say my name, b*%$#
i'm being manhandled by my bike.
he is reaching up, grabbing me by the proverbial balls, and owning me right now.
i thought before, i thought.. you know. he was just making a point. just letting me know this is a two-man operation and that i gotta run some stuff by him before i go off half-cocked and take over as next year's Tour Champion.
and he mostly had a point.
at first.
but now? this?
this is just ridiculous. but i finally realize, thanks to some brilliant bloggers who they themselves have working, healthy relationships with their bikes..
i realize, its not really his fault.
it's mine.
cuz i don't know his name.
i'd be pissed off and ass-like if someone was riding me and didn't know my name either! (and that didn't really come out as intended. but. hence the name of the post, i suppose, eh?!)
anyway. the malfunction is apparently mine, and i think its time i call in some help.
in the form of you, oh wise ones.
take a good look at my bike, and tell me.... what do you think his name is? because Ugly Boy Bike just ain't cuttin it anymore.
and i don't know how much more of his attitude i can take. i need to make love, not war with the dude.
first though... i just gotta know his name.
so. what do you see when you look at him? cuz all i hear when i ask is..
well. you know.
Comments
I see "Dumb A##" as a good name for the bike. I hope your biking gets easier. Hang in there.
Posted by: Denise "Firefly" | July 31, 2006 11:15 PM
How about you call it Schlomo until you get it fixed - then it can have a loftier, more powerful name.
Posted by: 21stCenturyMom | August 1, 2006 12:37 AM
I'd go with PeeWee. It may seem like an insult that will hurt his self-esteem, but since Pee Wee Herman is one of the greatest and most famous cyclists of all time, the name shows respect while still letting you show the bike who is really the boss. And the man knew how to ride his bike...
Posted by: solobreak | August 1, 2006 5:33 AM
Being from the south, I'd say Buford...
Posted by: Wes | August 1, 2006 5:54 AM
Well since I live with rednecks you could go with BillyBob but alas you live in the midwest. The best option for you would by Roy in memory of Roy Williams.
Posted by: Kurt | August 1, 2006 6:47 AM
tommy toughnuts
Posted by: Kim | August 1, 2006 7:04 AM
I think everyone's got it all wrong. He is a he. He's swarthy. He's got rough edges. He can bust kneecaps if he wants.
(**begin foreign accent**)
But he is latin. Inside, cheri, is the heart of a lover that just needs the right woman to . . . how you say . . .
eet eez, fortuna . . . destino.
He eez, Nico. He will carry and protect you a la fine. For heem, to lose you woulda be una peggiore della morte.
Ah, Nico . . .
Posted by: Greyhound | August 1, 2006 7:11 AM
How about Todd? It just reminds me of the Bill Murray character from SNL that gave Gilda Radner (& Mrs. Luebner) a hard time.
She would just belt out 'Taaaahhhhhd' cuz he was a pain in the ass...so to speak.
Posted by: Haight | August 1, 2006 7:47 AM
How about Richard Cranium?
That way if he gets out of line, you can call him "dickhead" withoutreally insulting him...?
Posted by: Flatman | August 1, 2006 7:48 AM
Bubb?
Bastard Ugly Boy Bike
When you get it fixed and it becomes the finely-tuned machine that it can be, you can change the first B to Bitchin'
Posted by: Rick | August 1, 2006 8:03 AM
Chuck? Cause all you wanna do is chuck him to the side of the road and hope he gets run over by a semi?
Or Stan...cause...well...why not?
Posted by: RunningJayhawk | August 1, 2006 8:23 AM
LOL…..’Save a horse and ride a cowboy…’
Kert, which is Trekie-like……
Posted by: TNTCoachKen | August 1, 2006 8:44 AM
geeze, i could barely name my kid. and her name turned out to mean "woman of sorrows." Nice.
I can think of a few names, but this is a family channel.
I got nothin'.
Posted by: jeanne | August 1, 2006 9:46 AM
LMRP, the most fitting name for you would be "EFF"
As in:
EFF, what's up with the derailleur?
EFF, another hill.
EFF, the chain dropped again.
EFF, we gotta go!
Posted by: Kevin | August 1, 2006 11:32 AM
hey! i agree with Greyhound... mr. bike is Latin.... obviously. but i think he's more of a Raoul....
Posted by: gecko | August 1, 2006 1:58 PM
greyhound nailed it. he even gave it some back story.
nico.
bello.
Posted by: jeff | August 1, 2006 2:24 PM
are you sure your gender is right? something that hostile must be female.
Posted by: Runner Susan | August 1, 2006 4:35 PM
Actually I think your model of Trek was made in Taiwan. That would make him Asian. I say is name is Sum Dum Fuk.
Posted by: TriBoomer | August 1, 2006 6:22 PM
Greyhound is on the right track, but I saw more Italian than anything else.
This is a bike that you don't like at first, but will soon become "one of da family." So it should definitely have a family name.
Because, let's face it, when you're part of "the family," you're a force to be feared, reckoned with. And if nothing else, he can "take care of business" for you.
I say it's Vinnie, or something along that line.
Posted by: Iron Pol | August 2, 2006 6:43 AM
Maybe it should be simply "the dude"
or to keep the "eff" flow it might be effinhimer to make it kind of sound like a real name.
Posted by: walchka | August 2, 2006 8:12 AM
i would call it the "turd burglar" because it looks and acts like a piece of sh$$!
Posted by: Eddie | August 2, 2006 12:41 PM
how about sh!t bags?
or wyatt?
whatever it turns out to be, i'd be happy to fashion you a sticker to label him with so you'll never forget.
my bike doesn't have a name, but we seem to get along fine, nonetheless. i think i stopped naming my bikes when i was in 6th grade or so.
Posted by: Anonymous | August 2, 2006 2:38 PM
Definitely a male bike. Shaft. John Shaft. Because he keeps giving you the shaft.
Posted by: Run, Momma, Run | August 2, 2006 3:20 PM
I think his name should be Chet from Weird Science. That guy was a dick and then he turned into a turd. :-)
Posted by: Brandi | August 4, 2006 8:12 AM
I know it's been a week since you've posted this...but you haven't mentioned a name so here's my suggestion:
You really need a positive name. You should call your bike Victor.
Victor: a combatant who is able to defeat rivals
Victor: One who defeats an adversary; the winner in a fight, battle, contest, or struggle.
Don't you feel stronger just reading that definition.
You need Victor.
Victor is strong.
Victor is Confident.
Victor is a victor.
You can always revert to name calling when he treats you badly.
Now go...christen Victor.
Does one use a champagne bottle to christen a bike? Or just a new tube of chain lube?
Posted by: Michelle | August 7, 2006 5:57 PM
Duh...I forgot to add the rest of my url when I posted about Victor. ~ Michelle
Posted by: Michelle | August 7, 2006 6:00 PM
The names "the man" or "boy toy" come to mind. Anyway, as my husband would say hop on it and "Ride it like you stole it!"
Posted by: CindyLouWho | August 8, 2006 4:05 AM