I thought about my blog post, and how I would describe my run. I worked out the little phrases I'd use and the descriptions of how I felt as I plodded along. All of those thoughts have since escaped me. I have only the following dull description of my run for you:

Having not been able to join the team for this weekend's coached run, I made plans to do my long run early. After all, what good is a vacation if you cannot go long on any day of the week. Wendy had graciously offered to have YaYa over while I did the deed. I left straight from her home in the effort to make the best of the time available.

Just prior to the starting out, I pulled out my iPhone to select the entertainment. I was a little disappointed to find my playlists had not transferred when I switched the computer which I sync it with. I decided that a sampling from my entire music selection would have to do.

With my varied taste in music playing in one ear, and the blowing wind playing in the other, I set out towards the trail. The music acted as a backdrop to the thoughts that went in and out of my head. I evaluated how I felt about the various things that entered my mind. Was I still angry, sad, or frustrated? There was a familiarity with this exercise. It was nice to come into the present. Sometimes a song would trigger a thought, and other times it helped me to escape one.

I wasn't breaking any records during this run, but I felt good during the majority of it. I kept to the dirt whenever it was available, and kept my pace nice and easy. My only consideration was to be back at a reasonable time for Wendy. I sent her text message updates from each of my gel stops.

As far as my knee went, I only felt a twinge on only a couple of occasions. The first was as I stepped up onto the sidewalk, from the trail, while stopping for gel. It was no different than the feeling I get when entering my own house. Another time, I felt it as I was starting up again.

Around mile 10, the "bonk" began working on me. There were several suspects to blame for my bonking. First off, I could blame my light breakfast. I have not had much of an appetite before my long runs during this training season. Secondly, I only had two packets of Hammer Gel with me. Taking into account my light breakfast, three gels would have allowed more frequent fuel replacements. Rather than water, or Gatorade, I was trying out Perpetuem. Given all of the other factors, I cannot tell whether it had a positive or negative effect on my during this run. I can say that having it, gave me a false sense of security fuel-wise. The final suspect for my bonking was my lack of exercise during the past two weeks. This is nothing that I would change; my knee needed time to recover.

Needless to say, I was not interested in doubling back on the trail when my mileage came up short. I decided that a 14 mile run would be adequate and, if I felt that 16 miles was required, I would do a short run later in the day. This proved to be a wise choice as my stomach began cramping with gas pains and I was beat. I collected up YaYa (who had a fabulous time with Wendy's son), and headed home for some post-run pampering which included a nice long nap.

Posted by Juls at 8:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

There hasn't been a lot of running going on since my knee started ailing me. I skipped my long run and didn't do much in the way of cross-training. By the time the track workout rolled around, my knee pain and popping had quieted down considerably.

Earlier in the week, I had managed to talk BoBo into joining me at track. Not only did I want to show off my boy, I also wanted him to kick some 20-something year old arse. My hopes, however, were knocked to the ground when the boy failed to lift his own tushie up high enough to clear a large rock which rope swinging. The resulting abrasion would not only prevent him from running comfortably, it would also prevent him from sitting. I made him tag along anyhow.

The workout started off-track with a 15 minute warm up on the trail. We returned to the track for your drills and dynamic stretching. Afterwards, we began a fartlek workout that was whistle driven. During this workout, the coach blew the whistle signaling us to run fast. He then blew it again for the runners to slow down. The whistle blowing continued at random intervals for 30 minutes.

I only felt my knee during the warm up run. I hit the track ready for an intense workout. I had wanted to show my son how hard I was trying to get back into shape. It was funny, but I wanted his approval. So, I was a little disappointed when he grabbed the keys and retreated to the van. Even though it was cold outside, and he didn't have a jacket, I wanted him to stand by and watch.

I quickly got over the disappointment of my teen acting like a teenager, and got on with my task at hand. Once I figured out that the longest interval was only 1 minute, I was able to push myself even harder. And I was pleasantly surprised when I came up the straight to see BoBo standing on the sidelines watching me. He'd found my spare jacket in the van, and came back out into the cold. I smiled, waved at him, and kicked a little 20-something year old arse.

Posted by Juls at 8:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

The time has come for all of the TNT participants to complete and turn in their recommitment forms. The term "recommitment," in the TNT world, means that each of us will pledge to raise the minimum amounts required to participate in our chosen events. For those who have not yet reached the minimum amount, a credit card authorization must be signed to guarantee the amount pledged. Thankfully, I do not fall into this category.

Along with the recommitment form, are other forms to complete. First, and most important, is the registration form for our event. The form captures the usual information along with information on pace, and estimated finish time. There is even an option for a early start (for those walking marathoners traveling at a pace of 15 minutes per mile or slower). This is a TNT participant exclusive that allows those who would not otherwise be able to enjoy this, an opportunity to participate. Although I am sure that the hills will have a negative effect on my time, I entered an estimated finish time of 4 hours. Goals must be set, and this seems like a reasonable goal to strive for.

Then there are the hotel accommodations, which are made for a generous two-nights stay. I can think of only 2 other times where I stayed at the hotel on the night after the race (Napa 2002, and Grandma's 2006). Staying a 2nd night is such a luxury, especially given the proximity to the race from my home. It's not like my race is on the opposite coast. Even after Chicago 2007, I traveled home on race day.

As participants, we are required to share our room with another member of our team (cost fully covered), unless we pay an additional change for our own room, or to have a guest or two join us. Wendy and I are trying to work out an arrangement for two rooms where her husband, family, and Ryan can stay in one room, and Wendy and I can stay together on the night before the race. After the race, we can stay with our own families. My biggest consideration, regarding Ryan, is football and school. There are too many unknowns to try to take into consideration.

Then, there are the the parties and transportation. TNT hosts a pasta party the night before, and a victory party the night of our race. Guests are allowed to join us but, of course, there is a fee. After all of the time spent with these great folks, it would crazy not to join the celebration. I also think that it is important to share this with Ryan (who has sat on the sidelines cheering and patiently waiting through many of the training events).

Continue reading "Recommitment" »

Posted by Juls at 1:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

On Tuesday, after our hill repeats, the "team" took over Pedro's restaurant for a pep talk on the "long run."

My attendance was more for bonding with my teammates than anything else.

It was round table discussion, lead by one of the coaches. Topics such as laying out your clothing the night before, knowing the climate where you are running, what to (and not to) eat the night before, and the morning of, and what to bring on the run. Also mentioned, was skin protection from chaffing, blisters, elimination issues/planning, and post run measures to aid in recovery.

The experience runners shared what worked for them, as well as what didn't. It was evident that everyone was different. For example, a glass of wine helps one runner relax the night before, but causes dehydration for another. Similarly polarized was the use of coffee or dairy products on the morning of the long run. One person's routine was another person's taboo.

The talk was entertaining, the food was good, and the company was great.

Posted by Juls at 8:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

The alarm sounded entirely too early.  I rolled out of bed, plodded to the bathroom, and headed for coffee.  I was so glad that I slept in my running clothes; I don't know how I'd have been ready on time if I hadn't. 

I wondered when I stopped being a morning person.  Every day, it's hard (both mentally and physically) to get out of bed.  Normally, I take it slow, sipping my coffee and checking emails until I finally am ready to face the day.

Today was different.  There was no time to adjust to the morning.  A short 20 minutes later, I was off for my weekly Buddy Run.  This week, my Buddy Run consisted of an actual person, and I was late to meet her. 

My buddy, apparently, does not have the same morning issues as me.  She was full of spunk, and greeted me with a contagious cheerfulness.  Together, we ran through the park.  And when she asked the question of how Tom died, I told her.  She listened intently as I retold the unfolding of his cancer, until the point where he died.  I told it the same abruptness that it happened, and my new buddy stopped in her tracks and began to cry. 

Continue reading "Just getting out of bed is hard" »

Posted by Juls at 10:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

I received notification of your donation to my LLS fundraising. I do not know if your donation was posted as "anonymous" on purpose or in error. Either way, I would like to say Thank You. The following is the starting point for my thank email, which I try to modify slightly for each person. Please, know that I am truely grateful for your support.

Continue reading "Dear Anonymous," »

Posted by Juls at 8:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

It's been about 6 weeks since I began training with TNT. Since the beginning, I've frequently been hit with the "how do you like it?" question. Each time, I find myself a little uneasy. I am uneasy with my feelings still or rather, I am uneasy with the reaction that I expect to receive in response to the feelings that I have had.

I suppose my uneasiness is because I think that people want to hear that I love TNT, and that I have made loads of new friends. Although I do enjoy it, I do not feel like I have made many "friends". I have met some really nice people – people that I would love to one day call my friends. If only I could remember their names better. I’m great with faces and details about people, but I really suffer in the name department. This is nothing new for me; people tell me their name and by the time they walk away, I have already forgotten it. I discovered last Tuesday that the girl that I’ve been calling Amy is actually Tracy. Eek! If I could just let the names sink in, perhaps the relationships would evolve from the acquaintance stage to something more, but it is hard to get to get to know people when you are out of breath from a hard workout.

So YaYa and I stayed after Tuesday’s workout for another one of the Hang with the gang (HWTG) dinners. We had a great time and it was nice to have YaYa with me for part of the night (instead of on the bench with his DS). They had a drawing and I banked another seemingly meaningless fact about my teammates. Fact: There are 3 participants named Wendy.

Since I still feel alone in a crowd when I arrive to training events, I was hoping that staying for the HWTG dinner would help to change this. What is most troubling about my inability to connect, is that I remember being different; I remember thriving for this exact environment. Now, I watch the people that are most like the girl that I used to be; they are the ones whom I hope to befriend.

At times, I try to be the old Julie, but it feels foreign and fake. I do not want to make new friends based on who I was. The problem is that I don't yet know who I have become. More aptly put, I don't think that she has arrived yet. The emptiness from Tom’s death is still so strong, and it overshadows any moment of joy with a little bit of numbness. A loss, as great as the death of a spouse, leaves a cavernous void behind. Try as I might, I cannot seem to fill this void.

The funny thing is, I don’t think that I appear to others in the same way as I feel on the inside. I mean to say that I must not have a “don’t talk to me” wall up. This is reassuring. Last night, I began talking to a man at the pool as I stood at the wall trying to relieve my eyes from the trauma of too much chlorine and forgotten goggles. Being the HOT day that it was, the pool was filled and the weather was a topic frequently discussed. In the short time that we were talking, I mentioned that I’d been running at a group track workout the day before and, coincidently his wife had done the same. “Team in Training?” he asked. Well, it turns out that his wife is one of the Wendy’s on the team. Who knew? Now, while this conversation was going on, YaYa was chatting it up with his son, and this morning YaYa announced that he hopes to see his new “friend” at the pool again and at the next track workout. Just like that, my son has a new friend. I am happy that he is seemingly okay in this arena.

Just as I am evolving, my running has been changing too. Although I look forward to my runs, in general running does not seem to provide the same outlet that it used to. It's a trade off from letting go of the “need” to run (a change which my life insisted that I make). Being able to enjoy my weekly solo run has helped me to better enjoy the TNT group runs. There is so much meditation that is done during those lonely miles. I believe that this is where I will find the new me...in due time. For now, I will run with my virtual "buddy" until the point in time that I find the buddy in myself which I am searching for.

As for my potential TNT buddies, there is still a lot of time to learn their names and connect. During the coming weeks, YaYa and BoBo will both be away at the same time. This will leave me plenty of time to be alone with myself (and the dogs). Not only will I be able to join the gang for a few of the organized buddy runs, but I might even hook up with Wendy for a local run. Hopefully I will be able to enjoy a few of the post-track HWTG dinners and get to know a few of my teammates a little better.

Continue reading "Still searching" »

Posted by Juls at 5:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

There are numerous opportunities to get together with other TNT participants for the Thursday Buddy Runs. Since my schedule does not allow for joining up with the gang, I summoned my favorite running partner for my Buddy Run.

One of the great things about Ms. Garminia, is that when I am game for a little friendly competition, she is game. It is great to know that I can count on her “virtually” all the time. Garminia can be very in-your-face on these competitive runs. She likes to remind you just how far, and how much distance ahead of you she is. Because of this, I have not invited her to play for quite some time now.

Today was different. Like a caged animal that is finally let loose, I had much energy to burn. I was anxious to accelerate right from the start. Garminia did well to always keep me within her reach. She actually held onto my wrist for the entire run. This may have bothered others, but Garminia and I have that sort of a partnership. It’s me and her all the way to the finish.

So when I stopped to drink water, Garminia also stopped even though she didn’t ever need a drink. This made it easy for me to keep the lead, although I had visions of her leaving me in the dust in final mile.

When we came to the hill, towards the end of the run, she *did* catch up to me. I really had to turn on the burners in the final stretch. I couldn’t shake her, but I did manage to squeak in just ahead of her.

She is already talking about our next run. She says that if she had another mile, she would have passed me for sure. She’s probably right. The heat was starting to get to me, but I didn’t let her know that. I just smiled, enjoying the moment of victory, and said, “We’ll see about that.”

I sure do love running with my Ms. Garminia. She can join me for all my Buddy Runs.

Continue reading "Buddy Run" »

Posted by Juls at 1:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

My mind is swimming in a wide range of thoughts. I propelled my body through the water for the purpose of touching the wall and turning back again. As the pool floor moves past, the thoughts move in and out. I lose track of my lap count. So much of it is a blur, and yet the feeling isn't anything new.

I suppose that it is more self protection than anything - this numbness that I so often feel. There is so much going on behind the scenes. Sometimes, I wonder if it would be easier to just leave the curtain up and let it all be exposed. But I swore that I wouldn't do that.

Instead of letting it all ooze out onto my blog, I have been sharing my secret life with my shrink. She enters it into her notes and, when I am least expecting it, one of my other doctors brings it up. "You have gone through so much", they say, and they are impressed at how well I have endured.

I really don't have any other choice. Do I?

I have really tried not to let myself get overwhelmed by the helpings of responsibility that I have loaded up on. It was all my doing, after all. Well the recent helpings were. There is a fine line between keeping busy and too busy. Tonight, I try to wash it all down with a little wine. Perhaps the wine will help me to digest it all.

Continue reading "Swimming" »

Posted by Juls at 9:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

It was too late to join the Masters, thus too early to go to the gym. We headed home instead to walk the dogs, and complete various other tasks that need to be done. It's true, my training isn't all that rests on my shoulders these days. YaYa was thrilled to be able to play with his friends AND go swimming with me. He rushed off to his friend’s house as soon as we arrived at home.

YaYa came back a few minutes later asking for his swimsuit. I fought back the urge to forbid him to swim at the neighbor’s house, fearing that I would never get him back for our “planned” swim at the gym. Think about it: splash around with your friends vs. swim at the gym while your Mom swims laps (thus ignoring you). We agreed that he would swim at his friends for 1 hour and then we would go together to the gym.

When we arrived at the gym, the pool was packed with kids everywhere – even in the lap swim lanes. *groan* I guess I wasn't the only one who was waiting for the Masters' to finish up. YaYa hopped in while I went to change.

Minutes later, we slipped into a lane where only two kids were milling about at the other end. I began my first lap, and swam past the kids with hopes that they would get the idea to move their play to the rec. swim area. By my third time past, I came upon them just as they slipped under the lane line. I continued back and forth, passing YaYa as he swam laps at his own speed. I paused at the wall for a minute to check on him when he stopped. By this point, he was done. He, too, slipped out of my lane and played around for a while in the rec. area beside me. I could smile at him (under water) as I passed him.

The instructions on the TNT calendar to cross-train called for 20-40 minutes of activity. I think that I was supposed to do some strength exercise too, but really wasn’t sure. Besides the fact that I read that we are doing some strength at today’s track workout, who wants to dry off, change into workout apparel, and go pump iron? Not me. So, I figured that I would “just” swim laps for 40 minutes. Although I was swimming at an easy pace, it was not all that easy to “just” swim for 40 minutes straight. It was BORING. Every few laps, I would glance up at the clock, groan, and return to my swimming. But, as the time wore on, I too was getting worn too (mentally but not physically). I began adjusting the goal, as I dreamed about cycling for my other cross-train day. It is hard to go from running only to 40 minutes of any other activity. I finally settled on a revised goal of 30 minutes of swimming. I even counted my finishing with 33 minutes as a 3-minute “bonus,” instead of a failure to reach the 40-minute goal.

At the end of the day, both YaYa and I were pretty tired. We were still tired when morning rolled around. It’s a sign that training has indeed begun.

Posted by Juls at 1:00 PM | Permalink

My decision to join forces with Team In Training (TNT) was not an easy one.  Actually, it was 21st Century Mom's suggested way into the 2008 Nike Women's Marathon.  I was apprehensive, but I soon realized that the idea had its merits. 

I gathered a bit more information about what my participation with TNT would require of me.  Realizing that raising money for any cancer is cannot be bad, I made the leap and signed up. Knowing that my next marathon with be #13, I figure that this is one way to make bring some "good" (if not luck) to the number.

I have to admit that I was very nervous about joining TNT.  I hate asking for money - even if the cause it worthy of funding.  So I sent my emails out and prayed that people would forgive me for asking.  I knew that there would be a few recipients who recognize the cause as worthy, and who would be able to help ensure that I would not have to fork over my committed amount in October. 

I am thrilled at the response.  It appears that my fundraising efforts are paying off.  I am nearly to my commitment amount and I am so relieved.  A huge THANK YOU to all of you who have contributed. 

EVERY donation, no matter what the size is huge.  It ALL makes a difference. 

If you are feeling left out, it is not too late.  To donate on my behalf to the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, simply click on the TNT icon above.  I have only about $550 left to raise, and anything after that is icing on the cake so to speak.

Now that the hard part is nearly done, I can relax a little.  It is time to get excited about running again.  The TNT "kick off" event is set for May 31st.  Then I will  officially be training with TNT for the 2008 Nike Women's Marathon (my 13th marathon), meeting other runners, and hopefully making some new friends too.

Click the TNT icon to visit my fundraising page.

Posted by Juls at 8:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

It was a conscious decision to leave my workout bag in the car Friday morning.  I was sick of tripping over the bag in my office each day and never getting the chance to pick it up until the day's end.  Day in and day out, the bag would simple get moved from place to place, but the contents were never removed.  I wasn't going to do that again.  If the opportunity presented itself for a run, I'd have to go fetch my bag. 

A few hours later, I was on the phone with Simone at Team In Training (TNT).  Like magic, as soon as I signed the dotted line, I was moved to start making changes.  At lunchtime, I *did* retrieve my bag for a little hill work (aka humility run). 

My mind was filled with thoughts about the training season that will not be "kicked off" until May 31st.  Still, I had reason to be motivated; I needed to quickly rebuild my base and get back up to speed.  Yes, already the pressure was starting (self inflicted of course).  I want to be placed in the FAST training group so that I will always be pushed towards my best. 

And with the (self inflicted) pressure on, I ran Thursday, Friday and Saturday.  I nearly ran today but my body thought otherwise; my shins were a little tender during my Saturday run.  Instead of running, I cleaned out YaYa's closet as well as the shed, I did a few loads of laundry, and moved some furniture around. 

My final task was to restock my bag with clean running apparel for tomorrow's run.

* A special thanks to those of you who have helped to kick of my 1st TNT experience by donating.  You are the best!

Posted by Juls at 8:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)