onepinkfuzzy

(Before I begin, let me just say that I've already discussed everything in this post with Johnny, who I have discovered can still be my best friend, even if he's developing a relationship with someone else. Let me also say that there's no possible way I can keep my random babblings away from this blog. I am so much more than running.)

His touch is exquisite; his body is decadent. He is long and lean, with thick wavy gray hair - he is 15 years my senior - and intriguing planes and angles to his face. He lives downtown in a yellow house filled with character - and clothing. His clothing spills everywhere. His living room is filled with instruments - guitars, drums - and his bike. His backyard is a kid's paradise: a treehouse painted with flowers, a giant slide, trees, chickens. His bathtub is pink with blue polka-dots. I loved the polka-dots. I laughed at being drawn to yet another trad-climbing, telemark-skiing, nature-loving man. At least he isn't a runner (anymore); he is a cyclist and swimmer.

I want to be with someone who is as captivated with me as I am with them. Mr. Polka-Dotted Bathtub very clearly stated at the beginning of our relationship - such as it was - he was emotionally unavailable. Ms. Peace Corps had his heart. It will be another 14 months before she returns to the states. I pursued Mr. Polka-Dotted Bathtub anyway. How great it would be, I thought, to be involved with an emotionally unavailable person. I wouldn't have to worry about losing myself in someone again. I wouldn't have to worry about whether this was just a rebound thing or not. How perfect that I found this man at this time in my life.

And on Saturday night at a fun gig his band was playing at a funky gallery, after the third time he said something about the limited time of our relationship, I started thinking. What fun is it to be involved with someone when you already know the outcome? I already know - he's going to choose Ms. Peace Corps. There's no fun there, it's so oppressive. No joy! There's no chance, not even a possibility of something more with him. I don't even know if I want something more with him. But to not have even the possibility of discovering more - that keeps tripping me up. I want to explore every facet of his mind, not just his body. I want him to want to explore every facet of my mind (and my body).

And he doesn't. He doesn't want to fall for me. He wants to wait for Ms. Peace Corps.

I drove to his house yesterday, his charming, cluttered house full of color and life and clothes and polka-dots. I sat on his rose-covered couch next to his old and gnarled cat and I told him I can't do this. I can't continue this. He understood. He looked at me, the planes and angles of his beautiful face looking so sad. He told me how one of his closest friends says she wants to be with someone who will fight for her. I smiled, completely understanding. And then I walked out. As I left, he called after me, "I'll wait for you to contact me." I turned and looked at him. And he said, "Or maybe, if I get impatient, I'll contact you." I replied, "Maybe I"ll wait for that," closed the red gate to his overgrown front yard, and walked to my car.

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I know he won't contact me. I won't hear from him. I'm afraid I'm too much, too overwhelming, too honest (no mystery), too...Angie...for him to want me. It's hard for me right now. I'm no one's primary interest - Johnny has Ms. Mommy Virgo, Ash has Johnny (his way of grieving is to cling to Johnny. He says he loves his daddy a lot and he loves his mommy a little. While I understand where that's coming from, it still hurts), Mr. Polka-Dotted Bathtub has Ms. Peace Corps. So much of my life has revolved around what other people think of me, or where I rank in their lives. I need to be my primary interest right now. Johnny's story is his; what he does with his life is his business. Mr. Polka-Dotted Bathtub's story is his; if he chooses to wait another 14 months for someone who might not come to Tucson anyway, then that's his choice, his life, his story.

What will my story be?

I'm glad I registered for OP before it sold out. I will spend this winter getting to know me, listening to my body, fueling and hydrating and moving in a healthy way. Johnny was awesome "crew" for me yesterday as I lay sobbing, grieving, on my bed. "Get up, Angie, keep moving. You are in an aid station; let me just get you some water. Do you need food? Don't stop here. Don't stop. Get up and get moving. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. You can do it."

I can do it.