wishy-washy
well a few things..
first of all, i'm starting to get on my nerves. i'm in this weird "yay i love running!!!---boo running is my nemesis!!!" mental thing and GAH i just am so sick of it!!!!
here's the thing..
i like running. i do. i enjoy the challenge, physically and mentally (though mentally its a lot tougher than i thought it'd be) and i enjoy the dedication that it requires. i love the feeling of having completed a run, and more often than not, lately, i enjoy the feeling of running WHILE running, which is a big step for me. the mental challenge of marathon training has begun to have its affect on other parts of my life (in a good way) and i, in ways, am thriving on the "personal growth" (although i cant even type that without rolling my eyes at it... its so Dr. Phil of me...) of the training as a whole and how its affecting me.. "mind body and soul" (again with the eye rolling.. but i mean... you know what i mean)...
so ok. good right?
but uuuuuuuuggghhh. sometimes i'm just SO SICK OF RUNNING. running all the time. thinking about running. thinking about if i had enough water today. enough carbs. enough protein? too much? did i get enough sleep. did i eat enough this morning pre-run. do i have gatorade still or do i need to pick up SOME MORE. (and its always more...) ...
and its just this whole running-is-taking-over-my-life thing that i'm just kind of getting overwhelmed by.....but i kinda love it.
so ok. you see my problem? love it. hate it. love that i hate it. hate that i hate it but love that i'm still doing it anyway. hate that i cant JUST love it. love that its so challenging. hate that its so hard. love that its almost here, hate that it means this will be over.... that this will be over...
ok wait a sec. "it means this will be over"... i'm thinking that might be part of it... ok yeah. because i just got that tight chested eyes filling up with tears feeling... thats it.
ugh. ok..... to be really honest about the whole thing, i just think it comes down to me being really scared. this is for real. i'm going to run a marathon. and i've put so much pressure, on MYSELF, and what if i dont come thru? what if i DO?! what will i do afterwards? i've become so fixated on training, i dont think i'll know what to do with myself when its over... i mean. yes. i realize there were 25 whole years there before i started this whole thing, but somehow, i just cant imagine my day-to-day routine, my LIFE, without this. i want to do more. i want to go further. i want to continue challenging myself and my body and my mind and i WANT IT.
but what if this is just a fluke? what if i'm doing all this and i just happen to be getting by and what if i CANT do more? if this is all i have?
UGH. but no, dammit, its not. its NOT. i can DO this. i AM training for this marathon, i WILL BE a marathoner, and i CAN DO MORE. i want to do a duathlon. dammit. ok there i said it. its out there. i want to. and i've been so afraid of saying that because what if people laugh? a DUathlon? you've not even done a MARAthon yet, what the hell are you thinking? yeah...sure, why not just do a TRIathlon...
ok. yeah... why not? why not work my way up to that? i could do that? i mean... right? yeah.. i mean... i dunno. maybe this whole thing is stupid. i am NOT a triathlete.
ok... so... do you get the idea? wishy-washy. and i dont know what to do to make it go away.
i know, from reading about others struggles/triumphs, that this is normal. this is me finding out what i'm made of, who i am, who i want to be, how much i'm willing to give up to get there, how much i'm willing to risk... to get honest with myself. to stop letting all my "demons" rule my $#@^% life all the time. to take charge and stand my ground and just do it for me because there is nothing WRONG with that and dammit if i want something why am i so afraid to just SAY it and DO it and get OVER it already.
::sigh::
these are the conversations i've been having with myself lately.
im hoping that its just me starting to get real with myself... closing in on that "ah-ha" moment, finally allowing myself to... to do or be whatever it is i want to do or be. i'm just still fighting it.... still fearing it.
and thats where i'm at.
every weekend i look forward to the next week's runs. every night i have a feeling the next day's run is going to be phenomenal.... but somewhere between putting on my shoes and heading out the door something in my head happens.. i dont know what, it just happens, and the running becomes a struggle.
its those few minutes that have me all screwed up. all wishy-washy. but its those few minutes that keep me going, make me push harder, want it more...
::double sigh::
in the words of Lance Armstrong...
"Anything is possible, but you have to believe and you have to fight"....
(sheesh. LIKE i'm quoting lance...
there is something seriously wrong with me folks!!!!! )
Comments
DATE: 6:22 PM
" somewhere between putting on my shoes and heading out the door something in my head happens.. i dont know what, it just happens, and the running becomes a struggle. "That happens to me all the time!! Good luck with your marathon, I know you'll complete it and do well. THEN you'll find a new challenge.cheersLBTEPA
Posted by: Anonymous | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 5:17 PM
Wow, I can so relate. For me, part of the struggle was the big shift in identity--who am I that I like this, that I'm willing to devote so much time and focus to this, willing to endure pain and wake up extra early and skip things that I like, and not just willing but I want to do all those things. But it's an amazing feeling, to set a goal and achieve it, and you will totally rock this marathon! And I'm excited to keep reading about it.
Posted by: Noames | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 1:44 PM
I'm really glad that you are blogging about your experience. You are way ahead of me on the journey to becoming a long distance runner (you already are one!); reading your posts is encouraging and fun-- your personality totally shines through. Again, thanks for blogging. I'm looking forward to your post marathon post. You can do it!
Posted by: boiledpnut | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 11:28 AM
What an amazing post. I have some of the same thoughts. (Maybe I'm not far enough into my training to have all of them!) Thanks for putting it into writing...(I'll leave the advice to those that have been there before.)
Posted by: Danny | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 9:33 AM
If you are training for a marathon and you don't get sick of running, you're not running enough. I've done 4 and every time I get into the third month and I'm having the exact same conversations with myself that you are ... and, you're right where you’re supposed to be.Try to let the running work you a bit instead of you doing all the running. When you get to tapering and the last few days before the event you'll be psyched and ready and confident. And when you get to and into the event, it'll all make sense and be AMAZING!Let go and hang on!
Posted by: douglas | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 7:53 AM
Hee hee, I love what this stuff does to us. What exactly did we focus on when we weren't training for a marathon, or a triathlon? I must have spent the first part of my life glued to the couch or something? I can't even remember!
Posted by: Flatman | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 7:23 AM
We all go through the same thing, I think it's part of the mental training. During my run I was thinking how much I hate this, why was I doing it ... then 10 seconds later I am determined and know I can run a marathon. You're doing great.
Posted by: Ali | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 6:25 AM
you said it yourself...you're finding out what you are made of and you want to know what else you can accomplish. Nothing wrong with any of that!Yes! Do a Du! Do a Tri! But let's focus on the marathon first. You will complete it. And it will be amazing. No one will ever be able to take away that finishers medal, and more importantly, no one will ever be able to take away that wonderful feeling of crossing that finish for the first time. It's natural to have the love-hate thing going on...somedays I ask myself what the HELL I'm doing...other days I feel like I could fly...and I still get nervous before a long run. Wouldn't be much fun if it was predictable though...would it?
Posted by: Running Chick | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 5:47 AM
Hey! You're doing to do great, and all your thoughts and feelings are totally normal. I think training for something like this makes you realize that your body is awesome and there's nothing you can't do if you put your mind to it!! I know as soon as I finished my half I came home and immediately started searching on the internet for my next big race. Crazy, huh??/
Posted by: Rae | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 9:21 PM
um yeah i hear ya. i looked at the schedule tonight and when i realized there are only 2 more weeks of buildup (1 not counting this one!) i got this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. nerves! and then the whole what is next. i am a little worried about it but trying not to let it get to me. i mean it snows 6 feet high here..what will i do in the winter?!
Posted by: brent | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 7:43 AM
I so feel your pain. Last night I really wanted to run 6 miles this morning but this morning I just didn't feel like it so I skipped it and now I hate myself. Hopefully it will cool down enough late this afternoon that I can do what I said I would do and find personal redemption.It is the 'I hate myself' thing you want to avoid. Just keep running. Nike and Armstrong are both right - Just do it and you will be happy.
Posted by: 21st Century Mom | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 6:12 AM
Egads. You just wrote down everything I think and feel about training. Except for the duathalon because I'm not into skiing. :)Not sure I can offer any advice as I haven't seen the other side of the marathon finish line yet. But know that you are definately not alone in how you feel about the training. Its alot of work and if you spend alot of your free time doing one thing, you end up spending the rest of your time day dreaming about.Hang in there, a.maria.
Posted by: Jon in Michigan | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 11:56 PM
As my own marathon approaches (2nd), and I think about what I think about, I would say you're right on schedule with your thinking!
Posted by: Jack | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 6:46 PM
Until you come up with a better alternative to living, eating and feeling so right as a runner you have no reason to agonize over it. It is who you are and you are taking charge. It's awesome.
Posted by: David | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 5:55 PM
Holy crow, what can I possibly add? We're about the same place in our training, and our thinking. This week, for the first time since I started training, I actually let the thought of skipping a run enter my brain. I didn't skip it, but honest to god, for the first time, I thought about it. Then I thought: Gee, I wonder if it's right about now when all the "magic" of whoo hoo, i'm a runner, starts to wear off, and it just becomes about getting your ass out there and running ... and not so much about "I can't believe I'm a runner." Not sure if that makes sense or not. In any case, I'm in total love/hate with running, generally hating it while doing it, liking (I'm not ready to declare love yet) after.This was a great post; you obviously really touched a nerve!
Posted by: jeanne | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 5:48 PM
Love your post- it said it all. That's exactly how I've been feeling for my half-marathon. Nice to know I'm not the only one thinking those same thoughts :)Liked everyone else's comments in response.
Posted by: Kiran | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 11:59 AM
I really liked this post. Love/Hate is something I went through while training for my first and only marathon. I loved the way it made me feel, but I hated the way my life became totally dominated by training. It was crazy. I loved the way my body looked and felt. I wasn't even hard to run anymore- no huff, puff, just cruising and it felt good. But I hated the obsession with water and going ot bed early on Friday nights. I finished my marathon injured and was forced to take the past 3 months off. Now I am starting to train again and it's back. I've missed running SO much that I love being ablet o run again. But 3 months off has left me out of shape so once again it is HARD- huff, puff, chestexploding hard- and I hate it!
Posted by: Cassie (TIGGS) | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 8:41 AM
You could always resign yourself to a fate like mine. I've run several marathons and continue to train for others. I am currently fighting an injury that has taken me off the running trail for a few days. But I continue to train. I buy gear and, like you, try to eat right.It doesn't change anything, though. I still REALLY hate running. I just keep doing it because it would be senseless to let all this training go out the window. I may as well keep going, now.
Posted by: Tom | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 8:36 AM
i'm so mad i found this post after I posted the carnival of runners! I may have to go try to edit. maybe another definition of running has to do with the funky stuff that runs through our heads whilst we run, or after we run, or when we miss a run, or when we think we will miss a run. Insanity really, but insanity for not just you!
Posted by: Running from my House | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 8:21 PM
You know what, if you weren't going through all of this you'd be totally doing something wrong. CHILL! It's all fine. You'll be fine, you're supposed to hate it some days so that you have something to conquer. If you loved it EVERY day there would be no chance for a victory - gotta have something to defeat, you know? Be grateful for the suck days, hunt down the suck days! Collect them all up - as many as you can because it is in those days that you will be able to say that you truly earned the right to call yourself a runner, a triathlete, whatever. They're the only way through to realizing your potential. So, whine here and there, definitely whine, and then suck it up and tie your shoes. You're going to immortalize pieces of yourself at that race.
Posted by: Wil | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 8:06 PM
i seriously get energy just reading your posts. enjoy the buildup, the climax, and the finish. ha ha, that sounds dirty. but seriously, enjoy the journey. before you know it, bem. you'll be on the path to another (or even tri!).
Posted by: partyrunner | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM