acceptance.

I began to rethink my leave. I also re-thought my membership on the social networks. I then deactivated those accounts.

I cannot say how often I will blog here. My participation in Blog 365 is not important anymore, but my communication to and from you (my friends) IS.

Speaking of friends:
I was really bummed out last October, when I met up with my running friends (virtual and RLFs) at the Nike Woman’s Marathon Expo in San Francisco. I was so bummed, that I swore I would jump on the registration ban wagon as soon as registration opened for this year’s event. Then the email came. I clicked over to the website to read about the new “lottery” approach to registration. My initial, and lingering, thought was, “That SUCKS!” I then boycotted the registration until I found out whom else in my circle of virtual and RLFs (Real Life Friends) was entering the lottery.

Well, I forgot about it, until today, when I discovered that registration for the lottery has been closed. Phooey! Perhaps I should have posed the question earlier, but I was too ticked off to care at the time. Now, any hope of registering has past.

But, I still would like to know:
• Who registered for the lottery?
• Who got into the event?
• Did anyone choose to register as a group?

Posted by Juls at 12:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

                        ..has it's rewards.

The best thing about not changing dentists when we moved away is that it puts me so close to my old running trail that I *have* to go there afterwards.

Oh poor me, trail running in the middle of the week.  And with my pearly whites all polished up, I had plenty to smile about.

Posted by Juls at 3:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I’ve been getting emails all week from family, friends, and blog acquaintances that are all acutely aware of the time of year. Because of this, I am taking this reprieve from my sabbatical to provide you with this update.

It is true; four seasons (one calendar year) have passed since my husband died. I am comforted by the caring thoughts of so many people (many whom I have never even met). While the spectators from the blog-o-sphere are aware of the date, those that we come in contact with on a daily basis remain clueless. Perhaps if those around me were avid readers of my blog, they too would be better informed of the grieving road map. I can’t blame them really. I haven’t taken much time to educate them. I haven’t had the energy to do so.

Recently, I did manage to get the word out to the schools regarding the 1-year anniversary of our loss. YaYa has been showing obvious struggles all week. His inability to do things such as write in a straight line, draw nicely, and retain focus, have been telltale signs of this. I am sure the phenomenon is hitting the whole of Family F in one way or another.

I have noticed my own suffering from a lack of performance. I’ve been worthless all week. My mind has constantly been straying off-task, and my motivation seems to be at an all-time low. Somehow, although I am not sure how, my work has been getting accomplished. I have also managed to get out and run. It has only been once this week but it is a start, and the week is still young.

It’s not that I feel bad, really. On the contrary, I feel pretty good considering everything that is come and gone recently. I am just tired, Oh SO Tired. The time change has added to the funk. We climb into bed between 8:30 and 9:00 pm and then fight to get up by 7 am, when we should be up at 6:15 am. Sunny spring evenings are something that I have always enjoyed about this time of year. I love the sunshine and the feeling of endless leisure at the end of my day (even if it is a façade). Come morning, on the other hand, it is a completely different story. This is where my love for the time of year quickly turns to hate as I MUST have sun to help me wake me up in the morning. If the sun can sleep in, I should be able to as well.

Since I know that many of you are wondering, I have decided to take the anniversary day off. We plan to enjoy a day of rest, while engaging in a few remembrance activities. I hope that some further healing will come of it.

Now that you have been updated, I will return to my blogging sabbatical.

Posted by Juls at 11:12 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

My life has gotten a bit too public lately.  Apparently, it is so public that my words are straying to other sites without my permission.  Not only that, but someone else was given the credit. 

For this, and other reasons, I have decided that it is time to take my blog "offline" for a bit.  I am taking a leave of absence. 

I realize that you, my loyal readers, may be lost forever.  I hope, however, that this will not the case.  I have greatly appreciated your supportive comments, especially over the past year. 

Please comment to this post so that I am sure that I have the link to your blog.  That means that lurkers may need to reveal yourselves again.  If you don't have a blog yet, perhaps it is time to start one.  I will do my best to stop by your blogs and comment from time to time. 

I hope to return to public disclosure in a month or two.

Until then...

Posted by Juls at 7:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (35)

This picture was taken on a sunny day in December. As you can see, there is no snow falling where we live. Our mild California weather is conducive to all sorts of fun activities year-round.

Seeing the boys in the front yard playing football is a sight to be seen. There has been many a day where YaYa's little buddies will come over to play ball with YaYa and BoBo. With the recent rains, these memories are just a blur. I look forward to more of those days, as well as basketball in the street in the coming months. At least, I hope for this to occur more.

I've always liked this photo. I especially love the blur of the Christmas tree.

Speaking of football, I signed YaYa up for Pop Warner Football over the weekend. After a year of resisting, I have finally given in. Perhaps it will encourage BoBo to pick it up again. I have until the fall to prepare myself for it.

Posted by Juls at 9:34 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I was very subtle in the way that I told you that I started taking an antidepressant.  I thought that medicine would reduce my bouts of anxiety, and lessen my trips to the emotional gutter.  I may have been wrong.

This weekend was ever so anxiety ridden.  Sure, I had reason to be anxious, but my depression was over the top as well.  In the back of my mind, I have been wondering if the medication has instigated a change of the wrong kind.

In my distraught state, I retreated to Lil Sis' house.  We ended up going for a hike in the hills near her home.  There is nothing like fresh air, and a little bit of sunshine to bring new light to my dreary thoughts.

Thanks, Lil Sis, for shining on my cloudy day.

Posted by Juls at 8:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

For those of you who have, or have had, teenagers you know that these years are stressful and trying.  Why then, you may ask, did I bring a second teen home?! 

Yes.  You heard me right.  A second teenager.

He is big, black and hairy.  He is a big pain in my hind quarters. 

He is also cute and sweet, but he reminds me of unkept promises.  I always knew that BoBo would not be coming home early to play with the dog, as promised.  So too, I knew that it would be me walking him, training him, picking up after him.  Even though I knew this, I am still resentful.  I have another adolescent who leaves a wake of messes in his path, and I have no time to deal with it.

Posted by Juls at 8:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

It seems strange that the month of March has arrived already.  The whole family slept in this morning.  Me, I slept until the late hour of 9 am. 

The sun was shining gloriously when my feet finally hit the carpet.  It shone through my windows to let me know that spring is nearly here.

Thanks to our neighbor, who has been babying our roses since Tom was sick last year, the first of the spring roses has made its arrival.  Soon, there will be a new baby arriving on our street too.

Time continues to move forward; we will march forward as well.

Posted by Juls at 10:00 AM | Permalink