if we're really being honest...
then the thing is...
i'm scared.
i'm scared to death.
i thought i could do this alone. i thought i wanted out, i wanted my life back, back to what it was... i'd just quietly go about training, come what may, and it'd be enough.
but i was wrong.
a couple months ago.. i signed up for VIkingMan. a half-iron distance race in Burley, Idaho and... told no one. i didn't want the news to get out. i didn't want anyone to know... because knowing creates questions. questions create thoughts, and thoughts lead me to realizing.. in the end...
i'm still just really scared.
i thought if i stopped blogging.. if i stopped talking about it. stopped writing about it... just didn't ever mention it at all...
i'd stop being scared.
but it hasn't worked out that way for me, at all, and now... with IMKS looming in the distance...
fuck. fuck. FUCK. now what do i do?!
VikingMan is June 7th. in Burley... idaho, for god's sake. you know who's in idaho??!!
.....
exactly. NO ONE.
my parents have a cruise they can't get out of, i have zero friends that would even consider for a second traveling with me, and on the off chance that someone might care enough to maybe go with... there's a huge race in KC that weekend and.. well. everyone's booked.
and it just hit me. just a few days ago...
i'm going to do this alone. and ya know what folks?!
that sucks.
because as much as sometimes i really am just so sick of blogging, and don't like to run with other people, and am so slow on my gawd-damned bike that i'm alone most the time anyway, the truth of the matter is...
crossing that finishline with nobody there to experience it with..
just seems wrong.
if i can get past the what if i fail. what if i bomb. what if the hills are too much, i'm last out of the water, and can't make the cut-off time!!!?!?!?..
then the one resounding reply to all of it is...
but what if you CAN!!!?!?
so, i think its time to man up. stop trying to hide behind posts about new computers, slippery yoga mats, and kansas football (although come on.. its kansas FOOTball!!)..
because the truth of it is...
i'm training for my first half-ironman people.
screw Idaho.
HIMKS -- here i come.
Comments
Wow. That is awesome. Bring it on, tell us all about it. Your hopes. Your fears. Your freakouts (we love those). Bring.It.On.
You can so do this. Just don't forget to take us along for the ride :)
Posted by: Laurie | November 15, 2007 10:10 PM
You are going to rock that half ironman! I'll cheer you on from Florida!
Posted by: Jes | November 15, 2007 10:14 PM
yeah! you're going to be awesome. i'd be there if i could...
Posted by: curly su | November 15, 2007 10:23 PM
and ps...HOLY SHIT, awesome header.
Posted by: curly su | November 15, 2007 10:24 PM
Wow, good for you for making the plunge! I'm sure you'll do awesome!
Posted by: Danielle in Iowa | November 15, 2007 10:26 PM
you're gonna rock it!!! i went all the way across the country and did my first half im all by myself. honestly, i met so many awesome people that weekend!! don't get so caught up on the alone part. that 's what blogging is for. you've got plenty of time for good quality training before june, so just focus on that. and no, i doubt you'll be the last out of the water, and so what if you are???
Posted by: monica | November 16, 2007 12:13 AM
Good Move! What's the point of being in a race club if you aren't racing with your team in team kit!
I hope you get most of your registration money back.
Posted by: 21stCenturyMom | November 16, 2007 12:20 AM
Crap, Even though this breaks my rule of never competing in an event in my backyard, if you're doing IMKS, I guess I should go ahead and sign up for the fun, too. That way, there will be two of us peddling at the back of the pack.
Posted by: Kevin | November 16, 2007 8:21 AM
I'm actually quite jealous. If I had a bike that would be useful for that distance (I only have a mountain bike) and wasn't gearing all my training for doing a BQ hopefully next fall, I'd really think about doing it with you. I have friends in ID even!
Posted by: Danielle | November 16, 2007 8:27 AM
Ok I'll be the thrid one in the back of the pack with you guys.
I signed up yesterday. And I thought I was the only one who was scared!!
Anne
Posted by: trigirl | November 16, 2007 8:48 AM
hey AJ, following up with you and everyone on your offer for help!
the blog is up here:
http://bloggersagainstcancer.blogspot.com/
we are working through the name, and a graphic design... have a look!
Posted by: bold | November 16, 2007 8:59 AM
I hear you. Scared is OK. Actually ... alone is OK, too. I've done lots of races where I didn't know anybody. In some ways, it helps to take away any pressure of expectations. But I understand the decision to stay closer to home for a similar race.
Don't fear fear. Use it as a motivating factor to get you out the door every morning.
Posted by: Donald | November 16, 2007 11:01 AM
wheee!
Posted by: jeanne | November 16, 2007 12:38 PM
Woot! Looking forward to the updates already. I'm in for my first HIM this year too. TERRIFIED.
Posted by: alili | November 16, 2007 1:17 PM
Yes, channel fear into workouts!
Congratulations on having the gumption to register and to blog about it.
Posted by: Brent Buckner | November 16, 2007 1:59 PM
Good on ya. Respect the distance but NO.FEAR. Show up every day for the workouts and you will be just fine.
Go and TAKE IT.
Posted by: greyhound | November 16, 2007 2:04 PM
My jaw dropped when I read you signed up for VikingMan! That race has been on my radar for a while now (either 2008 or 2009), because with my Norwegian background, how can I NOT do it? :-)
I hear you on the alone part. I had friends and family at my first half IM, and don't know if I would have had the balls without them there. You have some big ones, AJ!
I highly doubt you're gonna bomb. Reading your past race reports/results, it's pretty obvious you have the talent and will power to do a half IM. Don't get me wrong - you can't skimp on the training or anything. That's where the fear can really help you out - ensures that you don't skimp.
Anyways, good luck, and congratulations! Lots of times, signing up for the race is the hard part.
Posted by: Cliff | November 16, 2007 2:47 PM
IMKS
little miss tri pants.
it is on.
IT IS SO ON!!!
i will be there with you, in whatever way i can!!!
Posted by: bold | November 16, 2007 3:43 PM
You can totally kill whatever HIM you want - alone or not. 2008 is the year of HIM virgins, and I'm right there with you, scared as hell. :)
Posted by: Greyt Times | November 16, 2007 11:07 PM
um.... HELLO???????? you know that Benny and I are only a couple of hours away from Burley, right? RIGHT? And, you know that we would love to come watch you tear up VikingMan, right? RIGHT? We are sooooo there. Oh, and don't worry about the swim... it's in the SnakeRiver... WITH the current. You'll rock it.
oh, and i cannot believe i had to read about this here. you. are. so. fired.
Posted by: Nytro | November 17, 2007 9:39 AM
Even if you're the last one outta the water...you'll definitely be passing my slow ass on the bike! If you're slow...I'm slower. I'm lucky to average 14mph...but with hills...hah! Fuggetaboudit.
I'll be hanging out in the back of the pack! Looking forward to the experience!
Posted by: Running Jayhawk | November 18, 2007 9:45 AM
YAY!!!! IronLMRP. (Ok, we have to work on the name).
You are gonna ROCK that beyotch! Yes you are!!! Training alone SUCKS! We all (or at least I) have those same thoughts about blogging, etc., from time to time. But it helps w/the motivation, and you know you've made many "real life" friends thru it.
So excited for you! YOu're going to do awesome!!! If I could be there, I would... but I think I'll be paying off South Africa for a few years. LOL.
Posted by: Tammy | November 18, 2007 12:44 PM
Oh, and here's a quote I just put on my blog from a book I'm reading,
"It's good to be a little frightened. It's good to respect your opponent. It keeps you sharp. In the fight game the head rules the heart. But in the end, the heart is the boss."
~ Bryce Courtenay in The Power of One
Posted by: Tammy | November 18, 2007 1:08 PM
sweets, i am SO proud of you...for numerous reasons. you will rock HIM :) hehehe.
Posted by: Kim | November 18, 2007 4:14 PM
I am so glad I found your blog! Keep blogging... as a new runner your words are keeping me warm during my cold and exhausting jogs! Good luck!!
Posted by: Channah | November 22, 2007 4:26 PM
I'm right there with ya. I'm thisclose to signing up for Steelhead and I'm ready to crap my pants. But it's something I want to do, so like I said, I'm thisclose. It would be cool to follow along knowing that I'm training for the same distance. So, yay! HIMKS here you come!
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