a day i don't want to remember.
do you ever have something bad happen to you.. .or not to you, but.. something bad happens... and to "fix" it you latch onto some idea. some memorabilia. some thing...!?
some thing that brings you back to a time or a place. it helps you remember, takes you back in the past to a time where everything was good, and bright, and hopeful, and well.
today.. right now..
that's what i'm doing. in my mind, i've latched on to this "thing".
except i can't find it...
i can't find the thing and i'm starting to lose it a little.
......
my best friend in high school, and really ever since then...
her name was Stephanie Briley.
she played the clarinet in band with me... was a section leader in marching band, joined the lacrosse team the same time as me, and in general was just my girl. and i was hers.
she was 5'2, had bright red hair, and the kind of personality that no matter who you were... mister popularity, mister too-cool-for-school.. mister stoner, mister athlete...
WHOMEVER you were... you were her friend. she drew you in, made you laugh, listened when you needed an ear, and ...
had freckles.
she had a lot of freckles.
and she let me borrow her clothes.
and she remembered my birthday. and she let me bitch when i needed. and we met cute boys together, went out and drank together.... she held my hair back for me when i barfed at the comedy club and filled me in on all my antics the next day when i'd be too hung-over to remember.
she taught me how to be cool. she brought me out of the nerdy-dorky-smart-kid-club that sat at the front of the class and gave me an edge.
a lot of my edge that i still have, today. SHE gave that to me.
.... and now she's gone.
she died yesterday. quietly, at home in dallas with her family around her.
she'd suffered, and fought, a really hard, long year, and i guess finally it was just too much.
and she's gone.
and i can't find the thing.
i can't find the thing, that i need, to make all of this okay.
i can't find it.
i can't find it.
Comments
Oh, AJ! My deepest sympathies.
Posted by: Wendy | May 8, 2008 02:49 AM
You are in my thoughts, AJ.
Posted by: runner susan | May 8, 2008 05:46 AM
Sorry to hear about your friend. Sounds like she was brought into your life for a reason and you do the same for others. .
Posted by: TNTCoachKen | May 8, 2008 05:49 AM
I am so sorry. You credit her for the wonderful person you are today, maybe that "thing" you are looking for, is staring back at you in the mirror. Continue to live a wonderful life in memory of your friend.
Posted by: jkrunning | May 8, 2008 05:53 AM
My condolences. Touching tribute.
Posted by: Brent Buckner | May 8, 2008 06:59 AM
Alas, sometimes there is no "thing" to fill a hole like that. You just have to lean on those closest to you and muddle through until the hole doesn't hurt so badly.
I'm so sorry that you're hurting and that you've lost such a great friend.
Posted by: greyhound | May 8, 2008 07:17 AM
Hugs. You are in my thoughts. And your words were amazing.
Posted by: Stephanie | May 8, 2008 07:28 AM
How tragic. I'm so sorry you lost your friend.
I'm not sure there anything that makes the loss of a vibrant young person okay. What is important is to celebrate her life and try to remember the things about her that made you smile.
If you have faith now would be a good time to lean on it. It's also a great time to get together with anyone who knew her and is also hurting.
Posted by: 21stCenturyMom | May 8, 2008 08:10 AM
Sorry for your loss, AJ. That thing might be inside of you.
Posted by: stronger | May 8, 2008 08:19 AM
i'm sorry for your loss AJ... i sent you the email, before reading your post...
Posted by: bold | May 8, 2008 08:28 AM
I'm so sorry for your loss, AJ. I agree with others who've mentioned that the "thing" may be inside of you. You touch so many of your readers' lives (and I'm sure your real-life friends' lives as well) in the very same way Stephanie seemed to have touched your own. I think you're carrying on her legacy in a wonderful way. She'd be proud :)
Posted by: Irish Cream | May 8, 2008 08:34 AM
I'm so sorry for your loss, AJ. I agree with others who've mentioned that the "thing" may be inside of you. You touch so many of your readers' lives (and I'm sure your real-life friends' lives as well) in the very same way Stephanie seemed to have touched your own. I think you're carrying on her legacy in a wonderful way. She'd be proud :)
Posted by: Irish Cream | May 8, 2008 08:35 AM
I hate to tell you this, but there is, quite frankly, no thing that makes this better. It. just. hurts. and it's going to, for a while.
there is only our ability and strength to persevere without those loved ones who made our lives so wonderful, and to live each day knowing that we are a better person because they were our friend, or our parent, or our spouse.
I'm sorry for your loss, and I hope you are able to find some peace.
Posted by: sarah | May 8, 2008 09:08 AM
I am so sorry for the loss of this wonderful woman. Take care of yourself.
Posted by: Laurie | May 8, 2008 10:19 AM
mostly i lurk here because your posts make me laugh..
i'm sorry to hear of your loss. god bless.
Posted by: deene | May 8, 2008 10:23 AM
Sorry for your loss. The paper I work for ran an obit of Stephanie this morning. You can find her obit and a guestbook here:
http://www.legacy.com/dfw/Obituaries.asp?Page=LifeStory&PersonID=109226501
Hang in there...
Posted by: Kevin Lyons | May 8, 2008 10:45 AM
aw sweetie, i'm so sorry. hugs.
Posted by: Kim | May 8, 2008 10:46 AM
You'll find that thing when the time is right. Speaking from a recent experience, I think the best thing right now is to not hold on and to just let the emotion get through you. I'm so sorry to hear about this. Just know that you have a ton of people out here in blog land thinking and praying for you.
Posted by: Karen | May 8, 2008 11:02 AM
AJ I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Take care.
{{AJ}}
Posted by: alili | May 8, 2008 12:12 PM
Little one can say to fill the void left by the passing of your friend...
So sorry for your loss :(
Posted by: Allison | May 8, 2008 04:47 PM
I am sorry about your friend. Your post really expresses your love for her, and I am touched as read it. Condolences.
Posted by: Lacey | May 8, 2008 08:01 PM
I am very sorry for your loss. It is never easy to lose anyone that has been a part of your life.
Posted by: Al Durham | May 8, 2008 08:21 PM
I am so sorry!
Posted by: Denise "Firefly" | May 8, 2008 08:29 PM
It's already been said. . . So sorry for this dark time.
Posted by: Sarah | May 8, 2008 08:46 PM
Though of course there is never a good time for an untimely death, that is just too young. I'm so sorry. Really deeply sorry. What a terrific tribute you just gave her.
Posted by: jeanne | May 9, 2008 03:21 AM
So very sorry for your loss.
Posted by: TJ | May 9, 2008 06:08 AM
I'm so sorry for your loss! Hang in there!!!
Posted by: trigirl | May 9, 2008 07:56 AM
I'm sorry for your loss. No niceties really do the trick here, but if you need anything or there is anything I can do, don't hesitate to ask.
Posted by: sarah | May 9, 2008 07:58 AM
I'm very sorry for your loss.
Let me know if there's anything I can do for you...
I hope you find it...
Posted by: Stewart | May 9, 2008 09:20 AM
oh man, i am so so sorry. take her coolness, everything she gave you and let if fuel you at 70.3 and beyond. live strong for her!! thoughts to you and her family.
Posted by: monica | May 10, 2008 11:35 PM
I got here late. Sorry about your loss.
Posted by: Patrick | May 12, 2008 01:45 PM