double whammy.
so...major breakdown freak-out much?
umm... OKAY!!
*sigh*
today's been a day. it still is a day, and damn if i don't entirely know how to handle it.
this past weekend, easter weekend, i went home to the lou. easter is one of my absolute most favorite holidays, has been for ages, and woe be the only child who does not venture home for such an occasion. my mom would've killed me!
this weekend was also, however.... tax weekend. and car weekend. house weekend. dog weekend. ira weekend, savings account, nest egg and credit union weekend, and i??
am. exhausted.
2007, from the get-go, has been... because i have declared it so.... my year. and so far?! so good. i'm loving it. and its been going phenomenally, fantastically well.
but its only april... and the year, quite apparently, has only just begun.
for those of you that don't know me... or that haven't quite picked it up in my various blog ramblings... i. ladies and gentleman....
am a commitment phobe.
down deep to the core of my soul, i am scared of forever. and where normally i play into this fear by moving every few months, squashing relationships before they have a chance to squash me and rent rent rent... never own..
that whole scheme just isn't uh... working. anymore.
but i so want it too!!
in an attempt to somehow curb the inevitable realization that i am, in fact, becoming an adult, this weekend... after sitting down with my parents and talking it all through... i decided to plan.
i would just plan it out. there would be a plan. i would make a plan, i would stick to the plan, and this whole commit to a car, house, animal, potential life in kansas city that lasts longer than orginally intended thing... it would all be fine.
nay... good!
it was my plan. and it involved, little, tiny, baby like steps.
invest some money...
then wait a few months.
buy a car...
then wait a few months.
get a dog. a *gulp* house.... but
you know....
wait a few months.
it was a good plan. great! until...
today.
this morning after talking to HR, i made a visit to my local banking establishment, sat down with a banker lady type chick, and enacted step one.
retirement plan.
bank talk bank talk bank talk... pick a plan.... pick a price... bank talk bank talk bank talk oh holy shit i'm really doing this bank talk...
done! sweet. that wasn't so bad??!?!
step two --- get an oil change. i want to hold onto my car for a while (remember!!?! wait a few months!!) so i figured i better get on that whole maintenance thing.
ooooh, plan. how you have failed me so.
the oil change went something like this..
"yeah.. so that noise you were hearing..." (i'd been hearing a noise.) "... yeah, that noise is your exhaust pipe.
it seems to have completely rust through. it's... like... not even attached. it's pretty bad."
HA!!! haa haa.. ha. *ahem* @%$#^%#%$#@$# i have no idea what this means.
**blank stare... blank stare...**
"and uh.. also??!?! you seem to have some sort of oil leak. we don't know where it's coming from, but... there's some moisture, so... we know its there. so you might wanna take a look at that.."
right.. right. good. thank you, thanks.
no, really. yeah... thanks for that.
after taking a moment to compose myself...this is not something to freak out about. you can handle this... this is no big deal. YOU STILL HAVE THE PLAN i went to visit mister muffler man.
after confiding, i don't know... maybe a little too much.."well you see, the thing is i'm thinking of getting a new car. i mean i'm planning on it. i just wasn't really necessarily going to do it like.. NOW, but you know... i mean so what do you suggest? i could pay for this, but do i need to? can it wait? what do you think.
tell me everything you know."
what can i say. i'm a friendly gal.
*ahem*
anyway.
basically... i need a car, oh i dunno... yesterday. mister muffler man informed me that he can jimmy-rig it... maybe... he can fix it... or, if i want to get a new car, i can let it go...
"but i wouldn't wait more than like a week or two at the most. you're exhaust pipe's completely rusted through. you're probably getting some carbon monoxide leak into your car.
and you might die."
i....... W-H-A-T!!?!?!?!
m'hmm, yeah. oh he said it, thats right... I COULD DIE. and death is never good, thats really not even an option for me right now, so...
i got back in my car. (of death.)... i rolled down all my windows... and breakdown freak-out mode... well lets just say....
it had begun.
after work, and after my 600 yard quick jaunt in the pool, i headed to crossfit. my safe haven. my place of fun, carefree, stress-free, just.... health. and joy. and just goodness.
until... garbled conversation-conversation -duathlon --saturday --gardner.
wtf? whuu? what??
DUATHLON.
SATURDAY.
GARDNER.
and i sort of i dunno... lost it.
something about it all being so real. the retirement plan was in action.. suddenly i'm frantically searching for a car, i'm worrying about being poisoned to death by my own vehicle. i have to go back to the bank to get financing, i barely know what that even means... i'm calculating rates, i'm using percentages (and i'm an art student people. THIS DOES NOT COME EASILY TO ME!)...
it was a long day. and to add to the mayhem, now i've got a race this weekend, my first not-just-one-sport-race... i've got running and biking and transitions to think of. i have multiple hours of athletics to plan for. i have nutrition to think about, i need to go buy new shoes because i've been putting that off, i don't even know where gardner is and yeah no problem.
kick me while i'm down, why don'cha!?!?!
like i said... its been a long day. and probably normally, under any other circumstances, any of these things... alone... i could handle.
no big deal.
but just something about the way they hit. something about coming home to an empty apartment. no one to talk to, no one to call. nobody to ask whats wrong. how's it goin. you can do it, i'm there for you, we'll get through it...
something about it being all me. all the time...
it was all just too much.
and for a moment... er. well... a few...
i just broke.
the upside, however, is... i'm resilient. i'm a go-getter. i'm, HEY!.. i'm me! i can do this... (i have to do this) and really in the end... its not all so bad. i haven't yet been poisoned by my death-mobile. in a few weeks i'll be living it up in a new ride and um..
yeah. its five days till saturday. thats um... thats LOTS of time! so this whole run from here to eternity, bike back, uphill, all the way, turn around and run again.
on your head.
yeah you know.. this whole duathlon/growing up/adulthood thing.
i might even find a way to survive.
and then all i have to do is wake up the next day and do it all again.
joy.
Comments
Yeah, wait till you get to the whole car payment/mortgage/kids/training for marathons thing...you'll be really freaking out then. I know, I'm here.
Posted by: ff_jeff | April 10, 2007 05:31 AM
You are a funny chica, omg. OK, so deep breath hermanita! Summer's comin'!
Posted by: wil | April 10, 2007 05:39 AM
the back to your empty space thing always stings. i may know a thing about that...
thankfully, it was The Bachelor night!
2007 -- The Year of AJ.
Posted by: bold | April 10, 2007 08:04 AM
That's the kicker about starting to plan. In about 3 months it'll be smooth sailing but until the whole plan is implemented all that stuff you've let go comes back to bite you! I think the best piece of advice I ever got was "there's a time to do everything and if you don't do it when you're supposed to, you'll have to do it later when it's not convenient at all." That's motivated me enough to keep up with (almost) everything - it's painful but much less painful.
You really can do this! Hang in there and keep ranting as needed.
Posted by: Habeela | April 10, 2007 08:44 AM
what i always try to remember in these situations is that there are single mothers out there making way less than I do, with way more mouths to feed and do it just fine. even gracefully.
in a couple of months all the planning an dhard work will totally pay off.
Posted by: miss petite america | April 10, 2007 08:54 AM
I say skip the dog!! It will make you feel less - committed.
Planning is hard for me and I never stick with the plan but at least making the plan gets me to think about things a little.
It certainly does sound like 2007 is YOUR year. Go Wild!
Posted by: 21stCenturyMom | April 10, 2007 09:15 AM
Breathe deep. (unless your in your car) You can so do this. The Duathlon will be FUN - have fun!
The plan is a thing of beauty. Trust the plan. And modify as necessary. Obviously, the new car thing is a good idea.
Hang in there, woman. You'll look back on this and laugh.
Posted by: Larissa | April 10, 2007 10:18 AM
deep breath. eat a cadbury creme egg. one thing at a time. now poop if you need to. you will be FINE! :) 2007 will be a great year!
Posted by: Kim | April 10, 2007 10:35 AM
i'm having one of those days too . . . .
rowdy's sister needs a good home . . . just fyi . . . and i deliver . . . so you don't have to drive yourself around in poisonous gas . . .
stay slow and steady - keep you head up and don't make rash decisions . . . it'll be ok
Posted by: Susan | April 10, 2007 11:00 AM
Like it was said before. Take a deep breath (don't forget to let it out!?!)
Don't you just love it when life hits you all at once. For me, it's tax time on top of my normal bills, getting the final stuff in for grad school, not having a place to stay yet for my race in FL in a month (and finding the $$$ for that).
Hopefully, the duathlon will be a respite & release for you. Enjoy it!
Hang in there, AJ!
Posted by: Patrick | April 10, 2007 11:43 AM
Awwww. Hang in there. As I always tell Coach T about being a "grownup," it gets easier. Sure, you get other challenges like the mortgage, the kid, the spouse, blah blah blah, but you also are more equipped to handle them.
**singing**
"The sun'll come ooooouuuuut, tomorrow,
Bet your bottom dollar that tomorroooooooooow, there'll be sun."
Posted by: Greyhound | April 10, 2007 12:04 PM
I'm sorry to take pleasure in your bad day, but you had me laughing with this post!
I can completely relate to this - my car hasn't died (yet) but I have been forcing myself into adult mode, and it sucks. It scares the hell out of me, but I think anyone who claims this whole adulthood thing isn't scary is full of shit. It'll be worth it in the end!
P.S. i went to college in MO, have many friends from STL. Glad I found the blog ... it's great.
Posted by: Krista | April 10, 2007 12:05 PM
Poor kid. I'm sick of renting and after my roomie story will be buying a house. Can I call you Killroy from know on?
Posted by: Wrenching Winz | April 11, 2007 08:42 AM
good lord... tell me, have you tried the cadbury egg cure? swear to god, it works.
oh, and when you had your freakout, were you on your bike in the middle of freaking nowhere where the only things to hear your sobs were the occassional buffalo grazing along the side of the road? cuz, if not...i gotta tell you, you're still more sane than i was on my last freak out.
hope things fall in to place.
Posted by: Nytro | April 11, 2007 11:59 AM
yeah, adulthood pretty much bites. but..i'm so glad you started a retirement plan! now you won't be eating catfood at 65 like I'll be doing!
So, just put one foot in front of the other. You'll get it all done. you don't have to do everything at once.
Gardner. Is this it?!? whoooo!
Posted by: jeanne | April 11, 2007 12:11 PM
Move to Virginia, get a state or local gov't job - free retirement and the option to do a 401k.
Posted by: Wrenching Winz | April 11, 2007 01:26 PM
Move to Virginia, get a state or local gov't job - free retirement and the option to do a 401k.
Posted by: Wrenching Winz | April 11, 2007 01:33 PM
CAR OF DEATH!!! LOL. love it. Just remember to breathe. I'd join you, but I have "burning lungs of death" right now, so you're on your own.
Posted by: Tammy | April 11, 2007 03:28 PM
Relax, learn to have fun and move to Long Island and go run with the fun people here!
Posted by: Kurt | April 12, 2007 07:15 AM