I am having such major mood swings! I'll be happy and skipping along one moment, feeling like I can conquer the world, and then I'll be in tears, absolutely terrified that I won't be able to complete my race on Saturday. I haven't ran in almost a week. The cold has moved into my chest.
I keep telling myself that I can do it. Like Kim and Rae said, I'll adjust my fueling/hydrating to compensate for the hot temperatures and my cold. Like my running partner Paki said, I'll treat it as "just another run" and also as a way to heal from all this stress I'm feeling. I have to remove the pressure that I put on myself. Once again, I decided I could handle something, but didn't take into account, I don't know, just LIFE!
So then I think about how everything that's happening is just a part of life, and I think, "well, of course I can do the run on Saturday. It's all just life. The race is about living." I wanted to do this race as a physical expression of the emotional journey I've been through in the last year or so. Well, doing it under all this...LIFE...is par for the course!
Can you tell I'm panicking? I'm sure I'll be posting my fears every day until Friday, when we travel to Phoenix. This whole tapering thing threw my focus off, threw the "get this done" feeling off - it's not there anymore. That focus, that pressure, that "you WILL run 35 miles this week" is gone. Tapering screws with your head.
Update (about 5 minutes later)
So I'm reading other blogs, getting inspired again. Going for a run like this - 31 miles - is going to feel GOOD. I get to relax, focus on only feeling my body move. Be reminded of "the miracle you are" as "another ultra runner" Jeff posted to my blog once. (Jeff, if you are out there, I really like your comment, but you didn't have a blogger profile and I couldn't find out more about you. If you are reading this, thank you for your insight!) This race will be so nice - all I'll have to think about is the next five miles - the distance between the aid stations. I'll have support. I'll have water to toss over my head. I'll have the comraderie of other crazy ultra runners. I'll have plenty of food and water and Gatorade. I'll get to spend the entire day outside, listening to the birds, watching the sun move over the rocks and just appreciating being alive. OMG, that's it - it's not about whether or not I can finish the damn thing in 8 hours, it's about EXPERIENCING it - what a great adventure to be a part of!