Greedy Follow-Up
A few weeks ago, I was contemplating an emotion I had felt for most of my life, but had been unable to name. Finally, I realized it was "greedy." Then I came across that article, and it really hit home.
I am greedy with almost everthing, but most especially: food, running, reading and loved ones' attention. I shovel food into my mouth, barely taking time to breathe. I can't share my food. I am more than happy to go into the kitchen and make food for Ash, but share what's on my plate? Not likely. Running: I shovel running into my life, barely taking time for anything else (as I can, with the exception of being injured). My time for my running cannot be used for anyone else. Johnny wants a run? Tough. This is my time. If I'm reading a book? This is my escape, and I need more. Don't talk to me. Around my close ones? Don't you dare pay attention to anyone else. Unless I am reading. You are not allowed to have anyone else. (Ash is sole exclusion - when he is around, I am okay with not being the center of attention.) But mostly? Me, me, me. Mine, mine, mine. It's ugly, but it's the truth.
Emotions closely related to this: jealousy and panic.
It's a discomfiting to think about. I am very uncomfortable with recognizing this emotion. I wasn't going to share it on my blog, because it's not "nice." It's a yucky emotion. It's something I don't want to admit to dealing with. But then that "greedy" article came out, and I had to share.
I'm not sure yet just how to get rid of this. I think being aware is the first step. Next, I think I need to find the sanity in it. What does being greedy, jealous and/or panicked bring to me? Why is it beneficial? I believe that there is sanity in everything humans do - even the "bad" or "ugly" things. If I can find the sanity, then I can find how I can meet that need with good emotions, or better actions, anyway.
This is a sticky thing for me. This is hard and tough and I don't know quite how to proceed. I think I just need to think of integrity with every action I take. I need to think even before I sit down to eat. Before I lace up my shoes for a run. Before I pick up a book to read. I need analyze the why - the sanity - and work on my thought processes in regard to that.
Comments
DATE: 1:27 PM, March 21, 2006
Hey, you think we are sisters separated at birth?OK, I can deal with not been a center of attention, in fact I usually hide from it, I am scared of "party more than 3", but food and running...my hubby tells me I have OCD and addictive personality what is not healthy for the family. I am squeezing running time but not sharing time of racing, as well as emotions from it. Here, greedy sister:) You are not alone. As for food, back in Med School you better don't eat from the same plate with me (you know, in dorm room) - you'll go hungry!
Posted by: olga | April 2, 2006 01:07 PM
DATE: 1:42 PM, March 21, 2006
The opposite of greedy is being guilt-ridden, an equally unattractive quality in most people. Finding that midpoint, as you seem willing to do, and surrounding yourself with people who respect your time and your private space will go a long way.
Posted by: Anne | April 2, 2006 01:07 PM
DATE: 2:21 PM, March 21, 2006
I think part of getting holder is acknowledging these 'ugly' truths about ourselves in order to respond more productively. The positives of this trait is that you are passionate about running, you dive deeply into subjects and you are always there for your friends and family. The ugly side is if it goes too far-- you're compensating for an irrational fear. Perhaps a fear of not getting enough. If you can take the positives and address the negatives you are making the best out of your nature (rather than fighting it). Don't beat yourself up too much by labeling it negatively. Take a look of what is motivating this desire to be 'greedy' and that will take you to your next steps. It's all a process. (P.S. I have an incurable prefectionist streak which leads to a all-or-nothing attitude and lots of procastinating--if I can't do it right, why bother-- we all have our curious ways of approaching the world).
Posted by: Christine | April 2, 2006 01:07 PM
DATE: 2:24 PM, March 21, 2006
Obviously my perfectionism doesn't include spell check.
Posted by: Christine | April 2, 2006 01:07 PM
DATE: 3:03 PM, March 21, 2006
Angie, Have you ever read about the "Theory of Scarcity" and the "Theory of Abundance"? It's something I've been thinking about posting on, and I think worth thinking about. Simply, the theory of scarcity says, there are limited resources, I have to hold on and hoard in order to have. The theory of abundance says there is plenty, there is always more, lots to share. Okay, I started to write way more, but realized I have so much to say that I should post on it. Stay tuned...
Posted by: backofpack | April 2, 2006 01:07 PM
DATE: 3:15 PM, March 21, 2006
It takes courage to go through real self-examination, and though I'm certain you're being too hard on yourself, the way you and Johnny honestly evaluate yourselves will surely help Ash deal with his own emotions. Like a dreaded long run-tough but necessary in order to truly progress.
Posted by: Mike | April 2, 2006 01:07 PM
DATE: 3:28 PM, March 21, 2006
This post has been removed by the author.
Posted by: psbowe | April 2, 2006 01:07 PM
DATE: 3:29 PM, March 21, 2006
Angie, don't feel so bad cuz I'm pretty much the same way you described yourself but most of the time I take it as fullfilling my hearts desires, now is that being selfish?? Hmmmm
Posted by: psbowe | April 2, 2006 01:07 PM
DATE: 8:48 PM, March 21, 2006
When I read your post, three thoughts occurred to me:1) Man oh man, do you sound like me.2) Don't be so hard on yourself.(The irony of thoughts 1 and 2 should not be lost on us.)3) Next time you take time for YOU to read, you might enjoy Ghandi's autobiography, "My experiments with truth." It's a long read, but worth it.
Posted by: Sarah Elaine | April 2, 2006 01:07 PM
DATE: 1:39 AM, March 22, 2006
Yeah, lets talk about me syndrome! That's why I have a blog, just kidding, or am I? I think the first step is recognize that there may be a problem in our lifes. The next step is to decide if this "problem" really is one and whether is negatively effecting those important in our lives. Finally we can try to figure out how to change, or worst case, we can try to channel this "problem" in a positive direction, e.g. my stubborness towards my racing goals.
Posted by: Jack | April 2, 2006 01:07 PM
DATE: 3:01 AM, March 22, 2006
Angie, nobody is perfect, and we all have faults. That's what makes us human. But to recognise those faults is a very positive thing, and to go as far as posting your thoughts on your blog shows how far you're prepared to go in trying to better yourself.That was a very couragous post, and you deserve a lot of credit for it.
Posted by: Thomas | April 2, 2006 01:07 PM
DATE: 6:38 PM, March 22, 2006
Everything happens for a reason - look inside yourself and you'll find the answer.
Posted by: Susan | April 2, 2006 01:07 PM