God's got a great sense of humor.....
my mom, in true motherly fashion, volunteered me, without my knowledge, to play my flute at mid-night mass this christmas. i found out about a week ahead of time, and of course, don't have my flute with me in KC, nor have i even played in 6ish months... so. i was just thrilled
i get home, and i get the music and my flute friday... the service i'm playing at is saturday evening, so that gives me a day.... but, its christmas music. and not complicated in any way shape or form, so, whatever. i'm all good. i rehearse with the choir and all is well.
saturday evening, service begins, i play my first piece... everything goes well. not only am i a running goddess (ha!) i am now a. maria, player of christmas carols. saving the day with her triumphant flute mastery.... i lower my stand, go back to my pew, and bask in my own job well done. (as well as pray and sing and all the other things you do at church. on christmas. at midnight....)
about an hour later, its time for me to play again. Silent Night. the mother of all carols. and am i worried? nervous? uhhh. no. a. maria. master of all things flute, remember?!
so i go back up to the front, take a look at the music.... its still as i left it, silent night on top, both pages, all is well .... i start playing, and everything is great. i am in my head already congratulating myself on a job well done. i'm thinking to myself..hmm. maybe i'll take my flute along with me the next time i go to the symphony (because i do that so often?!) incase the lead flute has some sort of unforseen finger spasm, i could just hop in and take over. it'd really be no big deal, and i'd be doing them such a favor (?! who AM i?!)
..... as i'm getting to the bottom of the first sheet of music, they lower the lights.... unbeknownst to me, as i'm playing Silent Night, the acolytes were going around lighting candles for everyone, so that they could sing Silent Night by candlelight... cuz. yeah. thats a great idea.
except. i dont have a candle.
so of course i'm like um... uh-oh?! but i keep on playing, my eyes adjust, and all is well. once again, a.maria almighty pulls thru.
so i finish the first sheet of music, go to play the first note on the second page of music and..... "rouuuuund yon virrrrgin.... WANKKKKKKKK"
omg what was that. omg that was not the right note. omg. omg. omg.
as i'm standing there, infront of God and everyone, i play this B natural, just outta NOWHERE, and its wrong. but i look and... no its not wrong. thats a B natural.... so i go to play the next note, thinking...wtf just happened? that IS the right note. it says so RIGHT THERE on the sheet of music....
WAAAAAAANK....wrong note again!!!!!!!
so i stop playing. cuz wtf is going on? i'm utterly confused.... the choir starts humming behind me, cuz.... wtf else are they gunna do? and the director is looking at me like im some sort of mutant, like wtf? what are you doing? and i'm mouthing to him "ITS THE WRONG MUSIC!! ITS THE WRONG MUSIC!!" and i'm kinda laughing... while i'm standing, in the front of church, in the dark, while everyone is humming SILENT freaking NIGHT, and i'm at a loss.
what do i do what do i do what do i do. i very quickly converse with myself, in my head, as to whether or not i can play it from memory.
quite simply? no!
so i'm standing there, and finally the director hands me his copy of the music and points out where we're at, and i come back in with "hooooly infant so tennnnnder and mild..." and i play the rest of the song and as the director starts playing on the piano, keying the congregation to join in, i duck my head, tip-toe back to my pew and die.
i just wankered my way thru SILENT NIGHT. at church. with candles. on CHRISTMAS EVE. you have got to be kidding. you've gotta be kidding. you've gotta be kidding. i have never in my LIFE played such a blatently wrong note, ever, ever, EVER. and now? on christmas EVE. when nobody was SINGING. no nothing? really?!
REALLY?!!!!! how could this have HAPPENED?!!
(come to find out, one of the sheets of music got blown off the stand, and whoever picked it up, put it right back on top of the other music... so half way thru Silent Night, i started playing the second sheet of O Come All Ye Faithful.. and my dumbass self never thought to look to see if it was the RIGHT sheet of music. just that...it WAS music. so maybe filling in for the symphony...?! not such a good idea....)
....
the rest of service continues, people file out, and i just kinda slither my way down, farther and farther, into the pew. people are coming up to me, left and right "oh, you did such a good job, that was great"...etc etc... and i'm looking at them, like...are they nuts?
and then.... "that must have been horrible, them shutting off the lights on you. i can't believe they did that. you recovered so well...."
....?!...
omg. YES! YES! that WAS horrible!! and not at ALL my fault! i didn't know what was going on!! i couldn't SEE. i didn't KNOW!! it was DARK! yes. THATS IT!!!!! hoorah!!!
and just like that..... a. maria conquerer of all? yeah. she was so back. marathons, water-stops, and now? christmas carols.
oh yeah. life. is. good.
(but MAN must i just be quite the entertainment for the big man upstairs!!)
Comments
DATE: 1:08 PM
Hahaha!! That was great! I was a music major in college...I'm not sure how many times I thought I had just given the worst performance ever and people congratulated me saying how wonderful.I also used to play bassoon in small quintets at Christmas and Easter. I was a saxophone player though..and there I would be honking away on this farting bedpost through some mass hoping no one would notice how awful it sounded!
Posted by: SmartyPants-Girl Runner | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 12:28 PM
hey yo.as you know, i play the flute too.and i have SO many of those stories.try accidentally playing a hanukkah song at yom kippor...nice....really nice.so yes, people still think you're great and someone up there is definitely laughing. :)
Posted by: Curly Su | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 9:16 AM
That was hilarious. Awful, but hilarious.
Posted by: El Profe | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 9:08 AM
Omg, that is a GREAT story! Hilarious! And, of course, you pulled it out. That's almost as good as Bex saying "Holy shit" when she hit a wrong note in her bell-playing debut, in church, out loud, back in the day... (sorry Bex, too good a story!)The funny thing is, most people just hear "La la la la" and it all sounds good to the congregation. Or so I tell myself.
Posted by: jeanne | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 8:52 AM
Whoa! Two "I'm a buffoon" stories in a row. Are you going for some kind of a record? Maybe you can keep it up all through 2006, then the rest of us can either feel like a) we're incredibly smart and rarely get into an "A. Maria" or b) we live lives without risks and variety and why can't we be more like A. Maria? Good stories, though. Have a great new year!
Posted by: Scooter | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 8:25 AM
Sounds almost like a bad dream!If it was me, I'd have had to start jamming on hot cross buns.bravo!
Posted by: Scott in Washington | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 5:27 AM
Perfect! It WAS the lights...
Posted by: Flatman | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 8:58 PM
My story isn't nearly as bad (or good) as yours, but my grandmother loves to ask me to play the violin at her church.So every 2-3 years, I dust it off and play for her. (she's 92, I can't say no)Well, the piano accompanist they usually get was a little off one year, and lost her place. She was off playing something, who knows what, while I was still playing the song.It is always the accompanist job to find me, so I didn't know what to do.When I finally finish she played a couple more cords before she realized I was done.As always, everyone came up to me and said what a wonderful job I did.Ugh!
Posted by: Okolo | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 8:25 PM
WOW-way to play that off!!!! :) I'm sure God didn't mind! hee hee
Posted by: TriSaraTops | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 4:51 PM
Ohh...oh, that was funny. Not you, A.Maria...Tammy's comment. Whoooo...funny. And your stories are very entertaining, A. Maria! They make me smile and remind me that you're human - not just a runner goddess!
Posted by: Keryn | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 4:47 PM
You said "wtf" in church?... ok, you just thought it... but you're still goin' to hell! Don't worry, I'll save ya a seat :)
Posted by: Tammy | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 6:51 PM
I didn't even know you still played. I haven't played in probably a year. Did I tell you that my sister has started playing? She's in the 7th grade playing my kick ass Yamaha flute.
Posted by: Brandi | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 2:48 PM
WHAT CHURCH WAS THAT AT. I LIVE IN STL AND I WENT TO ST MARGARET MARY CATHOLIC CHURCH IN SOUTH COUNTY. KEN IN STL
Posted by: Anonymous | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 6:37 PM
Your post cracked me up. I can relate both as a former French horn player and as a minister.It’s funny how in the moments when we are trying to be most reverent the most irreverent things happen. Like the time a cat sauntered down the center aisle of the church during the morning message and made a left turn into the cheap seats down front. When the usher lunged to retrieve him I knew it was going to be really good or really bad.Or the time I noticed an elderly lady and a young kid slugging it out in the pew where they were sitting next to one another. I don’t know who started the fight. I only know it’s difficult to remain coherent while speaking to the congregation when you are having an inner conversation with yourself – “Did I really just see what I thought I saw? Yep. I did.While speaking on 1 Corinthians 15:55 (“O death, where is your sting?”) a wasp the size of a B-52 was indiscriminately dive bombing both the choir and the congregation.I’ve seen enough to know that God must have a sense of humor. The congregation I serve certainly does.
Posted by: mental runner | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 8:59 AM
I love your stories, they always put a smile on my face :) See. I don't play an instrument so I don't know what I would have done but it sounds like you recovered just fine :)
Posted by: Kiran | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 7:15 PM
THATS COOL. KNOW THE AREA A LITTLE BUT NEVER BEEN TO THE CHURCH. NEXT TIME YOU COME BACK TO STL LET ME KNOW AND MAYBE WE CAN MEET FOR A RUN. MY EMAIL IS YNNEK26PT2@HOTMAIL.COM HOPE YOU HAVE A SAFE NEW YEARS WEEKEND
Posted by: KEN | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 6:49 PM
hey Ken... that was St. Martins Episcopal Church... Chesterfield.basically a block over from the clayton and clarkson intersection, if you know the area... !
Posted by: a.maria | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 8:23 PM
Your story is so funny! My Grandma volunteered me to sing at her 50th wedding anniversary- the Lord's Prayer. What a nightmare- it wasn't even in my range.
Posted by: Jennifer | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM
DATE: 9:32 AM
I'm 90% sure I'm going to run San Diego in June too. It will be awesome to meet you and the other RBF members. I can't wait. Let the training begin!! Happy 2006!
Posted by: april anne | July 4, 2006 8:03 PM