onepinkfuzzy

I finally did it. I broke the 15.5 mile barrier. Today, I did 16.8 miles. I still can't believe I actually did 16.8 miles! I can't stop saying it. 16.8 miles. Plus 1900 vertical feet of elevation. No wonder I was so exhausted by the end! Could barely walk the last .5 mile...okay, so that may have been because I ran my heart out for the previous two miles, but more on that later.

Stats:
16.8 miles
1900 vert ft
Total time = 4 hours, 35 minutes (16:22/mile)
Run time = 4 hours, 11 minutes (14:56/mile)
Break time = 24 minutes
Slow, but worth it...

So I started out up Sabino Road from the visitors center, and did my first Phoneline loop (a common loop for trail runners out here). Up the Road, then up a trail from the end of the road, back down the trail for a really long, lonely 3.9 miles down to Lower Sabino Road, near the dam, and then out to the east end of the Sabino parking lot. I managed to run the first 3 miles up and down the Canyon, and had to walk the last .7 up the "big" hill - I used to be intimidated by that hill, but now that I went up it twice in one day, I'm not so intimidated anymore.

Then up, up, up the hill. Then down a ways, then back up again. And again. Okay, I was tired. Kept going and finally hit the down. Down, across and down some more. Looking down on the brilliant fall colors below me in the canyon, breathing in deep in every nook (and there were plenty of them) to capture that moist smell of morning, enjoying the feeling of my body moving. Then it started getting monotonous. Into a nook, around the nose of a ridge. Into a nook, around the nose of a ridge. There was no one out there. Into a nook, around the nose of a ridge. More morning smell. More brilliant fall colors. No one out there. I got really lonely. Stopped, ate a gel, then went around another nosy ridge, and promptly ran into four different groups of people. Whew! Felt much better. Finally hit the "cheese-grater" rocks (imagine running down a cheese grater - yuck) and knew I was close to the road. At the road, had to hit a restroom for a pit stop, and make the mistake of bending over without bending my knees to retie my shoes. I stood back up, and my left hamstring let me know it was FURIOUS. Oh my god, the pain. I wobbled up the slight hill, and slowly jogged down the last .4 on dirt to the parking lot.

Hit up my aid station - the trunk of my car - then headed back up the road. I walked most of the 3.7 miles up to the end of the road. I was able to run some of it, but I was so sore; I just walked. It was at this point that I began having serious difficulty. I have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) from a traumatic childhood. I have been able to manage it really well for the last two years. Well, I got one mile into my last out-and-back, and got "triggered." The emotions just started to overwhelm me. I think it was due to two things: stuff going on in my life right now, and then being utterly wiped out from the run. My defenses were down, and the emotions just slammed me. I wanted to throw myself down on a bench, take a few breaths and slowly walk back out. But I didn't. For the first time in my life, I didn't let it stop me. I kept moving. I KEPT MOVING. I told myself to just keep walking. Take all those emotions and channel them into my tired legs. Use the energy to propel me. I wasn't going to shut down. Not this time. No way.

I made it to the top. At the top, I sat down to eat a get, and felt something brush my neck. Not thinking, I squished my neck and shoulder together and promptly got stung. OUCH!

So I started down. I tried to run, and made it down the .7 on the hill running. Then I had to walk. I was so sore. I tried to run a little more, but my legs just kept going numb. Then the PTSD-related emotions started coming back, and I got mad. I am so tired of these emotions. I want to move through them; I want to process them and get on with my life. I started pushing off angrily and realized that I was kicking off the ground. That connected with me, and I started running - hard. I repeated a mantra - "Kick for all the times/they didn't let you kick" - and I ran. And ran. And ran. I ran so hard, so fast, for two miles, with tears just streaming down my face. I got a few funny looks, but I didn't care. I was defending myself, feeling my legs kick and push, finally, all these years later. I couldn't defend myself then - but I can now. I can move my body however I want. I can run. I am powerful. I am strong. I ran.

I had to walk the final .5 mile after running so hard, but I didn't care. I did it. I broke through my 15.5 mile barrier. I broke through my 30 miles in a week barrier. I broke through my emotional barrier. I ran.