onepinkfuzzy

And I'm driving down the road, just having gotten my extremely dirty car washed, listening to Modest Mouse and feeling good that my car is clean and I took out the trash and put all the clutter from my car into my house, freeing up all the space to pack up for this giGANtic event I've been responsible for planning that is going to happen tomorrow. I'm relieved to have the car cleaned, but I'm stressed and scared and hoping the weather stays so wonderful for tomorrow's event. I'm listening to the judgment recording in my head: Angie, you are eating too much, you are gaining weight, you need to stop, you need more sleep, you need to run, you need to bike, you need to go to the gym, you need to stop eating so much junk food, you are becoming ugly, you won't be desirable. My body tightens with the repitition of each phrase. I am contemplating an e-mail I received last night from someone I care about, wondering I should proceed, knowing my feelings and insecurities and desires and hopes and fears. I am thinking about the two cookies I ate for lunch, and the fact that the last time I ran, my knee hurt. I am wondering about people in my social circle, wondering about new people I'm meeting, other people I've met, and where things are going in my life. I am stressed and exhausted and scared and hopeful and yearning.

And suddenly, I start to cry.

I am so happy and grateful to be alive, to be feeling these feelings of stress and fear. I am alive. I am breathing and I am so GRATEFUL to be feeling these feelings. Five years ago, I didn't want to be alive. Five years ago, internal pain hurt so much I wanted to die. I tried to die - three times. Twice, I wound up in the hospital. I entered therapy and learned I am worthy and worthwhile and valuable regardless of outside influences. I learned not to despise myself. I learned how to be strong. I learned how to keep moving even when the pain feels unbearable. I learned I could stay alive, that the pain won't kill me.

I am reflecting on the vast changes in my life over the last five years, four years, two years, six months. I am thinking about how I am judging myself, stressing myself, tying my self-worth to food and relationships, and knowing my self-worth is not really tied to either of those things. And I am grateful that I am alive to know that. I am so content to feel the wind on my face, the warmth of the sun. I am so happy to be stressed out and alive. That I can feel. That I know I'm safe no matter what happens. That I worthwhile and valuable and wonderful and fantastic no matter what. No matter if I am involved with someone or not. No matter if a particular person has me as number one in their life or not. No matter if I make a mistake. None of it matters. It's all a part of the flow, the process, the beauty of life.

And I love it.