starting over again
and it wasn't some boy, it wasnt some relationship. it wasn't a family member or a friend... it was me.
it was every sad, lonely, empty, frustrated feeling i've had in the past few months summed up into one release of emotion. one confrontation where words were exchanged, tears were shed, and i was hurt.
i felt crumpled.
and as i sat on the phone, listening to the words coming out of my mouth, i was shocked. i didnt even know. i had no idea. and i dont know if i cried more over the feelings that i felt, or the realization that i didnt even know i felt them to begin with.
but after sitting there, staring off at that place you stare at when you're at a complete loss for what to do... after allowing my mind to just go where it wanted, to not force a certain thought or emotion, i asked myself one simple question.
whats important? to me, right now, what is important?
and without hesitation, the first thought in my mind, was to run.
it wasn't that hot guy from downstairs, or to complete my project at work. it wasn't deciding between chopping off my hair or letting it grow, or what am i going to do on my day off...
it was to run. to train. to pursue the goals i set out for myself for 2006. it was the agony and pleasure of 10, 15, 22 miles. it was the focus and determination and feeling of the end of a hard day's workout. it was the look on my coach's face when i beat my time and go farther than expected, and the pat on my back after setting a PR.
it was to run.
and it was so simple. everything else, all the crap in my daily life thats been getting me down, the people that have been pulling me back into the person i worked so hard to get away from.... everthing else evaporated. i had forgotten, in the past few months, how important all of this is to me. i was trying to live a non-training life while attempting to train, and everything was slowly falling apart.
it took a pretty serious slap in the face for me to get it... but.. i got it. and, surprisingly, i even think i know what to do about it.
so. im starting over again. i can't change the first few weeks of training. i can't go back and run those miles harder, or faster. i can't go back and lift more weight, or stretch just a little longer.
i can just start right here, and right now. i can decide this is what i'm doing, this is what i want, and i can begin anew.
and thats what i did. today, not because it was on the schedule, but because i just wanted to... i ran. and it was everything you could ever want it to be. it was medicinal.
and it was just the kind of welcome back i was looking for.
Comments
DATE: 6:03 AM
Whoops! I ment you CANT beat yourself up blah blah blah..haha!-EJM
Posted by: Anonymous | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 6:02 AM
Good for.You can beat yourself up over things in the past, but you can improve your future in the present.Lace up and go!-EJM
Posted by: Anonymous | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 6:01 AM
You go girl.....that is all I can think of.....Good luck....everything in life takes a level of committment, glad to hear you have committed to this task.
Posted by: Bob | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 8:25 PM
hey there! hope this finds you feeling better. you're right, running can be so medicinal and therapeutic (i doubt i spelled either of those words correctly). hope to see you there this Saturday -- everyone will be so excited to see you.
Posted by: Josh | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 7:54 PM
That's what's great about life, in general, and running in particular. You can always start over. Good lesson, hard way to learn.
Posted by: jeanne | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 7:53 PM
Welcome back, friend. Fresh beginnings are a beautiful thing. Take yours and RUN with it!
Posted by: boiledpnut | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 6:59 PM
{{hugs}} and...thanks. I hear you.
Posted by: Mia Goddess | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 5:33 PM
Knowing what's important to you is supposed to help you handle the stresses of the rest of your life. I'm really glad you've found your motivation. :)
Posted by: Keryn | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 4:40 PM
"Medicinal." I know that feeling. Here's hoping every step you run brings you closer to the person you want to become.
Posted by: craig | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 1:51 PM
congratulations- you must have felt lighter and faster with that load off your back.
Posted by: Michelle | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 1:18 PM
Good for you. It is easy to lose focus. One good decision tends to positively compound into a series of others.You are not alone in your feelings. Good for you for being brave enough to start over.
Posted by: Angela | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 1:06 PM
You can never make up for lost days of training but you can always start each day new. Keep the resolve and just hit the streets! Good luck.
Posted by: Kurt | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 9:14 AM
There's no stronger motivator than the prospect of ending up as roadkill dragging ass home to complete a marathon you should have prepared better for. Congratulations on getting the wakeup call.
Posted by: Scooter | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 9:09 AM
Welcome back.Through all of this...it is training...trial runs if you will. You'll screw up. We all do. But it's training. You learn from it...make the changes..start over. Be happy about the lesson learned...apply it and continue to train. Enjoy your runs. I look forward to reading about them...I always enjoy reading about your perspective. Have a great one!
Posted by: Kim | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 8:49 AM
all i can say is good for you. sometimes pain canbring clarity. it sounds like you are finding your center and that is a really really good thing. keep it up chica!
Posted by: mipper | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 7:39 AM
I get a kick out of reading your posts in the mornings about the various "guys" but this is your best running post.
Posted by: stronger | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 12:37 PM
All I can say is "WANT" to run. Isn't that a bit strong.I'm struggling with not running, at the moment. I injured my foot and need to take some time for healing. So, it's tons of swimming and biking.Still, WANT to run. Running Pol confused.
Posted by: Tom | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 8:33 PM
welcome back.
Posted by: Bolder | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 9:12 PM
Little Miss Runner Pants, I cannot WAIT to meet you in San Diego. I feel like we have semi-parallel lives. I just hugged my computer reading your post, which, as others have noted and I surely agree, was GREAT. Keep doing what YOU'RE doing, and don't be swayed by anyone who doesn't understand training. Those people don't understand what it's like to cross the finish line. Best,Nic
Posted by: Nic | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM