that felt good.
i loathe running.
i really do, i hate it. i hate it in that way that every once in a while i completely love it, so i want to get better at it, but i never do get better at it, so i still just really hate it.
and i avoid it, make excuses not to do it, find reasons to put it off and just down right skip it...
i do. and i'm really good at it.
but yesterday enough was enough.
sometime during the day yesterday i made the decision to run to crossfit. i figured i'd just get it outta the way. go home, change clothes, hit the road. so i pulled on my shorts, grabbed my long sleeve-really doesn't match-but dammit i don't care-t-shirt, popped in the i-pod and started pounding the pavement.
and it was weird.
for at least the first mile, if not more, i was resigned to the fact that in a few minutes, i'll have to walk. i can't keep this up, there's no way. i'm not sure, but i think i'm going too fast... i'll definitely burn out here in a few steps..
but the thing was... i didn't.
i kept waiting for it, waiting... i'd get a little glitch in my shin, my knee would feel... i dunno. something. and i'd be sure..
and then nothing.
somewhere around HyVee i realized i was almost there. i was half-way up a somewhat unimpressive hill and had energy to spare. i was about to make it all the way with no problem....
i'd dodged all the pot-holes, hit all the green lights, passed a hot dude running the opposite direction and didn't trip and fall...
i was practically there! footloose and fancy free!
by the time i got to crossfit i was... obviously.. congratulating myself.
i was so proud. without shame, proudly announcing i ran from home and did not walk... i was excited as could be.
until... i saw the clock.
5:14pm.
i ran 3.4988 miles in.... i did some quick math and...
36 minutes.
thats a little over a 10:15 pace.
and i ran that!
and thats when i knew.
i loathe running. i hate it. i really do, but not because i'm not good at it. not because i'm slow, not even because it hurts and i'm lazy and i don't want to do it.
i hate it, in that way that i love it, because its so true. its so true.
i hate running because i can get better. everyone, anyone can get better. but there are no short-cuts. there are no easy outs, no ways to fake your way through. and there's not much in life that gut-checks you in quite the same way.
i ran that. 36 minutes, i did that. but not without work. not without a lot of work, and thats when it hit me.
running faster, being fit... these people i look at that make it look so easy, so natural...
sometimes, sure, part of it's that, but.... sometimes, ya know what?
it's not.
behind the slimmed down bodies, the rock hard abs and the toned and tanned legs are hours and weeks and months of work.
yeah sure the past few weeks have been... unsound. nutrionally. training. i've been a big fat trash heap.
but for once, and finally.. thats not the norm! thats not who i am, or how my body works... and just look at the reward.
3.4966 miles in 36 minutes. for me?? thats huge!
for once it all just kind of hit me. its not about i can't, i'm not built that way, and woe is me.
its just not. its about work. and sacrifice. and dedication. and realizing brownies and ice cream do not a meal make.
and i hate that. i hate running for proving that to me.
but ya know what? i hate it, in that way that i love it. and realizing that...
it felt pretty damn good.
Comments
Well, said sista! That is almost exactly how I feel. Running is a love-hate-hate relationship in that I hate it so much that I struggle but I love it so much when I see the gains! We have our ups and downs and then some more downs, but there will be those ups everyonce and a while! How inspiring!
Posted by: Teacherwoman | February 27, 2007 2:54 PM
Glad you had a great run! Isn't that the bitch about anything worth while - you can get there, but you're gonna have to work. You go, girl! Oh, and thanks for turning me on to Crossfit. Way cool.
Posted by: Larissa | February 27, 2007 3:08 PM
Here! Here!
No matter what I do, I'll never be "fast," and I hate that part. But I was thinking yesterday that I've been running off and on for 20+ years, so I must love it.
Posted by: drbubba | February 27, 2007 3:09 PM
I don't like running as much as I like what my mind does while I am running.
Posted by: stronger | February 27, 2007 3:52 PM
"but there are no short-cuts. there are no easy outs, no ways to fake your way through. and there's not much in life that gut-checks you in quite the same way."
You're so completely and totally right. And I think you've totally pinned down what separates a real *runner* from someone who just runs. Way to go!
Posted by: Sempre Libera | February 27, 2007 4:18 PM
Awsome post AJ, love it!! Great run!
Posted by: Bob | February 27, 2007 4:31 PM
I do believe that little miss runner pants is back. God have I missed you!!!!!! I like reading about your crazy life stunts, and about your biking. But I LOVE reading about your running triumphs. Your running posts just reach me in a way that very few others do. I could have written so many of them myself! Welcome back, little miss runner pants!
Posted by: runnergirl | February 27, 2007 4:32 PM
big fat trash heap?
you are little miss RUNNER pants -- don't ever forget it!
i was AMAZED at the shapes of people at Ironman that were kicking my ass... it really is just about doing the work.
p.s. when i clicked on your post title in bloglines, it brought me to your blog, but, without your header and left/right content? that's why i was missing your cute goggle/snow hat shot!
Posted by: bold | February 27, 2007 6:46 PM
That was a really great post, and it totally sums up my feelings about running during our 15+ year on-and-off relationship. Good for you for sticking with it.
Posted by: The Rover | February 27, 2007 7:16 PM
You are too cute! That last paragraph is quite deep. I like it.
CONGRATS!!!!! :)
Posted by: Tammy | February 27, 2007 8:18 PM
I love this post. I have the same relationship with running.
Posted by: jkrunning | February 27, 2007 9:05 PM
What? Brownies and ice cream aren't a meal? Shit. I didn't get that memo.
But this post is brilliant. Absolutely. Positively. Brilliant.
Congrats on your rockin' time. I, am officially, uber jealous. :D You rock, Ale...you rock.
Posted by: runningjayhawk | February 27, 2007 10:39 PM
Congrats! A long time runner,but newbie triathlete, I currenlty have this same relationship with swimming. Remembering how it felt when my running got better, faster, easier, more fun is what keeps me going in the pool. Congrats!
Posted by: Robyn | February 28, 2007 7:48 AM
see, you are the epitome of inspiration. after proclaiming you are a big fat trash heap (meanwhile you were SNOWBOARDING which burns, what like 593598 calories per minute?) you managed to rock out an awesome run?
YOU RULE! :)
psst, how are the pullups coming along?
Posted by: Kim | February 28, 2007 8:41 AM
AWESOME POST! AWE.SOME.
You are where you are, and you control whether you stay here or whether you become the vision in your mind's eye.
What happens next? Dare you to move!
Posted by: Greyhound | February 28, 2007 9:07 AM
36 minutes for 3.5 miles on a normal everyday mid-week run is pretty darn good. And the nice thing is that those sort of runs build on each other if you just keep the gremlins at bay.
Watch out or I'll have to make a snide comment about you hating running the same way you and Army Guy aren't an item. (Did I say that out loud?)
Posted by: Iron Pol | February 28, 2007 9:18 AM
GREAT post. One of the best posts I've read in running blogdom in quite a while.
Posted by: Cliff | February 28, 2007 9:38 AM
As much as you say you HATE running, the funny thing is…you're still doing it. Youve' got discipline and strength, babe!
My belief is, "Doing the things we hate makes us appreciate the things we enjoy doing MORE!"
I used to hate running (that's what led to that belief) now I can't go without it.
Posted by: Patrick | February 28, 2007 10:10 AM
Remember it is never about the time, it is the journey that counts. Some of us are never going to be as fast as we want to be. Be proud and happy what you have accomplished and continue to do. Besides Army guy thinks your great also just like we all do.
Posted by: Kurt | February 28, 2007 11:27 AM
Good days are so motivational! Gees, you are making me miss running :-( *grumble grumble stupid hamstring*
Posted by: Danielle in Iowa | February 28, 2007 12:37 PM
Remember...
it almost never gets worse..;) and pain is temporary just be glad you can run..
.
.
Posted by: the Ratt | February 28, 2007 4:11 PM
i totally love hating running. later.
Posted by: aham23 | February 28, 2007 9:37 PM
Wow. That is great. So spot on.
Posted by: Josh | March 1, 2007 12:02 AM
Wow, its like you were in my head! I hate running, but I love it at the same time. Its sooooo freakin hard for me, but when I do a long run and realize after what I DID, I feel awesome! Hang in there, at least, thats what I tell myself...
Posted by: Meagan | March 1, 2007 4:13 PM
Nicely said. It's a damn shame that there is no coasting in running, while there is in that other shall-be-nameless sport.
taking that first step is the hardest. I'm glad you surprised yourself.
Posted by: jeanne | March 2, 2007 8:21 AM
WORD!
Posted by: jen | March 2, 2007 10:31 AM
Whattya mean, brownies and ice cream do not a meal make?! Now I have to change my whole diet. Signed, The Doughnut Girl.
Posted by: bex | March 4, 2007 7:35 PM
Awesome post.
Posted by: Sarah | March 6, 2007 2:39 PM
I have always had a love/hate with running...and honestly, if you do the running and continue, you'll improve...by a lot. I started out again after being fairly decent in high school to find I'm slow...10:00 was relaxed pace, now 9:00 is relaxed...you speed up slowly...but it comes.
Posted by: Danielle in MN | March 7, 2007 11:45 AM