.99 cent 'ritas at El Arroyo at 2pm + drunk texting cute boys at 5:30pm does NOT = 25miles of biking.
dammit.
i have exactly one hour to get back to neutral ground before my evening ride is completely fooked.
stupid alcohol.
stupid boys.
stupid thursday.
why is it all just so much fun!?!
well.. i made it to st. louis and back in one piece. hoorah!
i arrived back in KC yesterday afternoon and had my last ride with 0% bodyfat chick, short/tall cousin, and another yet-to-be-named chick. Divorced Chick. (i feel bad naming her that but i can't come up with anything else. oh well.)
the ride was the perfect "coming full circle" ride... it was the same route i rode with 0% chick a couple years ago... back when i was very very VERY new and thought (for who knows what reason) 0% chick didn't like me. it was my first ride outside the park on "real roads" and she kept swearing the ride wasn't that tough. that, and.... "i promise, this is the last big hill...."...
mm-hmm.
she lied.
A LOT!
however unlike that first year, this year... when we got to Woodland Hill... i was prepared, and managed to make it all the way up --- ON MY BIKE!
no stopping and walking for me!!!!!
i just made my way through all... all... my gears, finally landing in the granny gear, and spun my little heart out all the way to the top.
i felt hugely victorious.
until about 3/4 of the way up when short cousin passed me on his bike like i was standing still.
dammit. i wish i were 14 again!
oh well.
it was a fun night, and the perfect last tri-training day with my best friends and favorite people.
unfortunately... with tri training out of the way... its now time to pack. AGAIN!
and i'm sure you can guess how i feel about that!
i hate packing.
hate.
h.a.t.e.
i have all my dishes packed, all the bottom counters are empty, but.. the rest!?
look at it!
mother FECK.
and it has to be ready by sunday.
SUNDAY.
so i can drive it to STL to drop with my parents, turn around and drive back and pack the rest of my shit.
shit!
what the hell, how am i gunna do this?!
i've got a 60 mile SAG'd ride tomorrow morning, i'm going out tomorrow night (yessss), have Short Cousin's triathlon sunday morning and i leave right after that!
FECK!
double FECK!
what did i say about moving being such a good idea?!!!?!
.... i take it back.
i take it ALL. BACK.
so today is my last day of work.
i finished everything up yesterday so after turning my keys in and going through my security briefing this morning, i've sorta been sitting here with nothing to do.
i just got back from lunch with a few friends a bit ago and its weird... i thought i'd be sad to leave, but.. i can't wipe the smile off my face!
don't get me wrong, i love (some) of my co-workers here and the smile doesn't reflect my glee in leaving THEM, i just think, like never before, i'm EXCITED about what's coming up next for me!
even with the whole don't know anybody.. don't know where anything is... don't have a job.. don't have any money issues that i'm facing..
which i am very much facing...
I JUST SORTA CAN'T WAIT!
... which is funny. on my way into work this morning and for most the night last night after i left 0%'s house, i couldn't stop wiping away tears from my eyes.
saying good bye has NEVER come easily to me. and i've done it SO OFTEN.
after moving around every four years growing up, i vowed that once i was an adult and didn't have to do whatever my parents said, i'd pick a place and stay there forever!
but..
i was wrong.
or maybe i was right, and i just haven't found the place yet!?!
either way... i'm leaving town in ten days.
its completely surreal to me, but as i've told so many people this week...
i'm sad to leave, but SO EXCITED TO ARRIVE!
so i think i had my first glimpse of what it'll be like when i turn thirty.
... and from what i can tell... it ain't gunna be good.
several of my friends here in kansas city are on match.com. they're having a good time meeting random guys, flirting, and lets be honest...
making out with cute boys faces...
so i decided, HEY!... i need to get in on this!... and so i did.
(noo noo.. not the making out with boys faces part. yet! .. just the getting on match.com part.
and i know. I KNOW. online dating. stigma. uncool. yeah i know.
but if there are faces to make out with.. who am i to turn them down!!?)
so.. i got online, set my sights on austin, and away i went.
everything was going well, fine, according to plan until... a few days ago... i got a "wink" from some new guy.
but by new... i kinda mean old.
i opened my email, read his profile and thought nothing of it until i realized underneath his pic it read... 35 years of age!!!
ewwwwww. he's OLD. what the hell is he doing winking at ME!!!
and i got all skeeved out.
but then i sat there and sorted out the math..... double ewwwwww. he's not that much older than me!!! but if i thought he was old....
..... THAT MEANS I AM TOO!!!!
son. of. a. bitch.
it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks....
i'm actually to the age now where dating a guy that's 35 really isn't that big of a deal.
BUT I'M ONLY TWENTY EIGHT!!!! --- and that's when my mind started reeling.
28 years old.
TWEN.TY.EIGHT.
8 is really close to 10.
and next week is my half-birthday.
which mean's i'll be 29 soon.
and 29 is practically 30!!!
i'm going to be over the hill...
WHAT IN THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO!!!?!?!?
*sigh*
revelations of this order are a bit hard to take.
its sort of like in college out at the bars when, for the first time, i met some cute guy and instead of swapping numbers on a napkin... he handed me his business card.
i just remember laughing hysterically at him like... who the hell gives out business cards!? are you SERIOUS!!?!
.. he was.
i was officially at the age where people started swapping cards.
my girlfriends and i went home that night freaking out that we were getting old.
business cards. shit. he's like... an ADULT! weeeeeird!!!
i will never forget that night.
not just because of the business cards.
or the cranberry vodka i threw up in our front yard.
or the huge ass pizza we got on the way home, or the late night girl talk with my roomies...
but it was the first time i realized college would be ending soon, "real life" was just around the corner and, holy shit...
WHAT IN THE HELL AM I GUNNA DO!!?!?!
so for the past few days, i guess i've been feeling those same basic things..
except... substitute salad for taco bell... a bottle of water for a can of beer.. a self-imposed 10 o'clock curfew and, omg. shit!
i really AM getting old!!!
help!!
this race....
this race was everything i never had the courage to even hope it would be. if that makes any sense.
after having worked for over six months towards this day.. i was expecting it to be hard.
i was expecting to have a bad day. to have an experience like any of my marathons, where 5:30 hours just drag by, and i'm in constant mental state of why the f*ck did i sign up for this, where i question every moment of every day of training, and agonize over how i'll never be good enough or fast enough, only to come to the finish line and realize my worth all over again.
that's what i was expecting--- because that's what i know.
... but this race wasn't that.
it didn't even come close.
the race was hard. don't get me wrong, i'm not saying it wasn't hard. not by a long shot.. because it was. but it was GOOD.
the swim was a joke. i was so off course at one point i literally swam head-first into one of the life guards maybe 10 minutes into the swim. i got knocked around so much i seriously thought about just treading water until everyone passed by so i could be in peace, and i think i said "oh sorry. sorry. sorry. WELL F*CK YOU!!!" about 30 times to various other athletes along the way.
... so the swim was definitely hard. and long.
but i swam it, even with all that, in exactly the time i thought i would if i was having a good day.
52 minutes. (and yes, 52 minutes for my first 1.2 mile swim, in my world... that means i'm having a good day!)
you can see in the picture of me running up to T1 with a huge smile on my face...
i was having fun!
i was so ready for the rest of the race.
the bike, like i said, was hard. it was hilly and just the god-awful wind. i mean truly... brutal. but i remember thinking to myself multiple times i can't believe how much fun this is. this isn't as bad as i thought at ALL! this is awesome!
honestly. i was shocked at my upbeat, positive attitude, continually. even when things got rough, and i was giong 9mph up a hill, and my knee hurt and i dropped my chain, i thought...
well its a race. these things happen. we're all hurting out here, just get up and finish it!
and i'm sorry, but.. SINCE WHEN did i become a happy optimistic person!!!!?! IN A RACE!!?!
but i was. and it felt really good to be SMILING even through the suck. that was HUGE for me.
the day flew by. it FLEW by. all of a sudden i was at T2 for the run, and... although i'll admit i wasn't exactly looking forward to 13.1 miles on foot...
it had to be done. and so off i went.
the run at first... well honestly the entire time... it was a struggle, sure. i stopped to walk at every aid station and about half way between each, which is to say i was probably running 400m, walking, running 400m, walking...
but i was feeling good. i was cracking jokes with spectators in the campground, i was cheering on friends as they ran past me on their second loop, while i was still on my first...
it was fun. it was the first time i've ever EVER run without music, and.. it was fun. i didn't even notice the time passing by, other than i looked down at my watch at the 6 mile mark and was SHOCKED to see i was under 6:00 hours.
omg. OMG. omg. oh. my. god. i'm going to finish this in under 7:30. OH MY GOD.
i was thrilled. i'd assumed at least an 8 hour finish, so i was on cloud nine, just absolutely thrilled, so proud of myself, so loving every minute of it.
.... and i think that's why, about five or six minutes later... when i was taking a left to start my second loop...
hearing that i wasn't going to finish just crushed me.
"no. no. NO. nonononono. no, please, no. please. please?! please. i have to finish. no, i HAVE to. you don't understand i HAVE to finish. i HAVE to."
"i'm sorry, honey. i'm so sorry. they'll disqualify you if you keep going, i'm so sorry"
"no. WHAT?! no. NOOO. no. nononono. no. no. NO."
i'm not sure i even cried that hard when i crossed the finishline of my first marathon. i was devastated. crushed. i felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me. it was horrible. just absolutely not at all what i wanted or how i wanted to end the day.
.... because it'd been SO GOOD.
i don't know if i can fully explain why i was so shocked at how well i was doing, but... it had been SUCH a good day. so much less of a painful experience than i'd imagined. it had been FUN. outside of just being sore, and tired, i was in NO PAIN by the time they called the race.
what if its never this good again!? what if this was it for me, and i don't get to finish!?
i guess i am still just a little crushed.
i dunno.
i didn't, originally, want to write a race report, and now i guess in effect.. i've written two. but..
this was supposed to be the last thing i did in kansas city. with all my friends. it was going to be crossing the finish line and then starting a new life in texas. a life where i take all the things i've learned in the last few years... all the mental strength, personal, emotional strength i've gained from all the miles, and all the training, and all the friends who've taught me what and how to be the person, to live the life i choose to live.
and i wanted it all tied up in a pretty package.
i wanted to be able to look at my finishers medal.. to look at it and know it was the culmination of so many things.
not just 70.3 miles, but.. thoughts and dreams that before i started the journey, i'd have never had the strength to dream.
and i feel like that got ruined a little bit.
but in the end... those lessons and dreams i had the morning of the race... i have them still, now. 70.3 miles or not, i know i accomplished a lot that day.
it wasn't what i wanted, or what i thought it would be.. but in ways it was more.
so i'm learning, and i'm growing, and i'm not over it yet, but i am getting there.
i've mentioned gym jones before.. in fact i have a link to the site in my sidebar over there --->
but..
i read this today and wanted to share it with all of you. a lot of people seem to be asking why lately, why train. why tri. why live this life.... and i think this more or less sums it up... for me anyhow.
(i'll write a race report tomorrow (maybe) and move on from the whole thing after that. i swear!)
The psychological impact of physical effort is a common Gym Jones theme. The temporary transformation one experiences by becoming what he or she is doing carries over into other aspects of one's life. Because I presume awareness and competence I often fail to point out that, going through the motions, without presence, intensity or commitment does not produce positive psychological effects. To be transformed by effort, one must dig deep, surpass one's expectations or self-imposed limitations, risk failure, blow up, and, as cycling guru Keith Bontrager aptly described, “get the full dose.”
“It always hurts when you go as hard as you can.”
Pain is constant during hard effort. Bontrager wrote, “It always hurts when you go as hard as you can.” And this is precisely what keeps most people from pulling out all the stops – it fucking hurts. But with the right attitude and the will to suffer, “this sort of pain can become easier to endure with practice.” You confront it, immerse yourself in it, and become it. You survive. The next time – because you know what's coming – you are less apprehensive, which spares energy, allowing you to focus, to push harder, and perhaps to truly suffer. You don't quit. You get through it. Confidence soars. Your self-image changes, you begin to see yourself as able, capable, and newfound capacity causes ambition to evolve so you try something harder. It lasts longer. In it, you have the time to think, to look inward, which separates the “sprint” experience from the endurance effort: self-knowledge gained during effort is more honest and clear than what one learns through analysis after the fact, which is too often corrupted by selective memory.
Bontrager also states, “the perspective that you acquire on facing hardship makes you stronger and tougher in a lot of ways that are unrelated” to the specific sport or endeavor, though only “if you get the full dose.” When dose and duration are great enough you will be transformed. How much, and how long? Olympic gold-medalist Brad Lewis wrote, “A man goes through many changes in 2000 meters. Some of them not very pretty. Some make you hate yourself.” Brad's incredible intensity allowed him to plumb his soul in less than seven minutes. Others substitute duration for intensity, spending hours or days on honest self-inquiry. Some dedicate themselves to a lifelong process. For those interested in finding answers, the journey lasts as long as is needed, constantly attended by the risk that the answer may not be the one desired.
Nietzsche wrote that, “Great pain is, as the teacher of great suspicion, the ultimate liberator of the spirit.” He doubted that “such pain ‘improves' - but I do know it deepens us …” Whether you consciously take or involuntarily receive the full dose, a bright, tingly, and often harsh self-awareness results. Different people react differently to such cathartic events. While one may stick his head in the sand because he doesn't like what he sees, another may become more conscious, more often aware and mindful.
We state on the site, “effort and pain may not be avoided” but it should be included that without their mental counterparts the physical symptoms (or consequences) of hard effort are mostly irrelevant. Suffering is the gateway to true knowledge of one's self, and therefore humility. Season the physical with psychological difficulty and risk and administer at the proper dosage to achieve higher consciousness. What is this spice? It is the unknown, the new and different, an uncertain outcome, a consequence or penalty, competition, comparison, or perhaps it's as simple as changing expectations, being held to a higher standard.
Learn something new. Do something different. Test yourself. Confront your true capacities. Instill dedication by threatening yourself with a penalty for failure. Take away the safety net to compel better performance. One of Brad Lewis' mentors suggested it is, “better to work without a net, or a saw guard. The intensity [is] greater, more concentration, total commitment, better results.” This is the ideal of the solo climber, and the man with his back is against the wall, with nothing to lose.
You have to be willing to bite off more than you can chew, to overdose, and to fail. If you won't risk the answer you won't ask the question. If you lack the will to ask then consciousness will not unite with muscle and bone. I criticize such a lack of will (especially in myself) and ask, “What's the worst that can happen?” The fearful part of me replies, “I may fall short of my expectations. I may not be who I pretend to others. My perception of self may be proven wrong, very wrong.” The confident part of me says, “So what ... only after breaking myself apart may rebuilding begin.” So go ahead, break stuff. Break yourself on the once-hard edges of yourself. And recycle the debris into the foundation of your future.
after getting more or less sucker punched in the face by the weather yesterday, i thought what better time than NOW to deliver the news i promised last week!?
now first of all, the post i had planned was NOT the one i'm about to write. it was going to be thoughtful, and eloquent, written with emotion and probably would have brought a tear to your eye.
but ya know what?! ..FUCK THAT! i'm in a different frame of mind right now, so i'm just gunna let'er rip.
in exactly three weeks, i'm....
MOVING TO TEXAS, BABY!
i'm quitting my job (put my two weeks in last friday, hence not being able to speak about it until now)... selling my furniture... throwing out whatever doesn't fit in my 5'x8' trailer and truck and saying, at long last, ADIOS to this town.
and i tell ya what, right now?!
I. CAN'T. WAIT.
i moved around a lot growing up, but spent the majority of my life in texas... in one city or another... so even now, 14 years after my last move away from the lone star state, if we're really being honest...
i still call it home.
so, with that said....
last night after all the hullabaloo of the race, i went ahead and signed up for this...
IMKS 63.5 can bite me.
i've got a NEW race to focus on, bitch.
and as we all know... everything's better in texas!
woot
photos of the day that wasn't.
... i'll have actual race pics up as people send them to me. these are all pre The Suck.. as it shall henceforth be named.
eventually i'll get around to writing something, but if i do it now, it'll just reflect how pissed and upset i am.
sorry.
they called the race due to weather.
i was 63 miles, 6:03 hours in.
can we say NOT PLEASED!!?!
... i think we can.
.... less than a week away from my race.
.... every open water swim available has thus far been cancelled due to rain.
.... i get my wetsuit tomorrow and it'd better @%$#-ing fit!
.... a friend of mine, Super Runner Girl, broke her foot during a race this weekend and is out for a long ass time. no Lawrence race.. no IM Germany race... i can't even imagine.
shit like that messes with your head.
.... i ran the hilliest, hardest 10k, probably known to mankind, saturday. my legs kill.
.... i'm having serious stress issues over what the hell to eat the night before the race.
.... scratch that. i'm going to be contemplating, analyzing and disecting everything i put in my mouth everyday this week. probably thinking about it before, during and after i chew. not cool.
.... i'm seriously nervous about the whole bottle grabbing situation going on during the bike. apparently they'll have gatorade that they'll give you as you ride by...
but. i don't see how that can possibly go well for me.
between unscrewing the lid one-handidly, avoiding other cyclists on the course, not veering off the side of the road or taking out a volunteer as i unintentionally straight arm someone during my grab?!
i just don't see how this could be good.
.... while i know leaving your bike in transition overnight is a pretty common thing... it worries me. greatly.
.... i've not yet decided what i'm going to wear on race day. i'm guessing that, too, is bad.
.... strangely, as i near race day, the thing that has me the most nervous.. is the run. its what i'm supposedly "the best" at. HA! but i've never run 13 miles after swimming and biking 56, so... yeah. i'm starting to worry less about the start, and more and more about the finish.
.... its weird cuz i almost don't even feel like i believe this is all real. i don't think i've wrapped my head around what i've gotten myself into.
.... i'm going to party like a f*cking rockstar when this whole thing is done!
wow, guys. i have to say.. thanks for the feedback from sunday's ride. i was in a low place sunday night, but am feeling, now, much much better.
as i mentioned to a fellow blogger earlier this week.. i sort of thought i had this whole thing figured out. but truth is, there's so much to learn as an athlete. right when you think you've got it all under control, its like triathlon goes HAHAHAHA. you FOOL!!! and puts you in your place.
and thats what it did to me sunday. tenfold.
i think i'd taken for granted some of the lessons that i learned during marathon training a few years ago. some of the things i learned about me, about how strong i am. how much i'm worth...
i was aloof, and i started letting things slip, mentally.
and then sunday, when i wasn't really looking, all those fears and doubts snuck back in and slapped me around a bit.
luckily, i have people like you, and my "real life" friends and training partners, to gently but firmly give me a serious kick in the pants.
and for once... finally... it didn't take me 3 weeks to figure it out again. cuz the things is... i have changed. i'm not struggling to find myself anymore, at least not in the way i once was. the difference is now i have to remember that. and not just decide, as soon as things get rough, that its only the bad moments that define me, instead of all the good.
.... last night was supposed to be our first open water swim of the season. its been crazy around here weather-wise, and not surprisingly, at about the time we should have been getting in the water, the skies opened up and dumped rain and hail on us, postponing that first-of-the-season harsh reminder of what swimming in a lake with a few 100 other people is all about.
so instead i headed to the pool... and somewhere in the middle of my 2300yd swim...
i relaxed. and i found me again.
i found the me that knows she can do this.
i found the me that isn't afraid to say she's looking forward to the race. that she sorta thinks it might go really well.
that although its going to be SO HARD, and there will be moments when i am SO DONE and wanting to SO QUIT!!!....
that its going to be good.
and that i kinda think i'm going to love it.
........................ ten days and counting folks... are you ready!?!
do you ever have something bad happen to you.. .or not to you, but.. something bad happens... and to "fix" it you latch onto some idea. some memorabilia. some thing...!?
some thing that brings you back to a time or a place. it helps you remember, takes you back in the past to a time where everything was good, and bright, and hopeful, and well.
today.. right now..
that's what i'm doing. in my mind, i've latched on to this "thing".
except i can't find it...
i can't find the thing and i'm starting to lose it a little.
......
my best friend in high school, and really ever since then...
her name was Stephanie Briley.
she played the clarinet in band with me... was a section leader in marching band, joined the lacrosse team the same time as me, and in general was just my girl. and i was hers.
she was 5'2, had bright red hair, and the kind of personality that no matter who you were... mister popularity, mister too-cool-for-school.. mister stoner, mister athlete...
WHOMEVER you were... you were her friend. she drew you in, made you laugh, listened when you needed an ear, and ...
had freckles.
she had a lot of freckles.
and she let me borrow her clothes.
and she remembered my birthday. and she let me bitch when i needed. and we met cute boys together, went out and drank together.... she held my hair back for me when i barfed at the comedy club and filled me in on all my antics the next day when i'd be too hung-over to remember.
she taught me how to be cool. she brought me out of the nerdy-dorky-smart-kid-club that sat at the front of the class and gave me an edge.
a lot of my edge that i still have, today. SHE gave that to me.
.... and now she's gone.
she died yesterday. quietly, at home in dallas with her family around her.
she'd suffered, and fought, a really hard, long year, and i guess finally it was just too much.
and she's gone.
and i can't find the thing.
i can't find the thing, that i need, to make all of this okay.
i can't find it.
i can't find it.
viper.
bold.
head OUTTA the gutter!!
because by bang'ed... this time at least...
i mean....
BANGED.
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here's the thing...
i'm still growing out a rather frustrating cut. so until my top layer grows quite a bit, i'm probably going to be re-bobbing my hair over and over.
my would-be bangs right now are chin-length.
mostly because i ALWAYS have bangs. i get to about this point in the growing-out process and always change my mind. so whaddaya think!?
... to bang, or not to bang.
that is the question.
appointment is set for friday of next week... 5:15pm. so i've got some time to ponder.
hmmmm...
man, i haven't pulled one of these in ages....
SO.
i just got back from coach and 0%'s house... i officially mostly understand how to take apart and put together my bike!
sorta.
all i have to do now is haul the thing to the airport and pray it gets to austin at the same time as me. weee!
up next is packing (which for me means throwing every item of clothing i think i might possibly maybe want to attempt to wear in the next 5 days into an oversized suitcase), switching out my purse (because yes, i have an airplane purse, a travel purse and various destination purses from which to choose from), packing some nummies for pre-flight (low blood sugar and all. nobody wants me to arrive with my crabby pants on) and...
setting up on the couch in front of the tv to watch a movie!!
because in order to make my flight and get all of this other stuff done?! i'd come out with about 2 hours of sleep.
which is a joke. why even tease yourself with that kind of slumber!??
other than that kids.. i'm outta here. austin awaits me with hopefully miles and miles of sunshine and clear blue skies!
peace out homies!
catch ya on the FLIP!!!
.... yeah.
i think that pic about sums it up...
how do you know, when you're deciding something, that whatever you're deciding... is right?
you are going to DIE when you see his front side.
(and i'm having a few issues with my bloggy design over there. DONT JUDGE ME!! its not quite right yet....)
well, i'm back. and.. in fine form.
this morning after my shower, i applied what i THOUGHT was lotion to my legs.
upon rubbing in what looked/felt like gooey paste, though, i flipped the bottle of lotion over to discover, no..
no, no.
NOT lotion.
liquid soap, instead.
yes thats right.. i rubbed liquid soap all over myself after my shower this morning.
because i am THAT cool.
weeeee.
i'm so glad to be home.
... why all my pants keep falling down.
as many of you know, for the past several years (several being about.. lets see how old am i? oh right... 28 years) i've sort of struggled with my weight.
i eat.. i gain weight.
i diet... i gain weight.
i run.. i gain weight.
(do we see a trend here?)
to the point where after talking with several people.. coaches/doctors/etc... we decided there's just something wrong with me.
*gasp*
i know, right?!
no. shit.
but finally, after discovering i'm hypoglycemic, need a ridiculous amount of protein, not all that many calories and have an adrenal system that is, apparently, dysfunctional...
i think we've figured it out.
granted, as always, i'm a work in progress... but after a month of vitamins, supplements, seriously paying attention to what i put in my mouth AND, obviously, a lot of training (hi whats up half ironman in 6 months)...
we've made some headway.
and i couldn't BE more thrilled.
here's how this past month has panned out....
(and the accuracy of these numbers after one month.. i mean who knows. could be a fluke. BUT...)
1.25" off my waist (this i seriously question. i think i'm just having a skinny day.)
.5" off my hips
.5" off my big ole bootie
.25" ADDED to my way huge upper thigh (wtf!!? uncool.)
1" off my lower thigh
.5" off my chest (THIS i'm not as pleased with)
1" off ribs cage.
arms = same same. stupid arms.
weight wise... well. some things never change. i lost .2 lbs and .7% bodyfat, so.. i guess maybe its all just redistributing..
but the point is...
PROGRESS!!!
its not impossible!
so, cheers to one month of loss. and here's hoping February brings more of the same!
i want lasagna, a bear claw, french fries dipped in ranch, pizza with extra cheese and a tuna sandwich.
and a coke.
or maybe a strawberry shake.
OMG I'M HUNGRY. and i don't know why.
either i'm in full force PMS mode... without the random crying or snapping at friends... or i just have some cravings out the yin-yang and DAMMIT! i need to know!
having gone off the pill a few months ago for..... various reasons.... i now have to constantly wonder if my desire for caffeine, chocolate and pasta has to do with my increase in exercise or if it's because my fallopian tubes are about to eject an egg.
this is crap!
all i have to say is.... cross your fingers its pms, cuz as every good woman knows....
pms eating DOESN'T COUNT!
*sigh*
if i wasn't laughing so hard out of complete shock and horror, i would no doubt be shedding a tear.
this is going to take four months to grow out.
i look like hilary clinton's less attractive (albeit younger) sister.
with black hair.
and a tan.
f*ck scissors. i'm officially growing my hair out....
AGAIN!
on the upside i've sworn off of men and will be working out everyday until this summer, so maybe it just wont matter?! i'll wear lots of hats and become a fitness recluse.
it'll be fine.
*sigh*
F*CK!
for those of you keeping tabs at home...
pomegranate vodka: $23.00
drunk dialing/texting boys while on pomegranate vodka?!: priceless
also... word of advice!?!
sometimes not knowing what you texted while drunk is better than finding out.
i just went through my "sent" messages and found the following texts, that have nothing to do with anything that i remember about the night...
sent: "Iii!"
sent: "surl awake?!"
sent: "i need to pee but they playing journey.." (actually that has to do with the fact that i was at a dueling piano bar and... they were playing journey. i just can't actually believe i felt the need to text this to someone.)
sent: "titties and beer" ........ don't ask.
sent: "they played the little mermaid. i know all the words"
... what's important to keep in mind here is that i'm having a complete one-way conversation with this person. i had, in the 72 texts i apparently wrote... received 3 or 4 back. mostly one word answers having to do with "you're an idiot stop texting me its 1 in the morning".
*sigh*
onward...
(and the next two are truely the icing on the cake)
sent: "chicken fried chicken"
sent: "foiled!"
... i then went on to send a series of texts asking the poor recipient why on EARTH they weren't answering the phone?!
unfortunately for me this afternoon.. that reason has just become all too clear.
for those of you that were brave enough to click my freaky link in the last post... i'm making it up to you.
with... seriously the CUTEST sounding laugh that i've ever heard.
hell...its almost enough to make me want a kid of my own!!!
....almost.
(is it bad that i find it equally enjoyable that he keeps toppling over and hitting his head?!
.. i'm just sayin.)
on this thankgiving morning, while i get up the balls to go running in less than warm conditions, i wanted to update you all, and thank you for, something you were a part of back a few months ago.
most of you will remember my (or really naomi's) post back in july about sex/aids/early pregnancy, that asked for your help, in the form of dinero, for a workshop they wanted to put on. (is this the longest run-on sentence ever!? oy!)
well... the outpouring of blogger love was astonishing and we, the blogging community, raised enough money to help them put on what sounds like a very informative, hopefully first in a long line of many, workshop-festival-sex-travaganza!
to read more about it, head over to naomi's part of the world and!!?!
have a FANTASTIC thanksgiving day!
*** phone rings ***
"hey you!!"
"hey. wha'cha doin?!"
"nada. driving home. i just got outta yoga."
"ahh. how'd that go?"
"it was good! i totally love it. i always leave feeling like i'm like all.. bendy, and stuff."
.. stunned silence..
*snickering*... "ahhh. uhh, interesting. ... okay."
suddenly, realizing all bendy might not have been the best choice of words, i try to correct myself..
to no avail..
"errr, uh. you know. i'm like all stretched out? er like, flexi--"
"YEAH. yeah... no, i know... i got it...umm.. "
..... silence. muted chuckles.....
*sigh*
so.
conversation with soccer boy went well... no?!
i can't see at all how i might look like an ass.....
HAAAAAAAAAAAAhahahahahahahaha.
i. cannot. stop. laughing.
even i, a lover of all things jayhawk and proud 2003 alumni just find this to be... absurd.
fantastically, beautifully absurd, but.. absurd none the less.
you ready?!
..... CURRENTLY, KU IS THE ONLY COLLEGE TEAM TO HAVE BOTH THEIR FOOTBALL AND BASKETBALL TEAMS RANKED IN THE TOP TEN.
how 'bout them apples... bitches!
HELL. FUCKIN. YEAH. is all i gotta say to that.
and yes. the profanity really *is* appropriate.
(also?? fully aware i am setting myself up for so much disaster later on in both seasons.
but ya know what?!?!
i. don't. care!)
i love my team. i LURVE MY TEAM. i love them. i heart them all over the place.
... in other news, i'm the most horrible person ever and plan on ditching hallmark girl and our plans to watch the homecoming game at a bar in order to attend the game, in person, with soccer boy.
but.. hallmark girl's got a boyfriend, so...
i'm sure she'll understand!
*wink wink*
(also, for any jayhawks out there planning on attending the homecoming game... there's a BLUE OUT planned, so dress accordingly!)
first of all..
i'm about to be busy.
"about to be" because right at this very moment, no.. nothing's pressing. but.. if i don't hop to it soon, it will be. and then when my next big project gets dumped on my head in a week, i'll be drowning in DTRA related work and i'll be pissed at myself for not doing more, sooner.
second of all...
i'm days away from a ranting post. i just moved in with my used-to-be-but-apparently-never-really-was very good friend Hallmark Girl, and between the @%#^%! dribbling out of her mouth, being kicked out of the apartment so her parents could sleep in the bed that I'M PAYING RENT FOR, and having to watch her and her new BF play tonsil hockey all morning..
i'm less than pleased.
and last but not least...
i want aero-bars on my bike, but i'm unsure of what kind to buy. a friend suggested this site but i just don't even know how to choose.
ideas!? anyone?!
please!!?!
and.. thats all i got. stay tuned for hopefully a pretty big announcement towards the end of the week!
(HA! teasers. gotta love'em.)
well folks, this is it.
i for REAL have to move tonight. my lease is up as of midnight today and against all odds, i've found a place to live!
a house maybe? a new abode to rent?!
HECK NO!! i live in limbo.. why would i search for an actual place of residence when instead i can store my life in a box and chill out at a friends?!
its brilliant... I KNOW!!
so.. until i figure out what sort of internet situation Hallmark Girl's got goin' on at her place.. i'm out for the next few days. so with that..
i leave you with this.... (basically.. an update i wrote to a friend who after hearing it insisted i should share with ze verld. she made a good point that.. maybe i'm not the only one out there that felt/feels what i did, and.. its time to share!
it's not entertaining though, so read on if you dare.)
here's what's up.
about a month+ ago i started getting really depressed. i was lethargic all the time, i was in a bad mood, i was tired, and was making NO headway fitness-wise. (i.e. my weight-loss didn't just plateau, i started gaining again. and all those pull-ups and push-ups i used to be able to do?
not anymore. i wasn't just frustrated..i was having trouble with finding energy to care.)
at about this time a doctor at my crossfit gym offered to have me come in so she could do a full body scan. basically tell me whats up with my hydration, body fat, metabolism... the works.
basically she found
1.) she thinks i'm over-trained (or more likely under-recovered)
2.) my body is stressed, and has been for such a long time, that my hormones are effed and are no longer breaking down fat cells. hence working out all the time, eating right, but getting no where
3.) i don't get enough fat in my diet, or protein, and because i eat so much fruit.. i get too many carbs.
and wtf..i eat too much fruit!?! i didn't even know you could do that.
4.) she thinks i'm hypoglycemic, which.. okay. and..
5.) my basal metabolic rate is somewhere around 1300 calories... so on days i'm working out really hard (at the time... almost everyday).. i wasn't eating enough.
unfortunately we didn't really talk about how to FIX it, outside of a diet change, so i walked away pretty much hearing THIS:
"all the work you've been doing for the last 6 months has, in essence, set you back 6 months. you've pushed yourself too hard, and now your body is giving you the big middle finger and you're screwed.
oh, and that diet that you've been trying to stick to? its totally wrong for you"
i was crushed. i felt so defeated. like.. wow. okay. all that work for nothing??? REALLY!??!?!
good @%$#-ing times.
after some-what pulling myself together i talked to some friends and we decided i need some time off. what it boiled down to was...
two weeks -- recover.
eat more fat, more protein.. basically eat MORE.
start training in a cyclical manner so my body's constantly being challenged in NEW ways.
not just MORE of the old ways.
so... two weeks ended yesterday. and after the inital omg i feel like a cow i can't believe i haven't worked out in 2, 3, 9+ days....
i feel great. AND.. i now know to listen to my body.
now if i can just stop trying to keep up with all these athletes that have been active for years..
i might have just learned a thing or two!
so i'm driving on post today, heading to the gym when...
all of a sudden, from behind a giant bush on the side of the road, two soldiers JUMP out onto the street, and start running towards my car.
WHOAAAA. whoa. WHOA. what in the HELL is going on?
i turn down Timberlake, roll down the windows and..
"... um....HI??"
"hello ma'am. we're going to need to do a full search of your vehicle."
...."HAAA.ha. um.. ".. i just looked at him. like.. your'e kidding? right?!... ".. are..are you serious?"...
oh shit. did i run a stop sign or something? shit!
"yes ma'am. we've had a convict escape from the DB (disciplinary barracks), so we're doing a full search"
:: blank stare::
ummmmmm.. did he just say?? .. did he just say there's a murderer on the loose?
just like.... out and about?
..... that....
can't be good.
aaand, i guess that explains all the armed men at the front gate, too. huh.
"um, right.. so, okay.... do i. um?? ... do you want me to get out, or??" all of a sudden i get really nervous, my body starts emanating heat, and i start to sweat.
OMG this is highly unusual and why am i so nervous?
don't be nervous, you're not even hiding someone!
YOU DON'T ASSOCIATE WITH CONVICTS!!
"yes ma'am. exit the vehicle"
oh god oh god oh god oh god....
i walk around my car, opening all the doors.. they peek inside and.. almost to my surprise, there's no convict hidden behind seats.
oh wow thank god..
they declare me good to go, let me back in my car, and send me on my way.
as i drove off i saw them get back behind the bush and hunker down for the next car to roll by.
holy shit. that was like straight out of a movie!
after the gym i booked to back to the office, anxious to spread the news. in the middle of regaling the room full of retired army-types with my tale of ESCAPED CONVICT!!! MEN WITH GUNS!!! and SEARCHED CARS!!! i notice they all seem to sort of be... laughing at me.
i stop with my tale, look around the room and innocently just sort of ask..
"well. what?! it was INTENSE!!!
the room burst out into laughter, the whole thing was a joke, they run DB drills all the time and the search was a fake.
"WHAT!!!? nooo!! it was totally real!!"
as my co-workers were getting in a good laugh i realized well... huh. i guess those soliders DIDNT really seem all that concerned.
certainly FELT real.....
i sat back down at my desk, hung my head, and shut my mouth.
i am never living this down.
not ever.
but i SWEAR it seemed real!!
sheesh.
why. didn't someone tell me. buying a house. was such a pain in the ass.
*sigh*
i'm losing my mind here folks. i'm LOSING my MIND.
last night, trying to decide what to eat, i went into a panic attack deciding between pork and beef. we're talking a simple meal here folks...
and it had me FLOORED!!!
committment-phobia, paired with being-poor-phobia, coupled with being-single-phobia (which yes. i do see the irony there.. committment-phobia. being-single-phobia. that paradox is not lost on me)
sort of made for a bad night.
why am i even doing this? since when do i buy a house? hell, man.. i don't even have a MATE.
and that's like one of the things that you need!!!
a mate. and some money. and a good marathon time....S-H-I-T!!!
yeah.
i have no neurosis.
REALLY!
anyway that being said... my shit's a little crazy right now. i've gotta be outta my apartment by aug. 31st.. i need to find a place to stay by sept. 1st, and i just changed counties..
oh yeah thats right COUNTIES, for my house-hunt.
i'm. a mess.
so if i've been giving bad blog.. (which i have) or if i give bad blog in the future (which i will).. i apologize in advance.
feel free to step away from my site, and move along in a different direction.
and don't worry about me, folks.
i'm just quietly losing my mind.
everything's fine.
i. have. THE BEST. readers.
you guys are amazing. i just got a quick little update from noames who informed me that she's already received about 2/3 of the money they need to meet their safe sex/anti-AIDS workshop budget!!
this just sounds like such an important event, and i love that the RBF and TRI'ers out there have rallied with such a quick response. it really goes to show what kind of people this group is made up of.
i'm all goofy smiles about it.
YOU. GUYS. RULE.
i think there's someone in everyone's life who, every now and then, just has a way with words.
no matter what you do, no matter who you become, they have a way of saying just the right thing.
and it gets to you.
....bad.
in my case.. Texas Boy is that "who". and yesterday is that "when".
he and i have a... strange relationship... at best. but he's meant a lot to me in my life and, sometimes when i need to.. i just can't walk away.
unfortunately for me, after the race.. in the midst of our exchange... i let something he said, which he probably didn't mean, cut me pretty deep.
and it spiraled... probably a little bit out of control.
i wasn't expecting the response i got from all of you when i wrote yesterday's post.
you're overwhelmingly supportive, and it was heart-warming to feel the kind of support you all provide.
a lot of what you wrote is absolutely true, and i'm taking what you said to heart. because you're right.
i'm out there, and i'm doing it, and thats more than what a lot of people can say.
and...!!!?!
i suck.
i mean lets be honest i just really kinda do!!!
but i'm growing. and i'm learning. and 98% of the time.. it's not so bad.
hell.. mostly its just down right fun.
i wouldn't have half the hsyterical experiences that i've had, nor ANY blogging fodder, if i were out there, taking it all so seriously, trying to dominate the course and win the whole damn thing!
yesterday, for a few short hours... i just forgot.
but i promise to try and not do that again!
ya know whats funny?
is that now-a-days, a week consisting of only two crossfit workouts, one trip to the gym and a couple of 40 minute runs...
actually qualifies me as a slacker.
whats up with that!!?!
between last week's trip to NY, a bogus "recovery" day from my tri, and this weekend's trip to see family.... i feel a bit like a cow.
its truly amazing how quickly i can fall out of my regular routine. and down right scary how fast my body can atrophy into twice its normal size.
i kid you not.
so while i can't make any promises about this weekend's caloric intake, i can hereby declare that come monday morning, i'm up and at'em once again.
running. biking. swimmin
