Never Too Late
I finished my 5.5-mile run this morning with John (11:55/minute pace, better than last week), and turned on KXCI for the drive home. A song I had heard maybe once before came on, and when I heard the singer referecing summertime, marathons and long roads, I just had to find the lyrics. It's Michael Franti and the Spearheads' song Never Too Late:
Don't fear your best friends, because a best friend would never try to do you wrong.
And don't fear your worst friends, because a worst friend is just a best friend that's done you wrong.
And don't fear the night time, because the monsters know you're divine.
And don't fear the sunshine, because everything is better in the summertime.
But it's never too late to start the day over, it's never to late, pick up the phone.
You know it's never too late to lay your head down on my shoulders,
it's never too late just come on home.
Don't fear the water, because you can swim inside you within your skin.
And don't fear your father, because a father's just a boy without a friend.
And don't fear to walk slow, don't be a horserace, be a marathon.
And don't fear the long road, because on the long road you got a long time to sing a simple song.
But it's never too late to start the day over, it's never too late, pick up the phone.
You know it's never too late to lay your head down on my shoulders,
it's never too late just come on home.
Don't fear your teachers, because if you listen you can hear music in a school bell.
And don't fear your preacher, if you can't find heaven in a prison cell.
And don't fear your own self, paying money to justify your worth.
And don't fear your family, because you chose them a long time before your birth.
But it's never too late to start the day over, it's never too late, pick up the phone.
You know it's never too late to lay your head down on my shoulders,
it's never too late just come on home.
Hold to your children, hold to your children, hold to your children, let them know.
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Apparently there was nothing wrong with my computer. My friend's husband breathed on it and it magically got better. I'll plug it in at home to see how it works tonight.
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My ex and I re-worked our parenting schedule. I think this will be much better for Ash. It will be better for Ash's dad. It won't be so good for my running. But Ash is waaaaay more important than my running. At first, I wasn't sure I'd still be able to train for my upcoming ultra. But I re-worked my training schedule, and although it's not my preferred schedule or the best, it will work. I'll be able to run the PCT50k.
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My life has been very crazy lately. I have not been able to blog or keep up with blogs. (My home 'puter being down didn't help things.) I was ready to say my blog will be on hiatus, but I'm afraid to say that and then suddenly have plenty of time to write. I've been on a serious re-evaluation kick lately and am figuring out priorities. Obviously, Ash is #1. I often wrestle with #2 being running and the person I am currently dating. (Do I stay up late? Sleep in with him? Or go to bed early and get up and run???) Work is thrown in there somewhere. Yoga isn't as big a priority any more either (seems to have served its purpose). Painting and collaging and crafty, arty stuff is thrown in there when I get a chance. I read every now and then (used to be my biggest thing!).
For a long time, my blog was a huge priority. Writing every other day religiously, in order to give people enough time to comment and not overload with too much info all at once. Keeping an eye on the amount of visitors. Feeling valued for having a lot of comments. Feeling accepted by having many readers. Feeling seen and heard and validated on my running (and other thoughts). These are all strong pulls for me to keep blogging.
Does my run exist if only I experience it? Do I exist if no one else witnesses me? My thoughts? My actions?
Why do I seek external praise (or "adoration" as Kiera puts it)? Shouldn't my acceptance of myself be enough?
I find I feel pressure to write. Pressure to comment on other blogs. Pressure to report on how thing are going. You all aren't putting any pressure on my whatsoever, it's all me. If I don't comment to other people's blogs, my site visitors go down. My visibility goes down. Then I feel less liked, less seen, less...I don't know. Just less.
I've made friends through the blogging world. People like Olga and Jess and Michelle and Phil and Jeff. I like staying connected with folks through the blogs. But it's getting overwhelming.
This is my long-winded, rambling way of saying I most likely won't be around all that much in the upcoming weeks while I try to figure out more things. More of what fits with my pink fuzzy.
Comments
bless your heart...I wish I could write like you... write to get my feelings out there, that alone has got to make you feel a sense of release of things that overwhelm you... letting them go in words sometimes is half the battle..
Posted by: neese | March 20, 2007 01:25 PM
Best friends don't need to see your writings for you to feel validated and "more". I was going to shoot you an email, but I'll say it here: whatever is that you do, I know you're fitting it to your "true pink fuzzy". That's far more important than updating us on your running or dating progress. I'll see you soon, my dear.
Posted by: olga | March 20, 2007 01:48 PM
Well said sweetie! I find myself re-evaluating things too. It's good to keep "life" in check. You seem to have your world under control in a crazy world that is out of control. You are ahead of most of us.=)
Posted by: Kim French | March 20, 2007 02:03 PM
Just come and blog when you can and when you want to. When it feels right then we will be here reading. I like to read your posts because you are so honest and open, I feel like I know you and one day I hope to. Life will continue to shift and fall into place both with Ash, your love life and your running. (((HUGS)))
Posted by: Javamom | March 20, 2007 02:10 PM
Nice song. Whenever I turn on KXCI these days it always seems to be samba music.
Adoration, eh? Kiera's never used that one with me! Glad to hear your computer is OK, and hopefully we'll still be seeing you and Ash on Saturdays.
Posted by: Mike | March 20, 2007 03:00 PM
Angie, do what YOU can do. We will always be there for you no matter what.
Posted by: Denise "Firefly" | March 20, 2007 04:03 PM
I've been right where you are, Angie, with everything getting crazy around you. It can definitely be overwhelming.
As far as the blog goes, there's no correct answer. If you enjoy it, do it - as much or as little as you want to. It's tough to let go of all those numbers (hits, comments, etc) at first, but I found that I didn't miss them too badly eventually.
Good luck wherever your path leads.
Posted by: Donald | March 20, 2007 06:48 PM
Like you I find myself trying to reevaluate my time and priorities. I think sharing our experiences through blogging is fun and fulfilling, but our first priorities should always be ones that balance out our life.
Posted by: Jack | March 20, 2007 10:14 PM
There's nothing wrong with a little adoration. : ) We all like the positive reinforcement. If you take a little break from blogging, I'll still be here when you come back. And I'll see you at Mt Hood PCT, right?
Posted by: Sarah | March 21, 2007 06:38 AM
The people you see every day and the life you live away from the computer is much more important than blogging. Blogging is fun and rewarding and an outlet of sorts, but again - that word we all toss around - balance - is needed. We'll be hanging out, waxing and waning on our blogging too, still here when you pop in.
Posted by: backofpack58@yahoo.com | March 21, 2007 07:55 AM
We've all been there, wondering where all the time goes and then realizing a significant portion is spent with blogs. You've got the right priorities and the right idea not to lock yourself into either sticking with a writing schedule or abandoning it completely. Write when you can since we love to read about your life. No pressure.
Posted by: Anne | March 21, 2007 01:42 PM
"This is my long-winded, rambling way of saying I most likely won't be around all that much in the upcoming weeks while I try to figure out more things. More of what fits with my pink fuzzy."
You work on you first... we will still be here if you need us. There is nothing wrong with confusion...it just shows that things matter to you. The world could use more people who aren't so sure of themselves all the time.
Posted by: Chad in the Arizona Desert | March 21, 2007 03:31 PM
I love those song lyrics!
And you need to do what you need to do. It's all about balance. Getting rid of something you enjoy (like blogging) may not be realistic but cutting down or finding a balance with that is probably more reasonable.
I can relate with you that things can get so busy and feel out of control or overwhelming at times. It's all about finding the things you love to do and doing them and the other things may fall to the wayside. And adoration? Gee I don't like that at all ;)
Posted by: Jessica | March 21, 2007 05:37 PM
Just take it easy, there, pink fuzzy. No need to put all this additional pressure on yourself. Chill. :)
Posted by: e-rod | March 21, 2007 06:53 PM
OPF,
We have established a community al biet electronic we are real people who on occasion get the opportunity to meet each other at races. We have similar addictions to running which means we "get it" when someone explains a frustration about an injury or the joy of a PR. We are here to support you and to listen as you live your life.
You have been through an lot over the past year and I'm sure it's going to take some time for you to get grounded again. Your priorities are in order. Give yourself time to allow your pink fuzzy to wrap it's arms around the real Angie.
Take care!
Posted by: Eric | March 21, 2007 08:07 PM
I found myself singing along as I read the lyrics. I love that song. So many questions about life, you have. Relax, and allow yourself to live life. Get caught up in the moments - every single one. Every day is YOUR day - and you can choose each new day what you want to do with it - empowering, isn't it?
Posted by: Ginger Breadman | March 26, 2007 10:07 AM
I found myself singing along as I read the lyrics. I love that song. So many questions about life, you have. Relax, and allow yourself to live life. Get caught up in the moments - every single one. Every day is YOUR day - and you can choose each new day what you want to do with it - empowering, isn't it?
Posted by: Ginger Breadman | March 26, 2007 10:08 AM
I found myself singing along as I read the lyrics. I love that song. So many questions about life, you have. Relax, and allow yourself to live life. Get caught up in the moments - every single one. Every day is YOUR day - and you can choose each new day what you want to do with it - empowering, isn't it?
Posted by: Ginger Breadman | March 26, 2007 10:09 AM
Come and go as you wish. We always enjoy hearing from you when you have the time to write.
While you are making priority lists, after #1 Ash, you might consider, #2 Staying healthy ... that serves to support all your other priorities. If running is part of staying healthy, you'll make the time.
Posted by: Phil | March 26, 2007 09:00 PM
Your value as a person has nothing to do with a HTML pageview/vistor ticker.
Post when you have time or when you need to. I'll visit.
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