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Sometimes, it feels as though all the joy has been sucked out of life; it feels like what's the point? Why care? And then my son smiles or gives me a hug and I remember that hormones can stimulate feelings and life is an experiment and there's always choice in how I want to move forward and life just ebbs and flows and then I feel better.
And I know I'll feel even better later this week after I take my knee out for a run.
I know it's only the middle of the year, but I figured I'd write you early so you'd have plenty of time to work on my Christmas gift this year. It might be a hard one to find.
I'd really love it if under the Christmas tree this year, there could a person who is a runner (or at least someone who is athletic/or has a hobby they are passionate about and can understand my love of running), who loves kids (at least, who loves my kid - or is willing to consider loving my kid), is couragous and brave, likes to talk, is funny, intelligent, likes scrabble, grooves to good music (or at least doesn't mind when I groove to good music), isn't worried about what other people think, is open-minded, who allows people who have their own thoughts and emotions, who is willing to explore their self and hopes and dreams, who has boundaries, knows how to express their feelings, isn't afraid at the thought of being a step-parent, wants to suck all the juicy drops out of the goodness of life, who sees the world as a glass half-full yet is realistic, who isn't fearful, who appreciates me for me, and who - most importantly of all - loves me and my son.
Now I know this is a tall order, but I won't lose faith that this person is out there somewhere.
Thanks Santa!
~Angie
PS Can you help my knee feel better so I can run again soon? I'd really like that :)
I'm on Facebook now, and I love it (especially scrabulous, an online version of scrabble). C'mon over and join me!
Also, with no running and too much emotional upset in my life, I'm hard at work at expressing myself through art. Here are two new pieces (if you click on them, it should take you to the flickr page with a description):
They'll be available soon at my shop.
So both the ultrasound and x-rays showed normal results for my knee. I'm thinking I just need to let it heal a little more after the race (and avoid dancing the chicken dance at weddings!). I'll give it a whirl later this week or early next week to see how it feels. Over the weekend, it only hurt when I had to keep it at an angle for driving 2 hrs to and from Mesa (to see my family - whew, that was exhausting! but good).
Hopefully, it'll be healed up enough by mid-June, so when I go on a road trip with a couple friends, we can hike Mt. Humphreys (the highest peak in AZ - 12,633 ft) with a minimum amount of pain :)
I'm looking forward to a Memorial Day weekend bbq with friends this weekend, and resting. Also looking forward to mine and my friend Barb's joint birthday bash in a couple weeks (yes, my birthday was in April). We're both turning 30 this year; her bday's in June, mine's in April. We were going to have the bash in May, but it got moved back a couple weeks. I don't mind; I still get to have fun!
According to the doctor, it could be bursitis/baker's cyst or runner's knee. I said I was worried about tendonitis or a pulled hamstring. He seemed to dismiss that (or maybe just not comment on it?). I'm getting x-rays and an ultrasound tomorrow.
On a different note, my sister and her family are going through an incredibly difficult and sad time right now. For those of you who pray, she is asking for prayers. For those of you who don't pray, please send positive thoughts. They need a lot of strength to get through this.
I love you Kate!
With the pain not going away (and actually worsening today), I called the doctor. I have an appointment on Wednesday.
In the meantime, I haven't run since Friday morning. But I did dance Saturday night at a friend's wedding (which, in hindsight, was a mistake!). I haven't been to the gym either, which sucks with all I'm going through emotionally.
I said if he wants me, he'll come find me. And he has. I'm wary, not sure of where we are heading, but we are taking tentative steps forward. I spelled out for him everything I wrote in the previous post. He knows exactly how I feel, how scared I am, how much this hurts. He gave me more insight into his feelings, his thought processes, what is going on inside him. I'm scared that if I wait more, it'll just prolong the pain. I'm not sure I'm making the right decision. Neither decision - staying or leaving - feels right. But this weekend, he started showing me how he feels, how much he wants me; so far, it's enough to keep me here a little longer. How much longer remains to be seen.
I can't sleep. I haven't slept all week. I wake up at 5am, tossing and turning. He's there, next to me. I don't know why I stayed the night.
I gave myself permission to sleep in this morning; I don't have to run. But I need to.
I get up and I kiss him, willing him to kiss me back, grab me, clutch at me, want me. He lengthens the kiss, but doesn't persist when I start to pull away.
I get to the door and I wait, willing him to call me back, to say, "don't go."
When the words don't come, I leave.
I make the quick trip home, change into my running clothes and head out the door. It is sunrise, colors streaking through the clouds. Crisp air cools my lungs and dries the tear tracks on my cheeks. I start jogging.
It feels good to be moving, good to be out, to be alive. To know that *I* am still here. I head on my usual route, towards the park. I try to manage the voices in my head - he doesn't love me, I've lost my faith, why did I stick around for so long after the first warning flags...It takes the first loop around the park before I really start to feel what the voices are saying.
Oh my god, this person I've fallen in love doesn't love me back. I know he takes a long time to fall in love - he takes a long time to do anything, whether purchase a computer (9 months) or a car (2 years) or to fall in love (previous girlfriends - 12 and 15 months). But it's been 16 months, and the feelings still aren't there. He loves being around me. He loves spending time with me. We have fun together. We have amazing chemistry. But no love.
I'm gasping for breath, my tears welling up, splashing down. I come to a halt; I can't move. The sobs are ripping through my body, here in the grass at the park in the crisp morning air of a desert sunrise. The birds are chirping, people are waking up, starting their days. And I can't move.
I do the only thing I can think of: channel the energy into my legs. I start running, hard. Crying does me no good. Let's take that energy and put it to good use. Let's run.
And I do. I realize I have the power to deal with this break-up as best as I see fit. Which means I want to run. And paint. And remember that I knew it was a crapshoot. I knew there was a good chance he wouldn't love me in return. And I chose to stay anyway, I chose to love and give and spend time with him. It wasn't a waste. It was a beatiful, incredible, fun year of joy that I will always treasure. And now I feel all used up and worn out and I'm ready to be loved and wanted in return.
I run until my knee and hamstring twinge, then I stop and turn around to head home. I walk back, slowly, enjoying the morning.
He said he wasn't ready to give up. That he wants to love me. That he still thinks it's possible.
I'm not going to wait around anymore, wondering, waiting, hoping, wishing. It hurts too much. I'm going to channel my energy into my legs and move forward. If he really wants me, he'll come find me.
In the meantime, I'm going to run.
It's definite - I can't run the Red Mountain 50k on Memorial Day weekend. My knee is bothering me too much; I need to take it easy. It's behind the knee and my hamstring hurts too. It hurts when I sit in one position for too long; it hurts when I cross my legs; it hurts when I walk up/down hills/stairs; it hurts when I lay down and throw my leg up on the top of the couch/futon (how I usually sleep). I'm bummed.
According to this site (thanks Renee!), it's either a torn hamstring or tendonitis. Either way, it's ice, rest and anti-inflammatories...see the doc if it doesn't get better.
So with no prospect of high miles anytime soon and no real desire to see a doc (I don't think it's anything I can't rehab from - or at least I'll try self-rehab first, if that doesn't work, then I'll see a doc), I'm trying to find something to focus on.
I've found two: diet and strength training.
I want to lose 15 pounds in six months and I want to tone my body. I want to maintain about 20 miles per week of running, with some cross-training. I'm going to start a strength training program. And I'm going to try my damnedest to eat healthier. I'm still working on the specifics of the plan, but the idea is there.
Click here for details. The giveaway is this week only. Also this week only, free shipping on anything in my shop.
Regarding running...it hasn't been happening. The pain behind my knee is still there, and that worries me. I'll take it out for a couple test runs this week. If the pain goes away, then it's road trip time over Memorial Day weekend with five of my friends as we'll head up to St George, UT, for a 50k! But - and that's a big but - I don't know how my knee will hold up.