this race....
this race was everything i never had the courage to even hope it would be. if that makes any sense.
after having worked for over six months towards this day.. i was expecting it to be hard.
i was expecting to have a bad day. to have an experience like any of my marathons, where 5:30 hours just drag by, and i'm in constant mental state of why the f*ck did i sign up for this, where i question every moment of every day of training, and agonize over how i'll never be good enough or fast enough, only to come to the finish line and realize my worth all over again.
that's what i was expecting--- because that's what i know.
... but this race wasn't that.
it didn't even come close.
the race was hard. don't get me wrong, i'm not saying it wasn't hard. not by a long shot.. because it was. but it was GOOD.
the swim was a joke. i was so off course at one point i literally swam head-first into one of the life guards maybe 10 minutes into the swim. i got knocked around so much i seriously thought about just treading water until everyone passed by so i could be in peace, and i think i said "oh sorry. sorry. sorry. WELL F*CK YOU!!!" about 30 times to various other athletes along the way.
... so the swim was definitely hard. and long.
but i swam it, even with all that, in exactly the time i thought i would if i was having a good day.
52 minutes. (and yes, 52 minutes for my first 1.2 mile swim, in my world... that means i'm having a good day!)
you can see in the picture of me running up to T1 with a huge smile on my face...
i was having fun!
i was so ready for the rest of the race.
the bike, like i said, was hard. it was hilly and just the god-awful wind. i mean truly... brutal. but i remember thinking to myself multiple times i can't believe how much fun this is. this isn't as bad as i thought at ALL! this is awesome!
honestly. i was shocked at my upbeat, positive attitude, continually. even when things got rough, and i was giong 9mph up a hill, and my knee hurt and i dropped my chain, i thought...
well its a race. these things happen. we're all hurting out here, just get up and finish it!
and i'm sorry, but.. SINCE WHEN did i become a happy optimistic person!!!!?! IN A RACE!!?!
but i was. and it felt really good to be SMILING even through the suck. that was HUGE for me.
the day flew by. it FLEW by. all of a sudden i was at T2 for the run, and... although i'll admit i wasn't exactly looking forward to 13.1 miles on foot...
it had to be done. and so off i went.
the run at first... well honestly the entire time... it was a struggle, sure. i stopped to walk at every aid station and about half way between each, which is to say i was probably running 400m, walking, running 400m, walking...
but i was feeling good. i was cracking jokes with spectators in the campground, i was cheering on friends as they ran past me on their second loop, while i was still on my first...
it was fun. it was the first time i've ever EVER run without music, and.. it was fun. i didn't even notice the time passing by, other than i looked down at my watch at the 6 mile mark and was SHOCKED to see i was under 6:00 hours.
omg. OMG. omg. oh. my. god. i'm going to finish this in under 7:30. OH MY GOD.
i was thrilled. i'd assumed at least an 8 hour finish, so i was on cloud nine, just absolutely thrilled, so proud of myself, so loving every minute of it.
.... and i think that's why, about five or six minutes later... when i was taking a left to start my second loop...
hearing that i wasn't going to finish just crushed me.
"no. no. NO. nonononono. no, please, no. please. please?! please. i have to finish. no, i HAVE to. you don't understand i HAVE to finish. i HAVE to."
"i'm sorry, honey. i'm so sorry. they'll disqualify you if you keep going, i'm so sorry"
"no. WHAT?! no. NOOO. no. nononono. no. no. NO."
i'm not sure i even cried that hard when i crossed the finishline of my first marathon. i was devastated. crushed. i felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me. it was horrible. just absolutely not at all what i wanted or how i wanted to end the day.
.... because it'd been SO GOOD.
i don't know if i can fully explain why i was so shocked at how well i was doing, but... it had been SUCH a good day. so much less of a painful experience than i'd imagined. it had been FUN. outside of just being sore, and tired, i was in NO PAIN by the time they called the race.
what if its never this good again!? what if this was it for me, and i don't get to finish!?
i guess i am still just a little crushed.
i dunno.
i didn't, originally, want to write a race report, and now i guess in effect.. i've written two. but..
this was supposed to be the last thing i did in kansas city. with all my friends. it was going to be crossing the finish line and then starting a new life in texas. a life where i take all the things i've learned in the last few years... all the mental strength, personal, emotional strength i've gained from all the miles, and all the training, and all the friends who've taught me what and how to be the person, to live the life i choose to live.
and i wanted it all tied up in a pretty package.
i wanted to be able to look at my finishers medal.. to look at it and know it was the culmination of so many things.
not just 70.3 miles, but.. thoughts and dreams that before i started the journey, i'd have never had the strength to dream.
and i feel like that got ruined a little bit.
but in the end... those lessons and dreams i had the morning of the race... i have them still, now. 70.3 miles or not, i know i accomplished a lot that day.
it wasn't what i wanted, or what i thought it would be.. but in ways it was more.
so i'm learning, and i'm growing, and i'm not over it yet, but i am getting there.
]]>
