Little Miss Runner Pants

My marathon is 5 days away. but it might as well be tomorrow for all the excitement and nerves and fear and awe that it is stirring up in me.

I began this...this journey, as its turned out to be... May 12th, with a two mile run around the golf course here on Fort Leavenworth.

it was horrid. it was painful. i couldnt breathe, i couldn't run for more than 5 minutes without needing to take a break.... a long break. i walked up and down "the two hills", and ran to the corner. and had to stop. i braced myself against a tree and looked down the course that i knew i had to finish, and thought to myself, "what the hell am i doing? i'm no runner. i'm not even in good shape? this is the stupidest idea i have ever had"... and i walked the rest of the way back to the gym.

for the next 3 weeks, every run was a battle. it wasn't just mind over matter, an "i dont want to do this" type of thing, it was an "i CANT DO THIS" thing, and everyday i wondered how on earth i was going to finish 26.2 miles. "i'm so stupid. this is so stupid" was my daily mantra.

but i pressed on. i didnt have much of a choice. i could keep going, or i could quit. and what have i ever quit? nothing. and i'll be damned to let this thing beat me. so i ran. or rather, i walked. with running spurts every now and then.

weekend runs started with "4 easy miles", as coach would often say. "easy". right. if i remember correctly (and oh, i do) there was some #$%&*@ and some @#&*#^ but 50 minutes later, i was done. i didnt set any records, but i did it. and it felt really good to be done.

our weekly mileage started piling up, our "easy 4 miles" turned into 6, then 8, then 10, and every week i thought to myself, "how am i going to run 10 whole miles"....?! but i did it. and every week was a new milestone. a new PR. something else to add to my list of things i never thought i'd be able to do.

and just like that, i found myself in the midst of training for a marathon, and all the things that go along with that.

i found myself, once we hit 12, 14, 16 miles, saying, "oh, its a short week, we only have to do 8 this weekend" when someone asked about my running. "only 8" i'd say. as if it were nothing.

and it was never nothing. 8 became my nemesis. i never had a good 8 mile run. but it was also still, "just 8", and i'll never forget hearing myself say that for the first time.

"just eight".

at some point, in the middle of all this, i started to change. both mentally and physically. i looked in the mirror and there was this woman staring back at me. this woman that does it. she does it. not for her parents, not for her friends, she does it for herself. not to become someone she wants to be, but to BE someone she ALREADY IS.

i look in the mirror and i'm not that pudgy fat girl they used to make fun of. i dont have to pretend to laugh at myself to keep the other kids from laughing at me. i'm me. and i'm finally okay with that.

somewhere, in my 18, 20, 22 mile runs, i not only broke down, but i re-built. 4 hours of running will kind of do that to you.

and then two weeks ago, i became a runner. it was a short week. the beginning of "the taper". eight miles. and it was cold, and i was almost an hour late to the run, and it was 7 am and ough. more running.... but at mile 4, i didnt want to turn back. it felt too good. and so i kept going. 5, 6...8, 9, 10 miles.

10 miles. 2 of which i did just because i wanted to. because the cold crisp air, the morning light, the leaves under my feet... they didnt want to let go of me, and i just couldnt pull myself away from them.

so now i sit here, 5 days away, and i can't seem to seperate one emotion from another. i will cross that starting line as a person who has trained, and strained, and clawed her way thru mental and physical agony to arrive just as i am. ready.

ready to run a marathon. i knew what i signed up for, those 6 months ago. in my head, i knew it. but i never knew it'd feel like this. and after the agony of almost 6 months of training. of running. of eating more pasta than...well, than i probably need to... of drinking gallons of water and saying "nope, i can't, i gotta run tomorrow" every friday..let me repeat that, every friday.... its finally here. and as much as i feel like i should be worried, as much as i've tried to psyche myself out, i can't. i'm not.

i'm gunna do this thing. i will cross that finish line and i will become a marathoner. and this journey, i have a feeling, will have only just begun.