what am i doing here?
well.. its not the job i wanted..
not my first pick. or second.
third.
... fourth..
but.
its a job.
and while in the past i haven't, maybe necessarily, been the best at it (because honestly i've just never really cared.
that's bad, right?!
but the truth...)
i've decided its probably what i need for right now. right this VERY second.
so... what is it!!?!
its this...
.. except.. replace keri with me, the yellow dress with some khaki, the pie with some tacos, chips, salsa and 'rita or two, and..
well... you get the general idea.
.... you know, its funny down here.
since i moved, i can see a distinct change in the way that i am. or that i'm becoming. and getting this job today.. my reaction to it, the thought process leading up to it..
i can sort of see myself changing down here.
as most of you know.. i tend to worry a lot.
and analyze. over-think. obsess even.
i get all wrapped up in the what-ifs and the but's and the omg what am i gunna do!? what will i do.. what have i DONE!!?!?!
and its exhausting a bit. i mean.. it just plain tires me out.
but moving down here.. i made a conscious decision (one i never actually thought i'd try and follow thru with).. to just let go.
see what happens.
go out on a limb, try something new... hell, go BROKE for a while, and figure it all out.
and its... i dunno.
its sort of working.
i had a pretty good life in KC, don't get me wrong.
i had a job that paid me far and above what i should have been paid.. i had phenomenal friends who taught me things and showed me things that shaped me and who i am right now.. i laughed, a lot, and i trained and it was fun, ya know...
mostly.
but.. deep deep down.. it wasn't where i was supposed to be.
and i knew that.
so i moved.
i sold my furniture, i quit my job, i packed my car, grabbed my dog and said to hell with it.
lets go south!!!
... and i never had a reason why.
its all anyone's asked me since i got here. shit, its all anyone asked before i left.
"why texas? why now? ---- why leave?!"
.. and i never had a reason why.
"because i just know. and i WANT to." and for some people that wasn't enough. i don't think it ever will be. but for me..
it was. and it is.
but i still sort of secretly wondered... no shit, AJ. WHY!!?!
and i think, driving back from that ever-so-austin restaurant at the edge of town.. it finally hit me.
i have more to grow.
in kansas city i knew everything there was to know about who i am. i learned more than, i feel like, the average person does, training for my first big race. and then i went on.. i made life decisions, changed my nutrition, changed my body, changed my mind. i signed up to tri, and then again, and then again but longer this time...
and while yes, there were new things to know...
to a certain degree... i was who i was going to be.
there was nothing pushing me to change. evolve. question. struggle. i'd used and learned and soaked up everything there was available to me, and while it was a pretty okay kinda life...
i still have more to grow.
and something inside me knew that, and told me to come here.
come here and relax.
enjoy. LIVE. struggle. fight. question, doubt, hurt, laugh, cry, want, need, work, explore, learn, love...
grow.
so while yeah.. its a waitressing gig. and no, its not what i was looking for..
and nope. i'm not sure if it'll be enough to get me through. i have no idea where i'll go from here, or how, or when.
something about being here tells me...
its all gunna be okay. it will work itself out. i have faith in that.
and learning THAT, i do believe... is what i'm doing here.
Comments
Wow! Stumbled across your blog a few weeks ago... great post! Good luck and congrats on the new job, and I admire your courage and strength to pack up and move -- in search of more. Kudos to you :)
Posted by: Melanie Dittrick | August 19, 2008 4:27 PM
Wow! Stumbled across your blog a few weeks ago... great post! Good luck and congrats on the new job, and I admire your courage and strength to pack up and move -- in search of more. Kudos to you :)
Posted by: Mel | August 19, 2008 4:27 PM
Ali - I have to say I am impressed, in awe and so excited for you. I am older than you but I constantly think about moving...but I just don't have the guts to do it. You are awesome!
Posted by: Michelle | August 19, 2008 4:38 PM
How exciting! You have done what so many people are scared to do... and it sounds like you are most definitely enjoying the ride! :)
Posted by: Teacherwoman | August 19, 2008 5:10 PM
I know Austin has a lot on nonprofits. Check out http://www.nonprofitaustin.org/ if you haven't already. A friend of mine from KC moved down there earlier this summer and landed a job with a nonprofit and loves it. Good luck.
Posted by: Ashley | August 19, 2008 5:22 PM
Very cool. You are exactly the right age to be doing what you're doing. Live, love, play, grow. Perfect!
Just don't give up on nurturing your more professional skills. There's something good for you there, too. I'm sure you will find it or it will find you and you'll be open to the possibilities because that's what you are doing - exploring possibilities.
Proud of you!
Posted by: 21stCenturyMom | August 19, 2008 6:07 PM
and let me just say this, too. I'm a little jealous. Jealous because I think I might like to have done what you are doing but I didn't have the guts. You are brave so
ROCK ON WITH YOUR BAD SELF!
If your own Mom isn't proud of you that's too bad. Your other, self appointed Mom, really, really is.
Posted by: 21stCenturyMom | August 19, 2008 6:10 PM
Wow. This is an incredibly self-aware post. I think most of us just muddle through life, our endless days, and never take the leaps that you have taken. Congratulations. I can't wait to see what you accomplish next!
Posted by: Kristina | August 19, 2008 8:12 PM
Thanks for this post AJ. I'm in that same boat now, except I'm moving to England. I keep getting the why and while I do have a definite answer and a definite 'job' while I'm there...the question is still, "why England?". Thanks for reminding me of the why.
Good luck with Austin.
Posted by: Karen | August 20, 2008 6:50 AM
Good stuff... Sounds like a bold move. But, only you can know why you are doing something and you don't have to explain it to anybody.
Posted by: Eric Gervase | August 20, 2008 6:57 AM
I'm proud of you, AJ! You are doing what most people never have the balls to pull off. I know you will find great success.
Posted by: Stephanie | August 20, 2008 7:35 AM
You know what I love most about this post? You didn't make any excuses for taking a waitressing job. You're taking it all in, taking care of yourself and so open to all the wonderful possibilities. And the best part is that it came out before you highlighted it in a post. We can tell you're loving your decisions and you're not relying on someone else to come along and make them for you. Awesome! You'll look back one day and understand just how important this time in your life is right now.
Posted by: stronger | August 20, 2008 9:05 AM
Good post! Congrats on having the guts to go out and chase what you want, even if you aren't quite sure what it is. The waitress thing is a classic "transition" job, and it's fine. I don't remember what movie it was, maybe LA Story, where some guy is in a restaurant and trying to get service, he keeps saying "waitress", then he says "Oh, Actress" and the whole staff turns. Good luck in your new life!
Posted by: Scooter | August 20, 2008 9:33 AM
Really - moving is an awesome thing. It's hard and exciting and scary all at the same time. Enjoy the journey :) I think I might have to get a waitressing gig too though - one job just isn't enough income out here!
Posted by: sarah | August 20, 2008 11:43 AM
You're here for a reason and you KNOW it. And I'm glad you're here. Good things are heading your way. With your energy and spirit, there are no other options.
Posted by: Carrie-Tri To Be Funny | August 20, 2008 3:47 PM
Hey, we've all done the waitress gig . . . and here is a solid waitressing fact: extra tequila equals better tips.
Posted by: runner susan | August 20, 2008 4:06 PM
You moved to the greatest city ever, so you did the right thing!! I can't wait to move back someday.
I hope you are working at a good mexican food restaurant- there are plenty to choose from, that's for sure.
Posted by: Liz | August 20, 2008 6:03 PM
Hi there! I read you on and off but this is my first time writing. I think. Anyhow, I'm writing because I'm doing a tri in Sept. It's technically my second but it feels like my first because the first was a million years ago. So, the question, my wetsuit is so constricting. I really hate it. Would you recommend switching to sleeveless? Do you have experience with sleeveless? I need someone with experience to talk to me about this. Do you feel okay in your wetsuit? I really, really don't like the feeling. I feel like such a big baby but I have the chance to switch to sleeveless without penalty and am pondering the idea!! Thanks for any advice!! I really like your blog. mb
Posted by: Margarita | August 20, 2008 8:08 PM
Congrads on the new job.
Posted by: Denise "Firefly" | August 21, 2008 7:18 AM
im so proud of you and how far you have come. and i cant wait to hear all about the great life you will continue to lead. xoxo
Posted by: kim | August 21, 2008 7:19 AM
that's awesome. congrats.
Posted by: Eddie | August 21, 2008 1:50 PM
Wow, you said it perfectly. That's exactly what I've been trying to express when I talk about my move. Weird.
Posted by: Megan | August 26, 2008 3:34 PM
i did the opposite (in terms of compass points) and it was the best thing.
been in dallas for yonks. decided to pull up stakes and move to ohio to go back to uni. no job. only one friend (went to uni first time around in oh). was scary. while there, met an aussie. so eh. had i stayed, i'd have spent the last 6 years doing what i did the 5 years before that.
while here, manboy and i did the change and moved from melbourne to qld. no friends. only he had a job. ohwell. great fun. no regrets.
carpe diem. carpe moving truckay.
Posted by: ihatetoast | August 28, 2008 5:58 AM