here's the thing...
this race....
this race was everything i never had the courage to even hope it would be. if that makes any sense.
after having worked for over six months towards this day.. i was expecting it to be hard.
i was expecting to have a bad day. to have an experience like any of my marathons, where 5:30 hours just drag by, and i'm in constant mental state of why the f*ck did i sign up for this, where i question every moment of every day of training, and agonize over how i'll never be good enough or fast enough, only to come to the finish line and realize my worth all over again.
that's what i was expecting--- because that's what i know.
... but this race wasn't that.
it didn't even come close.
the race was hard. don't get me wrong, i'm not saying it wasn't hard. not by a long shot.. because it was. but it was GOOD.
the swim was a joke. i was so off course at one point i literally swam head-first into one of the life guards maybe 10 minutes into the swim. i got knocked around so much i seriously thought about just treading water until everyone passed by so i could be in peace, and i think i said "oh sorry. sorry. sorry. WELL F*CK YOU!!!" about 30 times to various other athletes along the way.
... so the swim was definitely hard. and long.
but i swam it, even with all that, in exactly the time i thought i would if i was having a good day.
52 minutes. (and yes, 52 minutes for my first 1.2 mile swim, in my world... that means i'm having a good day!)
you can see in the picture of me running up to T1 with a huge smile on my face...
i was having fun!
i was so ready for the rest of the race.
the bike, like i said, was hard. it was hilly and just the god-awful wind. i mean truly... brutal. but i remember thinking to myself multiple times i can't believe how much fun this is. this isn't as bad as i thought at ALL! this is awesome!
honestly. i was shocked at my upbeat, positive attitude, continually. even when things got rough, and i was giong 9mph up a hill, and my knee hurt and i dropped my chain, i thought...
well its a race. these things happen. we're all hurting out here, just get up and finish it!
and i'm sorry, but.. SINCE WHEN did i become a happy optimistic person!!!!?! IN A RACE!!?!
but i was. and it felt really good to be SMILING even through the suck. that was HUGE for me.
the day flew by. it FLEW by. all of a sudden i was at T2 for the run, and... although i'll admit i wasn't exactly looking forward to 13.1 miles on foot...
it had to be done. and so off i went.
the run at first... well honestly the entire time... it was a struggle, sure. i stopped to walk at every aid station and about half way between each, which is to say i was probably running 400m, walking, running 400m, walking...
but i was feeling good. i was cracking jokes with spectators in the campground, i was cheering on friends as they ran past me on their second loop, while i was still on my first...
it was fun. it was the first time i've ever EVER run without music, and.. it was fun. i didn't even notice the time passing by, other than i looked down at my watch at the 6 mile mark and was SHOCKED to see i was under 6:00 hours.
omg. OMG. omg. oh. my. god. i'm going to finish this in under 7:30. OH MY GOD.
i was thrilled. i'd assumed at least an 8 hour finish, so i was on cloud nine, just absolutely thrilled, so proud of myself, so loving every minute of it.
.... and i think that's why, about five or six minutes later... when i was taking a left to start my second loop...
hearing that i wasn't going to finish just crushed me.
"no. no. NO. nonononono. no, please, no. please. please?! please. i have to finish. no, i HAVE to. you don't understand i HAVE to finish. i HAVE to."
"i'm sorry, honey. i'm so sorry. they'll disqualify you if you keep going, i'm so sorry"
"no. WHAT?! no. NOOO. no. nononono. no. no. NO."
i'm not sure i even cried that hard when i crossed the finishline of my first marathon. i was devastated. crushed. i felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me. it was horrible. just absolutely not at all what i wanted or how i wanted to end the day.
.... because it'd been SO GOOD.
i don't know if i can fully explain why i was so shocked at how well i was doing, but... it had been SUCH a good day. so much less of a painful experience than i'd imagined. it had been FUN. outside of just being sore, and tired, i was in NO PAIN by the time they called the race.
what if its never this good again!? what if this was it for me, and i don't get to finish!?
i guess i am still just a little crushed.
i dunno.
i didn't, originally, want to write a race report, and now i guess in effect.. i've written two. but..
this was supposed to be the last thing i did in kansas city. with all my friends. it was going to be crossing the finish line and then starting a new life in texas. a life where i take all the things i've learned in the last few years... all the mental strength, personal, emotional strength i've gained from all the miles, and all the training, and all the friends who've taught me what and how to be the person, to live the life i choose to live.
and i wanted it all tied up in a pretty package.
i wanted to be able to look at my finishers medal.. to look at it and know it was the culmination of so many things.
not just 70.3 miles, but.. thoughts and dreams that before i started the journey, i'd have never had the strength to dream.
and i feel like that got ruined a little bit.
but in the end... those lessons and dreams i had the morning of the race... i have them still, now. 70.3 miles or not, i know i accomplished a lot that day.
it wasn't what i wanted, or what i thought it would be.. but in ways it was more.
so i'm learning, and i'm growing, and i'm not over it yet, but i am getting there.
Comments
If I were you I'd think that you had a great race that just finished differently than you had anticipated. Knowing that you can feel happy and positive racing over long distances -- you take that to the bank!
And at another future race, the weather won't interfere.
Posted by: Wendy | June 18, 2008 9:47 AM
Even though it was not the distance you expected/trained for, you completed the entire course that was presented to you on that day. Not just completed it, but kicked it's butt! I didn't see you on the swim but you looked incredibly strong on the bike and run. I was impressed!
Posted by: Rick | June 18, 2008 9:56 AM
I too saw you out there on the bike and the run. You looked great on the run... as I was hobbling by.....You looked strong on the bike too! We both had this in the bag.
The thing is... you can still take those experiences with you. You can still take the life lessons to the next chapter. You have to.
You couldn't have said it better in this post. That is exactly how I feel about the whole thing too. I didn't get my dream last year (family tragedy) so this was going to be my year. WAS..... It wasn't meant to be. I would have been madder had they called it in the morning though!
But....I never felt better than I did on Sunday. I was confident. And to have that taken away.... well that's a curve ball in life. At least you are getting revenge in a few months! And if you felt this good now.... just think how great you will feel in Austin!!!
Don't let this experience dampen that of the next one. Although I know you will be studying the weather come October!!!
Leave it all behind you when you leave town..... And enjoy the new adventure!
Posted by: trigirl | June 18, 2008 10:22 AM
I'm so glad you posted this report for many reasons. The most important is how it makes me feel about my own upcoming first ever 1/2 IM. I keep thinking it will be fine - it will be fun because I've trained. I think it will be fun but I think it will be hard in the way yours was hard and I needed that reminder.
I'm so sorry you got screwed out of your finish. Roman wrote about how it felt and it was probably spot on. Robbed - just robbed.
I would LOVE to do the Austin race but I'm not sighing up for #2 until I've got #1 handled. So - it is isn't sold out and if I have money I may see you there! You and coach Tammy. How much fun would that be?
Posted by: 21stCenturyMom | June 18, 2008 10:59 AM
Awesome set of posts about your HIM. It sounds like you as prepared as you could be and even enjoyed parts of it. I can not even imgagine how it felt to not be able to finish the event. But from what you wrote is looks like you leanred some things along the way. The most important thing is that you has the courage and guts to sign up, train, and particpate in the event. The crazy thing is that you must of enjoyed yourself becasue you are all ready to do another one. Good luck with the next event and good luck with the move.
Posted by: Al Durham | June 18, 2008 11:23 AM
First of all, how sucky for you. I mean, really. Having a great race and then having to stop. Bleah.
However, I will tell you this: If you ever come to California, I'm introducing you to my brother (ok, so maybe we haven't even met, but we'll get over that). I read him part of the hilarious post about getting interviewed... and he saw your picture(s)--and your dog (he loves dogs).
So, should you ever want a date in California, here's a bit about my brother: (Yes, I really am going to sell my brother over the internet.)
He's 6', brown hair, blue eyes, a carpenter who reads like nobody's business (so this also means he can reframe parts of your house that have dry rot, like he just did mine. Useful.) I think he looks like my brother, but a friend told me (no joke) that he was "a sex god." Um, thanks. One thing I can vouch for is that my brother is funnier than sh**t. Really. He's also one of the best roommates I've ever had (i.e., he knows how to do dishes, pick up after himself, etc.) So I'm not trying to foist a scary, socially inept, still-lives-with-his-mom fool off on you. It's kind of like you-- I'm not sure why he's still single. (Of course, I'm not sure why *I'm* still single either, but that's a whole different post...)
Anyway, rest assured that even if you had a lame end to your race, dates (should you want them) await you in California.
Posted by: victoria | June 18, 2008 11:20 PM
hahaha, I can't beat a post trying to set you up with a guy. Just wanted to say that it sounds like you did great. And the fact that they didn't let you finish is ok. You would have, and that's all that matters. The only real difference is maybe you're a little less sore then if they had let you run the entire thing. Good work :)
Posted by: Stewart | June 19, 2008 1:56 AM
I would have been crushed. I have 2 friends that were there having a great day also. Heartbreaking after all those hours of training.
Posted by: waddler26.6 | June 19, 2008 4:31 AM
I think you did awesome & reading you; you HAVE learned alot.....honestly & taught me some along the way!!!
Posted by: Jen | June 19, 2008 12:33 PM
Everyone who did IMKS feels the same way.
I feel your pain and I didn't even get to start.
I feel like half a person. Really. It's been all I can think about this week. I keep trying to move (mentally) and keep trying to remind myself that I have an alternate race in my back pocket - but it's hard!
It's hard to know that this was supposed to be my recovery week but instead I'm doing mile time trials in the pool and 30 mile bike/bricks for another week! I am so tired.
Your situtation is awful though. I honestly can say that I would have been more devestated if I had raced through (my pain - and threatened my health) and then not have been able to finish. I think I would have gone Postal.
Good luck to you in Austin - in life and at the 70.3 in Oct.
I plan to look you up in February when I attempt the Austin Marathon!!! :)
Posted by: Andrea | June 19, 2008 12:51 PM
Everyone who did IMKS had a feels the same way.
I feel your pain and I didn't even get to start.
I feel like half a person. Really. It's been all I can think about this week. I keep trying to move (mentally) and keep trying to remind myself that I have an alternate race in my back pocket - but it's hard!
It's hard to know that this was supposed to be my recovery week but instead I'm doing mile time trials in the pool and 30 mile bike/bricks for another week! I am so tired.
Your situtation is awful though. I honestly can say that I would have been more devestated if I had raced through (my pain - and threatened my health) and then not have been able to finish. I think I would have gone Postal.
Good luck to you in Austin - in life and at the 70.3 in Oct.
I plan to look you up in February when I attempt the Austin Marathon!!! :)
Posted by: Andrea | June 19, 2008 12:51 PM
This race report really, really rocked. Just like you.
Posted by: runner susan | June 19, 2008 1:03 PM
I'm going to bottle up the attitude in this post and put it in my pocket and take it with me during Ironman on Sunday.
Posted by: Greyhound | June 19, 2008 5:25 PM
Well done you. See you in Austin baby! We are gonna own that course!
Posted by: Tammy | June 19, 2008 11:08 PM
Well done you. See you in Austin baby! We are gonna own that course!
Posted by: Tammy | June 19, 2008 11:10 PM
the BEST race report i've ever read. the BEST. I totally get you when you talk about the marathon...no wonder this sucked sooo much when you were having such a fantastic race! you do look great!
I'm gonna wrap this up and stick it in MY back pocket for tomorrow.
you really did rock that course. baby, you were born to tri.
Posted by: jeanne | June 20, 2008 5:52 AM
my favorite line:
and i'm sorry, but.. SINCE WHEN did i become a happy optimistic person!!!!?! IN A RACE!!?!
ha ha ha
you look GREAT in those photos!
Posted by: jeanne | June 20, 2008 5:58 AM
I remember all the things you said before the race, about how you had already discovered yourself before reaching the start line. All of that stuff still applies, even with the crappy situation at this race. You're no different now than you were then - in fact, you're better. So keep plugging along. More finish lines await you.
Posted by: Donald | June 20, 2008 10:12 AM
Oh no! I'm so sorry to hear you weren't allowed to finish the race. Man, I wish they could give folks a refund or something or a guaranteed spot for next year. You'll nail it in Austin, though, I'm sure. Keep smiling!
Posted by: ShirleyPerly | June 22, 2008 7:03 PM