the ex
but so yeah... he's moving to chicago to be with his new girlfriend (the one that he started dating a few weeks after we broke up... yeahhhhhh) and thought we should get together for some drinks before he left. and i said yes. because thats just how i am.
so. drinks. how'd it go? really, really well. turns out i don't hate him and he's not the devil. who knew?!!how do i feel about it now that its over? not quite sure... but mostly i'm fine.
yes, i realize this has nothing to do with running... but at the same time, this has everything to do with running.
we were talking, just shootin the sh*t, and he said "so... are you happy? you seem happy? you sound happy in your emails"...and ya know what?! i am. i am happy. and i do seem happy. i'm a very open-book kinda person. if i'm happy, you know it. sad, you know it. pissed, you most DEFINITELY know it.
so yeah. i'm happy. the rest of our convo went well, i was reminded of all the reasons why i used to be in love with this guy, and all the reasons why its so much better that we're no longer together and i'm not in love with this guy, and we said goodbye and that was it.
and i'm ok. i'm ok. i am okay and more than anything, that kinda freaks me out.
i dont know what the hell i'm doing with my life. i dont know what i want to do, who i want to be, or who i want to be with. live my life with. i dont know where i want to live... and i'm not just talking what city, i'm talking country. continents. .....jobs. love. life. its all up in the air and most the time that freaks me out. but i'm getting there. i'm not getting there in that i know what i want, but i'm getting there in that i believe i WILL get there.
so much about this marathon, training, was about what i might or might not be capable of doing. like my title says... i am not a runner. like, NOT. and most the time, i give myself zero credit. but i'm here. i'm doing it. i run, and i skip runs. i enjoy running and i hate running, but in the end?! i'm out there. and i'm doing it. and it means so much more than i think i ever really realized till this very moment because i never would have thought it before. ever.
i am that person i want to become. even if i dont know it, i am. and i'm happy and i'm confused and i'm naive and i'm jaded and... i'm okay. i am okay. i'm 25, and i have a really good feeling, i'm exactly where i'm supposed to be.
****** post-edit ********
what is this, my dating blog?! first the Texas Boy fiasco....which... i know. i know... you're all right. but i just liked him, ya know?! like, liked.... ::sigh::.... but you're right, and yeah... yeah... blah blah blah.... but he's Texas Boy and... and he has such a great little Texas Boy drawl, and is just so... so swoony...
ugh. but y'all are right. so ok.
but ANYway. this is not my dating blog (lack of dating blog), this is my running blog. so.. in that vein... i plan on running tomorrow. simple 4 miles. but a much needed 4 miles.... so check back tomorrow, for an actual running update.
maybe i'll even "run into" some cute single soldiers, eh?! eh?!
(yeahhhh... maybe not......)
Comments
DATE: 11:49 PM
nothing wrong with dropping a therapy post on your audience every now and then. heck, that's about all i do! just wish i had something useful to add, but seeing how i obviously have NO idea what i'm doing when it comes to the opposite sex, i'm just gonna sit here and nod in agreement. i think i saw it written somewhere..not to worry - that for every million roads on a map, there are a hundred ways to get where your'e going.i can't find it. maybe i just made that up. =|
Posted by: J | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 9:18 PM
Don't apologize about your post. Sometimes you figure your shite out when you're running. Sometimes you figure it out when you're drinking. Or smoking. Or drinking and smoking... Sometimes you figure it out when you're writing or talking to friends. And as my quasi (b/c we never were 100%) EX once said, sometimes we figure it all out on all fours while clinging to life at the base of the toilet. I ran my first marathon because "someone" (an ex? really? is that possible?) said I couldn't, and F him. And I ran my second marathon because finishing the first one was the best day of my life. By then I was over the F him. Although it still would have been nice to see the look on his face...Before this turns into the longest comment ever - if you don't know what you're doing with your life, MOVE. You may end up moving back. But picking everything up and moving out of a comfort zone - away from everything you have and probably don't even realize you have - is the best way to figure out what you want. My vote is for San Francisco. ;)Keep it up!
Posted by: Nic | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 8:03 PM
Running? Are we supposed to be blogging about running? I wish people would tell me these things. What a great post. I want to say all those cliche things about your whole life ahead of you, strike out, go to europe, do everything you can do while you can do it, but I'll restrain myself (ha).And Texas boy? He should be so lucky. That's all I have to say on that subject.And the marathon and runnng? I know just what you mean about being happy! Even with this $#!~&^! leg problem, I did a lot and I think I'll do more and it makes me happy and proud and thinking like I can do anything. And we can.We so rock, cousin a.
Posted by: jeanne | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 2:55 PM
I agree with the above peeps. Try living someplace new and (hopefully) exciting. You're young, not attached, no kids so explore the country/world. You may be surprised at what you find and where! Living in Texas for 9 years, and having 2 kids born there, made my husband and me realize how much we missed the Northeast so we moved to Maine. LOVE IT!
Posted by: Kiran | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 12:55 PM
I liked your post. :) hang in there. These others have good advice. I second the, if you need to get the h out of Dodge, do so!
Posted by: Stephanie | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 10:37 AM
I'm right there with you. And it's your blog so you can write about whatever. It's always fun to get to know more about people than just about their running anyway.
Posted by: ncmunchkin | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 9:30 AM
Welcome to humanity, A, especially your 20's. I'm nearly 30 now, and changing careers.I really think that fresh out of high school is the worst time to choose a career for the rest of your life.Anyway, I think the 'happiness' thing is elusive, until you stop looking for it, and let it find you.You sound like you need a hug. Find someone you love today, and hug them.
Posted by: bitweever | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 6:04 AM
hey, look beside you. see that guy? that guy holding the other paddle? yeah, that's me! we're in the SAME BOAT! =) we (my wife and I) are about ready to just move somewhere. just leave everything behind and see what is out there. to see what the world has to offer.i really enjoyed your post and I think a lot of people our age are having a lot of the same feelings. just hang in there!
Posted by: brent d. | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 5:56 AM
I for one, am glad you are happy!//If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands//:)Now get back to the running!...jokin'...
Posted by: Flatman | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 12:41 PM
Ale, you just need to move back to Dallas. Come and hang out w/ me and my new hubby. Tons of friends to meet and old friends to get to know again and warm Texas weather!!~~Brandi
Posted by: Anonymous | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 3:10 PM
ooh, you're back and I didn't even know it. glad to hear Texas was fun, and sorry Texas boy sucked. Meanwhile, I am SO with you on the whole, what the hell am I doing thing. I like to sound like I have plans, but I'm freaking out non-stop these days (just ask my poor sister). Let's quit our jobs, chuck the healthy choice dinners, and run across Africa (or "run". either way) and then write a book about it. How fun would that be?
Posted by: Noames | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM