Little Miss Runner Pants

well.... i walked. SS and TB kinda had a quasi-trot thing goin' on, and by the first half-mile, watching them bounce along... i just wanted to join in. so we ran. slowly. and it was good.

we ran thru the city down to the pier. we weaved in and out of slower runners and walkers and just made our way thru the crowd. somewhere along mile 3 we passed a bakery, the smell of fresh baked bread filled the air and you couldn't help but smile. the little bakers had big tall chef's hats on. how could you not love it?!

the pier was gorgeous. the houses along the beach were amazing... around mile 4 i decided it'd be a good time to pick the pace up to our normal time, especially before the hills, and told Stripe Shirt of my plans... "okay!!" she replied, and so we ran....

a few minutes later i look around and... i'm alone. alone in a sea of women, but i'm without my running buddies. SS had apparently meant "okay, you go on ahead" and i realized it was just as well. i need to run my own race. and keeping track of someone in the crowd was distracting.... so i focused on the view and my music and the running was good.

miles 4-6 were along the beach (if i remember correctly) and it was amazing. i've never run on the coast before, and the feeling of "i am a runner" overwhelmed me. the sound of the waves crashing, the magnificent homes that looked out onto the ocean... i fell in love with running all over again and whispered "i cant believe i'm really doing this" as i took in the view.

mile 7...the hill was around the corner, i could see all the women ahead of me making their way up and i felt the determination well up inside me. i'm running this thing dammit. smaller steps. same turn-over. don't over do it, but dont wuss out. it'll feel so good to have done it and so i did. i made my way up. up and up. and i got to the top and the feeling of all hail the running goddess was alive and well.... i had no fear. i was a runner. there was nothing to stop me.... so i galloped down the hill, relaxing my body, getting it ready for the hill i could see ahead of me in mile 9.

outta nowhere, mile 9 was horrendous. i had forgotten it spanned more than just one mile, and having not prepared myself for such a long struggle, i decided killing myself on the hill would be a bad idea, so i walked a good portion up to the top. as i reached the top i began to run again, knowing the downhill was coming soon, and i felt good. refreshed. the walking was just what i'd needed, and i began to pick up some speed.

mile 10 was just straight down, and until then i'd had no knee problems what-so-ever. i'd actually forgotten about knee issues entirely. as i barrelled down the hill, feeling like a little kid, it hit me. like a bolt of lightening. BAM. knee.....@$#! i thought this was in the bag. ok. ok its just pain and really... its really not that bad. just... flop. try that flopping thing Brent always talks about. relax your legs from the knee down and it helped. for a good minute. then, BAM, leg gave out. WHOA what was that? i went spaghetti for a second. ok that was weird....... ok that has me kinda freaked out. i'm going really fast. lets slow it down a bitYOWCH... slowing it down hurts. alllllrighty. so i wont slow down, i'll floppily continue running...and yeah. ok. that's the plan...

sometime in the midst of this inner dialog my Coach catches up with me..."how ya doin?!".... "uhhh. good?"..."how's the knee"..."uhhh.. hurts. downhill kinda sucks. but i got it. i'm good"...."ok".... he tells me to run on the crown of the street so i dont strain one foot or the other and off he goes to some fellow teammates.... i pull off to the side, rub on some bio-freeze and continue on my way.

mile 11 hits me. my knee is just gunna hurt. this is that "its just pain" thing they were talking about. so okay. quick body check....... yeah. no. this isn't terrible. i'm... i'm still running, for crying out loud. this is not that bad. infact... yeah. bio-freeze is kicking in. pain is evaporating. deep breath in.... deep....ohmygod i can't breathe. mile 11, as i'm rounding a corner going ever so slightly up a hill, i can't breathe. i can't open my lungs. i start freaking out because...i'm not asthmatic. i'm... i'm a good breather. breathing is my thing and for a good 2 minutes, i can't. my mind is racing and i'm thinking a million things at once and i realize i'm still running. i'm still running. i can't breathe. why am i running. walk. stop and walk. you need to breathe, why can't i breathe for the love legs, stop it. walk. why am i still running and just like that, i'm fine. it passes, and i'm breathing normally once again.

mile 12 gets us to Golden Gate Park and i look at my watch. holy crap. all that knee non-sense and i'm pretty close to target time.... how'd that happen?! SWEET!!! and i continue on my way.

my parents mentioned this would be the area they'd be waiting for me, so i lazily scan the crowd, thinking there's no way i'll actually see them, when "ALEJANDRA!!! ALE!!!" i see signs and arms and jumping... its my PARENTS. holy crap!!! i run towards them and high-five. and keep on running.... 2 minutes later i'm still getting over the fact that i saw them, and it hits me...i should have stopped. i wanted to stop. what if i dont see them again? i should have stopped. dammit. i was so blown away at having actually seen them, i forgot to enjoy the fact that they were there. i beat myself up about it as i passed the 13 mile marker.

half way. whew. okay. could i turn around and do what i've done so far?.... yeah. YEAH. i could. and the second half is easier. whoa... maybe i'll even have a negative split... now THAT would be sweet

the feeling of sweet lasted less than a mile. my knee started up again. and this time it was worse. much worse. and i started to worry. i pulled off to the side and squatted down, frog style. stretching out my knees like that felt amazing, though i knew the real problem was the ITband, and squatting was doing nothing for it. but without knowing what else to do, i continued running, and immediately a sharp pain shot up from the front of my right ankle. that tendon that pops up when you flex your foot... it hurt. with every step it strained, and my shin tightened and i was in serious pain.

all during this the bio-freeze wore off, and i was at a loss for what to do. i saw my parents again at mile 14 and this time was so consumed with the pain, i didn't know what to do. all i remember telling them was that it hurt. bad. and seeing my mom there made the tears just well up. i pulled off the road and tried to deal with the issue. more bio-freeze. down the length of my shin. my ankle. i was so frusterated. so disappointed. i wanted them to see me happy and running and strong. and i wasn't. and it sucked so i ran. i had to go. i didnt want them to see me like that....

Golden Gate Park was just cursed. leaving the park was the Full Marathoner's 16th mile, the Half Marathoner's 13th. i heard them call Fulls to the left, Halves to the right and thought seriously of pulling into the other lane ooooohhh. i could be done right now. i would love to be done right now. dang-it. why didn't i sign up for the half? and with that i veered left, down the course with the rest of the Full Length runners...

turning out of the park was like starting a new run. we turned onto the beach and ran along the coastlilne. it was foggy and grey, but beautiful. i realized on the other side of the divider was mile 23-26, and i looked over at all the speedy runners, so close to being finished and was in awe. holy mother. they're 8 miles ahead of me and still running. how are they doing that? no way!! and i picked up my pace. the knee was back to a dull pain, the ankle was no longer straining and the shin had loosened up. i long ago gave up looking at my watch, but in mile 18 my Coach caught up with me and informed me i'm on time for a 5 hour finish. which surprised the hell outta me, i'm not gunna lie!

"how ya feeling, how's the knee"... "it effing hurts. like an effer. and saying @$#% makes it feel a lot better.".. this of course amuses the ex-marine (thank God because i've got quite the mouth on me at times) so we run along for a while.... "have you walked at all"... "just one of the hills and all the water-stops"... "alright"..... and we run.... "where the EFF is the next water stop, i seriously need a break"... he laughs. this is pretty much all he did all weekend. laugh and shake his head every time i spoke. "i dont effing know" ... so he offers to stretch out my ITband before i head off for my last 8 miles.

sure! why not? stretching is good, right?!

WRONG. we pull over to the side, i lay on my back, and he stretches my hamstrings. then... my ITbands. i was screaming in pain. curses were flying outta my mouth and i started breathing as if i was going into labor. all the while... he laughed. so great you're getting such a kick outta this. if i had any energy to spare i would inflict enormous amounts of pain on you, you evil, evil man but when he was done i felt.... better.

hmm. ok. i forgive him... we walk it out a bit, he proclaims me ready to run, and then he's off to some other teammate.

ok. great. so now i just gotta run 8 more miles, right?! oooouugh. i officially am really sick of running right now. this is lame.... at mile 19 the course veers to the left, and i realize there's a lake in front of me. omg thats a lake. thats... thats a big lake. @%#$*! i'm going to have to run all the way around this, aren't i? is there... maybe there's a bridge? i dont remember there being a bridge but... surely there's a bridge, right? and at about this time i start to lose it. i pull over to stretch and flex my knees a bit more, and Headphones Girl runs up behind me. both her knees are taped, she's on the verge of tears, and i'm hit with oh sh*t... in our training runs... she's my rabbit. she's who i aspire to run with. if she's been behind me, she can't be doing well....

she reaches me and starts to cry. she's in pain. a lot. she's so tired. i don't know what to do. i offer bio-freeze, which she takes, and we run together for a bit. she stops to stretch, i go ahead. i stop to stretch, she passes me.... a few minutes later, i'm hit with a new pain. my left knee. every time i pick up my leg to step, theres a sharp pain in my knee... my bio-freeze is wearing off on my right leg, and suddenly the sharp pain from my left knee is matched with a sharp new pain in my right, and its too much.

i can't do this. i can't... i dont understand. i dont know this pain. this is new, i dont even know what to do. what its from. i need bio-freeze, where is it. i cant... i cant open it. GOD please dont do this, please i have to open it and i start to lose it. i'm shaking, and i'm freaking out, and i can't open the packet.... i finally stop and pull over and rub it all over both legs. i start to run again, and i can't.

NO. NOOOOO. stop it. stopitstopitstopit. why are You doing this to me? why? i've had this my entire run and i've dealt with it and You CANT DO THIS TO ME. i can't. God i'm so tired. please. please don't do this and i cry. i just cry. i'm running, limping, walking, crying... and i just want to quit.

and then i remember. Texas Boy. "don't be a quitter. you've put in all the training. you're ready for this. i'm proud of you. you can do this....i'm proud of you".... and its all i need. i clench my fists, and i grit my teeth... i'm NOT a quitter. dammit. i'm not. i'm doing this and i'm not quitting. and i manage to catch up to Headphones Girl. she's walking, so i take a walk break, and we decide at the next light we'll run again.

good. fine. thats reasonable. we hit the light and she takes off. i begin to run and BAMBAMBAM. sharp shooting pain. left knee. right knee. and now my hamstring.

You're kidding. right? You're not actually doing this? my HAMSTRING now? what do You want from me? and i get just pissed enough to keep going thru mile 22. but it doesnt last long and i begin to doubt myself. at some point, during all of this, i look down at my watch and see it turn from 5:08 to 5:09...

no. no, no,no,no. God please no. im so close. why? why are You doing this?? i can't. i'm so tired. i hurt...... it hurts, it just, hurts. i can't..... please dont do this to me. please. please make it stop, i just want to stop and i break-down all over again.

miles 19-23 i broke down and pushed thru, every half mile. or what seemed like every half mile. i questioned finishing in 5:30, 6:00...i questioned finishing at all.

finally mile 23-24 turns us back onto the beach for the final 3 miles. i'm done with the crying. now i just gotta suck it up and go.

what seems like every two steps, i pull over and squat down. its heaven for my knees, and seems to be what i need to make it thru. my quads burn as they've never burned before. i slow to walk, to give them a break, but walking is worse on the knees, somehow, so i continue to run.

24, 25, 26 miles come and the finish line is so far away. i'm angry. i'm so angry. i'm in pain and i don't understand. i worked so hard, for this? for what? to fall apart? i'm just so angry. and then relief. its the final stretch and they call out my name. i'm just a few steps away from the finish line and i see my parents. oh thank god and i run it in.