Little Miss Runner Pants

which is cool and all, but it wasn't training. it was off season.

so february 1st = marathon training.

since then its been 9 weeks of hill intervals, speed-drills, long distance running, H2O, protein, carbs and friday sleep-fests in preparation for Saturday Long Runs.

9 weeks. in an 18 week training period, means... what?

we're at the half way point folks. which has hit me this week like a ton of bricks.

ever since brew to brew, my 15 miler..... things have been....off. my legs have been sore, tired... i grow weary of running with-in the first few minutes of mileage, i find myself saying "i can't" a lot more often than normal.. its been rough.

last week i even contemplated turning around and calling it quits at the first water-stop i got to.

on an 8 mile run.

i mean come ON! lets get it together here folks!!!

so i did some thinking yesterday. i was a little forced to because about 10 minutes into my run, my body pretty much gave me the big eff you! and uh.. there was no more running to be had. i sat down in this semi-secluded stairwell and took... a moment.

this moment may or may not have involved some cursing. tears. talking to myself infront of God and everyone... beating myself up, telling myself where to go. i was... well...

not in good shape.

and it took a while, but i finally realized something, something i haven't let myself admit, because i didn't think i was allowed...

but i am allowed. i finally decided, and i think, what i need to do, is just go ahead and say it, and let it out, so that i can move past it.

so what is it??!

i. am scared.

i'm scared of training, i'm scared of Marathon. i'm scared of working as hard as i have for 9 weeks only to have to do it for 9 more weeks. i'm scared that all the hard work and dedication and sacrifice.. i'm scared its not going to be enough. i'm scared i'm going to get out there, to san diego, and i'm going to foul it all up. i'll get injured, or i'll bonk, because even though i should be ready... maybe i wont be.

i'm scared of not breaking 5 hours. hell, lets be honest, i'm even a little scared of breaking 5 hours, because wtf? i can do that?

can i do that?

i'm scared that i'm going to let down everyone that's been pushing me and supporting me for this goal that... that i'm not even sure i'm capable of attaining?

actually, no. thats all bullsh*t.

truly, honestly, when you get right down to it... i'm scared because... i think i can do it. i'm pretty sure i have it in me, and realizing that i actually believe in myself, truly, that much...

that scares the shit outta me.

its not about what if i dont do it. its not about what if something happens and i dont make it. whats got me all tangled up, is what if i do? what does it mean if i do?

i dont really have an answer for that. no, not i dont really have an answer... i super have no idea of an answer.

but thats where i'm at. that's my current struggle. its not the tired legs, the sore muscles..

its the mind. and as we all know, running is 90% mental, 10% phsyical. so i've got some work to do.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

~ Marianne Williamson

Posted by a.maria at 01:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (24) | TrackBacks (0)

eff

so i dragged my lazy butt outta bed, stumbled around my really really REALLY needs to be cleaned apartment and happened upon a pair of jeans. whatever, i dont even CARE if they're clean at this point, lets just get them on me so i can not be late to work... and with that, i threw on my shirt, pulled up my pants and...

wha? what are these?

i pull my pants back down, look at the tag....my....my gap.... jeans?...

...my Ultra Low Rise size X (yeah right like i'm about to tell you people my pant size!) going OUT dark gap jeans?!

nuh-UH.

i seriously must've checked out my own ass for a good 5 minutes, no WAY was i expecting my skinny jeans to fit so well. these are the jeans that hang in the closet that i turn to every once in a while to gage where i'm at size-wise. that i bought at my thinnest when i was training for marathon #1 that got juuuuust too tight to wear in the off season. and now?

they fit! and they dont just fit, they fit GOOD. like i'll definitely be wearing these out to the bar this weekend good..... going shopping for a cute top- gettin' crazy with my hair- puttin' on some strappy SHOES- good.

they... i...

ok. you get the picture. my butt, these jeans... winning combo. not gunna lie!

(tee hee!)

Posted by a.maria at 03:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (20) | TrackBacks (0)

like. APRIL april? like... long run weekend april? and half-marathon april? and... and...

dead smack middle of marathon training april? where you have to be really serious and give it all you've got and knuckle down and get your nutrition in gear and make sure you're getting enough protein so that you can recover because HOLY BALLS YOU HAVE TO RUN A REALLY REALLY REALLY FAR WAY april?!

um. cuz it is.

and i sorta just realized that.

and i think i just developed tourettes.

Posted by a.maria at 06:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (11) | TrackBacks (0)

its a bad situation.

one that, for reasons beyond our control, we can't get out of.

in which case i suppose its less of a blind date, more of an arranged marriage.

what am i talking about?!

see...i've never had a road bike. never had curly handlebars, never leaned over like i'm some sort of speed racer for better aerodynamic wind gushing... never knew a bike seat wasn't actually a seat, its a saddle. that the gear jobbers have names, as do all the other parts of the bike... things like fork and crank and... derailleur. what the hell even is a derailleur and why is it spelled that way?!!! seriously?!

i never knew that the kind of bike you get determines the color you get. which is messed up, why can't they just paint bikes in a variety of colors? would that be difficult? no!

i never knew riding a road bike felt so wobbly, that there's so much more to shifting the gears than just click, oh! now its harder/easier to pedal... !

and i definitely never knew i could have such chemistry with the damn thing!

Bike and i (that i feel as though he, he, deserves a capital letter, is kinda weird....) will have the kind of relationship, i can already tell, that doesn't make any sense.... but works really well. you know what i'm talking about... we'll argue, and butt heads, and spew distaste for one another, but secretly we'll grow to love and care for each other.

yeah.. cuz, see... this is what happened.

we're at the bike store. Bike America, for those in the area, this is my little plug... they're super nice! go there!... ok done. anyway, we're at the bike shop and mister bike guy is telling us all about tri bikes and road bikes and carbon something and gears and shifter things on curly handlebars and, like the good student i am, i'm paying NO attention, what so ever. its a bike, what could possibly be that difficult about it?.. okay lets find me a good color.... and with that, i'm off in my own world.

a little later he gathers us up and starts getting people out to test ride the bikes. he's looking around at all of us and ya know, who wants to go first, and all that...

we have a few volunteers, he picks out appropriate sized bikes, and shuffles them out the door. he then comes back and asks who's next.

well. me.

he looks at me, looks at the bike he's chosen for me to test ride, looks at me again and goes... "uh. i should probably get you a helmet"..........!!!!!!

WHAT!?!???!?!?!? why do i need a helmet? nobody else had a helmet? omg he thinks i'm some sort of gimpy clutzy bound to cause an accident bike rider. omg. OMG! wtf?!

of course my coach and everyone i'm there with finds this to be just utterly hysterical, and i'm mortified. you've got to be kidding me. this dude has barely met me and he can already tell i'll need a helmet. eff.

he comes back with the helmet, i inform him i actually think i got it under control without, gather up whats left of my pride, grab the bike, and head outside.

i may have even tossed my hair a little. HMPH!

so we're outside, and we've all got our bikes, and its my turn to go. and for whatever reason... i'm nervous. oh hell its a bike for crying out loud. and a parking lot. just mount the damn thing and go! so i swing my leg over, push off, and go.

30 seconds later, i know i'm in trouble.

oh flip. this is wobbly. okay shit this is really wobbly. maybe its cuz i'm going too slow, its easier to balance if i go-NOPE! okay dont try and hold the bottom of the curly handlebar that is a bad bad bad idea. ummmmm. okay. so. going faster. thats.. good. thats...

omg how do i slow down omg i dont know where the brake is. omg. OMG. how do i brake HOW DO I BRAKE?!??!?

so somehow, without braking, i negotiate the turn-around and decide that since i dont know where the brake is, because i am the most awesome brilliant person ALIVE, i'll just not pedal anymore. i'll come to a rolling stop and just put my feet down and i'll stop.

no big deal.

so i try that and.......... MY FEET CAN'T REACH THE GROUND. what the hell is wrong with me?! i should have taken the helmet.... so i roll along, realize i have to do something, stand up on the pedals, and just.. kinda...

hop off.

whew. okay. THAT was stupid.

i walk over to my little group, everyone is laughing at me, and my coach informs me that THESE THINGS RIGHT HERE (points to the gear shifter things) double as my brakes.

oh. right.

that actually makes perfect sense. WHY did i not think of that? and really? how did i make it this far in life, i am obviously not a bright person.

guh.

but as i stand there, bad-mouthing the bike and its stupid handlebars, and gear shifter things and how its wobbly and ackward and I DONT LIKE IT...

in the back of my head i'm thinking dude. that was so fun!

but the bike i had just ridden was a boy bike. it was boy colors and boy looking and i felt like it was laughing at me behind my back and oh yeah? well the orange/yellow one is prettier anyway.. so screw you!

and that right there was the beginning of me and Bike.

no matter what bike i rode, what the color was, how the handlebars were adjusted, the pedals, the seat...

none of them fit. i felt ackward, felt like i was leaning too far one way or the other, the gear shifter things were annoying, the handlebars felt funny... they didn't fit.

not the way Ugly Boy Bike fit.

and after testing out the pretty orange/yellow one once more, just incase.....i knew. my coach knew. Bike knew.

Ugly Boy Bike was meant for me. it was mine before i even walked in the store. his attitude, his sarcasm.. the way he laughs at me for being stupid.

oh yeah. i was going home with him. he's not the color i wanted, he's got curly handlebars and weird shifter things, he's outta my pricerange and makes a fool of me in public to boot.

yup. he's perfect for me.

this is gunna be fun!

Posted by a.maria at 03:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (28) | TrackBacks (0)

yeah, so... Bike and i. chmm. uh-huh. goooooood times. this is gunna be fun!

more story to come, but i've been running/bike shopping all day and am just a little too busy to bust out an entire post about the experience of bike buying, but, let it be known...

lance ain't got nuthin on me and my TREK baby!

NUTHIN!!!!

(ya know... once i learn how to um. shift... and. stuff. ?!)

Posted by a.maria at 01:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (13) | TrackBacks (0)

"you dont understand Mexican women."

"oh? Mexican women are different?"

"they're like most women... except, more so."

Posted by a.maria at 06:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

his 14th marathon, to be exact.

and.... his SECOND marathon that he came in under X:XX:XX time!!!!! (yeah right as if i'm going to spill the beans!)

so. go. read. be joyous and elated for your fellow runner, cuz its stories like his that get me up and out and on my way hitting the trails everyday.

.... er ya know. every other day!

and viper?! once again?! congratulations man. title of My Running Hero definitely goes to you!!!

Posted by a.maria at 08:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBacks (0)

i hurt the kind of hurt that should only ever really be reserved for the day after defeating monsters such as marathon. ultra-marathon, and mega-ubatron-super-long distance running.

yesterday was the 12th annual brew to brew relay run. 10 people running 10 legs consisting of 3-5 miles. easy. fun. kc to lawrence......... basic running joyousness... right?!

right. unless... of course....... you believe yourself to be a brilliant planner/schemer and concoct for yourself a 15 mile course running strategy with your running buddy, Liver Guy, who runs, easily, one minute per mile faster than you do.

which, because i apparently, do, indeed, believe myself to be brilliant and masterful of all things running related...........???!?!?!......... concocting such a running strategy is just what i did.

it went down like this...

10:30am-ish rolls around, Liver Guy meets me at the leg 4 starting point, and, like the genius runner i am........ we set off.

with sub 11-minute miles.

the plan was to run legs 4, 5, 6 and, leg 7.. my official leg of the race. it would total 15ish miles, we'd get to run together, in that whole misery loves company way, and we'd be marathon training heroes... conquering the 15 miler together.

the problem, however, was that one minute mile difference between our running.... and it wasn't liver guy's fault. au contraire... it was all me.

cuz i was running sub 11-minute miles. consistently. for many distances..... and i was loving it!

but my body... on the other hand......... not so much.

i would get into the run, mile by mile, like normal... but really, as horrible as it was near the end (really, really horrible, especially having to grab onto a rope at mile 14+, look down a rather steep/rocky embankment, and find a way for my legs to maintain what little strength they had left in them so that i could repel down to the gushing, flowing, white-water-rafting river below me only to get into a boat, be pulled a cross said river, and climb back up out of the riverbed... to finish out my 15+ mile run) ..... as horrible as all of that was..

it was really just kinda mostly fun. i've never run with someone before.. especially someone who runs faster than i do (something i may want to not do in the too near future, come to think of it, cuz... ouch), which means i never knew i even could run faster... which means i never knew i really am progressing as a runner and OMG like totally hello! how cool is that!!?!

so.. i give you my splits......

leg 4 = 2.3 miles
10:50
10:16
3:05 (.3 mile)

leg 5 = 4.96 miles
10:59
10:33
10:45
12:12 (hill)
10:26 (.96 mile)

leg 6 = 3.31 miles (of hills)
12:21
11:44
11:00
3:11 (.31 mile)

leg 7 = 4.65 miles (including repelling down to the river, going across it in a boat, and climbing back up the other side)
12:51
13:14
11:44
15:01 (ha. yeah who's tired? mmm--that'd be me!)
6:55 (.23 mile... repelling down to boat)
6:02 (.42 mile... climbing up riverbank)

like i said..... i started my run out way too fast. like mega-ubatron-fast, and, to nobody's surprise, least of all me... i hit a wall. with a thud.

and i'm still paying for it.

but the pain, while unpleasant, is mostly kinda funny, in that whole "i totally did this to myself" way.

besides....getting your ass kicked by a run every once in a while's good for you..... right??!!?!

Posted by a.maria at 10:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (14) | TrackBacks (0)

so, i hope you all have a lovely day/evening.. i'm going to leave you with photos of the 28th Annual St. Patricks Day Westport Run...

um. i got really excited at the end, and thought it'd be fun to leap in the air. good times, right?!

Posted by a.maria at 09:39 AM | Permalink | Comments (20) | TrackBacks (0)

what are these. how do you know what they are? i mean, personally, how do you set each speed? how do you know when you're supposed to run them?! whats the difference between easy and recovery. if tempo is... tempo... why isn't it race? wouldn't you race at the tempo that you're used to running?

is it bad that i dont know this? am i doomed? because i run all my runs... just... how i run them. i'm like ooooh, tired. take walk break. oooooh..energy! go faster! ooooohh this is boring...run slow. ooooohh this is fun, be speedy.

with, much to your surprise i'm sure..no rhyme or reason.

just... run. just running. thats all i do. go. go further. then go a little further than that.

and up until now, i thought that was all i needed... but i'm kinda beginning to wonder!!?!

Posted by a.maria at 04:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (19) | TrackBacks (0)

am i right?!

so. head on over, sign up, and join in on the madness that is.........

COLLEGE BASKETBALL, BAY-BEE!!!!

damn i love march!

Group ID#: 88099
Group Password: rbfamily

Posted by a.maria at 03:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (10) | TrackBacks (0)

the week consisted of constant lamenting over the upcoming weekend long run, every saturday morning a new set of nerves, and every last few steps of every run ended in wow. i can't believe i actually did it!!

it was a challenge. it was an adventure. it was new. scary. everyday there was something to write about, to share with the RBF, because OMGOSH i just ran 4, 8, 10, 16.... 22 miles! holy bananas people! and i'm still alive! still breathing! whooooooa!!!!!

it was an unforgettable time. it was me really pushing my body and mind to the limit. in every run there'd be a stopping point, a breaking point, and in 5 months i learned more about myself, and what i'm capable of, than any other 5 month period of my life.

hands down.

and i loved it. i found out what i have in me, and what i'm willing to do for something i want so badly. and it not only surprised me, i think it surprised the hell outta pretty much everyone else too.. she's hardcore....who knew?!?!

so this week, when Army Runner Guy came up to me and asked about this weekend's run, and i heard myself say, ever so casually, oh i dunno.. 8 miles or something. 7. i'll probably just do 8. meh. we'll see, and i realized how non-chalant saturday runs have become, how part of my routine, and how unassuming the prospect of running had become..

i about fell outta my chair.

even Army Runner Guy, who i went to, without fail, e-v-e-r-y friday to discuss the next day's run... even 4, 6, 8 mile runs... even he was a little taken aback. you're really into this now aren't you? you're hooked for life!

and yeah.. ya know, i am?!

but as i sat there, i got to thinking... wait a second. i want that intensity back. i want the fear, i want the challenge, i want the constant struggle, so that i can have the constant triumph...

and without skipping a beat, Army Runner Guy said don't worry. you'll have it. everything you learned while running correlates directly with life. you'll be surprised what you'll find you're capable of..

and i feel like it all finally clicked.

i look at my life right now, and compare it to, even just one year ago. where i'm living, what i'm doing, who i choose to surround myself with, and who maybe isn't the best influence in my life and.. maybe i deserve more. i look at my quality of life, quality of living, and i can see, here and there, signs of A.Maria... little miss runner pants herself.. in almost everything i do.

i think quite truly for the first time i get it... its not just about the fitness. its not just about the great little endorphin rush as you hit 5, 10, 15 miles... its not just the medal at the finish line...

in every corny, ridiculous, cheesy, cliche way... it really is about the journey. its the journey of the runner. not the runs... the runner.

its taking the feeling of wow, i can do anything i put my mind to (that may be the most cheesy, corny, can't believe i actually wrote it down line i've ever written. )... its taking that feeling, and actually doing something with it.

THAT'S what i get. and that's what i'm doing.

so as i sit here, drinking a glass of champagne, i cheers to you. i cheers to the feeling of fear, struggle, doubt, pain and intensity. for without those, there can be no reward. no triumph. no joy.

i cheers to all of you that got it such a long time ago.

and i cheers to the journey, because hell... thats what it's all about!

Posted by a.maria at 05:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (27) | TrackBacks (0)

when doing hill repeats.. for the second time in your LIFE.. ever... do not mistake the ease of the first few hills as a sign of... oh. i guess i'm pretty good at these things now......

do not think to yourself it is a good idea to sprint up a few times, just cuz maybe that could be fun...

and above all... do not, under any circumstances, convince yourself that if you just walked up hills # 13-16 backwards that you could finish your repeats on a high note.

trust me on this one okay? just.... don't.

Posted by a.maria at 04:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (11) | TrackBacks (0)

and he's smart. successful... talented.

tall. he's really tall. i stand on my tip-toes to lean up to kiss him and fumble with his legs when we're on the couch.

he curls up next to me while we watch tv, and his arm falls asleep because i can't help but lay on him.

he sings one or two lines from a song he's heard that day... quietly, in my ear, and gives me chills... i'll giggle and squirm, and he'll do it again.

when we watch our team play, he'll shake his head at my lack of knowledge for a game i love so much, and laugh as i whooosh after every made free-throw.

he plays with my hair. pushes it back from my face when it gets outta control, and runs his fingers thru my curls.... always ending in a tangled frenzie-my hair's impossible-but when i apologize he just answers with a kiss.. and attempts to de-tangle.

he's sweet. he's attentive. he knows when i want that glass of water, but that its just out of reach, so he leans over to get it for me...

and its not that it's such a crazy thing to do... its just that he does it. without me asking him to, and he'll just smile at me when i hand it back.

he calls me. just to say hi, hows your day, and.. come over i want to see you.

he's comfortable. he wraps me up and we go to sleep and it just feels right.

so last night all i wanted was a "me too". just a small one. no other words, no other talking, just between whispers and a small i like you.. i just wanted a me too.

but i didnt get it. he didn't say it.. didn't say anything. and it broke. whatever it was that fit so well with us.. it broke.

there was no me too. just silence, a look, and afterwards, back home in my own bed...

a tear. cuz i really liked him.. but i needed the me too.

Posted by a.maria at 11:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (33) | TrackBacks (0)

and what is it with 10 miles of running that i just love so much!!!??!!

cuz.. yeah.

ok, so, 7am this morning, i pull into the parking lot. there is.... nobody. lots of cars, gu, gatorade, the works.. but no people. i stand around for a bit pondering the situation, when it hits me (about 5 minutes later--why it took me that long to realize this only further proves my earlier admissions that i am not brilliant.. oy. ) that oh. they probably started at 6am.

so. its kinda sprinkling, its about 35*, and i'm all by my lonesome. whatever. not like this is a new thing for me... and with that.. i'm off.

now then... running in the rain IS a new thing for me. i know, i know, you're probably asking yourself how could this be a.maria... rain is a common natural occurance, how is it that you've never, in all your running days, run in the rain?!

well okay, okay. i have run in the rain. yes its true. but i've never started and finished a run in the rain... and ive never run for this long in the rain... and the rain was never torrential downpour (which, it wasn't this time either, but i just thought i'd put that out there...)

so, point being.. i was unsure of what to expect. i had on my totally cute adidas running pants (totally cute. that i'm saying that about running pants.. i.e. tight spandexy material that clings to my buttocks.. well.. thats saying something about these pants, lemme tell ya!) and a long sleeve and a jacket.. a head band and a HAT! (ooh. definitely my first time running with a hat. Running Chick may just be onto something. i felt uber-running-goddess-chick-like, and the hat may just be a permanent addition to my saturday morning routine!!)

anyway, turns out.. i was perfectly suited to run in the rain... and.. it was kinda fun!

the first few miles, were, as always, a challenge. i've been dealing with some very very tight calves/shins lately, that feel ever so much like steel rods running up and down my legs... but i kept telling myself once i was warmed up, they'd feel better, so i managed to push thru the discomfort.

after this weeks speed-interval session with KK i had kind of assumed i'd have that heavy tired leg feel, but surprisingly... i felt pretty energized, and, before i knew it, i was at the 3 mile mark.... 34:02 without even trying!

heh. how 'bout that..

i gu'd up, waved to a few runners i recognized, and was back out and on my way feeling pretty good about myself.

at this point, the rain began to pick up. it went from hmm.. kinda sprinklin' out here today to more of a oookay. yeah its raining. this is definitely rain and i started to notice a bit of a squishy feeling in my left foot. my shoe was sopping wet, as was the rest of me... but.. what are you gunna do, right?! so.. i ignored it and pressed on.

about 20 minutes later, right at 56 minutes, i was at my half-way point. 5 miles. still feeling pretty good and still a bit surprised. where this energy came from is beyond me, but i turned around, and headed back.

as i'm sure you can all imagine... 5 miles. easy-cheesy. feeling good... ooh yeah. a.maria conqueror of all came out to play for a bit.

i am running retardedly well today. look at this! i'm passing people left and right!.. granted... they're walking... but hey! i'm passing them! i'm friggin on fire! i'm gunna knock out these 10 miles in no time! and its STILL a month away from my half-marathon! thats only 3 more miles than what i have to do today!

hell. i'll probably win the damn thing!!

yeah right.

as always, the feeling of I RUNNER. ME ROAR. never lasts for more than a mile or two... and come 7.5 miles... i caved, and was soon dusting my run with bouts of walking.

not a LOT of walking. but.... walking, all the same. my knees were starting to ache a bit... the rain and the wind had both picked up so i was starting to get a bit chilled, and.... i still had 3 miles to go.

but not all was lost. because i only had 3 miles to go, too!

so i grit my teeth, sucked it up, and finished out my ten miles in under 2 hours.

my one goal for the day... done and done. 10 miles. 1:53:23. average pace of 11:20. didnt break any records, but i was pretty pleased with myself by the end. so with that, i got in my car and drove home... smiling all the way.

cuz ya know what?! i just love me some 10 miles!

Posted by a.maria at 08:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (13) | TrackBacks (0)