And then, it happened
Today, Olga's post finally broke through the barriers I've kept around my heart and soul for so long.
I'm sure most of you know about the arrest made in the JonBenet case. What most of you don't know is that when I was six years old, I went through a similar hell in my life - only I lived. They told me they loved me, that these things would allow to join a secret society of acceptance and love. Then came the horror, the violence. The news this week has re-opened so many wounds, so much pain, so much fear, so much horror. I've been walking around in a daze, just trying to stay moving. Using my ultra-training to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Knowing that I can keep moving through the pain. I can still live, even with the pain. I don't have stop, don't have to freeze, like I did for so many years.
Olga boiled it down today. Those events in the past? They were just that - events. My therapist keeps telling me life is about the *process* not the content. Trauma as a child - the content. It's how I keep moving through the content, the events, that makes up life. Olga says, "What happened were mere events, what is now is how I respond to them, what choice do I make for myself. I want myself healthy in every possible way. Only this way I can have healthy relationships with my kids, my family"
I WANT TO BE HEALTHY. I DESERVE TO BE HEALTHY. I AM ALIVE. I AM NOT DEAD. I AM NOT STUCK BACK THEN. THEY NO LONGER HAVE CONTROL OVER ME.
What is now is how I respond to the event. What choice I make for myself. I choose to live. I choose to move. I choose to run. I choose to celebrate my life, my existence. I choose to leave my past in the past and and see my beautiful self now. I choose to accept what happened to me and comfort the small child inside me who is still crying. I choose to be strong and look forward to the beauty and hope life has to offer. I am now. I am alive. I am here to make choices. I have that opportunity. And I will take it.
Comments
Angie,
You are strong and you are wonderful. You do deserve to live free of pain and full of life and happiness. You have proven your strength again and again - simply by being here today to tell your story. Now you are making a choice to thrive and move forward. You are awesome!
Posted by: backofpack | August 18, 2006 02:28 PM
I know just how hard it is to open up. How even harder it is to admit it to yourself. How to repeat the words "I have a choice" numerous times, and then still crash, most times not even suspecting what caused it.
Angie, I don't know the answers. I just try my earnest. At times I feel like I am hiding behind "I am a strong survivor", at times I think it's the only way to go. I am yet to meet a REAL person (not a TV show one) who libed, accpeted, forgave, forgot and really moved on. I think it will keep re-surfacing. How we deal with it is up to us, our choice. Will it get easier? I don't know. But we will learn how to respond to unexpected outbursts better. And there will be fewer of those.
Real hug in 2.5 months?
:)
Posted by: olga | August 18, 2006 03:47 PM
Angie- I think this one is very true:
Unhappiness does not exist in the present moment !
Unhappiness exists only as a reflection or regret about the past or as an anticipation or worry toward the future. It does not exist right now, in this moment ....if we stay in this moment.
That's why i love running so much - i'm in THIS moment! Maybe that's WHY you love it so much, too!
Posted by: steph | August 18, 2006 03:56 PM
Angie .. thank you for this post... you are a strong person and you do deserve to be and remain healthy ... you are incredible
Posted by: Phil | August 18, 2006 04:22 PM
Angie,
You are a beautiful, intelligent young lady who has made wonderful choices in your adult life.
Be strong in facing life's demons....which really means being brave enough to feel those scary emotions again and then enjoying the freedom it will give you to finally be free of them. You deserve that--I'm sending out some strength your way.
Damn proud of you for sharing your story.
Posted by: LoraRuns | August 18, 2006 05:54 PM
Live.
Thanks.
Posted by: jank | August 18, 2006 07:13 PM
You are amazing, Angie!
Posted by: Sarah | August 18, 2006 08:30 PM
One of the things I enjoy about your posts is their vulnerable honesty. Through them, your strength shines through.
Here's to moving forward.
Posted by: Sarah Elaine | August 18, 2006 09:30 PM
You are amazing and inspiring!
Posted by: ironayla | August 18, 2006 09:45 PM
((((Angie))) You are STRONG! You know that YOU ARE. Running is therapy. Use it to clear your mind.
We are here for you.
Posted by: Denise "Firefly" | August 18, 2006 09:45 PM
you remind me with this that we are all responsible for our own hapiness...it is not something that others give to us...it is completely internal. i choose to be happy or sad. i like the affirmative choices you are making and they are very inspiring to read. you are the best, angie!
Posted by: matt | August 18, 2006 11:29 PM
bless your heart.
there will inevitably be moments triggered by current events that you are pulled under one of life's emotional waves and as you are doing, keep moving and making good choices and you will be up and riding the waves again....
Posted by: neese | August 19, 2006 03:44 AM
You are a survivor and I thank you for sharing your story.
Posted by: jkrunning | August 19, 2006 05:41 AM
You are amazing girl! Live on and run strong! You have been through so much. Your attitude is great and you are obviously surrounded by those who love you very much.
Posted by: Elizabeth | August 19, 2006 07:31 AM
Wow Angie. Your post just blew me away. Seriously for you to open up like that and be willing to be vulnerable says so much about the kind of person you are and how strong you are already. I have no doubt in mind you are very strong person and I've never even met you yet face to face!
Thank you so much for sharing this. I pray that you continue to have such a positive attitude. A will to live. A will to be healthy. A will to run. And a will to not let past events hold you down. You rock Angie!!!
*hugs*
Jessica
Posted by: Jessica | August 19, 2006 10:37 AM
Wow, Jessica summed it up beautifully.I am so sorry that this happened to you. You're so very brave to face this and move forward. I have so much respect for you.
Posted by: Kim | August 19, 2006 12:03 PM
It is simply amazing how the human spirit can thrive in adversity. You will free your spirit. Let it go. It always brings tears to my eyes when folks such as yourself give this little bit to lift all the rest of us up higher.
Posted by: Wes | August 19, 2006 01:08 PM
Thank you for sharing your story.
You are amazing.
Posted by: ali | August 19, 2006 01:47 PM
enjoy your life
i love your spirit.....really....
Posted by: jullian | August 19, 2006 02:12 PM
You are alive! This place wouldn't be the same with out you.
I am so sorry about the terrible things in your past. Keep up the good fight and continue to move forward. You are awesome.
Posted by: darrell | August 20, 2006 07:32 AM
Clearly you have a long happy and healthy road ahead of you -literally and figuratively - for running and for living. Bravo to you for seizing it!
Posted by: Ami | August 21, 2006 05:10 AM
Angie -
You are a wonderful, vibrant, powerful woman who deserves only the very best in life.
Live, laugh, love and RUN!
Tanya
Posted by: Tanya | August 21, 2006 08:08 AM
I'm a little late and catching up and just want you to know you aren't alone. I was 4 when I escaped kidnappers. They went to prison. You can't change the past, but you can't erase it either. Keep up with the therapy and you'll get through this bad patch too.
Posted by: Anne | August 21, 2006 04:25 PM
I playing catchup with blogging. Live for now and the future, Olga has it right, the past is only events that happened. When old memories try to smother you, break out by creating new memories with your family and on the trails!
Posted by: Jack | August 22, 2006 12:20 AM
Angie, you amaze me always. You deserve all the best.
Posted by: Renee | August 22, 2006 11:53 AM
Angie - how wonderful of you to come to this conclusion... and inspiring for you to post it here.
This is a big step for you! **hugs** You are in my thoughts... stay strong girl!
Posted by: RunnerGirl | August 22, 2006 12:56 PM
What a beautiful post.
Posted by: Timber - The Trail Running Lab | August 23, 2006 10:46 AM