Paperwork
It's official. I filed the paperwork yesterday. In 21 days, I file the application for default and in 61 days, I file the decree of dissolution and make a court date. My marriage of eleven years will be legally over in a few short months. We made the decision this summer...I moved out in September...we spent time working out the details sans lawyers...and now, the paperwork is filed.
It was fast - it took one hour from picking Johnny up to dropping him off. I didn't expect the court system to be that quick. The gentleman processing the paperwork moved with ruthless efficiency, stamping and punching and tossing the papers into stacks with almost violent precision. He carelessly tossed off his words - "You John? Okay, I just served you notice. Sign here." - and asked for an obscene amount of money (If wedding licenses and paperwork cost as much as divorce, I bet less people would get married - and thusly, get divorced). Each time he pounded a stamp or inserted paper into a punching machine, Johnny and I shuddered. Yes, this divorce is what we - I - wanted; yes, this is a step in a positive direction; yes, we still care about each other and are friends; yet the officialness, the loudness, the precision, the efficiency with which the beginning of the legal dissolution of our marriage was handled was shocking.
Back in the office, I found myself reaching for peanut M&Ms, cheese and crackers - comfort food. I ate too much. For dinner, I crammed too many chips in, then followed that with waffles and sausage - more comfort food. My stomach was too full, too anxious. I wanted to go for a run instead of stuffing my mouth with food, but I was still recovering from the previous day's 11 mile trail run (side note: run was up/around Agua Caliente hill...turned my ankle four miles in, my right ITB started getting really cranky about 7 miles in and got off the trail four times, yet it was the most glorious, fun, fantastic, playful run I've done in ages).
We've only fought maybe two times since we split this summer. Last night, we fought a third time - a mean, wicked fight. I was cranky, tired and ornery, and Johnny was feeling sensitive and rejected. We ended the night with "f* you," after which I felt even more sad. I didn't sleep well. I don't want to be mean to Johnny. I don't want to drive him away. I don't want him to be mean to me, or to drive me away. He is and always has been my best friend. I don't want that to go away. Johnny, I know you'll read this - and I want you to know I'm sorry.
Comments
Oh Angie.. I'm so sorry. I know your heart must be aching. Take a deep breath.. stand up.. and just keep going! You'll be fine... maybe even better!! If you need anything.. call me..or write me...
Posted by: Tigerlilly | October 24, 2006 06:49 AM
Big virtual hugs! I know how hard this is. I too can relate to the shocking officialness and efficiency, etc of how this whole process gets handled. Even a "wanted" divorce is not easy and the coldness of the process sure doesn't help.
You know how to get ahold of me if you need too!
Take care!
Posted by: Jessica | October 24, 2006 07:40 AM
Hugs. Holding hands. Thinking of you. Scary times. What IS easy? Nothing is what we read in books. Crap. I'd be screaming too!
Cry. Turn to friends. Squeeze the pillow. Eat. Run. Do whatever is "comfort" for you. Because it is for you.
Love.
Posted by: olga | October 24, 2006 08:02 AM
I'm sorry, Angie! My best friend just went through a divorce. Even if you are friends, it just sucks! But you are strong and you'll get through it. Sending hugs your way.
Sorry we didn't get to meet up (did you go on that run in the Rincons?) Hopefully next time! : )
Posted by: Sarah | October 24, 2006 08:18 AM
The finality of it is tough. Hang in there. We'll be thinking of you.
Posted by: D | October 24, 2006 11:03 AM
I got divorced about 11 years ago. Looking back I think it was easier that we weren't best friends anymore and in fact, I hated him and saw him for who he really was.
That you and Johnny usually do get along well and consider yourselves friends makes it more bittersweet, I'm sure.
It's tough now, but in the long run it'll be better for Ash that you do remain good friends.
I know it's tough and the whole process leaves you feeling icky and sad and angry at times. That will all fade. Lean on your friends and run the frustrations out.
Hugs,
Tanya in California
Posted by: Tanya | October 24, 2006 11:07 AM
Being a guy going through a difficult divorce, all I can say is this: Cut your ex some slack here. You dumped him (as my wife dumped me).
I don't know your ex but chances are he is a pretty sad, confused guy right now. If he is like me, he wanted a wife and kids, family vacations, presents under the Christmas tree. It's not just you he can't have; it's what he thought his life would be like.
Even good divorces are pretty bad.
As always, your writing is great and a pleasure to read.
Posted by: Jon | October 24, 2006 02:16 PM
Angie, I know how you are feeling. It's SO hard. My ex and I could not talk much once the divorce was final. We were both hurting. We are slowly starting to talk again. Let me know if you need to talk.
Posted by: Denise "Firefly" | October 24, 2006 06:47 PM
Very sad post Angie. Not sure what to say except good luck in dealing with all the emotions. Hopefully you'll overcome the hurt soon.
Posted by: Donald | October 24, 2006 07:49 PM
Angie .. the process is very efficient in Arizona. As tough as it is emotionally, Johnny could be making life very tough for you right now. The fact that neither of you are acting like a%%holes is testiment your character.
Keep blogging, it is much better for you than eating junk. We'll listen.
Sorry to hear that you twisted your ankle. I sincerely hope that you heal up quickly.
Posted by: Phil | October 24, 2006 07:50 PM
My feelings are kind of split here, I've been in Johnny's shoes, I have a pretty good idea of what he might be feeling right now, but I can understand your side as well. Please realize that it will take a little time for things to heal, it's going to be tough for both of you for awhile because you still do care about each other.
Posted by: Jack | October 25, 2006 12:00 AM
Oh my, this doesn't sound too good. I really don't envy you for having to go through this. I do feel for you. *hug*
Posted by: Thomas | October 25, 2006 03:35 AM
This must be a difficult journey for you. Seek comfort in what you love.
Posted by: Josh | October 25, 2006 11:21 AM
Hugs to both you and Johnny. I don't envy your situation, but it is a testament to your marriage that you are able to remain friends. There will be hurt feelings, and arguements, but remember why he is your friend and try to focus on that.
Posted by: jkrunning | October 25, 2006 03:56 PM
Tough times Angie. I'm sure it is hard for both of you. And for Ash. He needs you both and he needs parents who only think the best of the other. I know you two will get through this.
Posted by: backofpack | October 29, 2006 06:36 AM
Oh wow, just thinking of you...hoping that peace will come your way soon.
Posted by: Bella | October 29, 2006 10:52 PM
You are very lucky that you are both still amicable even if you did just have this fight. I am sure neither of you meant to hurt each other.
Sending you some virtual positive vibes. I hope that ankle and ITB feel better!
Posted by: Elizabeth | October 30, 2006 06:41 AM
I just read it, thanks.
Posted by: me | November 1, 2006 07:02 PM
hang in there. i know this is tough. it will get better, i promise.
Posted by: jeanne | November 6, 2006 11:15 AM