The hardest 2-mile run of my life
I can't sleep. I haven't slept all week. I wake up at 5am, tossing and turning. He's there, next to me. I don't know why I stayed the night.
I gave myself permission to sleep in this morning; I don't have to run. But I need to.
I get up and I kiss him, willing him to kiss me back, grab me, clutch at me, want me. He lengthens the kiss, but doesn't persist when I start to pull away.
I get to the door and I wait, willing him to call me back, to say, "don't go."
When the words don't come, I leave.
I make the quick trip home, change into my running clothes and head out the door. It is sunrise, colors streaking through the clouds. Crisp air cools my lungs and dries the tear tracks on my cheeks. I start jogging.
It feels good to be moving, good to be out, to be alive. To know that *I* am still here. I head on my usual route, towards the park. I try to manage the voices in my head - he doesn't love me, I've lost my faith, why did I stick around for so long after the first warning flags...It takes the first loop around the park before I really start to feel what the voices are saying.
Oh my god, this person I've fallen in love doesn't love me back. I know he takes a long time to fall in love - he takes a long time to do anything, whether purchase a computer (9 months) or a car (2 years) or to fall in love (previous girlfriends - 12 and 15 months). But it's been 16 months, and the feelings still aren't there. He loves being around me. He loves spending time with me. We have fun together. We have amazing chemistry. But no love.
I'm gasping for breath, my tears welling up, splashing down. I come to a halt; I can't move. The sobs are ripping through my body, here in the grass at the park in the crisp morning air of a desert sunrise. The birds are chirping, people are waking up, starting their days. And I can't move.
I do the only thing I can think of: channel the energy into my legs. I start running, hard. Crying does me no good. Let's take that energy and put it to good use. Let's run.
And I do. I realize I have the power to deal with this break-up as best as I see fit. Which means I want to run. And paint. And remember that I knew it was a crapshoot. I knew there was a good chance he wouldn't love me in return. And I chose to stay anyway, I chose to love and give and spend time with him. It wasn't a waste. It was a beatiful, incredible, fun year of joy that I will always treasure. And now I feel all used up and worn out and I'm ready to be loved and wanted in return.
I run until my knee and hamstring twinge, then I stop and turn around to head home. I walk back, slowly, enjoying the morning.
He said he wasn't ready to give up. That he wants to love me. That he still thinks it's possible.
I'm not going to wait around anymore, wondering, waiting, hoping, wishing. It hurts too much. I'm going to channel my energy into my legs and move forward. If he really wants me, he'll come find me.
In the meantime, I'm going to run.
Comments
Angie,
Way to be strong and do what you need to do to take care of yourself.
Stay strong,
Bryon
Posted by: Bryon | May 9, 2008 06:33 AM
Hang in there.
Posted by: anthonyp | May 9, 2008 06:48 AM
Ohhhh... all of my hugs to you. You are amazing, don't ever lose sight of that.
Posted by: Taryn | May 9, 2008 06:58 AM
Email me what time is best to call today. Now is good too.
Posted by: olga | May 9, 2008 08:05 AM
Your heart is already telling you what you need to do. (((HUGS)))
Posted by: Javamom | May 9, 2008 08:33 AM
Don't wait around. Don't compromise. You are worth way more than that and you know it.
Good for you! Go live your life boldly. ((hugs))
Posted by: Tanya | May 9, 2008 10:15 AM
I'm sorry, Angie. I think you are right. Love takes time, but if a year has gone by and he is still trying to figure it out, then it's not there. The right guy is out there waiting for you...time to continue the search. In the mean time, you still have you and you are awesome. Rock on, girl! ;-)
Posted by: Chad in the Arizona Desert | May 9, 2008 02:09 PM
This is so sad ... and I can't really think of anything constructive to say. I'm sorry to hear this, Angie. You deserve better.
Posted by: Donald | May 9, 2008 02:18 PM
Just run inwardly and outwardly, keep moving forward.
Posted by: Chanakhya | May 9, 2008 04:15 PM
Every one of us has been in your place at some point in our lives, and it hurts so much. You are so strong, so full of life, you will get through this. Keep adding your goodness to the world.
Posted by: Carilyn | May 9, 2008 05:36 PM
Oh, Angie. We've all been there. Those two miles sound like a thousand more in terms of your growth.
Posted by: Anne | May 9, 2008 06:29 PM
I'm in a similar boat, except we're not intimately involved. It hurts to wait and it hurts to think of leaving. I feel for you and wish I could be as brave as you to move on.
Posted by: SassyGirl | May 9, 2008 11:50 PM
your very brave
Posted by: troy | May 10, 2008 01:09 AM
I wish I could give you a big ole hug!
Posted by: Jessica | May 13, 2008 06:29 AM
Wow!
I'm not a frequent visitor, but I've read your blog a few times.
Obviously from out here in Internetland, my perspective on your issues is limited...
I've found that when things hurt, I need to be more diligent about a few things - massage the sore spot to increase circulation and speed healing, be more dilligent about diet and hydration, and stretch as much as the injured or tweaked area can tolerate. Since warm tissue stretches better than cold, it's better to warm up first. This could be running, walking, or even applying a heatpad.
As for the guy, I wouldn't hold out hope at all. In fact, at this point (after 16 months!), I wouldn't trust positive signs either
I admit I'm jaded in that area. So you could say my advice is no good. Or you could say the opposite, that my advice might be better because I'm 48 and have too much hindsight haunting me.
People pretend. They do that to get what they think they want - and they don't really know what they want (they think they do). People are confused. Life is too easy these days. The average person has not been repeatedly tested by trauma or hardships, so they can't know themselves all that well.
An easy life is said to allow people to "keep their innocense". What it really does is keep them from growing into who they need to be.
I'll stop rambling.
At this point, it seems your psyche should change the status of the relationship. I wouldn't waste hope for a long-term relationship.
Instead, use this relationship as "practice" to stay socially healthy. There is an event-horizon where using the relationship to stay healthy and stooping to put up with too much is damaging to your self-esteem and growth. You would have to pay attention to this zone and end the relationship as soon as it tips onto the wrong side. (maybe you already passed that point?)
We all need each other - we need positive, strong people. We should strive to be strong and healthy. In fact, we need to be just a little selfish in this area, because if we martyr ourselves by squandering our strengths and gifts, then we have nothing to offer anyone (BTDT). And like I said, we all need each other.
So stay strong and healthy - inexorably, you will benefit, and so will we.
Posted by: JeffO | May 13, 2008 08:04 AM