** this... is a long post. its novel long. and i will more than likely sound like a cry baby, not make any sense, and annoy the pants off of most of you... so if you don't feel like putting up with it, i'd suggest moving along!! **
as some of you may or may not have noticed... i've been a little, mmm... dull!?!... lately.
little miss runner pants' corner of the world has gotten a little gray... a little lame.... okay, alright, its been down right pathetic, i mean lets be honest.
i MAJOR pussed out on the MARATHON #2 race report.. i've been hiding behind vacation pictures and weekend lake get-a-ways. i've informed you all of my bunion-itis issues and even went so far (got so bad) as to post pictures of my feet!!! (but damn aint they some cute feet?!?!!!)
i've not been me. i've been.... a sad, diluted, really kind of very sloppy version of myself, and believe me, it hasn't gone unnoticed. but times... thay's a changin.
and for starters, i think i need to just open up a bit about where my head's at with this whole running bit.
i alluded to all of this a few posts back, but boingo's and runner susan's posts today made me feel as though perhaps airing it all out in writing might do me some good. so this is more for me than for you... i apologize if i get a bit long-winded, but here goes...
when i started running last june.. everything was new. and exciting. i was constantly learning more and more about my body and mind and the sport of running, itself. i was making sacrifices. living a life of determination and will. and getting schooled, weekly, by a new and longer distance i was up until then not yet familiar with.
its was a whirlwind summer. and then fall... and then event. Marathon #1 will never be forgotten. not even in my probably quite crazy-lunatic-sporatic old woman days when i'm leaving bathrooms with my pants around my ankles.
it left me with a feeling of i can't wait to do this again... but do it better!!
i was injured, but my spirit was not broken. i took a few months off... two, actually, i took two months off, and then began again. running.
running, and running, and running... and oh by the way, how about run some more?!!! .......okay!!! SURE!!
i felt the fire under my ass... burning me, pushing me, to go hard, run faster, more and more and more... and then i did. with my epic 18 mile/3:24:25 run.
and then... nothing.
something broke a little, and i'm not entirely sure what it was. still now, i don't know quite what happened, but i was drained. and the last month, month and a half, of training, was.... exhausting. not physically, but just... mentally? maybe? i don't know. but i wasn't showing up for my runs, if you know what i mean.
marathon 2 was an emotional one for me. not in the way of #1... obviously, but... emotional. i found myself crying at just the oddest times, and i wasn't sure, really, why.... until mile 18.
ani, whom some of you had the pleasure of meeting.. ani is one of my closest, most dear to my heart friends... and i stayed with her and her boyfriend and roommate that week out in san diego. in the days leading up to the marathon, we sort of talked about them coming out to watch me run (the route goes about 3 blocks from their house along mission bay) but i never really actually expected them to come see me. ani.. SDGirl... yeah, sure. but her boyfriend? roommate? no. never. they'd just met me... what did they care?
but mile 18, as i rounded the corner, turning down along the bay.... there they were. jumping and cheering and laughing... there they were.
and i just...
i can't explain to you what seeing them meant to me.
i couldn't hold it together. for the next mile, maybe two... i was a crying, blubbering, running, unable-to-breathe mess.
since i started running, besides my parents coming out to san francisco... i've never, not ever, had anyone come out to a race. in all the small 5K's and 10K's... the little fun runs... i've never had anyone cheer me on. i've never had anyone call afterwards to see how it went.. i've never..... i dunno. i've never experienced that. and....
i'm not sure, entirely, what that means. but every time i stop and think about it... i just get really, really sad.
meeting all the RBF'ers... having Nic and SDGirl at the finish, waiting for me... seeing Boingo and his wife afterwards, calling Runner Susan and NCMunchkin... i don't know, it was... nice. ya know? it was really nice.
where am i going with this?
... running, this past year, has made me give up a lot. i know i'm not alone out there, i know everyone goes thru this, and i don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me or think oh wow, what a rough life... i'm not looking for any of that with this, i'm just saying... i've had to give up a lot.
and with that went my social life. the ability to stay out past 11pm. drink. go to happy hour. randomly meet up on tuesday nights at my favorite tuesday night bar, because?!?!... oh, well because i had to run on wednesdays, didn't i mention?!
and after a few months of not showing up, of not going out, or leaving hours early... always, always, always saying nope, i can't.. i have to run tomorrow..
my friends, just... stopped inviting me. and my friendships... they aren't what they used to be.
running, training, its a lifestyle. its a committment, and it takes work, and its hard.
no. nope. its not hard, its effing brutal. and when you don't have anyone in your corner, anyone to share it with...
its just very, very lonely. and i don't think i realized it until i finally had what i'd been missing, in the form of support, out there in san diego.
the 5 hour goal.. it's tougher than i thought it'd be.
the running 4 days a week... oy. thas'alotta running.
the friday nights alone in prep for saturday runs... they're pretty quiet...
but the saturday nights alone, because you're exhausted from the day's exertion, AND because... your phone just isn't ringing anymore?!
well.... they suck.
and i'm just not sure how to fix it.
so this next month... is going to be a balancing act. i'm not training. that much i know. but i'm not quitting the run, either. so somewhere with-in all that, i've got to figure out how to be this person i've worked so hard to be. how to live this life i've grown to enjoy so much, and how to find the support and the friendship that i miss so much, because that's taken a toll on me in ways i think i'm just now realizing.
i feel like i'm starting all over again. mentally, emotionally... i'm where i was a year ago, not really knowing, not having any idea what in the hell i'm doing. with anything. with running. with my career. with my housing situation. with my friendships. with my thank-god-i'm-single because i don't have time for a relationship cop-out status..
i'm a bit of a wreck. i'm in limbo. i just want to take my damn bike out for a ride.... i mean... i don't know exactly what's going on..
but that's where i'm at.
not too exciting. and kind of a little sad and pathetic... though i warned you it would be!
but, thats me. for better or worse...and now that its out there, in the open, i guess i can move forward and do something about, right?! maybe stop being so friggin lame all the time?!!
who knows, maybe tonight i'll figure it all out and be back on top of the world by morning?!!!
right... and if you believe that, i've got this great bridge i'd love to sell you!!
