Hotel California
Leaving on Friday morning to go to the OC to help Jess put on the first annual Twin Peaks 50/50! Quite excited.
Not much running happening. Busy weekend - out late two nights in a row; unheard of! I've been ebbing lately - not feeling well. So much upheaval in life, new friends and so many things to think about and ponder and wonder and I'm really fighting feelings of rejection and unworthiness. Ash is having a hard time with the divorce (understandably!) and his way of dealing with it is refusal to come to my place. Hearing him proclaim in a sing-song voice, "I don't have to go to Mama's house tonight!" just broke my heart. I sort of shut down mid-yesterday, just crawled under the covers and didn't emerge for an hour and a half. I finally got up to take Ash to his Nana's house, and it in the car I broke down. I just started sobbing and sobbing. I couldn't stop for over an hour.
Once I got home, I wanted to crawl back under the covers, but I remembered the feeling of chasing Ash at the park that morning, so I did what any good runner would do: I laced up my shoes and hit the trails. I was so dehydrated and exhausted from two late beer-drinking nights and not enough food for the day - not to mention the crying spell! - and my legs were really shaky. I didn't quite make it to the last crossing on the trail to Seven Falls. I spied a boulder outcrop overlooking the creek and dove for it. I laid there for 10 minutes before getting up and heading back. I walked a decent amount. When I ran, I repeated the mantra "Let it all go" over and over and over again. The trail ends with .4 of flat dirt road. With .2 to go, I just stopped running. Yes, it was flat. Yes, Kiera and I make a pact to run to the "burning bush" which signals the parking lot. And I just couldn't run any more. But I did it. I ran 6 miles yesterday. Then I crashed on my bed again, and slept.
Comments
Angie,
That's a tough one with Ash. Remember that he is at a very ego-centric age and doesn't realize how his comments hurt. He is only thinking about his day and looking for routine and familiarity. Eventually, going back and forth will become the routine and he'll be better about it. Hope you are feeling better today!
Posted by: backofpack58@yahoo.com | January 29, 2007 05:32 PM
((Angie)) I am SO sorry! Have you thought about having him see someone to talk about his issues with the divorce? Kids act differently when it comes to divorce. The important thing is to be there for him and give him some support.
Posted by: Denise "Firefly" | January 29, 2007 05:35 PM
Welcome to the Hotel California...
Anyway.. I'm sure it is hard for Ash and children like routine and I'm sure his comment is not personal to you though I'm sure its hard to understand that at time.
All you can do is try to be the best mom you can be and you will all get through this!
Posted by: Jessica | January 29, 2007 07:01 PM
How tough...Ang, darling, it, too, will pass. But it is f*&%ng hard to go through! Hold it, baby. 6 miles - see, you can do anything!
CA will be a good change for a weekend. Take the most of it.
I miss you.
Posted by: olga | January 29, 2007 07:36 PM
He will get used to it with time. The important thing is you aren't forcing him to do something he doesn't want to do right now.
He'll come around.
Posted by: jkrunning | January 29, 2007 07:51 PM
Looking forward to meeting you this weekend. The change of scenery should do you good.
Posted by: Anne | January 29, 2007 08:55 PM
(((angie)))
Have a safe trip this weekend!
Posted by: Renee | January 30, 2007 03:52 AM
Well done on going out for a run, probably the best thing you could do in that situation.
As for you and Ash, I have experienced it from the child's side, and I don't really know what to say. Be sure to tell him that you still love him very much (which I'm sure you're doing anyway), don't make any negative comments about his dad, and let time heal the wounds.
Posted by: Thomas | January 30, 2007 07:46 AM
Good job with the run, girl! Have fun in Cali.
As for Ash, just be there for him as much as you can. He will recognize that you love him, even if he does not yet know how to express it to you.
Posted by: Chad in the Arizona Desert | January 30, 2007 11:26 AM
Ash will come around with time. He loves his mommy.
Posted by: Laurie | January 30, 2007 12:18 PM
Helping young childrem manage through a divorce is terribly difficult. But you're a strong women and Ash loves you. It will work out.
Have fun in California.
Posted by: Phil | January 30, 2007 08:16 PM
Ash loves you, he just doesn't like the situation. He does "LOVE" YOU though.
Have a good weekend and when you come back there will be a little boy waiting who missed the heck out of his Mommy.
Hugs,
Juls
Posted by: Juls | January 30, 2007 08:48 PM