Little Miss Runner Pants

i hate packing.

hate.

h.a.t.e.

i have all my dishes packed, all the bottom counters are empty, but.. the rest!?

look at it!

mother FECK.

and it has to be ready by sunday.
SUNDAY.

so i can drive it to STL to drop with my parents, turn around and drive back and pack the rest of my shit.

shit!

what the hell, how am i gunna do this?!

i've got a 60 mile SAG'd ride tomorrow morning, i'm going out tomorrow night (yessss), have Short Cousin's triathlon sunday morning and i leave right after that!

FECK!

double FECK!

what did i say about moving being such a good idea?!!!?!

.... i take it back.

i take it ALL. BACK.

Posted by a.maria at 8:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (10) | TrackBacks (0)

so today is my last day of work.

i finished everything up yesterday so after turning my keys in and going through my security briefing this morning, i've sorta been sitting here with nothing to do.

i just got back from lunch with a few friends a bit ago and its weird... i thought i'd be sad to leave, but.. i can't wipe the smile off my face!

don't get me wrong, i love (some) of my co-workers here and the smile doesn't reflect my glee in leaving THEM, i just think, like never before, i'm EXCITED about what's coming up next for me!

even with the whole don't know anybody.. don't know where anything is... don't have a job.. don't have any money issues that i'm facing..

which i am very much facing...

I JUST SORTA CAN'T WAIT!

... which is funny. on my way into work this morning and for most the night last night after i left 0%'s house, i couldn't stop wiping away tears from my eyes.

saying good bye has NEVER come easily to me. and i've done it SO OFTEN.

after moving around every four years growing up, i vowed that once i was an adult and didn't have to do whatever my parents said, i'd pick a place and stay there forever!

but..
i was wrong.

or maybe i was right, and i just haven't found the place yet!?!

either way... i'm leaving town in ten days.

its completely surreal to me, but as i've told so many people this week...

i'm sad to leave, but SO EXCITED TO ARRIVE!

Posted by a.maria at 12:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (7) | TrackBacks (0)

so i think i had my first glimpse of what it'll be like when i turn thirty.

... and from what i can tell... it ain't gunna be good.

several of my friends here in kansas city are on match.com. they're having a good time meeting random guys, flirting, and lets be honest...
making out with cute boys faces...

so i decided, HEY!... i need to get in on this!... and so i did.

(noo noo.. not the making out with boys faces part. yet! .. just the getting on match.com part.
and i know. I KNOW. online dating. stigma. uncool. yeah i know.
but if there are faces to make out with.. who am i to turn them down!!?)

so.. i got online, set my sights on austin, and away i went.

everything was going well, fine, according to plan until... a few days ago... i got a "wink" from some new guy.

but by new... i kinda mean old.

i opened my email, read his profile and thought nothing of it until i realized underneath his pic it read... 35 years of age!!!

ewwwwww. he's OLD. what the hell is he doing winking at ME!!!

and i got all skeeved out.

but then i sat there and sorted out the math..... double ewwwwww. he's not that much older than me!!! but if i thought he was old....

..... THAT MEANS I AM TOO!!!!

son. of. a. bitch.

it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks....

i'm actually to the age now where dating a guy that's 35 really isn't that big of a deal.

BUT I'M ONLY TWENTY EIGHT!!!! --- and that's when my mind started reeling.

28 years old.
TWEN.TY.EIGHT.

i'm going to be over the hill...
WHAT IN THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO!!!?!?!?

*sigh*

revelations of this order are a bit hard to take.

its sort of like in college out at the bars when, for the first time, i met some cute guy and instead of swapping numbers on a napkin... he handed me his business card.

i just remember laughing hysterically at him like... who the hell gives out business cards!? are you SERIOUS!!?!

.. he was.

i was officially at the age where people started swapping cards.

my girlfriends and i went home that night freaking out that we were getting old.
business cards. shit. he's like... an ADULT! weeeeeird!!!

i will never forget that night.

not just because of the business cards.
or the cranberry vodka i threw up in our front yard.
or the huge ass pizza we got on the way home, or the late night girl talk with my roomies...

but it was the first time i realized college would be ending soon, "real life" was just around the corner and, holy shit...

WHAT IN THE HELL AM I GUNNA DO!!?!?!

so for the past few days, i guess i've been feeling those same basic things..

except... substitute salad for taco bell... a bottle of water for a can of beer.. a self-imposed 10 o'clock curfew and, omg. shit!

i really AM getting old!!!

help!!

Posted by a.maria at 8:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (19) | TrackBacks (0)

SOOOooooo... sarah, over at junk miles just turned me onto this race nike is putting on...

the Nike Human Race 10k.

how have i not heard about this!!?!

apparently nike is celebrating runners and (our)their sport by putting on the world's largest running event... a global connection for all us athletes!

you can either sign up to run it in one of the 25 host cities (which... AUSTIN will be one of them. and can i just say how fan-fugging-tastic it is that i'll be living in a city that hosts stuff like this?! nobody ever chooses kansas city to do stuff. st. louis, or more often chicago is the closest place to participate in things like this for those of us in the midwest. its crap!)

*ahem*

anyway.. OR you can just run it wherever you are... down your street, in the park, WHATEVER!

however if you DO choose to race in a host city there will be live concerts after the race and various "elite Nike athletes" will be racing as well, but the only one of those i've ever heard of is Lance.

(of the Armstrong variety. yup.)

anyway, just thought i'd do my part to spread the news and see if anyone in the Austin area wants to run as well!!?!

:)

happy hump day people. NOW GO SIGN UP!

Posted by a.maria at 2:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

and packing is totally kicking my ass.

dammit!

you'd think after having moved six times in the past 4 years i'd have this down by now, but.. nope.

jeez.

8 boxes down.
something like 25 more to go.

ugh.

Posted by a.maria at 1:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (11) | TrackBacks (0)

hey!!! for once they actually didn't turn out bad!!!

... notice in the bottom right, the finishers pic from one angle shows bright skies... but in the other you can see the coming storm!!

.. now all i gotta do is work on taking LARGER STEPS when i run. what's with my 3" stride!?!?

Posted by a.maria at 2:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (19) | TrackBacks (0)

this race....

this race was everything i never had the courage to even hope it would be. if that makes any sense.

after having worked for over six months towards this day.. i was expecting it to be hard.

i was expecting to have a bad day. to have an experience like any of my marathons, where 5:30 hours just drag by, and i'm in constant mental state of why the f*ck did i sign up for this, where i question every moment of every day of training, and agonize over how i'll never be good enough or fast enough, only to come to the finish line and realize my worth all over again.

that's what i was expecting--- because that's what i know.

... but this race wasn't that.
it didn't even come close.

the race was hard. don't get me wrong, i'm not saying it wasn't hard. not by a long shot.. because it was. but it was GOOD.

the swim was a joke. i was so off course at one point i literally swam head-first into one of the life guards maybe 10 minutes into the swim. i got knocked around so much i seriously thought about just treading water until everyone passed by so i could be in peace, and i think i said "oh sorry. sorry. sorry. WELL F*CK YOU!!!" about 30 times to various other athletes along the way.

... so the swim was definitely hard. and long.

but i swam it, even with all that, in exactly the time i thought i would if i was having a good day.

52 minutes. (and yes, 52 minutes for my first 1.2 mile swim, in my world... that means i'm having a good day!)

you can see in the picture of me running up to T1 with a huge smile on my face...
i was having fun!

i was so ready for the rest of the race.

the bike, like i said, was hard. it was hilly and just the god-awful wind. i mean truly... brutal. but i remember thinking to myself multiple times i can't believe how much fun this is. this isn't as bad as i thought at ALL! this is awesome!

honestly. i was shocked at my upbeat, positive attitude, continually. even when things got rough, and i was giong 9mph up a hill, and my knee hurt and i dropped my chain, i thought...

well its a race. these things happen. we're all hurting out here, just get up and finish it!

and i'm sorry, but.. SINCE WHEN did i become a happy optimistic person!!!!?! IN A RACE!!?!

but i was. and it felt really good to be SMILING even through the suck. that was HUGE for me.

the day flew by. it FLEW by. all of a sudden i was at T2 for the run, and... although i'll admit i wasn't exactly looking forward to 13.1 miles on foot...

it had to be done. and so off i went.

the run at first... well honestly the entire time... it was a struggle, sure. i stopped to walk at every aid station and about half way between each, which is to say i was probably running 400m, walking, running 400m, walking...

but i was feeling good. i was cracking jokes with spectators in the campground, i was cheering on friends as they ran past me on their second loop, while i was still on my first...

it was fun. it was the first time i've ever EVER run without music, and.. it was fun. i didn't even notice the time passing by, other than i looked down at my watch at the 6 mile mark and was SHOCKED to see i was under 6:00 hours.

omg. OMG. omg. oh. my. god. i'm going to finish this in under 7:30. OH MY GOD.

i was thrilled. i'd assumed at least an 8 hour finish, so i was on cloud nine, just absolutely thrilled, so proud of myself, so loving every minute of it.

.... and i think that's why, about five or six minutes later... when i was taking a left to start my second loop...

hearing that i wasn't going to finish just crushed me.

"no. no. NO. nonononono. no, please, no. please. please?! please. i have to finish. no, i HAVE to. you don't understand i HAVE to finish. i HAVE to."

"i'm sorry, honey. i'm so sorry. they'll disqualify you if you keep going, i'm so sorry"

"no. WHAT?! no. NOOO. no. nononono. no. no. NO."

i'm not sure i even cried that hard when i crossed the finishline of my first marathon. i was devastated. crushed. i felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me. it was horrible. just absolutely not at all what i wanted or how i wanted to end the day.

.... because it'd been SO GOOD.

i don't know if i can fully explain why i was so shocked at how well i was doing, but... it had been SUCH a good day. so much less of a painful experience than i'd imagined. it had been FUN. outside of just being sore, and tired, i was in NO PAIN by the time they called the race.

what if its never this good again!? what if this was it for me, and i don't get to finish!?

i guess i am still just a little crushed.

i dunno.
i didn't, originally, want to write a race report, and now i guess in effect.. i've written two. but..

this was supposed to be the last thing i did in kansas city. with all my friends. it was going to be crossing the finish line and then starting a new life in texas. a life where i take all the things i've learned in the last few years... all the mental strength, personal, emotional strength i've gained from all the miles, and all the training, and all the friends who've taught me what and how to be the person, to live the life i choose to live.

and i wanted it all tied up in a pretty package.

i wanted to be able to look at my finishers medal.. to look at it and know it was the culmination of so many things.

not just 70.3 miles, but.. thoughts and dreams that before i started the journey, i'd have never had the strength to dream.

and i feel like that got ruined a little bit.

but in the end... those lessons and dreams i had the morning of the race... i have them still, now. 70.3 miles or not, i know i accomplished a lot that day.

it wasn't what i wanted, or what i thought it would be.. but in ways it was more.

so i'm learning, and i'm growing, and i'm not over it yet, but i am getting there.

Posted by a.maria at 8:34 AM | Permalink | Comments (19) | TrackBacks (0)

.... after having stripped my wetsuit off outside of the transition area, as i was putting on my socks and bike shoes i noticed... shit shit SHIT!!! where's my chip timer?!?!

i freaked for a second, but thankfully most the volunteers were from KCM so they scrambled around and finally found it, just as i was about to run out with my bike. phew!

this course is HARD. its a lot of hills, and there was a LOT of wind.

but ya know what?!
I HAD SO MUCH FUN!

the bike course is a series of 4 out and backs that make up a big cross, so you get to see people over and over again which made the ride not so bad.

the training i've been doing i could tell was really paying off and the hills, while tough, weren't nearly as bad as the first time i rode them a few months ago.
i was in a really positive state of mind, really soaking it all up, just pedaling pedaling pedaling when at about the 20 mile mark...

WHOA WIND!!!

my coach had told me to go out slow. keep my average pace down about 1mph less than i wanted to average for the first 1/3 of the bike, knowing that i'd want to hammer and over-do it if not.... well...

good advice.
except that when i was ready to finally go that was no longer an option. the wind was out.of.control. and around the half-way point of the ride, i had my first negative thoughts for the day.

i had to struggle to gain any speed going downhill.. i dropped my chain at one point going up, and a few miles after that...

as always....

my knee.
my @$#!-ing knee started to hurt.

as seems to ALWAYS be the case, it was a rather new pain i'd not experience while biking before so.. that was unpleasant.

but unlike any of my races before, i told myself HTFU. you're finishing this, pain and all, so get over it already AND RIDE!

... which i did.

about 16 minutes faster than i'd actually predicted i would, so coming into T2...

i was very very happy.

now all i had to do was run!

and, shocking.. the run was kinda fun!

the first few miles were pure suck. but that was to be expected. the way they had the course set up though i was constantly greeted by friends on the course, so even with having to struggle for a while... about 3 miles in i found my groove and started feeling good.

right around 4.5 miles though... things went downhill.

a storm was rolling in on the other side of the lake and it got COLD. the wind picked up something fierce.. and the sky looked... well. not so good.

but on i ran. never thinking for a MINUTE they'd cancel the thing. no way. its not gunna rain. i'm gunna finish this thing. i'm DOING AWESOME!

.... but at the start of my second loop... half way through the run...

they did.
they cancelled the thing. re-routed the athletes to the chute, and weren't allowing us to pass by and finish.

i was devastated. i collapsed in a heap of tears, just absolutely devastated and when i got up i walked, crying, right through the finish line.

it was one of the most disappointing things i think i've ever experienced. and i don't wish a non-finished race on ANY athlete, EVER.

Posted by a.maria at 8:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBacks (0)

so i guess i should get around to writing this bad boy, shouldn't i?!

m'kay. well.. here goes.

the night before the race, while i told my parents to SHUSH!! i'm concentrating, here!!!.. i went over... and over..

and over and over and over my race-day bag.

ok first i'll be heading to the water. i'll need my wetsuit.. check... goggles and swimcap... check... and timing chip.. check.

and that's it!

then i'd stand there, looking at everything, and say again, outloud..

"okay. so first i have to swim, i'll need...."

and i think i more or less did that about 19 times before bed.

finally around maybe 9ish pm i sent my parents to bed, tucked asher in for the night, and crawled under the covers for some sleep.
i wasn't actually expecting to GET any sleep, but.. i did!! i got sleep!

... until about 1am when asher demanded that he be let outside to pee. after that, sleep was a crap-shoot, but until then... i got sleep!

at 3am the alarm went off. then again at 3:20.. then again at 3:40.

i was paranoid about sleeping in and missing the whole day. what can i say?!!

after a morning of okay. first thing i need is my wetsuit... and a seriously large protein shake, i packed my car and headed off to 0%'s house, where i rechecked my list, packed her car, and finally at 4:15am headed out to the lake.

it was nuts.
it was NUTS and there were tons of people, but...
i never really got nervous.
i was excited. in the back of my mind, i knew i could do this thing, and i was just really excited to be there.

setting up transition took far less time than i thought it would, so afterwards i did a lot of standing around, wondering ok so now what the hell do we do!?!

apparently... what you do is... TAKE PICTURES!!!

at about the time running jayhawk and i were goofing off taking pictures, we noticed i had some body marking issues that made me look like a total newb.

yeah. nice.

not only did i have it all over the back of my legs... it was seriously ALL. OVER. my quads. i'd somehow gotten it to more or less cover the front of my legs and at one point almost the entire row of women in our transition area were laughing at me as a photographer came to capture the mess.

classic!

i figured then it'd be a good time to wet-suit-up!

afterwards, it all happened so fast...

athletes were ushered out of transition. we went to the water to splash around while the navy seals skydived in. the race director sang the national anthem, and just like that... the pros took off.

holy. SHIT.

i just felt like grabbing father time and yelling at him to SLOOOOOW DOWWWWWN!!!

i barely had time to think. bam, next age group. bam next age group. suddenly they were calling all silver swim caps to line up and then. FINALLY.

i got nervous.
i got cry in my goggles a little bit nervous.
can't breathe, want to pee my pants (which i did. in the water. several times.) nervous.

but i had no choice. i took a quick pic with a friend...

ran up to see my mom and give her one last hug on the side...

and we were off.

this is for real.

.... HA! the swim sucked.

oooh, man it sucked.

the men in the age group behind us were brutal. i got elbowed in the face, shoved, kicked.. you name it, it happened.
but i didn't freak out.

i stopped a lot to tread water and let people pass me by, but..

i didn't freak out.
i just went REALLY SLOW!

52 minutes later i was crawling out of the water and the swim was done. i ran alllll the way around some flooding they had to steer us around, peeled off my wetsuit (losing my chip in the process), but.. i was done!

weeeee!

... and i didn't drown!

Posted by a.maria at 6:40 AM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

i've mentioned gym jones before.. in fact i have a link to the site in my sidebar over there --->

but..

i read this today and wanted to share it with all of you. a lot of people seem to be asking why lately, why train. why tri. why live this life.... and i think this more or less sums it up... for me anyhow.

(i'll write a race report tomorrow (maybe) and move on from the whole thing after that. i swear!)

The psychological impact of physical effort is a common Gym Jones theme. The temporary transformation one experiences by becoming what he or she is doing carries over into other aspects of one's life. Because I presume awareness and competence I often fail to point out that, going through the motions, without presence, intensity or commitment does not produce positive psychological effects. To be transformed by effort, one must dig deep, surpass one's expectations or self-imposed limitations, risk failure, blow up, and, as cycling guru Keith Bontrager aptly described, “get the full dose.”

You have to be willing to bite off more than you can chew, to overdose, and to fail. If you won't risk the answer you won't ask the question. If you lack the will to ask then consciousness will not unite with muscle and bone. I criticize such a lack of will (especially in myself) and ask, “What's the worst that can happen?” The fearful part of me replies, “I may fall short of my expectations. I may not be who I pretend to others. My perception of self may be proven wrong, very wrong.” The confident part of me says, “So what ... only after breaking myself apart may rebuilding begin.” So go ahead, break stuff. Break yourself on the once-hard edges of yourself. And recycle the debris into the foundation of your future.

Posted by a.maria at 2:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (13) | TrackBacks (0)

after getting more or less sucker punched in the face by the weather yesterday, i thought what better time than NOW to deliver the news i promised last week!?

now first of all, the post i had planned was NOT the one i'm about to write. it was going to be thoughtful, and eloquent, written with emotion and probably would have brought a tear to your eye.

but ya know what?! ..FUCK THAT! i'm in a different frame of mind right now, so i'm just gunna let'er rip.

in exactly three weeks, i'm....

MOVING TO TEXAS, BABY!

i'm quitting my job (put my two weeks in last friday, hence not being able to speak about it until now)... selling my furniture... throwing out whatever doesn't fit in my 5'x8' trailer and truck and saying, at long last, ADIOS to this town.

and i tell ya what, right now?!

I. CAN'T. WAIT.

i moved around a lot growing up, but spent the majority of my life in texas... in one city or another... so even now, 14 years after my last move away from the lone star state, if we're really being honest...

i still call it home.

so, with that said....

last night after all the hullabaloo of the race, i went ahead and signed up for this...

IMKS 63.5 can bite me.

i've got a NEW race to focus on, bitch.

and as we all know... everything's better in texas!

woot

Posted by a.maria at 9:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (30) | TrackBacks (0)

photos of the day that wasn't.

... i'll have actual race pics up as people send them to me. these are all pre The Suck.. as it shall henceforth be named.

eventually i'll get around to writing something, but if i do it now, it'll just reflect how pissed and upset i am.

sorry.

Posted by a.maria at 8:07 AM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

they called the race due to weather.

i was 63 miles, 6:03 hours in.

can we say NOT PLEASED!!?!

... i think we can.

Posted by a.maria at 4:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (29) | TrackBacks (0)

alright, well..

this is the last post i'll get in pre-race. i just wanted to let you know my bib number is 437 if you care to track me, and ask you to..

pray, cross your fingers, dance, summon the gods or just do whatever it is you do to ensure we have NO RAIN sunday! the weather here as been completely outta control, so...

we need all the good ju-ju we can muster!

i'm off to set up the KCM tent and check out the expo, so i guess i'll....

catch ya on the flip!?!

HAPPY TRI-ING EVERYONE cuz here. we. go!

Posted by a.maria at 10:35 AM | Permalink | Comments (20) | TrackBacks (0)

so i don't know about you, but i like sites that are completely aimed at triathletes, and the triathlon community.

i've tried out a few, but they never seem to hold my interest....... until now.

its called I AM TRI (dot com) and honestly... this is the bomb.

and nothing is ever the "bomb" anymore!

so if you've got a minute of free time, do yourself a favor and head over. it takes two seconds to set up your page, and then people flock towards you. i've met tons of people already from all over, and these people couldn't BE more supportive and nice.

ITS FUN!

join us!

... (can you tell i'm getting nothing done at work today?! um.. yeah. that's been the theme all week. OH WELL!)

Posted by a.maria at 10:38 AM | Permalink | Comments (6) | TrackBacks (0)

i'm going to be an emotional wreck at the finish line.

i can feel it already.

i have all these emotions surrounding this race... and they're not at all similar to the last time i went through something like this.

... that's right.

not at ALL similar.

because two and a half, almost three years ago... the journey was about finding me.

THAT journey is summed up in probably the most important paragraph i've ever written.

".... at some point, in the middle of all this, i started to change. both mentally and physically. i looked in the mirror and there was this woman staring back at me. this woman that does it. she does it. not for her parents, not for her friends, she does it for herself. not to become someone she wants to be, but to BE someone she ALREADY IS...."

someone she ALREADY. IS.

.... and that someone is me.

not me, like obviously, me. but me, like... this person. THIS one. the one thats living RIGHT NOW.

and what that means...
... i don't know what that means.

i just know that these last few years, that person i was trying to get to... the person i searched 360° for, that i questioned everything for, and pushed towards and dug down deep for...

i found her.

and crossing that finish line is going to be the end of a period of time that has changed me forever.





----- * post edit.

(its the end AND the beginning of something that i can't talk about right now, but will come monday. i know its not "the end".. but.. in a way, it is the end.

of what?!

like i said. i'll tell ya monday.)

Posted by a.maria at 12:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (20) | TrackBacks (0)

my wetsuit's finally here!

WOOT!

.... as i pulled in the driveway yesterday, i actually let out a little yelp.

there, on my front step, was the box i've been waiting for. my Blue Seventy REACTION wetsuit...

($70 off because of the messed up print job. go to insideoutsports.com if you want one too! but you have call, cuz its not offered online..)

ANYWAY...

i ran inside, tore open the box, struggled for about 1/3 the amount of time i figured i would to get it on, and...

TADA!!!

(... i like how i managed to only actually look at the camera once. apparently 10 seconds is a lot less time than i think it is.)

i'm sorry but... ITS SO PRETTY!!!

and if i stand just right and don't breathe, i almost don't look a baby whale! weeee!

Posted by a.maria at 7:11 AM | Permalink | Comments (21) | TrackBacks (0)

.... less than a week away from my race.

.... every open water swim available has thus far been cancelled due to rain.

.... i get my wetsuit tomorrow and it'd better @%$#-ing fit!

.... a friend of mine, Super Runner Girl, broke her foot during a race this weekend and is out for a long ass time. no Lawrence race.. no IM Germany race... i can't even imagine.

shit like that messes with your head.

.... i ran the hilliest, hardest 10k, probably known to mankind, saturday. my legs kill.

.... i'm having serious stress issues over what the hell to eat the night before the race.

.... scratch that. i'm going to be contemplating, analyzing and disecting everything i put in my mouth everyday this week. probably thinking about it before, during and after i chew. not cool.

.... i'm seriously nervous about the whole bottle grabbing situation going on during the bike. apparently they'll have gatorade that they'll give you as you ride by...

but. i don't see how that can possibly go well for me.

between unscrewing the lid one-handidly, avoiding other cyclists on the course, not veering off the side of the road or taking out a volunteer as i unintentionally straight arm someone during my grab?!

i just don't see how this could be good.

.... while i know leaving your bike in transition overnight is a pretty common thing... it worries me. greatly.

.... i've not yet decided what i'm going to wear on race day. i'm guessing that, too, is bad.

.... strangely, as i near race day, the thing that has me the most nervous.. is the run. its what i'm supposedly "the best" at. HA! but i've never run 13 miles after swimming and biking 56, so... yeah. i'm starting to worry less about the start, and more and more about the finish.

.... its weird cuz i almost don't even feel like i believe this is all real. i don't think i've wrapped my head around what i've gotten myself into.

.... i'm going to party like a f*cking rockstar when this whole thing is done!

Posted by a.maria at 7:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (12) | TrackBacks (0)

i am so uber-hydrated lately that the amount and frequency of which i pee.. is almost disturbing.

even to me.

..... TMI!!?!

maybe.

but i'm just sayin.

Posted by a.maria at 10:20 AM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

*giggle giggle*

** really big grin **

*giggle giggle giggle*

soccer boy's coming to town this weekend. he'll be here for ONE WHOLE WEEK!!!

i've had this week marked on my calendar for months. i lurve soccer boy. LURVE.

*sigh*

i think i'm entering that time of the year where i go a little nuts about boys.

between this dude... at the gym... who i really want to ask out. but wont. because i cant. because um, hello! what if he thinks i'm gross? and he's repelled!? and he hates me and thinks i have cooties and doesn't want to be near me ever!!?... (even though he's super cute and i could TOTALLY make out with his face.)..

and ridiculous Texas Boy who i'm convinced will just never NOT be a part of my life...

and the guy from the bar the other night. and SOCCER BOY!!!

.... yup. its that time of year again.

DAMN.

i absolutely love it.

Posted by a.maria at 6:41 AM | Permalink | Comments (13) | TrackBacks (0)

wow, guys. i have to say.. thanks for the feedback from sunday's ride. i was in a low place sunday night, but am feeling, now, much much better.

as i mentioned to a fellow blogger earlier this week.. i sort of thought i had this whole thing figured out. but truth is, there's so much to learn as an athlete. right when you think you've got it all under control, its like triathlon goes HAHAHAHA. you FOOL!!! and puts you in your place.

and thats what it did to me sunday. tenfold.

i think i'd taken for granted some of the lessons that i learned during marathon training a few years ago. some of the things i learned about me, about how strong i am. how much i'm worth...

i was aloof, and i started letting things slip, mentally.

and then sunday, when i wasn't really looking, all those fears and doubts snuck back in and slapped me around a bit.

luckily, i have people like you, and my "real life" friends and training partners, to gently but firmly give me a serious kick in the pants.

and for once... finally... it didn't take me 3 weeks to figure it out again. cuz the things is... i have changed. i'm not struggling to find myself anymore, at least not in the way i once was. the difference is now i have to remember that. and not just decide, as soon as things get rough, that its only the bad moments that define me, instead of all the good.

.... last night was supposed to be our first open water swim of the season. its been crazy around here weather-wise, and not surprisingly, at about the time we should have been getting in the water, the skies opened up and dumped rain and hail on us, postponing that first-of-the-season harsh reminder of what swimming in a lake with a few 100 other people is all about.

so instead i headed to the pool... and somewhere in the middle of my 2300yd swim...

i relaxed. and i found me again.

i found the me that knows she can do this.

i found the me that isn't afraid to say she's looking forward to the race. that she sorta thinks it might go really well.

that although its going to be SO HARD, and there will be moments when i am SO DONE and wanting to SO QUIT!!!....
that its going to be good.

and that i kinda think i'm going to love it.

........................ ten days and counting folks... are you ready!?!

Posted by a.maria at 6:55 AM | Permalink | Comments (11) | TrackBacks (0)

i lost it today.

i LOST. IT. and completely broke down.

i had an 80 mile ride and a 30 minute run and...
mentally..

i just didn't have it today.

the ride started off really well. at about 1:35 into the ride i was averaging 17.2.
(i never average 17.2...)

by 3:06 hrs into the ride, my average had dropped to 16.6.
(i never average 16.6...)

to be quite frank, i've never ended a ride averaging more than 15.7. EVER. as in..

EV. ER.

so.. like i said... the ride started off pretty well.

unfortunately, at about 60 miles in.... things stopped going so well.

i got tired. we ran into more hills. it got hot. and..

i lost control.

i couldn't turn my legs over. i could no longer hang with Beagle Girl. i could barely keep myself in aero position, wanting to just sit up, stretch out my back, and cruise in my granny gear, and when even that got too hard...

i wanted to give up.

i can't do this anymore. i don't have it. this was too much of a mileage jump, i wasn't ready for this. my body can't do this. i can't run after this. if i were racing, i'd have to run 13 miles... I CANT RUN 13 MILES!!!

i'm not ready for this.

and i. broke. down.

i was on the verge of tears, which makes me not able to breathe... so then i couldn't breathe so i'd want to cry even more... so then i couldn't turn my legs, i was trying to catch up to Beagle Girl, so i felt horrible for making her wait... and the whole time i just thought..

i. can't. do. this.

every self-doubt, every questioning feeling, every lack of self worth i've ever had or thought about myself came rushing back to me in one sick moment.

every bad run. every bad bike. bad swim.

my horrible marathon times, my weight challenges throughout my life. my guy problems, the thought that maybe all these things are linked...

i fell apart.

quietly, in my mind, i lost control.

and then when i got off my bike to run... i stopped holding it in, and i let it out.

just under 6 minutes into my run the floodgates opened and i could do nothing but cry.

jog a few steps... stop and cry. walk. talk myself out of my head. jog a few steps... stop and cry. it was all i could do.

all the people i'll be letting down. all the training i've been through. all the people that have supported me along the way... the ones who "know" i'm going to have such a great race. that are proud of me. that have faith in me.

what if i fail?

i won't be able to look them in the face and i'm so scared i can't do this.

physically, i felt fine.

once i got off the bike and got running.. my legs were great. they were ready to move, but my head...

my head got in the way, and.. that scares me too. i haven't questioned myself like this in forever, i thought i fought these demons a long time ago. i was past it. i'd learned, and i'd grown, and now there they are again, and...

i don't know what to do.

i've completely lost my mental game, and i don't know what to do.

Posted by a.maria at 8:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (21) | TrackBacks (0)