Little Miss Runner Pants

25 seconds in 2 months is... well.... just...

no.

normally someone saying something like this to me... "you can't"... its not pretty. i retaliate, like a crazy woman, channeling the latina hell-fire rage with-in, and set out to prove them wrong.

no. not to prove them wrong. but to annihilate them with their own wrong-ness. to destroy. to.... nullify their existence. (ooh! fun with dictionaries. okay. moving on.)

point being... nobody tells me i can't do something. ever. because nothing motivates me more.

strangely, though... this time?! i just took it.

i listened to this very knowledgeable, very kind, very generous runner who genuinely was trying to help... who did, in fact help... but i listened to all the reasons why 4:59:59 is out of reach, and i said...

yeah. okay. i'll just shoot for 5:15 or something...

just like that. giving up on my goal because... someone else told me i set it too high.

i know, right? what happened to A. Maria, conquerer of all???!?

apparently, she was on vacation.

thankfully, though... i have Texas Boy.

Texas Boy is..... well. he's.... Texas Boy. one of the few people in my life unimpressed with my latina rage. meaning one of the few people in my life unafraid to call me out on my own total and complete bullsh*t.

he's good at it. always has been. and this time was no different.

he listened to my new marathon plan, the advice given to me by the well-meaning runner, paused to reflect on it for a moment, and responded with...

"that's BULLSHIT A. and you know it."

*sigh*
i hate when he calls me out on bullsh*t. not that he does it all the time... but... he does it all the time!

and 10 times out of 10... he's right. so this time... even as i put up a fight, argued that this was the right thing for me, and that i have many years of running ahead of me... i've only been running one year... i don't want to get injured...

even as i made my argument... i knew. its all bullsh*t.

he made his point. i hemmed and hawwed with what about this... what if that....

but in the end, he was right.

since when do i let someone else talk me out of something i know, deep down in my soul, i know i can do. since when am i afraid of failure? since when have i ever, EVER been so scared of something that i just gave up?

since when....? since NEVER. thats not me. thats not who i am or what i'm about. not reaching a goal doesn't crush me, it makes me fight.

i get up, brush myself off, and start again.

that's who i am. that's. who. i. am.

so this week... i trained. i trained with purpose. i took the schedule that well-meaning runner gave me... a good, hard, intense schedule... and i ran. i was focused. determined.

not to prove him wrong though... not for that.

but for me. to remind me. i'm running this marathon for me. not for him. not for Texas Boy. not for my coach...

for me.

so i pushed.

all week long, my mind reeled. 18 miles saturday. 18 miles saturday...... eight. teen. miles.

and i knew. i knew, all week i knew... this run was do or die. i had to find out. i've never really pushed that hard before.. never really wanted to know, really...

but this week was different. this week was for me, and i had to know. had to at least try.

marathon pace.

those 25 seconds.

18 miles of me vs. me. facing off against my own fears. my doubts. my reasons why not.

18 miles. 3 hours. 25 minutes.

i got to the TNT meeting point an hour early. the team was running 8 today, so i was going to get in an early 5. run 8 with the team, and then an easy 5 more after.

my plan went something like 5 miles of 11:30 pace. 8 miles of 11:15. 5 more miles of 11:40.

i've never planned a run before. i didn't know what i was doing. but i figured... hell. worth a shot, right?

the first 5 miles... flew by. i was right on target, without having to really think about it, i was in it. i was in it, ya know? and it felt amazing.

but it was 5 miles. never once today did i let myself think about the entire 18. i was running a series of 11ish miles. thats it. and i just had to do 5 for now.

and i did.

11:02
11:28
11:19
11:28
11:12

56:31... almost a full minute under where i needed to be.

and i was thrilled.

7am rolled around and i met up with my team. Stripe Shirt was there, for the first time in a very very long time, and i was...

i can't even describe my mood. everything was right. the whole morning was just.... good.

we gathered around KK to learn that today.... was hill day. and i? less than pleased.

eff. eff, eff, eff. how am i going to keep pace on HILLS?!?!? gaaaaa--fuuuu--errrr---

phooey.

i was a little skeptical, but i turned back onto the course, and went out with the team. 8 mile loop. hills.

11:15 pace.

daaaaaaaah. FA! foooooo. SHIIIIII... crap.

took a bit for me to warm back up!!

however, after a few miles... i was back in the groove. Stripe Shirt and i were back to our old ways.. playing cat and mouse up the hills and over the flats. it was good to see her.

i was happy again. it was a gorgeous day, i was more or less on target pace-wise.

things were good.

8 miles is a long way. especially after you've run 5 already... so i was waiting for my body's first signs of fatigue. thinking, as i topped each hill, that surely i can't keep this up? this is almost fun... wtcrap is that about?!! but i figured it was best not to dwell...

so. i ran a series of 11 minute-ish miles... and.. life was good.

we rounded out our 8 mile loop, my 13th mile alarm went off, i stopped my watch, glanced down and about fell over.

13 miles.... 2:25:23

11:18
10:56
weird garmin thing* (.25 miles... 2:29)
10:37
11:21
weird garmin thing* (.88 miles... 9:23)
11:15
11:21
weird garmin thing* (.87 miles... 10:04)

i... no. NOPE!. no. there's no way. no. NO....

SS and i finished at the same time, so i turned to her to see if she had what i had...

"hey can you uh... can you check your Garmin to see what pace we ran that? i'm a little confused."

"yeah sure.... uhh.. 11:10 average. wow. good job. you're 5 ahead huh?"

"yeah... i uh.. yeah. cool"... WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUU??? omg. i'm doing this. i'm actually doing this. 11:10/pace? thats.. wow. okay.

no, i can do this. yeah... no, yeah. i....

at this point, obviously, i was a bit confused. i hadn't really been pushing that hard. i'd taken walk breaks, in hopes of conserving energy for the last 5 miles

(HA!! yeah right. lets be honest. i'd taken walk breaks because i was tired)..

and i'd definitely slowed on those last few hills...

but..

okay?! sure. 5 miles. one hour... thats like.. 12 minute miles. i can do that. i can... i can do that.

i took a little bathroom break, downed some gatorade, water, gu and was back on the road for 5 more. solo.

this............ is gunna suck.

just like that a wave of doubt rushed over me. my legs were spent. i'd cooled down, so had to work to warm back up, my quads were so, just so very sick of hills, and i was pretty sure i felt the hintings of a blister on the bottom of my foot.

5 miles. 5 miles. just... run 5 miles.

even though you've already DONE 13..... don't.. don't think about that. its 5 miles. FIVE MILES

screw you no its not... its 14-18, and i dont want to RUN ANYMORE!!!!!!! eff this. eff it. i'm tired. god there are so many hills. and i just...

maybe i just can't do this

and with that i knew. this was the test.

and i was failing.

i got to the bottom of yet another hill and realized.. i'm not with the team! i can turn down side streets! side streets don't have hills!

i don't care if this is cheating... whatever. its still getting the distance in... and... I LOVE SIDE STREETS!!!

i was in heaven. somehow i had chosen this mile+ stretch of road that just had the slightest downhill grade, and suddenly miles 14 and 15... i was cruisin.

i was back.

back didn't last long though..

i'd gotten a teensy lost, had to stop a fellow runner for directions, turned down the road ahead and realized..

i still have forever to go.

and i don't know if i can do this.

mile 16... i started to crumble. 2 more miles. 1.7 more miles... 1.5 more miles...

i didn't understand how i wasn't done yet. i saw my time frame for 2 miles go from 30 minutes, to 27... 25.... and i was struggling.

i can do this. i can do this. i have this in me. i have to push.

push, A. get up this hill, and push. stop wasting time. stop letting failure be an option. its not an option. push. you're legs aren't tired. you feel good. push.

i looked at my watch, and it read 16.9 miles. 3:09

i was at a stop light. i quickly did the math in my head, and i knew...

if i really wanted it, i could do it. but how bad do i want it?

and i crumbled. into a ball, on the corner of the street, i stopped my watch, and i crumbled. and i cried. i couldn't breathe i cried so hard. it was everything. it was everything. it was knowing i could do it and wondering if i had it in me. it was the feeling of disappointment that i wasn't done yet mixed with the feeling of joy in that i was almost there. it was how tired, just how tired i was... and knowing i could still go on.

it was me verses me.

and i didn't know how to make it stop.

i dont know how long i was there. 1 minute? 5? no idea. but i stood up, and had to finish that mile. 16.9. if i just went a little more... i'd have one mile left.

so i turned the corner, and ran.

moments later, the mile alarm sounded off, i looked down, and in a rush of emotion realized i had 13 minutes left, stopped my watch, and was overwhelmed.

i needed a minute. i needed a minute to get it all out so that i could take these 13 minutes and finish it.

i'm not sure what thoughts went thru my head. there were a ton. Liver Guy was in the parking lot and asked if i was okay.

"i'm having an emotional breakdown. i have to do one mile in 13 minutes to be on pace."

"13 minutes? you're on pace?!?!?!!!! that's great! you can do that. you can run/walk that in 13 minutes. this is a good emotional breakdown. you can do this!!"

"ha. thanks."

i stood there... and i looked at the road ahead, and i knew what needed to be done, and i knew i had it in me.. i knew.

but i didn't know.

i headed out for that last mile... and a few hundred feet later... had to stop. walk. run. walk. run. walk...

STOP IT AND JUST GO!

my watch just kept ticking down. 13 minutes to finish. 9 minutes to finish. 4 minutes.

17.83... four minutes. okay thats.... .2 miles in 4 minutes. i can.. walk. i can walk

i walked.

what the hell am i doing? RUN!

i ran.

i looked down...

17.92 miles. 2 minutes.

please just let me do this

>>>>BEEP BEEP BEEP....BEEP BEEP BEEP<<<<<

18 miles.

3 hours.

24 minutes.

25 seconds.

i didn't know i had it in me.

but i always knew.