onepinkfuzzy

I've been busy these last few months trying to accommodate everyone else's needs. Rearranging my thought patterns, my desires, my wants, my needs to meet my perceptions of others' expectations. I've been putting out my "extendable ears" (think Harry Potter) to try and gauge people's thoughts or perceptions of me. I haven't been bringing my needs to the table. I haven't been using my integrity as my guide to life, my map and compass. I've been ignoring me. Ignoring my Voice. I've been putting pressure on me to be a specific kind of person that I think other people want me to be - and who I can't be. The result? I fell like I can't do anything right. I'm failing at it.

I've been thinking that I am doing everything to the best of my ability, and yet I am hearing (perceiving/interpreting) "You are wrong!" continuously. I wrote in my journal this morning, "There's no benefit. There's no use staying, trying. I'm just no use. No help. I sacrifice, move, accommodate, change, try, put forth effort and I don't see a match on the other side. I only hear (perceive/interpret) blame, unworthiness and more demands to change."

What if I fail? What does that mean? What's wrong with failing? Why am I so scared of it? So scared that I'd rather leave a situation than fail it? What if I'm not perfect? What if I make "wrong" choices, even with the best of intentions?

Does it mean I am a hypocrite? Does it mean I am wrong, dumb, an idiot, incapable? Does it mean I am worthless? Of no value?

Screw that!

I decided today that even if I do fail, I am still going to hold myself in high esteem. Because we all have stretch marks ("imperfections"). We all are human. None of us is perfect - nor will we EVER be.

I heard an interesting saying today: “Perfectionism lies in our imperfection.” Put another way, “It is our imperfection that makes us perfect.”

So I decided I was perfect, just the way I am – warts, failures, anger, depression and all, regardless of what anyone else thinks (or what I think they think).

We're all going to have "bad" days. Weeks. Months. We'll all forget how to stay in touch with our "pink fuzzy." (See left sidebar for pink fuzzy definition. We all have it. Mine just happens to be a pink fuzzy.)

I decided to withdraw my "extendable ears" because the only person whose opinion matters to me is mine. I can still have confidence in me even if I'm not perfect, or don't "measure up" to my perceptions of someone else's standards. I can still value me, even if I am afraid that others don't. I decided that I'm damn proud of my stretch marks, warts and shortcomings. That's how I got my spunk and determination. How I learn. Who I am.

How do I want to be treated? With understanding and compassion. Therefore, I will treat myself that way.

(And just because I have decided to accept who I am right now does not mean I won't improve myself. I like the challenge and adventure of seeing if I can attain the "next level" or rise above or evolve. That doesn't mean I'm wrong or worthless right now. It just means that I can see a better way of doing things. And I think that's a good thing.)