there goes the groom
and so it arrived today.
the envelope.
the big white envelope, with the st. louis return address.
his return address... written in her handwriting.
i knew it was coming. i talked to him not a week ago about it, and i knew. he designed it himself.. as i knew he would, and asked me what i thought.
on the computer.. it was fine. good.
black and white.. clean.
san-serif and square in a very Architecty kind of way.
justified type, spaced perfectly.. no widows or rivers. perfect typeface, great use of small and uppercase lettering...
it was good. well designed. simple..
nice.
and so i of course knew it was coming.
but in the week that's gone by.. i forgot. i got back to my life, my routine, my story, and i forgot all about his...
until today.
just this evening.
"carolyn and ted K. request the honor of your presence at the marriage of her daughter jennifer lynae w. to.....
kevin michael g."
*my kevin michael g.*
and then i remembered.
its funny how something so light can feel so heavy. how seeing a thing is real, but holding it... touching it...
makes it true.
kevin and i.. Architecture Guy and i.. we were high school sweethearts. we dated for years, five years and we had a great love. a first love.
he was and is one of the most wonderful, caring, thoughtful guys i've ever known, and we remain friends, even after so much time has passed..
so the thing is...
i'm not sad.
i'm not upset, i'm not teary-eyed..
i.. don't know what i am.
i'm paused.
because this was supposed to be me.
this could have been me. years ago, we came so close. and i don't regret it, and i'm sure he doesn't regret it, and i don't wish for it now, i don't long for it, but...
i'm effected by it. now, sitting here, opening the envelope, pulling out the invitation...
i'm effected.
and i can't describe it really, but i feel like i'm... paused. i have no other word for it.
reflective maybe?! i'm not sure...
but i can't stop looking at it.
looking at it is like looking at every decision i've made in the past five years since i've been with him. each decision that's brought me to where i am now.. who i am now. and how far, how very very far i am from what i thought i wanted so many years ago.
holding onto that envelope is like holding onto a life i almost had.
and that, i would think, would make anyone pause for a moment... just to think. just to wonder...
what could have been.
what almost was..
but when i look at it, i don't cry. i don't mourn for a life almost lived... i look at it and smile. genuinely happy for *my* kevin michael g...
i smile. i mark the box to let him know i'll be attending.. alone.. and i smile.
sure, that life might have been great.. but ya know, the thing of it is?
the life i have now?!?
its even better.
and i wouldn't have it any other way.
Comments
Rock!
Posted by: lisa | September 16, 2006 10:13 AM
you are awesome.
Posted by: Stephanie | September 16, 2006 11:31 AM
Amen.....
Posted by: TNTCoachKen | September 16, 2006 12:24 PM
Great attitude. Hopefully the pause doesn't last too long and you get back to your awesome life!
Posted by: Laurie | September 16, 2006 12:37 PM
rock on sista, rock on.
Posted by: justjunebug | September 16, 2006 01:26 PM
Very honest posting! Possibly too honest
Posted by: John | September 16, 2006 04:11 PM
Hang in there! I still love my high school sweetheart too - 13 years later - and really good friends now too. Keep your chin up and rock on!
Posted by: Denise "Firefly" | September 16, 2006 08:18 PM
Aww, I know the feeling, i'm best friends with my ex who i was almost engaged too and actually hooked her up with her husband. Going to the wedding?
Posted by: wrenchingwinz | September 16, 2006 09:11 PM
Beautfully written...I love the description of feeling paused.
Posted by: Run Momma Run | September 16, 2006 09:27 PM
you deserve a puppy paw.
Posted by: good ol' j | September 16, 2006 10:25 PM
To have love and lost is better than never having loved at all..or something like that. Great attitude about the whole thing and keep living your awesome life.
Posted by: Al Durham | September 17, 2006 10:36 AM
Well said! I can somewhat understand what you are feeling...not fully, but somewhat.
Most importantly, you are happy!
Posted by: Teacherwoman | September 17, 2006 10:54 AM
*Gorgeous* writing, girl.
Posted by: Veeg | September 17, 2006 02:53 PM
awesome post.
Posted by: ali | September 17, 2006 03:39 PM
everything i read these days is making me CRY! y'all cut it out!
:)
Posted by: jeanne | September 17, 2006 06:26 PM
Great attitude. Rock on!
Posted by: Sempre Libera | September 17, 2006 07:55 PM
yikes. so you're ok?? if not, let's go for a run! :)
Posted by: margarita | September 17, 2006 08:17 PM
i am posting this here, because well i cant find an email link...
but i was curious didnt you run San Diego? and if so where can i find the post(s) about that? the dates on the recap of marathon 1 didnt jive with the SD run...i am thinking of doing it next year.
Posted by: justjunebug | September 18, 2006 07:55 AM
Gulp. As much as I sometimes *bitch* about being on my own, I'm still thankful everyday I didn't go down another route. I'm glad you feel the same way! It's normal for it to give you pause, but you're absolutely right - life is better for you this way!
Posted by: J. Lee | September 18, 2006 10:04 AM
as someone who went through a similar situation in college (getting THE wedding invitation), i must say that you absolutely NAILED everything i felt that day i got the invite. not sad. not upset. not even teary-eyed. just looking out the different roads we had both gone down in the previous three years... i, too, knew that my life was pretty awesome and that i couldn't ask for better. i know what you mean. thanks for putting it out there.
Posted by: Nytro | September 18, 2006 04:58 PM
WHOA.
Damn, girl, you and I could have a nice long conversation about this one. You completely described it. Hit the nail on the head.
Thanks for your comments, BTW! You rock. Next time I'm in St. Louis, I'll...oh wait...that's still kinda far from KC, huh? Crap...well, hopefully someday we can hook up!
Posted by: Sara | September 18, 2006 08:18 PM
Yes...paused. I couldn't have put it any other way. I'm friends with my ex-fiance who I almost married after 8 years. High school sweethearts and now good friends. I admit that I laugh watching my married friends now because I'm still free!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: Porscha | September 18, 2006 09:00 PM
Very well said. So many people are so jealous of our awesome lives. I feel bad for them.
Posted by: Josh | September 18, 2006 09:57 PM
What a mature attiude to have. I don't know if I would be able to be so cordial. Good for you.
Posted by: jkrunning | September 19, 2006 05:44 AM
This is off subject, but a little distraction never hurts. I see that you've joined Mike Rutherford's Ironworx classes. Excellent. One piece of advice. Take it easy and build in some rest.
I attended a few classes last year, but mostly followed the workouts on his blog. Throwing myself at these physical challenges is fun, but I kept getting hurt. Nothing awful, but the kind of stuff that keeps you from working out and enjoying life. A back here, a hip there, a calf later on.
One of the consistent contributers to Crossfit's message board, Larry Linderman recommended following a four week cycle. Week one you scale the workouts down by 1/2. For example, do 3 rounds instead of 6 or 12 reps instead of 24. Week two and three are full speed. Week four is a rest week. Walking, swimming, yoga that kind of stuff.
I followed this advice and its made a huge difference.
My $.02.
P.S. Your story reminds me of a great quote I like to pass along in times like this:
"'This too will pass.'I was taught these words by my Grandmother as a phrase to be used at all times in your life. When things are spectacularly dreadful; when things are absolutely appalling; when everything is superb and wonderful and marvellous and happy-say these four words to yourself. They will give you a sence of perspective and help you also to make the most of what is good and be stocial about what is bad." -Claire Rayner
Posted by: Gus | September 19, 2006 08:36 AM
re::: GUS
heya! i'm so glad someone's familiar with coach rut. love him...
fyi, i've been going to crossfit now for almost 3 months. i go 3X a week and go all out... i've found that consitency is the key... the more you go, the more you're able to do. i haven't gotten injured or burned out.. quite the contrary, its made my biking/running much stronger.
i think it totally depends on the person.. i, personally, LOVE it and am pretty much addicted, but i do appreciate the comment!
also.. you should come back to the class.. whats nice is coach rut is there to make sure you keep form, something you can't do alone!!!
Posted by: a.maria | September 19, 2006 08:41 AM
Thank you for the invitation. I would love to. But my family and I live in Waldo and I work downtown. It's too much to make the trek to Lenexa. As it is the only time I have to exercise is between 5 and 5:30 a.m.
That being said Mike's coaching is valuable. Particularly his help with the olympic lifts. You should stay with him as long as time and your pocketbook allows.
Keep up the strong work.
Posted by: Gus | September 19, 2006 09:14 AM
oh gosh... yep, like you and Nytro... I got THE invitation once. you handled it better than me, for sure. but still, i held onto it for a while. and then, as i was addressing MY invitations a few months later, i looked at HIS and threw it away... and didn't send him one of mine. 'cause my guy was SO MUCH better than him... and lets face it, i am SO MUCH better than her.
you rock chica.
completely.
Posted by: mipper | September 19, 2006 06:09 PM
I have read every single post, from day one, and this one might be my favorite. It's my favorite because it rings so true to me right now. I am at the end of a very very long term relationship, and I just found out 2 weeks ago that my former fiancee (we've only been apart for a year) has just gotten married. I'm also at the beginning of a life altering journey that I'm setting about for myself with running. I hope that in a few years, I can maintain the kind of perspective and wisdom that you have shown here.
Posted by: Selena | August 3, 2007 11:48 AM