…. i started this blog almost 5 years ago, and have finally come to the conclusion that its time to move on.
the people i met, the voices that spoke to me everyday through comments and emails and sometimes even phone calls and personal visits — they helped change the course of my life.
i will miss this. my corner of the world. its taught me a lot about who i am, and who i want to be.
thank you for visiting. i hope the stories and posts i’ve chosen to keep active make you laugh, make you think.. maybe even make you cry..
but mostly i hope you find inspiration in them, to.. if nothing else…
lace up and go for a run! because thats how all this started. and it really is how it should end.
ok first of all, might i just say, that ever since my bone grafting surgery, my lip is all weird, and when i smile, i look like a cat, and not in a good way!?
it being holiday season.. and thus party season… and thus picture season…
this cat face ugly upper lip smile thing that i have is going to slowly put me into a state of depression. i used to love my smile. now i have to bob and weave around parties to try not to get my picture taken.
in other, slightly more upbeat news…
the dude and i went running today.
heh. hehehehehe. HA!
so yeah. the dude decided a couple days ago that we should go running together… he’s supposed to be training for the same half-mary that i am (and by “am” i mean “supposed to be training but have not been”. clearly.) and while i tried to wiggle my way out of it..
i could not do. he wanted to run, and i’m known as a “runner” now around these parts, so scoffing at the idea and suggesting we sleep in instead really wasn’t going to do.
son of a bitch.
cuz “runner”… is a term i use very loosely. it is, in fact, a term i almost never use. after the bone graft i was layed out for almost an entire month in a mostly horizontal position, so running, in general, is something i’m still trying to work back into the regular routine.
KC boy.. the dude is.. as i’ve mentioned… one of those athletic fit muscley boys that i sometimes want to just walk up to and punch merely becaues i’m jealous of their metabolism — and so, i assumed…
homeboy prolly runs a wee bit faster than me.
I WAS WRONG!
we didn’t do anything crazy… ran just at 4 miles and whatever. it was running.
its pretty basic stuff.
BUT! when you’re a girl (or maybe a boy, too) and running with someone you perceive to be a bit “out of your league”, in whatever way you want that to mean… you DONT want to spend the entire run huffing and puffing and not able to keep up.
so when the run started.. and i wasn’t immediately left in his dust.. i almost didn’t know what to do.
am i holding him back? does he want to go faster than this? should i try and push the pace so i don’t look like an out of shape hag!? should i just follow his lead!?
.. i was a little unsure of how to proceed.
eventually though, i got into my usual rhythm and suddenly realized… hey WAIT a sec. this… this pace is slower than i usually run.
I THINK I’M FASTER THAN HIM!!!!!
once i realized it to be true, i enjoyed every step of the rest of that run. and, being the somewhat evil chick that i am… i pushed the pace just a wee bit faster than i was even comfortable with a few times…
just cuz i could.
when we neared the end… it was such a gloriously amazing AWESOME day, and it’d been such a long time since ive run outside, i asked if he’d mind if i went ahead — and so i did.
i gave him major kudos for not trying to be some hardass that had to try and show me up and just was super content to go let me do my thing. and when we were done.. i got a small little chuckle out of it when he said… between breaths… “uhh. i think you’re faster than me. i was definitely holding you back. i could tell”.
“what?! no. absolutely not. that was a great pace! i don’t know WHAT you’re talking about”
hee hee hee.
afterwards we stopped by some outdoor restaurant to see a buddy of his and then walked the rest of the way home.
it was hot, and he was way over dressed, so.. as we were heading back to his place he just ever so non-chalantly decided to go ahead and take off his shirt.
and as i tried my hardest to not be too terribly obvious about checking him out i had to smile to myself and think…
okay dammit. he wins. he is WAY hotter than me.
but ya know what… fuck it.
I’M STILL FASTER THAN HIM!
there was a quote i found… about two or three days after my wreck… that i’ve been hanging onto lately.
its been what i keep jokingly referring to about the state of things in my life, in a well. how could they POSSIBLY get any worse!? type of way, although for a while there…
i kept asking, and it was like Life heard me and responded by saying..
“oh, you don’t know!? LET ME SHOW YOU.”
life’s a bitch, folks. she’s a cold hard bitch.
but her and i have had it out a bit lately, and i think she’s finally, at least thinking about coming around to my side.
bitches gotta stay together, you know!
so — the quote.
i was going to leave it for later.
i was going to see if i actually ever did hit rock bottom, and then as soon as things started to look up — i was going to reveal it as hey!! its only up from here!!
but then yesterday happened and i realized maybe instead of waiting around for it… guessing, supposing, figuring that there was more to come and all i can do is sit back and let it happen to me, i realized…
wait THE EFF a second. this is MY life. I’M in charge here — so eff you. and eff you too.
and at the very moment that things could have either gotten a whole hell of a lot worse, or perhaps maybe they were going to get better…
i decided not to wait around long enough to find out.
and i chose better.
THE LOWEST EBB IS THE TURN OF THE TIDE. — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.
its nothing much. its an old quote by an old poet. written a really really long time ago for who knows what or who.
it spoke to me.
and it speaks to me.
and while i’d like to think there is only one low… that once it turns, it’s turned for good… i know that’s not so.
i know as hopeful and excited and calmed and content as i am right now, in this moment — i wont always be.
yesterday’s feelings of despair, and grief.. feeling unwanted and unloved.. questioning what beauty i may have ever had and doubting i will ever have it back —
those feelings are not gone for good. they will appear again. i know that.
this quote.. and this day…
they give me hope.
and sometimes, hope, is really all you ever need.
a pair of running shoes.
and the wind.
i just ate a giant bowl of mac n’ cheese, and let me tell you…
someone suggested it to me last night… all nice and squishy and easy to chew on my back molars. i thought.. why not give it a shot!? and i did.
AND IT WORKED!
i’m so full i think i might puke. i never eat mac’n cheese. not exactly on the quasi-zone diet that i try to live by but dammit… i don’t give a damn.
i CHEWED. i chewed REAL (processed) FOOD!
i got it all over myself. its not easy to get gooey cheesed up shells from the spoon to the mouth without using your lips, so i feel like a fourth grader who needs a bath after eating and making a mess, but…
i. am. so. full.
in other news.. i went to the dentist today.
i was scared outta my mind. i was set to get a mold of my upper jaw, for some temporary dentures, and.. i was so scared.
my gums are far from healed right now and the thought of that tray of goop you have to bite down on… not to mention my lip being squished onto the metal plate..
no thank you.
i warned my old roommate, who volunteered to be my ride, that i might seriously punch someone in the face if they made a move towards my mouth when i wasn’t ready, but…
the dentist was fine.
i was crying when he came in to see me (yes. i’m a girl. and i cry. this should not be a surprise by now.) and he looked at me and knew — i’m not ready.
he then walked me through STEP by STEP the entire procedure.
the flipper (temporary denture)… the healing of my jaw… the drilling of the implant into my gums/bone.. the healing of that and the jaw… the anchor.. and finally the sculpted teeth that will become my own.
i was apprehensive, to say the least. i didn’t have trust.
i didn’t have hope.
but by the end of our time together… a small light.
and very far away.
a light at the end of a 9 month or so tunnel… it started to emerge.
he showed me pictures of other traumas, much worse than my own.. and what they look like now…
you really can’t even tell.
EVER so thankful i didn’t have to get my mold taken… i smiled… the sort of half pathetic smile i can right now, without stretching my top lip, and thanked him.
and for the first time since this all happened…
i let go a little.
its been a REALLY hard week. and if i sit and think about it for very long, yes. i do start to cry.
i’m selfish, and i’m young, and i had an awesome face.
i had an awesome face. i don’t care what that sounds like when i say it. it was MINE. and it was perfect, for all its imperfections, because it was MINE.
but today… for the first time, i can say “i will be alright”.. and know that its true.
i know its not that bad.
i know when other people look at it.. they don’t see what i see.
they don’t look towards a future of always noticing whatever small marks are left behind. of looking back at old pictures and knowing i’m not the same.
i’m going to be alright.
and what i have now is still me.
its a different me. and maybe its a little mangled me. but its not a lesser me.
so i’m going to wake up tomorrow.. and face the outside.
i’m going back to work for the first time, and i’m getting ready to start my life again…
working full time.
and i’m going to go slow. and not take on too much at a time.
but i’m going to let go of my fear of being the next joaquin.
i’m just going to get up…
and i’m going to be me.
i miss food.
i know its only wednesday but the last friggin thing i ate was a protein shake before my ride so its been 5 days of liquid food.
i miss chewing.
i went to the oral surgeon for a check up monday and we drove past.. i dunno what.. but it made me want a bacon cheeseburger.
i don’t think i’ve ever even HAD a bacon cheeseburger, but..
the act of biting into it… sinking my teeth into the bun…
oh bacon cheeseburger. i want you.
bread in general.
tomato soup just isn’t the same without grilled cheese.
i can’t even being to imagine when i get to use a fork next.
i miss forks.
eating pudding, or yogurt, with no use of your top lip?!
hard to do.
i keep trying to lick the spoon, but then the glob of pudding keeps running into my swollen lip, and i end up freaking out that i’m getting pudding in my scabs so i have to wash it out and the whole thing ends up being more hassle than its worth.
soup through a straw is really kinda gross.
and i feel like a bit of a three year old having to learn how to drink soup from a spoon without getting it all over myself.
DAMN i miss food.
its not as bad as it could be.
the swelling is going down.. i’m still in shock my nose didn’t somehow get broken… and… while it hurts like a m*ther f*cker, i think the lip is getting better.
this is what i looked like coming home from the hospital (didn’t get a pic taken of before surgery. everyone assured me i did NOT want to see that. and they’re probably right) — everyone that’s seen me post-op.. and saw me pre-op… they’re making it sound miraculous my mouth got put back together.
apparently i looked really, REALLY bad.
so now they all think i look GOOD.
somehow i don’t see that. but i’m trying to take their word for it.
and then this is today… a little peak at my 4 missing teeth.
good stuff, right?!
(now is when you tell me i don’t look like a monster and i’m totally going to be 100% fine and won’t have to join a convent and be an old maid my entire life.
can you tell i’m in better spirits today?
i’m trying here folks.
i really am.
i feel like i should tell you guys this, although i’m in no mood.
… i was riding saturday morning when my front wheel got caught in a crevasse, i came to a full stop, and endo’d onto my face.
my helmet cracked, and probably saved my life, but the other place i hit was…
my top lip split into 3 parts and 4 of my top teeth got knocked out.
i’m pissed off.
yes i know those are the same things.
i feel alone, even though i have friends stopping by every few hours.
i feel like my face will never be the same.
i feel like nobody will ever want me now.
i feel like my smile, which is all i ever got compliments on, is ruined.
i feel like my life is a giant train wreck.
i feel like why did this happen to me?
why do all these bad things keep happening to me?
i feel like..
i just want a hug.
i just want to have someone. and i have no one.
i have no one to come and sit with me, sit next to me, and put their arms around me, and not let go. to tell me everything’s going to be okay. to tell me its okay to be upset. that i don’t have to pretend to be okay. that i don’t have to crack jokes and laugh and i’m allowed to just be sad.
i know i have my friends.
i know i have my family.
but right now thats not what i want.
i want SOMEONE. i want to HAVE someone. i want to be able to curl up with someone that cares about me and just BE.
because i’m not okay right now.
i keep telling everyone i’m okay, and ya know what?!
a friend of mine today said something to me, in response to one of my many ramblings, that rendered me speechless for a minute or two. and really kinda hit home, in a way i doubt he even meant for it to…..
ever since christmas, and going home… work and new years, and then my birthday (which, thank you for all the well wishes. i love bloggy land!), i’ve just been going a mile a minute. or rather, life, or at least day-to-day time, has just seemed to be in a perpetual state of fast-forward. and its all i can do to just keep up.
between new years resolutions, and new years eve fiascos, to holy-crap-i’m-26-what-am-i-doing-with-my-life revelations, somewhere in there, i forgot something.
and today… i was reminded…
“it’s all good. life is good. just enjoy.”
in trying to make sure that my 26th year is all that it can be, i forgot half of it is just sitting back and enjoying it.
the chaos of my life, the chaos that is causing me a small amount of BOOGIDA BOOGIDA right now, is the same chaos in my life that i just… that i love. its who i am.
i dont have it all figured out. i don’t know what i’m doing or where i’m going. i get lost. figuratively and literally. almost on a daily basis…. my apartment flip-flops between perfect organization, and having scattered within it every piece of clothing that i own, because i cannot dress for an evening out without trying on all combinations of outfits paired with shoes, and should my hair be up or down? curly or straight? do i need more eye shadow or am i good?…
every month, without fail, i receive my bills in the mail, and spend two or three good days wondering if i already paid it online, or do i need to send a check. and then usually do both, creating for myself quite a situation the next day when its time to buy groceries…. i am so scatterbrained in the morning, dressing for work in the dark, that earlier this week i showed up to the gym with two right shoes, making that days run rather impossible….the next day i forgot my t-shirt. prompting my boss to seriously question my state of mind.
i create for myself the most ridiculous of situations.. whether its playing O Come All Ye Faithfull in the middle of Silent Night…. thinking i live in a chinese restaurant, or just being so dumb-founded on the phone when certain male specimens call, that i stutter my way thru the entire situation as though i have yet to develop any social skills what-so-ever.
all of its me. and its fun. its funny. its just life. and its a good life, and its my life, and i dont know what i was thinking, trying to make it into so much more.
i worked so hard last year to get to the point where i actually like who i am. so this year, my 26th year, i will, yes, i will strive for that 5 hour marathon. i will attempt to lose those inches around the middle… i’ll save more money, and i’ll learn to swim and join that TRI-team. yes its true, i will do all those things.
but mostly, i’ll just be me. with no apologies and no excuses.. i’ll remember to sit back and enjoy whatever mess it is i’ve managed to get myself into, and i’ll laugh.
cuz “its all good. life is good. just enjoy”
ooooh my. oh my oh my. oh my goodness.
um. heh. sooo, uh, did anyone else drink a little too much new years eve? get so drunk they forgot which building they lived in, so tried for 20 minutes to get the building next door to theirs (chinese restaurant) open with their apartment key, because..”it just sticks a little. i swear. the key fits, you just have to wiggle it”… really truely unaware that they were at the wrong building… all the while an entire after party was waiting for them at their ACTUAL apartment, for like 20 minutes, wondering where the hell you were? so that now you’re stuck with 3 bottles of champagne, 2 bottles of vodka, 2 pies, a zillion cookies and more varieties of chips and dip than you know what to do with…but a really clean house, because you spent half the day saturday cleaning getting ready for the 15ish people that were supposed to be coming over?!!!!
hmm? anyone??!?… no? yeah. uhh……… me neither……!
WHEW! what a way to ring in the new year, i tell you what. and that’s not the half of it….. i’m quite sure there’s a certain someone out there that thinks i’m certifiably insane.. fun, and crazy, in kind of a good way, but also… just a little bit out of my mind. i can’t remember the last time i had that kind of a night. too fun. no like… toooooo fun. happy 2006!!
ANYway… ::slouches down, completely mortified::
needless to say, this chick was WAY too hung over to do any actual running as of yet in 2006…however, i did get 4 very, VERY amazing miles in saturday.
just not in the morning as i’d planned.
because, come to find out, i am not brilliant.
i know… shocker, right?!
between waking up HOURS late for the morning run, to not knowing upper 30 degree weather doesnt need running pants, running long-sleeve turtleneck, ear cover-upper head band thing AND a running jacket (yeah. 6 months later and i’m still the newbie) to getting lost, crossing a bridge i didnt even know existed…
i was, quite literally, chaos in motion.
but it was a great last run of the year… and tomorrow, hopefully, will bring me a great FIRST run of the year!!
for now though, sleep. lots and lots of sleep!
so, as planned, i woke up a few minutes early to cute-ify myself. hair? check. make-up? check…. sorta. (very minor) tall black boots with the fur ontop? check.
and all of this…well lets face it, i was workin it. but. the clencher??
fishnet stalkings people. fish. net. me = en fuego.
and then what happens? he’s already at the damn gym when i get there, so he only sees me in my gym-attire, and….. come to find out, he’s got a girlfriend.
(how do i know this? i can be very resourceful when i need to be. don’t even worry about it)
so, i’m down for the count, right?
blah blah blah, work. get bored. eat a piece of chocolate cake.
so i get home and decide maybe another few miles on the tread would be a good decision (ran a few at the gym… 2.05 to be exact. knee kinda throbbed a bit after, but i got home and was fine, so…. why not take it out for a spin?!)
and WHAT a phenomenal decision that was, because who do i see when i walk down to the basement and enter our somewhat ghetto gym type area??
hottie boy from a few weekends ago that lives in my building and i drool over.
on a regular basis.
yesssssss… talk about a damn great motivator to get my butt down there EVERY NIGHT!!!
eye contact. yup. head nod. def’ly… keep it cool. you are here to run. not pick up dudes. (yeah right.) so, i mount the tread, start’er up and….EFFING OUCH!!! dammit. my left foot. somethings jacked with the tongue of my shoe.dammit. dammit. can’t run like this..sharp, searing pain……… so i stop the tread. try and fix. ok. we’re good. no big deal that this room is the size of my closet and he’s directly in front of me. FACING me. no. big. deal. just…. run.
so. start’er up again……&%*^! YOW! omg. this never happens to me. i am like the queen of tying my shoe. what is going on with the tongue of this thing. i am friggin cursed. be smooth. HA. i look like a friggin gimp. thank god i didnt wear my “MARATHON” shirt. i’d look like a damn fool. ok. lets try this again….
as always…third time’s a charm. so i’m running…running… and normally, i look directly straight ahead. theres a big coke machine in the other room and i focus on it. where does Hottie Boy happen to be?! in the WAY! stop looking at him. look at the floor….no dammit thats lame. look at the floor? who looks at the floor when they run. head up…. wow he’s really cute ok NO. stop. just… watch tv…… so i’m running, WAY faster than normal because…. there’s a boy in the room, and we know what THAT does to my running but finally i catch a break and he goes in the other room to lift.
thank GOD i was about to have a heart attack… so…. speed on tread gets turned wayyyy down (to my normal “is that actually considered running?” pace..) and i find my groove and we’re good.
Hottie Boy finishes up, we talk, i ooze flirty-breezey-”ain’t no thang i’m just running”-ness, and he leaves.
i wipe away the drool, walk out my last few minutes (b/c now my knee hurts but i dont care… so worth it) and call it a night.
yeahhhh…. i know. i’m ridiculous right? but admit it…its just so FUN!!