Christmas
How do I do Christmas this year? I’m stumped and sad and nostalgic and scared and wanting to make it special for Ash (and me!). I haven’t wanted to read anyone’s responses to the meme making the rounds, because I’m afraid it will just make me cry. Christmas is so steeped in tradition in my family, a tradition I shrugged off as an adult because I wasn’t comfortable with the religious overtones. Now, after having a child, I realize that it’s a cultural event, a special holiday to share with my son, my family, my friends. I want to embrace it, but I don’t know how. I’ve been busy and avoiding it these last few weeks. No tree, no lights. I have been making gifts, but that is it. How do I want to celebrate? How do I bring a sense of tradition and ritual and comfort and peace and love to my son on this holiday? I treasure those memories from my childhood, and hope to bring the same to Ash. How will I bring a sense of love and beauty and peace to *me* on this holiday? I think I’m ready to start thinking about how I want to celebrate it, how I want to savor it, instead of wondering how I will grin and bear it and get it over with. How will I spend Christmas eve this year, when I can’t have my son with me? How do I want to make it special for me, even though he won’t be there? How do I want to make it special, even though I won’t have anyone “special” in town to celebrate it with? I’ve been struggling with feelings of loneliness over the last few days; it’s really hitting home now.
I want to focus on the fact that things are wide open this year. I can choose what I want to do, create new traditions, new rituals. Instead of being scared that the new traditions or whatever choice I make won’t live up to the beauty of my childhood traditions, I want to savor whatever it is I choose to do, now, in the present.
I was just re-reading some e-mails I sent to a friend earlier this year, explaining my approach to life: “The main thrust of my life right now is about being open, honest, free, seeing where life’s flow goes, knowing that I and I alone am responsible for my choices, my decisions, my life. Seeing where my life takes me, and who comes into or out of my orbit and in what way. Or rather, seeing where I want to go, and who I want coming into or out of my orbit and in what way. Learning to let go, knowing I’ll be fine no matter what happens.”
Damn, I haven’t applied that to Christmas yet! I need to remember that I’ll be fine, no matter what happens. No matter how sad I may feel on Christmas eve, no matter who I do or do not spend it with. One foot at a time, I will make it through this. And I will be okay.
Speaking of one foot at a time, I went for a run last night. I rushed home, and threw on my winter gear – it was so cold yesterday, it snowed in nearby towns and up on the mountains! I ran just over 2 miles, and it felt great. No knee pain, although my calves were a little tight. It was great fun to be running out in the chilly air; I really enjoyed feeling my body move, breathing deeply. A great release that I needed! I should get out a few more times this week, woo hoo!
Comments
Woo Hoo indeed.
And aren't kids the absolute greatest? I think I've learned more about how to relate to people in the 6 years I've had mine than in the 28 years preceeding them.
Posted by: jank | December 20, 2006 12:42 PM
Have a Merry Christmas :o)
Posted by: neese | December 20, 2006 01:01 PM
Angie,
Though Christmas Eve is a special night, it is in another sense, just another day. You could go for a quiet evening run, prepare something special for you and Ash to share the next day, sit down with a book or a movie and a glass of wine... it can be what ever you want it to be. You will be fine - remember the holidays are amongst the toughest days of the year to get through for many people. We all have such high expectations for this time of year - and yet, it is simply what we make it.
Posted by: backofpack | December 20, 2006 02:29 PM
You could drive around until you find some party going on at some house and wonder in and make like you belong just to see how long it takes someone to figure out that you aren't supposed to be there...see what happens when you let my fiendish mind have an open slate to work with. Whatever you do, just have fun doing it and don't try to cram too much signifigance into it. You will still be the new you the next day, that's what's important.
Posted by: Chad in the Arizona Desert | December 20, 2006 04:06 PM
**hugs**
I like Neese's idea. You can start a new Christmas Eve tradition, and make it special in other ways.
<3 and many hugs, Jenn
Posted by: Jennifer (RunnerGirl) | December 20, 2006 05:25 PM
I am with Michelle. I often fail my holidays because of high expectations. At some point of time I had decided it is just another day. Just as I really don't like all the hype about Valentine's day - like we don't love someone on other days? Why not show it on other days? Why Feb 14? Same with X-mas. Unless you are deeply religious - what as far as I remember you aren't (at least not deeply), it's mostly a shopping craze and a consumerism. Starting new tradition sounds like a great plan. If you're interested, I'd personally have two choices: either stay home, cosy and warm with wine and chocolate, or get a last minute tickets somewhere and just go away, wonder around...it might be more expensive (ok, definitely more expensive) than staying home, but it expands horizon and occupies time. I love to travel. Want to come over for a visit? You know my doors are always open for you, holiday or not! No, I forgot, Ash is coming on 25th. OK, then get in a car and drive somewhere where you've never been, but it's local enough to return tomorrow. Go to movies, have dinner, walk on streets of a small town.
But then again, stay home and read a good book, watch an old movie. Call me:)
Posted by: olga | December 20, 2006 06:03 PM
I like the idea of choosing what tradition you want to bring forth from your childhood (perhaps modified), or create a new tradition. Whatever you decide, I am sure your son will love it because you are spending it with HIM. Enjoy the hugs.
Posted by: Juls | December 20, 2006 08:26 PM
At the moment you are bearing some heavy burdens but you have two strong shoulders to carry you along the path! Have a Happy and healthy holiday season!
Keep a profound optimism
Posted by: Ryan | December 21, 2006 05:41 AM
My sister and her husband split up this year too and she's wrestling with a lot of the same feelings. It's hard for her because our entire family is on the West Coast now and she's still in Virginia, and her in-laws had been her true family. I had a couple of Christmases alone due to various circumstances and found the day far more tolerable by not focusing on what was missing but what I still have. Stay positive, and know plenty of people are going through the same thing.
Posted by: Anne | December 21, 2006 07:49 AM
I hope you find and decide upon a new tradition that you can share with Ash and make your own. Christmas should be a time of joy and rejuvination, but it is stressful as well, you're not alone there. Have a Merry Christmas!
Posted by: Rob | December 21, 2006 08:38 AM
Last year was my first Christmas Eve without my kids due to divorce. I made changes to our traditons by putting more emphasis on what I liked about the holiday for that year. I love to bake and I don't do it regularly though the year because I don't have restraint. Now I have a new tradition of baking with the kids before the holiday to give as gifts for the holiday. My daughter seems to think we always did this per her statements this year. I think it is her memory of time spent doing enjoyable things together. Kids don't need it to be elaborate. And as far as Christmas Eve, I used it to spend time doing things nuturing to me. Divorce is hard and self compassion in this time is never time wasted and much needed.
Posted by: Angela | December 21, 2006 10:07 AM
Angie,
I'm back. I saw this blog posting on Runner's World! Very cool. I find it amazing how much the blogging community is getting out there. Your writing touches us all. Keep your spirits up!
Posted by: Juls | December 22, 2006 08:32 AM
Merry Christmas!
Posted by: Josh | December 25, 2006 02:04 PM