no longer afraid
last october, with only a handful of days left before San Francisco... i felt so much. the entire experience was just so saturated with emotion, and thought and feeling… it was overwhelming. but in such a completely, entirely different way than what i feel now.
i learned, last year, with my first marathon…. i learned that i can do. not just that I can do a marathon. run a marathon…i learned that I can do---anything. The Journey showed me so much of who i am and what i have in me... it was life changing. completely and wholly, life changing.
so when i signed up for number two... i expected more of the same. i expected a repeat of emotion and drama. i expected to learn even more about myself and come out the other side an even deeper, more whole person.
but it didn’t quite work out that way. nothing about training for this marathon worked out the way I thought it would...
i didn’t get much faster... i got faster, yes. but i didn’t get much faster.
i didn’t get much thinner.... i'd like to say i got a little thinner... but in all honesty, i’m not even sure i got at all thinner.
i didn’t move up from the back of the pack to the middle of the pack. i moved over to the always show up even if its snowing/raining/damn hot outside pack… but it was more of a lateral move. i’m still bringing up the rear.
i didn’t have any revelations about who i am, or what i want in life. i didn’t break down at the end of every long run because holy shit i never thought i’d ever be running 8, 10, 12….20 whole miles!!.
i didn’t do any of those things… and this whole time. this whole time i’ve been training… i’ve wanted those things. i’ve thought maybe i was doing something wrong, maybe i was... maybe i wasn’t working hard enough. training hard enough. maybe I needed to add a 5th day to the schedule. maybe i needed to cut out this or that from my diet. maybe one more glass of water a day.. maybe that would have done the trick?!?!
something... anything…
but then i was talking to a friend last night. i don’t even remember exactly who i was talking to at the time, i’ve been so just completely out of it lately...
but i mentioned this feeling. this non-life-altering feeling... and how confused i was by it...
and they said something, something that struck me, they said..
"ya know.. maybe that’s the point?!"
and i think... i think they might be right.
my journey, this time.. my journey isn’t that of a first time marathoner... because i’m not a first time marathoner. my journey isn’t to find out who i am, who i want to be, what i’m all about... because i’m already living that life.
i don’t need to search it out, because it’s here. it’s me.
and it just feels so strange not to be afraid of that anymore.
but that is the point, is it not?! to finally feel good in your own skin?! to finally be able to look at something you want to do, some event, some new skill, some new distance... to be able to look at it and know that you can. you can do. and not be afraid?! not wonder, constantly what it means for your life, what it means for who you are, what it means, what it means, what it means.
that is the point. that is the lesson, and my God what an amazing lesson.
i’m not scared anymore. i’m not scared of me.
my life doesn’t hinge on me finishing this race in 5 hours. my life won’t suddenly mean less or mean more if i beat the clock, and i’m not more or less of an athlete depending on how hard i am on myself before, during, or after the race...
i leave for san diego tomorrow, and i don't know. i don't know what will happen..
i don't know the course, i don't know the weather. i don't know how my knee, my shins, my calves... i don't know how my body will hold up.
but i do know that no matter what, i'll be back. no matter what the time on the clock, no matter the pain, no matter the rush of emotion as i cross the finish line...
i'll pick myself up, dust myself off, and i'll be back.
because this is who i am. and i'm no longer afraid.
Comments
DATE: 1:46 PM
I love reading what you write. You've got wonderful way of wording your thoughts and feelings that transmit them to your readers. Maybe thats why millions of people read your site and post comments. I'm sure you'll do great, and I'll be praying for you and looking forward to reading your story when you come back.
Posted by: SJT | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 1:43 PM
good luck! you'll be great!
Posted by: Raul! | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 1:42 PM
Tackling fear is a big acomplishment! Did you ever think that people would be calling you crazy for wanting to run 26.2 miles, and then those same people gave you funny looks when you told them that you wanted more punihsment, and your reply would be a smile? Not only have you completed one marathon, now you are on your way to completing two. Be proud of yourself for at least a few minutes, have fun, and GO TEAM!
Posted by: Al Durham | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 12:56 PM
Cool, a sincere good luck to you, runner susan and whoever else is running this thing this week. Have fun, be strong, be healthy and live the moment. Look forward to the report.
Posted by: Bob | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 12:53 PM
what julia said. But i will add: Remember to have fun! and hydrate. and take salt. and you will be a rock star.
Posted by: jeanne | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 12:46 PM
Good luck. We've been thinking of you, Joe and I. Remember to go out slow, save some for the last 10k, enjoy the race, take your nutrition on schedule, and maintain-maintain-maintain. Let us know how things go...
Posted by: Julia | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 12:21 PM
but you are someone new by not being new. An alumni. You've posted about it in your TNT posts. And you're becoming a cyclist. You are on your stepping stones to your next great moments.
Posted by: stronger | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 3:17 PM
You'll do great! Just take it easy in the first section with the hills. After the long downhill (as I recall somewhere around mile 8?) it's easy cruising.OK, maybe not "easy". But you're ready for it! Enjoy it - San Diego can be a blast.
Posted by: Kurt in Boston | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 3:04 PM
run strong...and remember the RBF is with you
Posted by: susie | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 3:01 PM
Good Luck this weekend!!! go go 4:59:59!!!! I look forward to reading your report and have a great time out there!
Posted by: LeahC | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 2:56 PM
get your 'Run On' AJ.we'll be cheering for you right to the end!
Posted by: Bolder | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 2:34 PM
First of all, I know you've got 4:59:59 in you...all of us know that. If it doesn't rear it's head this weekend, that's okay...it's saved for next time. :)You're going to be magnificent this weekend. Hopefully you'll be able to touch base while you're out there...if not, good luck!!:hugs:
Posted by: Running Jayhawk | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 2:32 PM
It's just the sophomore slump for marathoners. The mystique can't be matched. But summon the enthusiasm you had for the first, without so much fear, and you'll rock on the course. See you Saturday.P.S. That virtual course gives me motion sickness.
Posted by: Anne | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 2:15 PM
I'm telling you - you are going to have a blast. San Diego is a great marathon. You go girl!
Posted by: 21st Century Mom | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 2:11 PM
kick some californian butt! and i'm looking forward to the race report
Posted by: Running from my House | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 1:31 AM
I totally agree with what you say in your post. You just don't feel it the second time because you have gone through the whole realization during your first long distance competitive run. It however, brings in a lot more discipline in your life which is worth millions of dollars...have fun running and do visit my blog sometime.
Posted by: Shumit | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 11:09 PM
see you there!
Posted by: Amanda | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 9:52 PM
Forget 4:59:49. Shoot for that 4:45:00 that is in you. Good luck with the race - you can do it!
Posted by: Garou | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 7:16 PM
We have the same goal expect I'm running in Chicago. Best of luck - I"m sure you can do it.
Posted by: Nicole | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 6:54 PM
Have fun! I just ran my second marathon about 3 weeks ago. I didn't feel satisfied at all with my training this time around and thought I might actually finish worse. But alas, I had way more fun, felt more confident once I got going, and ran way better than I thought. Yes, it's a very different experience the second time around. But just having one under your belt can give you that edge you can't train for. I'm sure you'll do great. Best wishes!
Posted by: Brad | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 4:55 PM
Good Luck A.... Have a great race, can't wait to read the report.
Posted by: Flo | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 4:15 PM
Good Luck! I look forward to reading your posts after the race! I am sure you will do just fine! Enjoy it! That is what running is all about!
Posted by: teacherwoman | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 3:31 PM
Good Luck, A.! I know you can do it. Come on 4:59:59!! The first one was to prove to yourself that you could. This one is just because you know you can. Have fun with it! We'll all be cheering for you and anxiously awaiting your return and your post race report.
Posted by: runnergirl | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 3:28 PM
Great post!! Good luck this weekend!!
Posted by: marathena | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 5:41 PM
Smile for the cameras!
Posted by: David | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 12:56 PM
GO ON hermanita. You are going to rock :)
Posted by: Wil | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 7:23 AM
GOOD LUCK THIS WEEKEND RUNNING!! Have fun!
Posted by: Running Rabbit | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 5:54 AM
Run strong and may the marathon gods be with you:) I'll be cheering with my pom poms.I always enjoy reading people's views of what they learn about themselves through this process. The second one is just so different but it can be a great one too. Enjoy yourself and can't wait to hear your report!
Posted by: Uptown Girl | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 5:02 AM
You can only run one first marathon. After that milestone, all others are just additional increments. It's no surprise that your excitement level is very different from last year. The primary challenge is no longer the distance, it's now the skill with which you cover the distance. Go out there, enjoy the trip, run the race. Prepare well and run well. I have no doubt that you'll PR and that you'll come away from the race feeling good about your run, but feeling you could have done better. I wish you a race with no surprising challenges.
Posted by: Scooter | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 4:40 AM
You'll be great. Can't wait to see you again on Saturday!
Posted by: ncmunchkin | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 4:16 AM
Good luck, don't forget to smile at the finish line!
Posted by: Jack | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM
DATE: 4:16 AM
GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!! Have a safe trip and a GREAT time! You're going to do AWESOME!!
Posted by: Rae | July 4, 2006 8:02 PM