total. mental. breakdown.
i lost it today.
i LOST. IT. and completely broke down.
i had an 80 mile ride and a 30 minute run and...
mentally..
i just didn't have it today.
the ride started off really well. at about 1:35 into the ride i was averaging 17.2.
(i never average 17.2...)
by 3:06 hrs into the ride, my average had dropped to 16.6.
(i never average 16.6...)
to be quite frank, i've never ended a ride averaging more than 15.7. EVER. as in..
EV. ER.
so.. like i said... the ride started off pretty well.
unfortunately, at about 60 miles in.... things stopped going so well.
i got tired. we ran into more hills. it got hot. and..
i lost control.
i couldn't turn my legs over. i could no longer hang with Beagle Girl. i could barely keep myself in aero position, wanting to just sit up, stretch out my back, and cruise in my granny gear, and when even that got too hard...
i wanted to give up.
i can't do this anymore. i don't have it. this was too much of a mileage jump, i wasn't ready for this. my body can't do this. i can't run after this. if i were racing, i'd have to run 13 miles... I CANT RUN 13 MILES!!!
i can't do this. i should never have signed up for this race. i should never have done this. i'm not ready for this.
i'm not ready for this.
.....
i'm not ready for this.
and i. broke. down.
i was on the verge of tears, which makes me not able to breathe... so then i couldn't breathe so i'd want to cry even more... so then i couldn't turn my legs, i was trying to catch up to Beagle Girl, so i felt horrible for making her wait... and the whole time i just thought..
i. can't. do. this.
every self-doubt, every questioning feeling, every lack of self worth i've ever had or thought about myself came rushing back to me in one sick moment.
every bad run. every bad bike. bad swim.
my horrible marathon times, my weight challenges throughout my life. my guy problems, the thought that maybe all these things are linked...
i fell apart.
quietly, in my mind, i lost control.
and then when i got off my bike to run... i stopped holding it in, and i let it out.
just under 6 minutes into my run the floodgates opened and i could do nothing but cry.
jog a few steps... stop and cry. walk. talk myself out of my head. jog a few steps... stop and cry. it was all i could do.
all the people i'll be letting down. all the training i've been through. all the people that have supported me along the way... the ones who "know" i'm going to have such a great race. that are proud of me. that have faith in me.
what if i fail?
i won't be able to look them in the face and i'm so scared i can't do this.
physically, i felt fine.
once i got off the bike and got running.. my legs were great. they were ready to move, but my head...
my head got in the way, and.. that scares me too. i haven't questioned myself like this in forever, i thought i fought these demons a long time ago. i was past it. i'd learned, and i'd grown, and now there they are again, and...
i don't know what to do.
i've completely lost my mental game, and i don't know what to do.
Comments
I'm sorry you had such a rough day. In the eyes of those who care and love you it only matters that you give it the best effort you can. I'm sure in their minds you cannot fail - no matter what. Continuing to bike and run even though you felt so crappy mentally proves your determination. (I know all that sounds horribly cliché and you're probably rolling your eyes, lol.)
Now give your dog a hug and on your next run have him scope out another hottie for you. :)
Posted by: Run For Life | June 1, 2008 9:57 PM
i'm wondering why you were biking 80 miles? i'm no expert but that seems like a huge amount for a first time 1/2 IM....maybe that's why you felt lousy!!
Posted by: Audrey | June 2, 2008 5:34 AM
I think anyone who hasn't had the kind of feelings you experienced yesterday is the exception not the norm.
The best life lesson I have learned from sport is that you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go at it again. Which you will. And you will be stronger for it.
Posted by: Wendy | June 2, 2008 5:44 AM
You have not lost a thing. That is a big jump and a hard day. I have done and said goofy things both from the effects of beer and or cocktails and believe it or not exercise fatigue. It is like being punch drunk so to speak at times. My guess is physical and mental fatigue led to some emotional overload. Hang in there, this to shall pass.
Posted by: Bob | June 2, 2008 7:39 AM
Aw! I'm still impressed you finished a rough 80 miles and then still ran. If that isn't determination, I don't know what is!
Posted by: Danielle in Iowa | June 2, 2008 8:20 AM
Welcome to long course triathlon. This battle with yourself is part of the deal. The only ones who don't have doubts and breakdowns are the liars and the non-humans.
The harder the battle, the sweeter the victory WHEN you reach your goal.
Posted by: Greyhound | June 2, 2008 8:25 AM
we've all been there.
you started out fast, pushing yourself more than you ever have, and at a distance beyond your comfort zone.
it becomes 'suck it up princess' time because you gotta get it done. even though, you've got nothin'.
and, THEN.
you have to run...
well.done.
Posted by: bold | June 2, 2008 9:13 AM
What Greyhound said plus this:
You were riding way faster than you've trained for - of course you bonked. After all, the body has to train UP to these things. You can't just step up the speed over distance and not bonk. You are a human.
Second - check your nutrition - I'm guessing you didn't take in enough calories.
Third - women are raised to hate ourselves - we really are. We are never pretty enough or demure enough, or feminine enough or our boobs are too small or they're too big, and we're too smart, too ambitious, too independent but we're too clingy and not self sufficient enough and blah, blah, blah. It isn't just you doubting yourself - it is you falling prey to our culture
SO -
SUCK IT UP! You are an age group podium winning athlete who is fine. You are fine. And you don't even have to ride your bike 80 miles in your race - you only have to ride 56 and clearly you will have plenty left for the run when you get done.
Problem solved. Dry your tears and get back to your plan and above all else BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!
- your 21st Century Mom
Posted by: 21stCenturyMom | June 2, 2008 9:13 AM
Amen sister. I had a pretty bad day yesterday too and I feel your pain. It was the hardest workout I have ever done and I wanted to cry too. But I just told myself that I had to keep moving. That this was the last big workout before the race and I had to make it count.
When I relayed to my coach just how spent I was, she replied "Way to tough out the day. They can't all be good workouts." Then she gave me today off.
You don't need me to tell you that this will ALL be worth it on June 15th. It will be like Hertitage Park all over again - you will be smiling from ear to ear.
It will hurt, you will want to quit, but you will keep moving and it will SO be worth it!
Posted by: Andrea | June 2, 2008 9:19 AM
YOU GOT THROUGH IT!
YOU DID!
give yourself a HUGE pat on the back! YOU DID IT!
hello?! 80 miles?!! i hit 90 last week for the first time all season and im training for the IRONMAN!
you are a rockstar, for getting through the bike and run. you WILL be prepared, both physically and mentally. believe in yourself, because i believe in you!
Posted by: Kim | June 2, 2008 9:54 AM
here's how bad my day was yesterday. I had a one-hour run on the schedule and I couldn't do it. Me, the SLAVE to the schedule, could NOT do it. Instead, I took a nap.
So in my eyes, you deserve ANOTHER medal for toughing it out. 80 miles!!! if you didn't cry, i'd be worried!
you'll get it back. With this sport you're either up or your down. it's fun, huh?
Posted by: jeanne | June 2, 2008 10:47 AM
Come the day you'll be tapered, pacing yourself, and riding 56. That'll be easier than your Sunday.
Posted by: Brent Buckner | June 2, 2008 2:58 PM
I'm most impressed that, even while you were having these thoughts, YOU KEPT GOING. I think that's the key thing to think about.
Everyone has days where they can't focus, when they're easily distracted. I have shows where I think about anything but what I'm supposed to be doing. I'd bet a lot of cash that the next time out, you'll do well.
Posted by: The Rover | June 2, 2008 3:48 PM
You did it. You'll do it again. And we wouldn't keep coming back to see what happened if it was always so darn easy!
Posted by: Julie | June 2, 2008 7:15 PM
You need a beer and a day off!
Posted by: Sarah | June 2, 2008 7:39 PM
Wow...lots of comments. I agree with others - this sounds 100% like a nutrition thing. We all have horrid training trials and tribulations - just shrug it off and know what caused it. Break down your day and the prior 24 hours and see what you did (or didn't do). But overall, my two cents says you didn't eat enough calories, and once that happened it's hard to stay mentally positive.
I would agree with Audrey a bit too though, 80 miles sounds like a bit for training for first HIM.
Either way - you're gonna rock your race..guranteed!
Posted by: rainmaker | June 2, 2008 8:38 PM
http://www.runnersworld.com/article/0,7120,s6-243-332--8137-0,00.html
Great article. It's helped me out a lot sometimes. I think everyone has said what can be said, you'll do fine. If you can't believe in yourself, then believe in us, because we all believe in you.
Posted by: Stewart | June 2, 2008 9:28 PM
Don't think this is just a girl thing. I know exactly what your talking about. When you lose your confidence the whole game changes. Good luck and hang in there.
Posted by: Spandex King | June 3, 2008 7:31 AM
Wow, is sounds like this has become a second job for you. You often heard professional say 'when it's no longer any fun...', well remember why we bike, run and swim. All of these are fun things to do, so make them fun again.
Posted by: TNTCoachKen | June 3, 2008 10:04 AM
You know...I don't know if it goes this way for you, but I know for me, sometimes the crap, self doubting, terrible workouts are what put me over the top. Seriously. The good workouts give confidence, but the bad ones, well, you get back out after one and do even better, that's just the push you really need.
Posted by: Danielle | June 3, 2008 5:58 PM
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Posted by: Harold Abbott | November 12, 2008 7:40 PM