Little Miss Runner Pants

its funny that no matter who you are.. what your age is... how fast, often, or far you run...

that in the end... we all have the same experiences concerning the run, and eventually we all learn sort of the same things.

this weekend in KC we were hit with some major storms. luckily no tornadoes ripped through my actual area, but the winds associated with the strom system were outrageous. sunday afternoon i contemplated, momentarily, running in severe wind gusts, but.. after riding in them saturday thought better of it.

instead, i mapped out a route and told myself monday. i'll run monday instead.

well.. yesterday was monday.

and i did not want to run.

it was still windy, my legs were sore from biking and crossfit, and... i have a new puppy! i wanted to play with him!

but i sort of have this whole half-ironman thing coming up so i thought it MIGHT behoove me to stick to the plan.
which i sort of did.

it was a 9 mile run that i needed to get through and because i am loathe to carry water with me when i run, i made my half-way point 0% and coach's house... drove over and dropped off a water bottle... drove back home, and then started off on my run.

and it.

sucked.

my legs were like lead. i couldn't breathe. i was fighting a FIERCE head wind, i'd forgotten that i'd mapped out a specific route so i was running in the wrong direction, and it was all just a very miserable experience.

at about 35 minutes into my not-mapped-out-route i was having that all-too-frequent conversation in my head that revolved around DNF'ing my HIM, probably not even surviving the swim... beating myself up for not being able to have a good swim/bike/run all in the same week...

because i mean HELLO! if i can't get one good workout in each sport per WEEK, how do i expect to do it all in the SAME DAY!?
this is so stupid. why the hell did i sign up for this?

and generally feeling sorry for myself.

the funny thing was... through all this...

i kept running.

"well no shit AJ. you were on a RUN!"

no...
no, see for me it doesn't work like that.

or up until this point.. it hasn't.

typically when i'm feeling that pathetic i talk myself into just taking a break. i'm doing horribly, i'm SO SLOW anyway... i might as well just walk.

but yesterday as i was verbally punching myself in the face i realized at the same time holy shit. i haven't stopped yet.

and that small realizaton. that small victory over myself, the mental fortitude to just-keep-going... that brought me right out of my funk, and... i wont say i then enjoyed the run... but it didn't suck.

and i sort of learned something that probably i should have learned a long time ago...

first of all..
when other people are running.. and their kicking my ass... and they're making it look easy.

its not ACTUALLY easy!

i'd convinved myself a long time ago that my 11:30-12:00 pace, which was my la-dee-da pace, which i thought was SO HARD... i'd convinced myself i was running just as hard as everyone else.

its just that everyone else's la-dee-da pace is... ya know...

WAY FASTER!

but i realize.. ya know what... its not.

the difference is, not everyone else is running la-dee-da. some other people are kicking their own ass up hills, around curves, over bridges and down sidewalks. they're struggling, and pushing, and THEY DONT STOP when it sucks.

they don't stop.

and i realized this... and it was like... AH HA!!!

i think i've sort of worked myself up into a false-sense of suckiness when it comes to the run, because my attitude towards the whole thing has been so far off.

that being said... i'd like to say that this realization made for my FASTEST RUN EVER! but alas.. it did not.

however i ended the run feeling like i'd grown a little as an athlete. that i'd pushed myself the way i should have been doing FOR THE PAST FEW YEARS and while i'm sure i'll continue to verbally, or mentally, sucker punch myself in the gut every now and again...

i feel like finally running and i MIGHT just start to be friends!