onepinkfuzzy

As expected, this week has been C-R-A-Z-Y. But just a few more hours, then I'll be home packing for my weekend in Phoenix with Jess. Tomorrow morning, I may go for a quick run, then I'll be driving up to Phoenix, where we'll crash at my mom's house, hang at the pre-race dinner, Jess will pace a friend in the evening, and we'll generally have loads of ultra fun.

Last night, I got to thinking. I'm a total stress-eater, and with how crazy things have been, I haven't been eating very healthy. Oh sure, there are some days I eat well, but overall, I'm still gaining weight. I'm also feeling old feelings of anger rising in me and coming out sideways for silly things, things I can't control, like slow traffic or slow Internet connection. I realized I'm feeling a lot of pressure to perform right now, and I'm terrified I won't give a good performance, that somehow I'll be found lacking, that it'll be found out that I'm actually this really bad person. The voices in my head start telling me that not only will I fail at my projects at work, but I'm also a bad mom, a bad driver, bad runner, bad eater, all these bad things to back up the argument that I'm a bad person.

I'm tired of hearing those voices. Especially since I know it isn't true (well, maybe the bad driver part...). I know I'm a good mom, I know I'm doing a good job at work. It's true - I can improve on my eating and running habits, but I'm not a bad person just because I have room for improvement.

When I get this stressed, I feel like I'm seeping out of myself, I can't contain my self, my emotions. I want someone else to come in and tell it'll all be alright. I want comfort, hugs, my head rubbed to soothe my worries. Often, I eat. But I don't want to comfort eat, because that often involves really large amounts of really unhealthy stuff. And I don't want to use another person (read: Chris) as a crutch. I want to be my own damn seatbelt, and keep myself contained.

I realized last night that what I'm seeking is to be nurtured. No one taught me how to nurture myself. This is what I need to do. Not with unhealthy food (that's counter-nurturing). Not by needing someone else to validate me. But by me making nurturing choices to fulfill what I'm seeking and by me validating myself.

I'm not saying I need to be completely self-contained and never reach out to anyone. There's a balance to be had here. I am saying that I'd like to at least attempt to help myself first, before I automatically turn to someone else and say, "fix me! make me all better!" Sometimes, that's okay, but I don't want that to be my default setting.

So. I'm keeping this all in the back of my mind - nuturing. What choices can I make to help me feel better. I can put the DND sign up on my desk and on my phone to give me 20 minutes of rest (what I'm doing now). I can eat good food that will last and give me fuel to make it through the rest of the afternoon. I can go sleep early enough to give my body the rest it needs to function properly (and with the least amount of crankiness). I can journal. I can write. I can reach out and say, "I love you," to Ash. I can reach out to my friends and say, "I'm thinking of you," and remind myself of community. I can tell myself, "I love you, I accept you."

What do you do to nurture yourself?